A lot of thought goes into choosing a baby's name.
Many soon-to-be parents want to name their child in honor of a family member or loved one who meant a lot to them.
Others go for originality, trying to pick a name that few, if any, other expecting parents would think of.
In these cases, when expecting parents do discover that another family thought of the same name, they are usually less than enthusiastic.
Redditor Open-Event-9604 and her husband were expecting a baby boy, and both agreed on what they thought was the perfect name.
Upon sharing this news with her family, the original poster (OP)'s sister was anything but enthusiastic about her choice of baby name.
Even going so far as to demand she change it, which the OP flatly refused.
Wondering if she was in the wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA if I don't change the name of my unborn baby after my sister gave her baby the same name?"
The OP explained why her sister was not at all pleased with what the OP planned to name their baby boy:
"I found out I was pregnant and due in July 2025."
"My sister gave birth to her baby in Feb 2025."
"When I announced my pregnancy to her back in a December 2024, I also announced the gender and the name."
"I found out then she had chosen the same name for her baby boy."
"She has had 3 other children for which she never announced the name."
"Since then, she has been pressuring me to change the name because it causes her panic attack and anxiety."
"She says two cousins born 5 months apart with the same name is going to create an unnecessary rivalry."
"My husband and I had chosen this name prior to conception and announced it to everyone (family & friends) without knowing her intentions."
"I am now 8 months pregnant and I have been calling my baby by this name since the beginning."
"I don't want to change the name."
"Neither does my husband."
"For context, her baby was born with some kidney issues and had to have surgery at 10 weeks old so she has been especially sensitive."
"Personally, I feel for her but I don't see this name thing as a major issue and I don't want to change the name of my baby because she has anxiety over this."
"She did not steal the name, we just happened to choose the same name."
"It is my first pregnancy and I announced the name at the same time of my pregnancy announcement (3 months)."
"She was due with a baby boy 5 months before mine."
"She did not announce the name and kept it secret (as she did with her 3 other children)."
"I found out she chose the same name when I saw the look on her face when i announced it to her."
"Am I the a**ole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to change the name of her baby boy.
While just about everyone agreed that the OP was under no obligation to change the name of her child, as she shared her intent to use the name first, many still sympathized with her sister. They cited her anxiety and panic attacks likely stemmed from her baby's poor health and not the fact that he would share a name with his cousin:
"NAH."
"But only because your sister is clearly having a very hard time because her baby is/was sick."
"That's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone and is likely to be causing her to be a bit irrational. Maybe she's worried her little boy will die and then be forgotten if his name isn't unique, especially with how close in age he will be to your son?"
"But that's not a reason for you to change the name if you don't want to."
"Cousins having the same name is so so common!"
"And you've said you plan on using an Italian nickname, so really, it's not like there will be two Johns the same age being called 'John.' If you're trying to get the attention of one kid, yours will be Mario or whatever."
"Completely blanked on Italian names for some reason, haha."- Anxious_Reporter_601
"Soooo your sister has a baby that's sick and has already had one surgery?"
"Let me be morbid."
"Imagine her child dies from those problems."
"Are you going to regret using the same name then?"
"That said, NAH."- violue
"Possibly NAH, although the 'pressuring' leans toward your sister being TA."
"People, even in the same family, often have the same name."
"What 'rivalry' comes from this?"
"Natural nicknames, or using middle names (Bobby Jo and Bobby Sue), or a hundred other things can solve this."
"It's not entirely clear that she chose the name because you had already told her, but they had the right idea with their first two: no need to 'announce' a name before the child is born."
"Only the parents need to be involved in naming."
"So if you and your husband want this name, it's your child's name."
"A therapist can help your sister with her anxiety; that's not your job."- Tangerine_Bouquet
"NAH."
"Your sister didn't know that was the name you chose when she selected that name."
"Taking this info from your comment."
"She has a right to feel the way she does, and you also have a right to love the name you chose and stick to it."
"Neither of you own a name."
"Now what you both need to think about is the future of the kids."
"How often they will meet (I guess very, because they'll be around the same age), if this will be uncomfortable etc."
"The main thing to consider is if either of you want to die on this hill."
"You both could choose another name or you both could choose the same, either way keep the kids' well-being in focus."
"If you two will build resentment over this, and it ruins your relationship, think about whether it's worth it or not."
"Try to talk this through with her calmly if you can. Don't be accusatory or attacking, just ask her what, in her opinion, you both should do and if she thinks it would be acceptable for both kids to have that same name and differentiate with nicknames or a second name."- faulty_rainbow
Others pointed out that no one has the right or authority to call dibs on names, and since the OP announced the name first, if anyone should change the name of their baby, it should be the OP's sister:
"NTA."
"I've seen posts like this from other people."
"How does it give her anxiety?"
"She doesn't corner the market on that name."
"As a matter of fact, if you told her long before SHE was pregnant, then she 'stole' the name from you."
"And how does she think having the same name will cause a rivalry?"
"That's just really odd."
"She needs to get over herself."
"Congratulations."- Romance-BookWorm-55
"NTA."
"As far as I understand, you announced it first."
"So (imo) it doesn't matter if her baby was born first, you announced the name before she did."
"You've been calling your baby this name since the beginning and feel like it's theirs."
"In my family, my brother and my cousin share one name (granted, for my brother is his middle name and for my cousin his first), and we've never had an issue because of that."
"My brother usually goes by both names or just by his middle."
"My cousin either by both, or by his middle as well."
"Idk."
"I think you have to prioritize your family."
"Your sister chose to name her baby the same name as yours, not the opposite."
"So why should you change it?"- azaharinflames
"NTA."
"I have two sets of cousins with the same names."
"In some countries it's extremely common, as people name their children after their parents (this was the case in my family)."
"From your post I understand it's not common where you are, but it's not the end of the world."- remote_goblin
"NTA."
"Just go with your name."- Comfortable_Rub7549
It would be one thing either the OP or her sister named their child a certain name knowing the other planned on using it.
In which case, they would both have a right to be furious.
However, seeing as the OP was the one who shared her intention to use this particular name first, it seems more than a little unreasonable of her sister to demand she change it.
While one can certainly sympathize with the OP's sister for everything she's already had to endure with her new baby, she also must be aware that this would not be the first case of cousins sharing the same name.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp