Choosing the name for a child is never as easy as we might hope it will be.
While some people grow up knowing what their children's names will be from a very young age, they are often surprised to discover that their spouse might not share their excitement for that name.
Then too, even if spouses are in agreement and excited about what their children's names will be, they might have a sudden change of heart when the names earn a new, less than celebratory association.
Or if someone beats them to the punch.
Redditor kd0236 was expecting her first child, a daughter, and she and her husband had picked the perfect name for her.
The original poster (OP)'s sister was also expecting a baby girl, and the OP was more than a little surprised by her choice of name.
What's more, the OP's sister shared her chosen name with their entire family, much to the OP's chagrin.
Wondering if her frustrations were justified, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my SIL that I don't want to share a baby name."
The OP explained why her sister's shared excitement of baby names caused a rift in their relationship:
"My SIL and I are both pregnant with girls due within 2 months of each other, I'm first."
"We shared with them the baby's middle name before they found out they were having a girl and they recently told us they were considering a nearly identical first name and the same middle name."
"When I was surprised that it was almost the same exact name she acted surprised like we haven't previously shared the name."
"Which we did on multiple accounts."
"She said she was ok naming them the same if she decided on that name I said it could be confusing and not ok with it."
"She's now been sharing with everyone that they decided to name the baby that name and I feel extremely pressured and manipulated into going along with it."
"I feel like she took the name (it's not significant to her in anyway, I asked) and when my husband and I previously shared the name we explained the significance etc."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for not wanting to share a baby name with her sister.
Some felt that her frustrations were justified, as it seemed that her sister did steal the name with no regrets, even if they felt that if the name meant that much to the OP, she should have kept it a secret:
"NTA."
"But why are you going along with it and letting her pressure you?"
"Use the name you and your husband have planned for your daughter and let her name hers whatever she wants."
"You're giving birth first so it'll look like she copied you and I suspect she'll backtrack and if she doesn't, that's her choice."- ThatOneGirlyx05
"NTA."
"But for future reference, don't share baby names until birth if you are that protective of it."
"Sil is doing it to get under your skin, which she succeeded."- Shichimi88
"NTA."
"This is exactly why ppl don't share baby names til after the baby is born."- Scrubtech-123
"NTA."
"Does she often try to compete with you like this?"
"Maybe you should get some healthy distance from her for a while."
"I bet you'll be happier."- fiercequality
"NTA."
"Pick another baby name."
"And keep quiet about it."
"Put this relative at a distance from you/your family."
"She/They are selfish."- JustAGal_Love
"NTA."
"To what you're asking—it's okay to tell her you don't want the girls to share a name."
"You'll give birth first and you get to choose the name first, but you can't control what comes after that."
"Yes it will look weird and yes it will look like she copied you, which makes me feel like she'll get cold feet and change her mind."
"But then who cares!"
"Your daughter will go on to have her own friend group and her own life; it's annoying and weird of them but it really won't impact anything that much."
"Totally fair to feel annoyed and NTA for sharing your opinion."- FalconAlternative282
"Your kid is born first."
"So her kid is gonna get some stupid nickname or go by a middle name anyway and you'll look normal."
"NTA, no one can take a name from you."
"It's significant to your family and you've already decided."- sourdough_s8n
"NTA."
"Name your kid whatever you want."
"Sounds like a jealous SIL."- yeah_no5796
"NTA."
"However, no one owns a name."
"Your child will be born first."
"It will be up to Sil to explain why the names are so similar."- redditavenger2019
While others didn't think the OP's sister necessarily did anything wrong, as plenty of people share names with other family members:
"NAH."
"It's fine to feel however you want."
"And they're allowed to name their child whatever they want."
"No one is pressuring or manipulating you."
"They get to name their kid whatever they want."
"How you feel about it simply isn't their problem."
"Also, you're the only one who will be confused."
"As someone with the most common name during a ten year period when I was born, not once was I confused."- Disastrous-Nail-640
"NAH."
"'She said she was ok naming them the same if she decided on that name I said it could be confusing and not ok with it. She's now been sharing with everyone that they decided to name the baby that name and I feel extremely pressured and manipulated into going along with it'."
".. SHE has set her baby's name."
"Nothing wrong with that."
"You have two options:"
"Find another name (and don't tell her)."
"Or accept that you will share the name."- k23_k23
Then there were those who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, feeling she was making this whole thing a much bigger deal than it actually was:
"YTA."
"You are making a big deal out of this."
"Call your baby what you want and stop worrying about things that are not important."
"What difference is it going to make to your life or your daughter's?"
"You are choosing to feel insulted and ruining what should be a happy time in your life."- Mrs_B-
"YTA."
"No one owns a name."
"They have the right to choose whatever name they want for their child."
"You have the same and equal right to choose any name you want for your child."- irenehollimon
"YTA."
"Not in your realm of control."
"You have no right to dictate the names of others' kids."- Initial-Read-5892
"YTA."
"She can name her baby whatever she wants just as you can."
"You don't get to gatekeep a name."- asurkhaib
"YTA you cannot claim a name."
"No one has a right to dictate to someone else on what to name their kid."
"Your not being pressured or manipulated either, your SIL said she's ok with her kid having the same or similar names to your kid, and you're not ok with it."
"That's all that's happening here."
"She's been honest."
"It's unclear if you've expressed your opinion to your SIL but if you haven't I'd say you've been dishonest."
"Not that your feelings should have any bearing on her name choice anyway."
"Grow up."
"Sometimes people have the same name, your kid isn't unique because they're not closely related to anyone else who shares their name."- BigBear92787
"YTA."
"She is doing to spite you or she finds it great bonding between family to have a similar name."
"Like they do with kids."
"There is nothing wrong with naming their kids a name that they want."
"You should not dictate to others to not name their kids."
"It is usually taken as manipulating behavior."- Sea_Sea1573
While a few had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or her sister:
"ESH."
"I get that you are not excited about this but you do not own the right to a name."
"Everybody sucks here."- SaltyPlan0
The OP later returned with an update, sharing where things stood with her sister, and how she and her husband planned on proceeding:
"Had a follow up conversation with my brother and they're backing off the middle name (my brother admitted he heard us sharing the name) but basically said they are naming her the same first name because that's what my SIL wants."
"So after the advice here and talking to my husband we are going with a different first name (AND NOT TELLING ANYONE)."- kd0236
There are plenty of people who share a name with their cousins, aunts, uncles, mothers, and fathers.
Leaving one to wonder what exactly the OP's frustration is, that her sister "stole" her baby name, or that her baby name won't be unique.
Her frustrations in either scenario are certainly valid.
At least it seems clear that, seeing how much this matters to her, the OP will leave this experience a bit more cognizant of what information is with sharing to others...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp