Content Warning: Child Loss, Grief, Grieving Process, Baby Names
Choosing a baby’s name is an almost sacred and deeply beloved part of every future parent’s journey, and the name they choose for their baby will have special meaning for them for the rest of their lives.
Because of that, there is also baby-naming etiquette that fellow parents should live by, like not stealing someone else’s name idea or checking with the family before naming their baby after a late family member, but some entitled parents-to-be believe they’re above the rules, criticized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Margot-Sunny and their wife were still grieving the loss of their four-year-old daughter two years after the accident happened.
When their brother announced that he and his wife were expecting a little girl, and they planned to name her fully after her late cousin, the Original Poster (OP) and his wife were devastated.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to let my brother name his baby after my late daughter?”
The OP and their wife were devastated by the loss of their daughter.
“My wife and I (both 33) lost our 4-year-old daughter two years ago in an accident.”
“It destroyed us, and even though we’re healing, the grief never really goes away.”
The OP’s brother recently made an announcement that hurt them.
“My younger brother (29) and his wife are expecting their first baby, and recently announced they’re naming her our daughter’s exact name.”
“Same spelling, same middle name, same last name, everything.”
The OP confronted their brother, but he took it in a cruel direction.
“When I pulled him aside and asked why, he said it was ‘to honor her memory’ and thought we’d be touched.”
“I told him I wasn’t okay with it and that hearing that name every holiday and birthday would feel like a knife to the chest, not a tribute.”
“He accused me of being selfish and said, ‘She doesn’t belong to you anymore.'”
The OP was shocked by how the family stood against them.
“My parents are siding with him, saying it’s a ‘beautiful way to keep her alive.'”
“My wife cried for hours after hearing the news.”
“Now my family thinks I’m an AH for asking him not to use it.”
“Am I the AH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this was a conversation that should have happened before an announcement was made, and the brother intentionally took that away.
“If they wanted to honor, they would have checked with you and your wife first. NTA.” – MniPenguin
“Tell them, ‘If you cared about my feelings and wanted to honor my daughter, you would have asked me. What’s happening here is a sickening level of selfishness.'”
“And if they continue, go no contact because you do not deserve that mistreatment and heartache.” – UnSleepingMoss
“The OP is better than me, because I would have said, ‘Is naming your daughter that worth losing all contact with me? Bc I will absolutely never talk to you or our parents again if you go through with it.’ NTA.” – NeartAgusOnoir
“NTA. Knowing your reaction, they should change their name plan.”
“In my culture, it’s considered an honor to name a baby after a dearly departed loved one. But holy crap, not if it upsets the grieving parents. It’s disrespectful and NOT honorable at all.” – PrpleSparklyUnicrn13
“NTA. If they wanted to do something like that, they should have come to you first and said, ‘This is what we are thinking, would you be okay with it?'”
“Once you said, ‘No, it will hurt too much,’ they should back off and move on.”
“How could your brother do this, knowing it will continue to hurt you and your wife? Your brother/SIL and your parents are really insensitive.”
“This to me would be a ‘if/then’ scenario, like, ‘Brother, if you do this, then I will go no contact with you.'”
“Really sorry for your loss, OP. I hope you and your wife can find some peace and can comfort each other through this.” – Briscogumm
“It’s been a week since we lost my 12-year-old niece who had a very pretty but common first name.”
“Just in the week since she’s been gone, I’ve seen it in ads, on TV, and heard it in person. I can’t imagine what my sister feels and will feel every time she hears the name.”
“I feel like OP’s sibling and in-law are ‘honoring’ the name as more of a conversation piece and to get kudos. Like, ‘Yes, she’s named after her cousin who has passed.’ Cue all the awwwwwwes and praises of how sweet it is. It’s a selfish sentiment while the OP and their wife suffer.” – MiniMonster2TheGiant
Others were appalled by the brother’s choice of words.
“If anyone tried saying ‘she doesn’t belong to you anymore’ to me, they would be so far cut out of my life so fast. NTA.” – Life_Carrot3058
“She doesn’t ‘belong’ to you anymore? But she belongs to this sick, twisted piece of garbage?”
“That was an unforgivable thing to say. There would be no coming back from it.”
“She doesn’t belong to OP and his wife? It’s difficult to think of something crueler than this.” – TALKTOME0701
“This would be a breaking point for me. If that’s how they felt (she doesn’t belong to you anymore), then I’m choosing my ‘family’ from here on out, and it isn’t with them. What a cruel and disgusting thing to do.” – No-Amoeba5716
“When the brother said THAT part, I thought, ‘I BEG YOUR FINEST PARDON?!'”
“But besides that, imagine being named after your dead cousin. Not having your own name, everyone thinking of her first, everyone associating your cousin with your name, and you, always being the second thought.”
“Always sharing everything with them. Always having the ‘How would xx look at their prom/wedding/first day at Highschool/fifth, sixth, seventh… birthday.’ Yeah, a real honor.”
“That would be reason enough for me to cut ties with them. And the audacity to call you selfish and to act like they hold some claim over your daughter’s memory, identity, and what you feel is respectful. Done.” – Signal_Historian_456
“That line just confirmed they’re looking for clout, not to honour their late niece.”
“I would cut out my entire family after that. Anyone who sided with him would be gone. How DARE they say something as horrendous as that? That’s no brother, that’s a selfish monster.”
“I am not kidding when I say this OP: show them the Reddit post and let them see hundreds of people tear them down for their s**tty behavior.” – Chellyaria
Some agreed and were concerned for the quality of life the OP’s niece would have, having to walk in her late cousin’s shadow for her foreseeable future.
“OP should contact the mother and see how she feels about it. As a mother, I wouldn’t want people feeling sad every time they looked at my kid.” – Ok_Philosophy_3892
“That poor kid, having to live up to the ghost of the first grandchild/niece/cousin. I can just imagine when the kid gets older and finds out where her name comes from and why she has an aunt and uncle that she’s never met.” – Disastrous-Bee-1557
“That would be one hell of a long break for me. How is OP supposed to look at his niece now? There is always going to be resentment there if they ever reconnect.” – Beth21286
“They don’t love or respect the deceased child. They’ve taken her identity. Not to mention how creepy it will be for their child to see memorials bearing her name with a death date that predates her own birth.”
“Their child is going to wonder what her identity is, who she would have been if not for a cousin who died before she was conceived. This isn’t happening through love, it’s not loving to do what they are doing.” – IllustratorSlow1614
“This puts immense pressure and expectations on the child. She will be constantly compared to her cousin. Who wants that for their child?” – Remarkable-Manager56
“Imagine being named after your dead cousin who died as a toddler? First and middle name. That is mental. She will never have her own identity; her family will always think of the late child first.”
“I had a cousin who died in a house fire when she was three from smoke inhalation. Her brothers have named children after her now that they are grown; it’s a completely different story.”
“They lost a little sister and suffered immense grief alongside their mother, and honour her now by naming their children after her (both have one child named after her, only first name or a variation of the name).” – Charliefisk
There are lovely ways to keep a person’s memory alive, ways to honor them, and of course, ways to grieve them, but taking someone’s name in its entirety, and against their parents’ wishes, is not the way to go.
The OP’s brother clearly knew that this wasn’t going to be something the OP was comfortable with, or else he would have discussed it with them first.
By taking the OP’s choice away and announcing it in front of the family, the brother opened up a whole new world of pain for his sibling and sister-in-law while he gave them a reason to be reminded of their loss that much more often.