I went to college with sisters who were first generation Americans of Khmer parents from Cambodia. Their sames varied by two letters at the end.
Ignorant people on campus referred to them as the "Cambodian sisters with the same name" and not bothering to learn which name went with which sister.
By that logic Timmy, Tammy, and Tommy definitely have the same name. After all, there's only one letter different in each of them.
A new mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her sister accused her of using the same name as her twins for her child.
Sufficient-View2574 asked:
"AITA for still using the baby name I told my sister I was going to use, despite her using a variation of it first?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (35, female) had my first daughter in September. While I was pregnant my sister (38, female) was also pregnant with a boy. In reality she was pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl, but thought it would be fun if it was a surprise for everyone."
"During that time I told her that I planned to name this baby after our mom, Colette, and my husband's mother, Coral, both names start with 'Co' and I think 'Coco' is an adorable nickname. She told me the name they picked was a surprise and they didn't want to reveal it until the baby was here."
"Lo and behold her twins are born in August, everyone is super surprised that it's twins. She names them Cole and Lettie. I didn't think much of it except that it was really cute and sweet that she clearly named them after our mom."
"When my daughter was born, I followed through and named her Colette Coral, we almost exclusively call her Coco."
"My sister is very annoyed that I followed through with the name and brings it up all the time how ridiculous it is that three of them practically share a name. It's also confusing if full names are used, I will admit that."
"Despite me telling her my entire pregnancy this was the name I planned to use. I even had stuff made with the name! She ensures everyone knows her babies we're born first."
"Honestly, If she had told me months ago that she planned to use Cole and Lettie, I probably would've pivoted, but she never said anything. Heck, even if she told me she was using Cole I would've re-evaluated."
"Currently debating legally swapping Coral and Colette simply to keep the peace, but that feels an awful lot like admitting I'm the a**hole in the first place."
"So Am I the A**hole?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Despite my sister naming her babies first. I went ahead and used the name I picked that is arguably the same name."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Cole, Lettie, and Colette are three distinctly different names. They're as close to being the same name as Jimmy and Tammy or Danny and Connie."
"All y'all need to get a grip and stop making something out of nothing. When your sister brings it up, act like she's as insane as you all sound because they aren't the same names. They aren't even close. Good, Lord..."
"Multiple people in my family (all cousins) are named Jacqueline. And no one died. They each use variations as their nicknames: Jac, Jacquee, Jacky, Jackie. Again, no one died."
"No one's the a**hole, but everyone sounds ridiculous." ~ MohawMais
"NTA, and I would tell her 'til the cows come home.... 'if this was gonna be a problem for you... you shouldn't have done it. I told you what I was gonna do and I did it'."
"'Was your plan really to save this secret until the last minute and then expect we would change our planned names on short notice to accommodate your feelings? Did you have any consideration for my feelings? For real, tell me that wasn't your actual plan here and that somehow I'm the problem'." ~ chuckinhoutex
"I agree but would shorten it down to: 'You knew what my daughter's name was going to be. If you had a problem with similar names, why did you name your children so close to mine?'." ~ Beaumis
"The craziest part is she probably genuinely convinced herself she is the victim here. Manipulators always have this complete lack of self-awareness the absolute second their script gets flipped and you don't react the way they planned." ~ Better_Dream7722
"NTA, she did it on purpose, that's why she asked and refused to tell hers. Never share your baby names until the baby is born or else you end up with this situation. Now you know for next time?" ~ oCrystal
"NTA. It was definitely on purpose. I don't get why people continue to try these games with children's names." ~ AccountNameNeeded
"Listen, if George Foreman can name all 5 of his sons George and one of his daughters Georgette, I’m sure your set of cousins will be fine."
"But I do think Coral Colette flows more nicely."
"Either way NTA. Your sister should’ve clued you in since she was aware of your plan." ~ romero0705
"Your answer cracked me up, but you are totally right!"
"OP keep the name if you like it. It's a special connection to your mum, and a now a special connection between cousins. NTA."
"If it annoys your sis, she can only blame herself as she had all the info when she named her kids!" ~ llamadiorama99
"Her sister couldn't clue her in, because that would give away the fact that she wanted to claim use of the names for herself."
"This was intentional by the sister. I would bet a TON of money that she didn't have those names chosen until told about the plans for Coral Colette." ~ steveamsp
"Why would you change the name? You need to tell your sister that she knew what you were naming your daughter, and she chose those names anyway. This is the last time you want to hear about it, and you won't be changing the name. She needs to get over it." ~ Jazzy404404
"Yeah, it’s funny how the sister is saying it’s confusing etc... when she is the one who created this situation lollll OP do not fold to this bully behavior. Remind her as many times as she brings it up that she’s the one who created all of this." ~ falloutgrungemaster
"I have two cousins and a grandfather named Charlie. No one mixes them up. Don't change your baby's name to 'keep the peace,' you will just show you can be manipulated." ~ Thismarno
"There are like 45 Williams or a variation of William in my husband's family, both maternal and paternal. His paternal grandmother has 2 brothers, both named William."
"They named their sons William. His uncle is named William, and he named his son William. My husband's middle name is William."
"His maternal grandfather was William, and he named his son William. Just so many Williams and they all had nicknames, so no one was ever confusing them." ~ RougeOne23456
"You’re never 'keeping the peace,' you’re 'keeping the tension.' She’s just going to find something else that she decides she wants to push you around on. She can dwell in the awkwardness of the situation she created." ~ PanBlanco22
"NTA She's only mad because she tried to steal some of your thunder, and it didn't work. The kids' names are fine, the only one with a chafed butt is your sister, it's not worth the attention." ~ hereticallyeverafter
"NTA. I'm confused how Cole, Lettie, and Colette are too similar names for cousins to have. Honestly, unless you're saying both her kids' names together without the 'and' in between, you could miss the fact they're cole-lettie. But no one else will notice this similarity." ~ Broken-Ice-Cube
"Keep the name—they aren’t the same. Your sister is being ridiculous. NTA." ~ Smooth-Original-6478
"I have two cousins and an aunt with the same name and everyone is just fine." ~ Jmac_files
"I'm related to 14 women with the same French Feminine name as me and 12 men with the masculine version. At least I'm not Michel/Michelle, there are about 45 of those in my extended family." ~ Battle-Any
"NTA. Next time she brings it up just point out she knew your choice and if she had an issue she shouldn’t have chosen what she did. It’s all on her and you don’t want to hear anything further on it."
"Also Cole, Colette and Coco are not the same." ~ RomanceBkLvr
"NTA. Keep the name. It’s cute a a nod to both grands as I’m sure they love it. Your sister sounds petty." ~ Classic-Delivery3875
"Your sister clearly wanted to be difficult and get the props for naming her kids after your mother and is annoyed you didn’t give in to her. I suppose you could swap the names, but given you’re using the nickname Coco, I don’t think it’s an issue that needs addressing."
"If your sister persists in saying her kids were born first, just reply with ‘yes, and I told you my name choice first.’ Nothing else - just let everyone else connect the dots. NTA." ~ According-Let3541
Sibling rivalry can be a lifelong issue for some people. Maybe it's time for everyone to grow up.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp