Some people will walk out of our lives, and many of their reasons will not make sense.
But there isn't a reason in the world that might explain walking away from family, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Sufficient-Wall3453 was left by her husband nearly a decade prior, and she struggled to work, manage her home, and care for her three children in the years since he left.
When he reappeared, deciding that he'd made a terrible mistake, the Original Poster (OP) refused to let him back into her life.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by telling my husband to take a hike after he abandoned us for eight years?"
The OP was left by her husband eight years prior.
"I’m 43, he’s 45, and we were married for 12 years with three kids."
"Eight years ago, out of the blue, he left. No big fight, no dramatic exit, just a packed bag and a half-baked excuse about needing to 'find himself.'"
"At first, he picked up the phone now and then, but soon enough, that stopped, too."
"No child support, no birthday calls, nothing. Just silence."
The OP had to figure out how to handle life without her partner.
"Those early years were tough. I juggled two jobs, raising our kids solo."
"There were nights when I went to bed hungry so they could eat."
"I even sold family heirlooms just to make ends meet."
"Our oldest had to ditch extracurriculars because I couldn’t afford them."
"The kids? They struggled. For years, they couldn’t understand why their dad chose to be absent. I couldn’t provide them with any answers."
"Eventually, we found our stride. I landed a better job, the kids grew up, and we adjusted to life without him. It wasn’t a walk in the park, but we made it."
Suddenly, the OP's husband showed up, expecting to come back.
"Then, out of nowhere, a few months ago, he showed up at my door. Turns out, things haven’t been going great for him."
"He claims he regrets leaving, insists he was immature and selfish, and has supposedly spent years coming to terms with that mistake."
"He was in tears, begging for forgiveness, saying he wants his family back, wants to be the husband and father he never was."
"I told him absolutely not."
"I made it clear that he can’t just vanish during the toughest times and expect to waltz back in when it’s convenient for him."
"The kids are nearly grown. Those years of worry, sacrifice, and struggle were all ours without him."
The family was divided over the OP's husband reappearing.
"Some family members think I’m being heartless, that I should give him another shot because people can change."
"Others are on my side, saying I’m right to stand my ground."
"He keeps calling, insisting that everyone deserves a second chance and that I’m punishing him forever for one mistake."
"I don’t harbor any hatred toward him, but I also don’t feel like I owe him a second chance after carrying this family on my own for almost a decade."
"Am I wrong for saying no to letting him back into our lives?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that her husband had made his decision and had to live with it.
"NOR. He chose to keep committing to that mistake every morning for eight years. Does he even have money or a roof over his head that he provides for himself? Never let him back into your home, but relatives can clean out a spare room if they want to give him a chance." - ForLark
"NOR. OP, he left you to do the hard work, and wants to come back to help take credit. Who knows what the real reason is for wanting to return, but if you take him back, he knows you allowed it to happen once, and it’s okay to do again."
"You are doing great. And your kids are, too. Don’t allow him to mess with your minds." - The_Emo_Nun
"I wouldn’t be surprised if this epiphany came about because he needs a home." - MachaMorr
"He didn't make one mistake. He made a choice and stuck with it, making decisions every day."
"And now he's back with apparently nothing to offer you except apologies and need... It seems pretty clear there would be no apologies, no return, if there weren't the need." - AuntJ2583
"He didn't commit 'one mistake.' He made the conscious choice to stay gone for eight years. Every time you went without, every event and milestone he missed, every hour you spent working extra to make up for his lack of support, he was making his choice." - ToThestation_MUSIC
"Go kick rocks. As a father of three, through thick and thin, I can't imagine or understand just quitting your children and wife. I've read about these people, but don't actually know anyone who would do this."
"Who would do this?? To your children?" - mukwah
"He might be trying to come back because he has nowhere else to go. He's at rock bottom and chooses you. What a great thing to be someone's last choice..."
"Kick that garbage to the curb. He should have come bearing back child support, birthday gifts, gifts, or money for you. But no. He's only thinking of his needs. No way in the world." - neverdoneneverready
Others agreed and urged the OP to officially divorce him now that he was back in contact.
"Are you still married or did you divorce him? Don’t let him back into your life. If you haven’t divorced him, do it now. NOR." - PNL-Maine
"Now you can officially hand him divorce papers and back claim child support."
"He can try to make amends with the kids, but he can also rightfully f**k off." - pkzilla
"Tell him he owes your kids eight years of child support and you eight years of alimony, and watch him run." - DramaticAd5247
"He has shown who he is. He needs to sign some divorce papers and arrange eight years of back child support, and then he can go back under his rock and figure himself out." - SunBusiness8291
"NOR. Are you divorced? Get him on abandonment and get child support."
"I would find out if it was another woman. There has to be more to it than finding his stup*d self."
"Don't let him back in. Think of all the nights worrying about your babies eating." - Conscious_Subject_41
"The fact that he’s demanding you give him a second chance says it all. He’s showing he’s still selfish and only thinking of himself."
"His life didn’t work out how he wanted, so now he wants to go back to what he left. No one 'deserves' a second chance if you don’t want to give it, and particularly at the expense of your peace."
"Leave him in the past where he belongs." - Interesting_Novel997
"The whole talk about second chances, atonement and forgiveness being 'deserved' is nonsense. These are not inherent rights, you are not 'owed' a do-over when you f*ck up."
"Society loves to abuse the victims by pressuring them to relent, to soften, to be 'the bigger person' because the victim is the weaker party and it's easier to pile on and erode the resolve of the weaker party." - Misommar1246
Some also side-eyed the people in the OP's life who wanted her to reconcile.
"Whoever thinks you should be opening your home and heart to this loser, they need to open their heart to him."
"Does he even have employment? A reliable vehicle?"
"What were your children’s reactions? Go with your gut. You worked very hard to be where you are. Be very proud of yourself." - Inevitable-Jicama366
"A second chance would have been if he woke up the next morning and realized how terrible he was."
"Eight years later?! No chance. Countless events missed and struggles to be avoided." - Rush_Is_Right
"Anyone who says OP is heartless needs to be blocked as well."
"How ironic to call OP the heartless one after the husband left and never checked on her and the kids for most of eight years! They could have died during that time, and he wouldn’t have had a clue." - JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"Did he tell you where he ended up? I'd like to know where those eight years were spent, and with whom."
"And I can't imagine that his parents/siblings DIDN'T know where he was, which is likely why they're on some fantasy of the 'second chances and forgiveness' train." - Candid_Jellyfish_240
"Block that loser. You don’t owe him anything. He didn’t care about you or your kids for years, and now that he wants your help, he shows up begging for forgiveness."
"A man who doesn’t pay child support or care if his kids are going hungry is not a man worth having."
"People who say you should forgive him are id**ts." - Sloth_grrl
"The fact that he is guilting you and calling eight years of abandoning his children 'one mistake,' like it’s no big deal, shows he’s just as much the piece of shit he was when he left."
"NOR, and anyone who guilts you into taking him back does not love you or your children." - noeinan
The subReddit was alarmed that a person could leave their partner and three children for nearly a decade, causing their former family to financially struggle and wonder where their next meal would come from.
Walking away for eight hours and realizing they made a horrible mistake would have been hurtful, but possibly forgivable with serious effort. Eight years is unfathomable.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp