Stepparent Refuses To Invite Anyone Over That Won't Try To Learn ASL For Deaf Stepdaughter

When hosting guests, people often tell them to make themselves at home.

Most of the time, however, they don't mean for them to take that literally.

As there are often conditions and rules when visiting someone else's home.

Some fairly understandable rules, and others that some people feel border on ridiculous.

Redditor Little-Duckie-1383 was set to host the family Easter celebration at their home.

When sending out the invite, however, the original poster (OP) made one stipulation for all those attending.

A stipulation that offended several members of the OP's family.

Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:

"AITA for only inviting people over who have bothered to put in some minimal effort to communicate w/ my Deaf Step Daughter?"

The OP explained why their invitations to Easter at their house angered several family members:

"My step daughter Carly is Deaf, and weeks before Easter she said a few things about not liking family gatherings."

"She told us she hates being around both families because of how many people just leave her out of things."

"Carly said she only really started to notice when she was older and did less running around with the other kids."

"We decided that moving forward, for events hosted at our home we are only going to invite people who have bothered to learn SOME ASL, or have shown they want to try to find a way to include her."

"I don’t mean fluency."

"More putting in the effort to at least be able to treat Carly like she’s a member of this family."

"Carly uses ASL, but she also lip-reads, so stuff like facing her helps."

"And there are people who have tried, my sister and niece and nephew, my mom, etc."

"But there are people who never tried."

"And there are people on his side of the family too."

"So we told everyone the new rules far before Easter."

"We said we are happy to host, but from now on, we want to make sure Carly’s home feels like a space where she’s loved and supported and where people will include her and make the effort."

"My sister’s family agreed, and my BIL said he never thought of it this way and promised he would do better."

"My dad was awful about it, so was my brother, Carly’s uncles, one of her aunts… it was just a mess."

"We’ve gotten crap from both sides of the family. I will say that there is a trend with who made a stink; it’s unfortunately most of the men in the family, including her own Uncles, which is just sad."

'Carly's aunt took the uncle's side, though."

"Carly had a good Easter, and so did everyone who came over."

"But since we have the bigger home we typically host."

"I thought we gave them plenty of time to make alternate plans for Easter dinner, but I guess everyone was too mad, so in the end, and this is what my brother said, 'I look forward to the once-a-year I get to have ham, but because you wanted to make ONE PERSON’S problem everyone’s problem, I didn’t'.”

"Honestly, I wanted to just write back to him and tell him to go to Kroger and get a package of ham and eat a damn ham sandwich, but then again, I don’t know if he could figure out how to use a loaf of sliced bread."

"Because of how much drama this caused in the family and how much resentment there is I wanted to ask you guys if you think we were wrong for making this rule."

Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:

• NTA – Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for asking their family to use ASL when communicating with their stepdaughter.

Everyone agreed that the OP was only thinking about the comfort of their stepdaughter, finding the fact that certain family members complained about being deprived of ham almost beyond the pale:

“'I look forward to the once-a-year I get to have ham, but because you wanted to make ONE PERSON’S problem everyone’s problem, I didn’t.”

"...and you're meant to believe that's more important than your daughter feeling isolated in her own home?"

"Nuh-uh."

"I was trying to see both sides of the argument beforehand, but this is now a clear NTA and a fist bump for being a great parent."-nebagram

"NTA."

"This brother's priorities for holidays are spending time with HAM, not with family."

"So f*ck that."

"This brother finds a girl's deafness to be her 'problem'."

"Double f*ck that."- ZipperJJ

"NTA."

"Your brother saying Carly is a 'problem' is a red flag."

"Does he have kids?"

"What if he had a deaf or blind child?"

"Or a child that became disabled due to an infection or a car accident?"

"Good for you for standing up for Carly."

"The rest of the family are A Hs and can set up their own dinners."- anondogfree

"Response: That 'one person' is my daughter who has a right to feel seen and respected in her own home."

"You are now the brother I don’t recognize, and not welcome here."

"Include a coupon for a ham sandwich if you’re feeling petty."

"Many of your family are incredibly selfish."

"NTA."- NHFNCFRE

"NTA."

"Dinner table syndrome is a real thing and is a trauma within itself."

"I am a CODA (child of deaf adults), and watching my mom's family make little to no effort is heartbreaking."

"It is not about fluency or being perfect, it is about making everyone feel included and a part of the community."

"Carly is lucky to have you; you are doing the right thing."

"As she gets older she can make her own decisions about how she wants to engage with her extended family members."

"My mom still chooses (more like yearns for her family's inclusion) and it is something I struggle with because I often am a 'bridge' between her and her family during these holidays."

"It is her (my mom's) choice to continue those connections."

"I often wonder how things would be different if she had a parent who advocated and surrounded her with true, meaningful connections, how she would navigate these relationships differently."

"Being deaf is not a problem having no community is."

"Thank you for making sure Carly has community."

"It makes a HUGE impact on everyone's ability to see there self-worth reflected in others."

"THAT!"- Averson-Jonny

"God, I love hearing a stepparent story where they actually love their stepchild."

"Thank you for being that person."

"I had the worst."

"NTA."

"Your brother is something else, though!"- DCpurpleTart33

"NTA."

"After that, he could become fluent in ASL, and he'd still never set foot in my home again."

'Ham this, pal."- Frankly_Ridiculous

"I’m sorry?"

"Was he not clear?"

"Your daughter’s dignity is standing between him an annual ham!"

"NTA."- Shytemagnet

"NTA."

"I would have sent him a link to a ham recipe and said 'is your oven broke?'"

"He knew the rules and if ham was that important he could have made an effort."- Annikai

"NTA."

"Your brother's comment about ham made me cackle."

"Why can’t he have ham other times in the year and why is he prioritizing it over a person?"

"It’s not like you insisted he be fluent in ASL by Easter."

"You just asked them to be considerate."- km4098

"NTA!"

"What you did was both kind and warranted!"

"Your step daughter needs to feel just as included as everyone else."

"The rest of your family can kick rocks!"- Ok_Historian_646

"NTA."

"The level of disrespect people are showing to a relatively close family member is disgraceful."

"You are in the right."- No_Control8031

"But I wanted ham and to exclude a child cause I don’t want to have to do any work in life outside of my own personal needs!- your brother."

"NTA."- BananaLemonLime

"NTA."

"And anyone arguing about it can literally go touch grass and grow the f*ck up."

"Your brother should take his head out of his a** and shove his ham up there instead."- windexfresh

"NTA."

"You did the right thing."

"I know a bit of ASL."

"I used to use it quite a bit."

"I did 3, 6-8 wk group classes with a Deaf instructor."

"I did about 10 weeks of private lessons with one of them."

"It has helped me immensely as an operating room nurse, even when there were interpreters present, prior to going back to the OR."

"I have been able to help Deaf alcoholics at the AA meetings that we attended."

"I currently use it at the food pantry I volunteer at."

"Even though the guest that comes in knows how the system works, and can read the list of foods she can select without problems."

"Imagine going through your day not being able to be fluent in the language that is being used by almost everyone else you encounter."

"Being socially isolated and ignored."

"Unfortunately, I have known a number of Deaf people whose parents and family members never learned sign language, or just a very few basic signs."

"Mom, you did the right thing."

'Stand your ground."

"If you were feeling particularly generous, you could send other family members info on where local ASL classes or practice groups are."

"What you are doing is a demonstration of love and caring for your stepdaughter."- Some-Tear3499

It would be one thing if the OP demanded his entire family become fluent in ASL, and weren't welcome in their home until they were.

Yet the OP just wanted everyone to make an effort, so their stepdaughter didn't feel left out.

Something one would think might have crossed these family members' minds without the OP needing to tell them...