People have all kinds of different reactions to bad news. But when your significant other blames you for something that is completely out of your control, that might be a bit of a red flag.
One woman, “queenofthedisaster,” wrote on the “Relationship Advice” subReddit, devasted over her husband’s decision to divorce her after she discovered she wouldn’t be able to carry children.
The OP (Original Poster) stated:
“My husband (32[Male]) wants to leave me because of my infertility.”
It began when the OP received an unexpected diagnosis.
“I (29[Female]) found out yesterday that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).”
“This is not a rare disease, but unfortunately I ignored the symptoms and one of the complications of this disorder is infertility.”
The OP’s husband had an even more unexpected reaction.
“My husband and I have been together for 9 years.”
“Yesterday when I found out and came back from the doctor and told him the bad news he went crazy. He started breaking things and yelling at me.”
“I felt so scared so I locked myself in the bathroom to cry.”
“[His] anger didn’t give me time to process that I was never going to be a mother. When I came out of the bathroom he wasn’t at home so I called him and I told him: ‘this was not an impediment, we could adopt a baby’ but the only thing he did was insult me.”
“Also he was at a bar with his friends and I could hear that they keep saying ‘just dump that bitch and get a new one’.”
The OP decided to get some space and received some unfortunate news.
“He hasn’t come back home yet so I called my mom to ask if could stay with her a couple days. Now I’m staying at my mom’s house and I haven’t told anyone, neither my mom, my dad or my brother.”
“The next thing I knew from my husband is a message that says: ‘I want the divorce.'”
Now the OP isn’t totally sure what to do next.
“I’m freaking out.”
“I know that he’s a major a**hole but I feel so sad and I don’t have enough strength to face him. I don’t know what to do, what to feel and I scared of the future.”
“I just feel disrespected and disappointed for wasting time in a 9 years relationship. I [thought] that he was going to support me no matter what.”
Fellow Redditors shared their support and advice.
Some wrote in to say this is not the kind of man the OP should have children with anyway.
“I promise you, this is not a man you want to raise a child with. His reaction to finding out something about YOUR body is incredibly alarming.”
“You are stronger than you know, and you deserve to be with someone who will love and support you unconditionally. That’s what a true husband/partner does, and I’m sorry to say that is not what you have here.”
“Do yourself a favor and start seeing a therapist for yourself to get your self esteem up and be your own cheerleader. And call around for a good attorney, this does not sound like a man who will give you a fair divorce without you having proper legal counsel. You got this!” – shameonme2
“I’m so glad he showed you this side of himself. You DON’T want to have a baby with him. Not only did he react in a violent way but he went out drinking with his buddies and disrespected you. Plus he did not support you in your time of need when you were upset and vulnerable.”
“As far as PCOS, you can have a baby, with medical assistance, so go find a suitable husband who will be a good father. I have PCOS and endometriosis (no symptoms of either condition) and I had 2 kids.” – udonowho
“Sounds like he’s doing you a favor.”
“He doesn’t deserve you.”
“I have Pcos as well. It doesn’t mean you can’t get pregnant. It means it can be harder to get pregnant and your chances of miscarriage in the first trimester are 40% [more] likely. I was lucky enough after some miscarriages to have my rainbow baby who is now five years old.”
“My friend, who also has pcos, couldn’t get pregnant after years. Her husband and her adopted a little girl. A few years later they were able to get pregnant with in vitro. They love them both just as much as I love my son.”
“It’s not impossible to have a family. It just makes you appreciate them more when you get a child.”
“Just make sure you start a family with someone who is worth with. Your current husband doesn’t sound worth it. Move on and find someone who loves you regardless.” – Wendylovesisaac
“When people show you what they are, believe them” – sabre703
Others specifically stated the OP should initiate the divorce and move on with her life.
“A loving partner would have held you in your grief, would have comforted you, would have spoken to you kindly. This man is a dumpster fire trash bag of an excuse for a person. Tell him you can’t wait to divorce his sorry a**.”
“I’m so sorry for your double loss.” – FanyWest23
“Dump the c**t. He just sees you as a egg repository waiting to be fertilised in order to continue his just awesome genetic line (note – sarcasm).”
“This is not how a man that loves you should respond. ‘For richer for poorer, for better for worse’. Your vows mean jack s**t to him.”
“You’re still in your 20s, f**k him and find someone that loves you not your f**king ovaries.” – [deleted]
“He does sounds like he should [not] be a dad anyways, so dump his a**.”
“Also there are lots of women who get treatment for PCOS and go on the get pregnant, so not all hope is lost for you. I heard a lot of success stories from women with PCOS who went on the keto diet and were able to get pregnant, you might want to look into that.”
“But don’t have a child with this guy, he sounds like an a**.” – Iamhisbeloved83
“Divorce his a**. If he’s causing such a mess over something completely out of your control, he doesn’t love/respect you.”
“Being able to have a baby or not, he chose to marry you and build a life with you. If this news was enough to make him act the way he did, he never deserved to be in your life anyways.”
“He’s scum as far as I’m concerned. Cut ties and don’t look back.” – unfortunatetravisty
Some also encouraged the OP to look into her medical options.
“I completely understand the fear here. But it doesn’t mean your infertile. The cysts on your ovaries can stop eggs leaving which can make it increasingly hard to get pregnant, but the cysts can also come and go and are constantly changing with your hormones, apparently diet can really help.”
“Not everyone with PCOS can have children because they just miss that slim window there body may give them where the cysts allow an egg to pass through. Others can still have children easily because only 1 ovary has a few small cysts.”
“There is alot of material online for you to look at and alot of support groups.”
“With your husband, he sounds like a waste of space. He didn’t do his own research, was abusive, and he’s decided he wants a divorce. Give him it and live a fulfilling life with someone else who will work through things with you especially when you haven’t had a chance to grasp things yet.” – TheSketchyKoala
“This is so true. I know many women who were diagnosed with PCOS and have had kids. One of my closest friends has it and is pregnant with her second child. The first pregnancy took a long time to conceive but the second one was fast.”
“However this guy sounds like a complete piece of trash, leave him and find someone who deserves you.” – solemnlyswear732
“I have endometriosis AND PCOS. My kid is 4 and was a big surprise. I was told I was infertile by 3 specialists so they can be wrong.”
“Maybe ditch this jacka** and find a good man. Perhaps your body knows he sucks and is just waiting for you to find a better partner.” – Princesssassafras
With all of these supportive comments and advice from her fellow Redditors, the OP returned with an update:
“Thanks for the support and the nice words, I don’t know how to thank everyone for helping me and giving me your opinions. I know I’m going to get through this and I already told my family and we are considering my options (treatments, vitamins, medicines).”
“From the medical perspective, my doctor says I’m unlikely to have kids but I’m not gonna lose hope. Also, I’m going to find a doctor who has experience with women with PCOS.”
“After all the stories of some beautiful women with the same disease who were able to have children I know that I’m not alone anymore. I’m not giving up so fast.”
“Thanks again for everyone who helped me.”
As to whether her husband will be part of her future is still unclear.