People have all kinds of different reactions to bad news. But when your significant other blames you for something that is completely out of your control, that might be a bit of a red flag.
One woman, "queenofthedisaster," wrote on the "Relationship Advice" subReddit, devasted over her husband's decision to divorce her after she discovered she wouldn't be able to carry children.
The OP (Original Poster) stated:
"My husband (32[Male]) wants to leave me because of my infertility."
It began when the OP received an unexpected diagnosis.
"I (29[Female]) found out yesterday that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)."
"This is not a rare disease, but unfortunately I ignored the symptoms and one of the complications of this disorder is infertility."
The OP's husband had an even more unexpected reaction.
"My husband and I have been together for 9 years."
"Yesterday when I found out and came back from the doctor and told him the bad news he went crazy. He started breaking things and yelling at me."
"I felt so scared so I locked myself in the bathroom to cry."
"[His] anger didn't give me time to process that I was never going to be a mother. When I came out of the bathroom he wasn't at home so I called him and I told him: 'this was not an impediment, we could adopt a baby' but the only thing he did was insult me."
"Also he was at a bar with his friends and I could hear that they keep saying 'just dump that bitch and get a new one'."
The OP decided to get some space and received some unfortunate news.
"He hasn't come back home yet so I called my mom to ask if could stay with her a couple days. Now I'm staying at my mom's house and I haven't told anyone, neither my mom, my dad or my brother."
"The next thing I knew from my husband is a message that says: 'I want the divorce.'"
Now the OP isn't totally sure what to do next.
"I'm freaking out."
"I know that he's a major a**hole but I feel so sad and I don't have enough strength to face him. I don't know what to do, what to feel and I scared of the future."
"I just feel disrespected and disappointed for wasting time in a 9 years relationship. I [thought] that he was going to support me no matter what."
Fellow Redditors shared their support and advice.
Some wrote in to say this is not the kind of man the OP should have children with anyway.
"I promise you, this is not a man you want to raise a child with. His reaction to finding out something about YOUR body is incredibly alarming."
"You are stronger than you know, and you deserve to be with someone who will love and support you unconditionally. That's what a true husband/partner does, and I'm sorry to say that is not what you have here."
"Do yourself a favor and start seeing a therapist for yourself to get your self esteem up and be your own cheerleader. And call around for a good attorney, this does not sound like a man who will give you a fair divorce without you having proper legal counsel. You got this!" - shameonme2
"I'm so glad he showed you this side of himself. You DON'T want to have a baby with him. Not only did he react in a violent way but he went out drinking with his buddies and disrespected you. Plus he did not support you in your time of need when you were upset and vulnerable."
"As far as PCOS, you can have a baby, with medical assistance, so go find a suitable husband who will be a good father. I have PCOS and endometriosis (no symptoms of either condition) and I had 2 kids." - udonowho
"Sounds like he's doing you a favor."
"He doesn't deserve you."
"I have Pcos as well. It doesn't mean you can't get pregnant. It means it can be harder to get pregnant and your chances of miscarriage in the first trimester are 40% [more] likely. I was lucky enough after some miscarriages to have my rainbow baby who is now five years old."
"My friend, who also has pcos, couldn't get pregnant after years. Her husband and her adopted a little girl. A few years later they were able to get pregnant with in vitro. They love them both just as much as I love my son."
"It's not impossible to have a family. It just makes you appreciate them more when you get a child."
"Just make sure you start a family with someone who is worth with. Your current husband doesn't sound worth it. Move on and find someone who loves you regardless." - Wendylovesisaac
"When people show you what they are, believe them" - sabre703
Others specifically stated the OP should initiate the divorce and move on with her life.
"A loving partner would have held you in your grief, would have comforted you, would have spoken to you kindly. This man is a dumpster fire trash bag of an excuse for a person. Tell him you can't wait to divorce his sorry a**."
"I'm so sorry for your double loss." - FanyWest23
"Dump the c**t. He just sees you as a egg repository waiting to be fertilised in order to continue his just awesome genetic line (note - sarcasm)."
"This is not how a man that loves you should respond. 'For richer for poorer, for better for worse'. Your vows mean jack s**t to him."
"You're still in your 20s, f**k him and find someone that loves you not your f**king ovaries." - [deleted]
"He does sounds like he should [not] be a dad anyways, so dump his a**."
"Also there are lots of women who get treatment for PCOS and go on the get pregnant, so not all hope is lost for you. I heard a lot of success stories from women with PCOS who went on the keto diet and were able to get pregnant, you might want to look into that."
"But don't have a child with this guy, he sounds like an a**." - Iamhisbeloved83
"Divorce his a**. If he's causing such a mess over something completely out of your control, he doesn't love/respect you."
"Being able to have a baby or not, he chose to marry you and build a life with you. If this news was enough to make him act the way he did, he never deserved to be in your life anyways."
"He's scum as far as I'm concerned. Cut ties and don't look back." - unfortunatetravisty
Some also encouraged the OP to look into her medical options.
"I completely understand the fear here. But it doesn't mean your infertile. The cysts on your ovaries can stop eggs leaving which can make it increasingly hard to get pregnant, but the cysts can also come and go and are constantly changing with your hormones, apparently diet can really help."
"Not everyone with PCOS can have children because they just miss that slim window there body may give them where the cysts allow an egg to pass through. Others can still have children easily because only 1 ovary has a few small cysts."
"There is alot of material online for you to look at and alot of support groups."
"With your husband, he sounds like a waste of space. He didn't do his own research, was abusive, and he's decided he wants a divorce. Give him it and live a fulfilling life with someone else who will work through things with you especially when you haven't had a chance to grasp things yet." - TheSketchyKoala
"This is so true. I know many women who were diagnosed with PCOS and have had kids. One of my closest friends has it and is pregnant with her second child. The first pregnancy took a long time to conceive but the second one was fast."
"However this guy sounds like a complete piece of trash, leave him and find someone who deserves you." - solemnlyswear732
"I have endometriosis AND PCOS. My kid is 4 and was a big surprise. I was told I was infertile by 3 specialists so they can be wrong."
"Maybe ditch this jacka** and find a good man. Perhaps your body knows he sucks and is just waiting for you to find a better partner." - Princesssassafras
With all of these supportive comments and advice from her fellow Redditors, the OP returned with an update:
"Thanks for the support and the nice words, I don't know how to thank everyone for helping me and giving me your opinions. I know I'm going to get through this and I already told my family and we are considering my options (treatments, vitamins, medicines)."
"From the medical perspective, my doctor says I'm unlikely to have kids but I'm not gonna lose hope. Also, I'm going to find a doctor who has experience with women with PCOS."
"After all the stories of some beautiful women with the same disease who were able to have children I know that I'm not alone anymore. I'm not giving up so fast."
"Thanks again for everyone who helped me."
As to whether her husband will be part of her future is still unclear.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.