A child-free wedding is becoming more of the norm nowadays.
Big events like weddings often span a large portion of time.
Kids get tired and need lots of attention and rest.
Which is why kids and weddings are often not conducive.
Redditor JessieLynnReddit wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for bringing my daughter to my own child-free wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So my husband (M[ale] 29) and I (F[emale] 27) just recently got married."
"We spend almost a year planning the perfect wedding, taking the right precautions, etc."
"One of the first rules that we decided was that it was a no-kid wedding."
"We wanted an environment where we wouldn't have to worry about children running around, getting into things, crying, etc."
"We made it very clear on our invitation that we didn't want anyone to bring children under 14."
"However, we decided to bring our daughter (11 months), and I wanted to hold her during the reception and photo taking, and then have a family friend drive her home and wait for the babysitter to get there before coming back."
"Before we settled on that friend, we asked a few people."
"One of the people we asked was my husband's close friend, Darren's, wife Jessica (fake names)."
"She declined because she didn't want to drive, which worked out fine as we were able to find someone else."
"So on the day of our wedding, after we told everyone several times about the no kids rule, she showed up with her 4-year-old."
"I was obviously taken aback, but I went to ask her about it."
"She told me that 'since I was bringing my kid, it was okay if she took hers.'"
"Honestly, I was furious."
I tried to stay calm and tell her that this was a child-free wedding and she couldn't let her kid run around, but if she took her kid home she was welcome to come back."
"She started yelling at me about how since I had a kid it wasn't fair that she couldn't have hers."
"Her son at this point was already climbing on things, as she just let him run free."
"I told her that this was her last chance or she'd need to leave."
"She rolled her eyes, sat in a chair, and watched her son run wild."
"Eventually, her husband Darren convinced her to get her kid and leave, but it ruined the whole first part of my wedding."
"It's been a few weeks now, and I've been thinking, maybe I am wrong."
"I said no kids at my wedding but brought my own."
"A lot of people in my life are also saying it was hypocritical at the least."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your wedding, your rules."
"And, an unsupervised, unrelated 4-year-old is very different from the bride's 11-month-old daughter." ~ HaveYouTriedNot123
"That's like calling the bride a hypocrite for saying no one is allowed to wear white to her wedding, but then she shows up in white."
"Absolutely NTA." ~ Major_Zucchini5315
"I agree with this 100%."
"And I think it's getting worse with each successive generation."
"The wonderful thing about disciplining your children is that they are more fun to have around and for you to enjoy."
"The fact that the friend's child was already climbing on furniture is a sure sign that they do not discipline or parent their child."
"She was just being an AH." ~ Critical_Armadillo32
"The trouble is kids who were never taught to behave in public become parents."
"How can they teach what they never learned?"
"You are spot-on about well-disciplined children, they are an absolute delight, and it kinda sucks that they're left out of things because they seem to be a minority."
"Leaving old folks like me to grumble because I loved weddings as a kid but would hesitate to invite any now."
"The general bar for kid behavior is in the basement, so many parents let their kids crawl under it."
"Like this example." ~ CraftLass
"NTA. Her 'if you can do it so can I' attitude is flippant and disrespectful."
"Especially she didn't do anything to manage his behavior." ~ 3batsinahousecoat
"And the daughter only took pictures and got sent home to her babysitter, which means there were no kids at the wedding."
"You're NTA OP but Jessica is." ~ Jaded-Lemon8415
"Nope. Your wedding, your rules."
"Even if they had been the same age, it is very different to have the children of the bride and groom - who are the most immediate family and part of the marriage - than a guest's child who has no part of the relationship." ~ Living-Ad8963
"NTA... your wedding your rules."
"My sister had her beach wedding childfree except for my kids and her husband's aunt's kids."
"All the kids had a role in the wedding, and she actually spent a lot of time with the kids."
"No one made a fuss because everyone understood." ~ HowDoIDoThisDaily
"You had a minder for your child, and it's understandable that you wanted your baby in the wedding pictures."
"You even had plans to send your baby home after the photos."
"If you feel you owe the other person an explanation, I would make it clear that 'wedding party' and 'guest' are different, and if they would have asked, you would likely explain that your baby was only there to be in the pictures, and you had them elsewhere during the ceremony."
"The only thing you might have done differently was explain your plan to this person who felt that 'if you could, they could too.'"
"Communication is something society is getting weak on, with people being in the same room and can't have a discussion without texting and emojis."
"It's like back in my day, pre-cell phones, we had a game where you had to talk to someone and not move your hands."
"Some people literally can't." ~ anonymousforever
"The problem with this is that she had no clue her friend was going to bring a 4-year-old until she showed up with her child."
"That's not a lack of communication on the bride's part."
"It's a lack of communication on the 'friends' part."
"The friend was just being an AH and self-righteous and entitled."
"I don't see any lack of communication by the bride." ~ Critical_Armadillo32
"This is the part that made it super egregious to me."
"An 11-month-old baby is still at the stage of development where you can pop them in a bassinet or car seat and they are fine for hours."
"They are usually not running around getting into everything the way a toddler or older child would."
"They're not likely going to be climbing the furniture, causing fights with other kids, getting into nonsense."
"It makes perfect sense that you would want your infant to be in the wedding pictures." ~ SunnyAlwaysDaze
"NTA. It's very common for people with kids to have their own kids at their wedding."
"Wanting to have photos with your own child makes a heck of a lot more sense than with an unrelated 4-year-old." ~ Putrid_Performer2509
"And an 11-month-old isn't going to be climbing on anything. NTA."
"She knew about the rule and intentionally broke it to be spiteful."
"Not someone I would want at my wedding as she obviously doesn't care about you enough to respect you on your wedding day." ~ Lazy-Instruction-600
"Your child who was part of things, then sent home because you wanted a child-free party. NTA." ~ Bright_Ad_3690
"I was just like. What."
"You had your daughter for pictures and the actual ceremony, it is fine to have your daughter for this very important milestone."
"She will not remember this, but you."
"It will always be a moment you shared with your family."
"And she will see she was part of it because of the pictures."
"The couple's own kids usually are not included in the no-kid rule."
"And if you want to make exceptions for a ringbearer or flower girl, that is up to you."
"Your wedding, your rules, and as long as these rules are not to single someone out, you are NTA." ~ Any-Music-2206
"NTA. Reading the early part of your post, I figured that the baby would be there for at most an hour for picture-taking purposes."
"It's your wedding, so child-free me would be willing to cut you some slack on bringing the baby."
"An 11-month-old baby is a lot less active than a 4-year-old child who appears to have no discipline at all."
"That you put a condition of not having children under 14 on the invitation that your friends accepted should have protected you from Jessica bringing her child."
"That's the invitation that she accepted, and she shouldn't have unilaterally decided to bring her child just because you were bringing your child to the wedding briefly for photos." ~ No_Philosopher_1870
"It was YOUR wedding and YOUR child."
"Of course you're NTA."
"You had every right to want your child there for photos."
"Your 'friend' tried to make YOUR wedding all about her."
"It's not hypocrisy, and anyone saying that isn't a real friend." ~ Human-Jacket8971
"NTA. Your wedding, your rules."
"You don't need to justify yourself to anyone as to why you decide to bring your own baby to the wedding (it's a no-brainer for me)."
"Making an exception for yourself is not only expected here, it is totally your choice even if it wasn't."
"Enjoy, and mazal tov." ~ edebby
"This is your kid at your wedding, a day about celebrating your love and unity as a family, it's have been strange (to me) if she hadn't been there for a part of it. NTA." ~ ImaginationNo5381
"Absolutely NTA."
"The nerve of some people, honestly!!"
"It's YOUR wedding, your rules, and an 11-month-old isn't going to ruin anything whereas a 4-year-old given free rein can and will."
"AND your child went home after pictures, she expected to have hers there all day. How entitled!"
"She knew he shouldn't be there but went ahead and disrupted your day anyway."
"Selfish, selfish, selfish!"
"I wouldn't be speaking to her again." ~ Choo_Choo444
"Our wedding was child-free except for our kids (9 and 11 at the time) and immediate family kids who were directly involved in the wedding (my nieces and nephew)."
"We explained this on the invitation."
"We had no issues with people complaining."
"Absolutely NTA."
"OP's wedding, OP's rules, and it's her own damn kid, there's no way they would be leaving them out."
"If they do have a problem, then they don't have to come." ~ jason_sos
"NTA. Bride and groom always have the right of exception to any rule they make for their wedding, ESPECIALLY for their own child that is being included in the ceremony." ~ 1randomaustralian
OP had an update for everyone...
"Wow, I was not expecting this to gain this much traction."
"Darren, Jessica's husband, found this post."
"He knew it was obviously about them, so he apologized on both of their behalf."
"Jessica, however, was furious."
"It's only been a few hours since she messaged me."
"I haven't responded yet, seeking advice."
"Here's her text pasted here..."
"Jessie, you are disgusting."
"Posting our private business online for everyone to see? Really?"
"That honestly just proves how immature you are."
"'Darren,' might be sorry, but I'm not."
"I have absolutely nothing to apologize for."
"I wanted my son to be there for you on your special day, and I thought you'd appreciate that."
"You're making your child a spoiled brat, excluding every other child but her."
"You using fake names just proves you're just scared of us and didn't want us to see this."
"You're making my son seem like a monster for just being a child."
"I thought I was your best friend."
"If I was welcome, he should've been too."
"Honestly, at this point, I'd rather you just tell me you don't care about or respect me and my family to my face."
"And the comments? Jeez..."
"I mean you were really just looking for pity, weren't you?"
"You knew the chronically online teens of Reddit would obviously back you up, and that's all you wanted."
"I'm betting you'll post this too, so hi Reddit!"
"She sent several other messages about my personal health and sensitive topics that weren't relevant to her behavior at all, I'd assume just to make me feel bad."
"I really don't know what to say to her. "
"I still love her and care about her, but I don't know whether to try to mend this or cut her off."
Well OP, Reddit is loud and clear!
Your wedding! You're rules!
Your "friend" has really crossed a line with that response.
You deserve time to celebrate your marriage and family.
She knew your child was sticking around for the entire wedding, just photos.
So she took advantage.
Try not to think about any of it anymore.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp