Baby names can bring out the worst in people, for some bizarre reason.
People dislike the names parents choose, couples fight over choices, family members try to dictate which name is chosen, people try to lay sole claim to a name, etc.
A soon-to-be second-time mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit for feedback over her baby name drama.
Parking-Historian499 asked:
"AITA for using the baby name my sister-in-law (SIL) wants to use?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I (mid 30s) are expecting baby number 2. We have a 2-year-old son already and are expecting a daughter. My SIL (husband's younger sister) has a 3-month-old daughter and is not planning on trying for another baby for a few years."
"We've been honest about the baby names we like when asked, and our top baby name currently is a pretty popular name (top 10 and has been in the top 100 for a long time). My SIL told us last week that our top name is the girl's name she has always loved and planned to use for her future daughter."
"The name is Emma. It's such a simple basic name (which is why I love it), so I'm surprised it's causing this much drama."
"I truly can't remember her ever mentioning this name when she was pregnant with her daughter."
"Her husband is Italian, and all the names my husband and I can remember them sharing were all Italian names. Emma isn't Italian, so I'm surprised it's even on her radar, let alone a top name."
"My husband asked her why she didn't already use the name since she already has a daughter, and she said her husband picked her daughter's name (not sure if this is true), but the name we've picked is the name she's always wanted to use. She's asking us to pick any other name from our list and save this one for her."
"She has no emotional connection to the name at all; it's not a family name on her side or her husband's side. However, it was my great-grandmother's name."
"We didn't pick it for that reason, and my great-grandmother died before I was born, but when we told my mom the name, she got emotional because it was her grandmother's name. I thought that was special, so that is one push for us to want to use it over the others we liked."
"Our other reservation about 'saving' the name for her is that she doesn't know if she will ever have another daughter, so it seems silly to save it. If she were currently pregnant with a girl, I would maybe be slightly more receptive to a conversation about this."
"I would be so upset if we don't use this name and then she never uses it either."
"I wouldn't care if we both use the same name. She has a different last name from us (married name) and lives in a different state."
"Plus, I'm fine with my child going by a nickname, if that makes things easier. But she is not fine with that."
"My dad and his first cousin have the same first, middle, and last name and it's really not an issue. Only time it gets slightly confusing is if one of them changes their Facebook pic to something other than their picture, so I can't figure out who is who in my newsfeed without checking their profile."
"She's been making a lot of noise about this to other family member and we've gotten calls from my in-laws and my husband's aunt giving us other name suggestions and trying to get us to pick something else."
"My husband is adamant that we're not changing our minds and doubling down that that's the name. Which we hadn't even fully 100% decided, it was just a strong frontrunner."
"She and my husband already have a kind of tense relationship (or at least he would describe it that way, she probably wouldn't). They're fine and pleasant to each other when we see her, but we don't go out of our way to spend time with her."
"But hearing all the noise from family, I'm starting feel guilty. His family is genuinely making me feel insane."
"So I'm wondering, AITA if I use the name?"
"Truly regret ever sharing our list with anyone at this point. We weren't officially announcing the name though."
"We just got asked a lot by family what names we're considering and saw no reason to gatekeep (regretting that now)."
"For this situation, SIL had asked me over text what names we liked, and I screenshotted her the list we had going in our notes app. It had like 5 names on it."
"And I told her which one was our favorite."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Using a baby name that my sister-in-law wants to use. My husband's extended family is heavily implying I'm the a**hole, and my sister-in-law is upset."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"How can people lay claim to names they may never have the opportunity to use in the future, particularly when they could have used the name in the past? It's both selfish and unreasonable."
"NTA. Name your baby what you want and tell any guilt trippers that the subject is not up for discussion. If she ends up pregnant with a girl in a few years, she can still use the name. Many families have cousins with the same name."
"They are either favoring their daughter over your husband, or she has whined and cried to them enough that they just want her off their backs—thus guilt tripping you. Don't let them think you are weak and can be manipulated. Your baby, your name!" ~ IcyWorldliness9111
"NTA. She had her chance to use the name and didn't do so for the first or middle name, so it can't be that important to her."
"Not to mention she isn't planning on even trying for another baby for a while, and trends change quickly, she could be totally over this name in a couple of years and never use it, and then you would regret passing on it for nothing."
"Use the name, SIL can get over herself." ~ Salty-Tea6815
"Aaaand this is why you don't tell anyone the baby's name until it's on the birth certificate. Cousins with the same name are not unknown. NTA." ~ TassieBorn
"I have a big Italian family—lots of relatives. At one point years ago, there were 11 Anthonys. Name the baby whatever you want." ~ Annie17851
"I have like 40 cousins. Call for John, James, Anthony, and Michael, and you get 60% of them." ~ SecretLadyMe
"Big Mexican family, here. The 20 cousins on one parent's side got off easy—no repeated names among the cousins."
"As for the 30 on the other parent's side... Most of the guys are named José or Hector, after their dad, or a combination of those." ~ Narwen189
"NTA. Actual baby trumps hypothetical future baby. People who nuke relationships over this kind of thing confuse the hell out of me." ~ Fall_Relic
"I have two older sisters, one of which never wants kids and the other who goes back and forth about wanting kids, but is 30+ and single and doesn't want to be an 'old mom' so she doesn't want kids and blah, blah, blah."
"When I was a month away from having my parents' first grandchild, a baby girl, my parents offered me the totes of baby clothes they'd held onto for 30 years in the hopes to have a future granddaughter wear them."
"To say my sister threw a fit would be an understatement. Like, she's single and nowhere near having kids, and even if she did who knows if it'd be a girl. I'm weeks away from my daughter being born, yet she didn't want me to have them because she wanted them for her hypothetical baby."
"I told her that I'll keep all the clothes after my daughter grows out of them, and when she has a daughter, I'll give them to her. But my sister was so upset because I might 'ruin them' and refused to even try to be reasonable."
"She also was super crappy to me my entire pregnancy and postpartum and never tried to get to know her niece. But I'm no contact with her now and never took the totes of clothes because it wasn't worth the fight."
"The first thing I said when she mentioned wanting them was that she could go through them first and take whatever she wanted, but she just said how she wanted them all. It wasn't worth the energy it'd take to fight her about it."
"I made sure to communicate with my parents privately about our childhood toys, like the Barbie's and American girl dolls, and got the totes of those before she even thought about them because those were a majority mine anyways and getting those for my daughter to play with in a few years was a hill I'd die on." ~ sammyluvsya
"NTA. You can both use the name. Who cares if cousins share a name? Families have multiple people with the same name all the time." ~ witx
"Back in the day, people were routinely named after their relatives. My own mother is one of four Margarets, and each go by a different version (Rita, Peggy, Margaret, Maggie)." ~ nuance61
This is OP's husband's family, and if he doesn't care about their demands, she doesn't need to.
As OP stated, they could both use the name Emma if the sister-in-law ever has another daughter.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp