It's always exciting when a new baby is welcomed into a family.
Of course, the baby's arrival also comes with a fair share of stress and anxiety.
Not only sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and endless crying, but also friends and family members chiming in with unwanted parenting advice.
Sometimes including unwanted opinions or suggestions regarding names.
Redditor Horror_Cell3270 and his wife were expecting a baby.
While the original poster (OP)'s wife felt she had a perfect name in mind for their soon-to-be-born daughter, the OP's mother was less than thrilled with the idea.
Much to the annoyance of his wife, the OP agreed with his mother.
As the OP and his wife continued to argue about this matter, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for picking my moms side over my wife's in baby names?"
The OP explained why they found themself sleeping on the couch following an argument regarding the name of their soon-to-be-born daughter:
"I, 37 M[ale] have been married to my wife (34) for 6 years."
"We're expecting our second child (first girl, though.)"
"My wife and I have been going back and forth on baby names, but one name she really liked was my deceased sister's."
"When I was 4, I had a sister who was a little over a year who died in a car accident that left my father disabled."
"I don't really remember much of it, but I remember the hit it took on my mother and father and the years after."
"Also, to my wife, it wasn't even about honoring my sister; it was just a plus, she just really liked the name."
"We were discussing it with my mother, and my mother had asked her nicely, please do not name her that."
"My wife was upset and said well I really like the name."
"I took my mother's side because it was traumatic for her, and I would never want to put that pressure on my daughter as well."
"When we got home, my wife was furious and said we're supposed to be deciding baby names, not my mom and I, and how we could name her whatever we wanted, it wasn't up to anyone else."
"I defended my mother still and we got into a big argument."
"She basically told me I should go sleep at my mom's, then I ended up sleeping on the couch."
"We are still arguing a bit about it."
"I didn't bring my mother into this."
"We were at my mother's house, and my wife and mother were discussing the baby."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for taking his mother's side on this issue.
While some felt that the OP could have handled the situation better than he did, everyone otherwise agreed that this was not an issue of taking sides, but rather being sensitive to a highly emotional memory of the OP's mother, not to mention the OP himself:
"I was ready to support the wife on this, but naming a baby after someone's tragically dead sister without them wanting you to?"
"That's gross."
"NTA."- Highfalutinflimflam
"I was ready to read you the riot act."
"But yeah, NTA."
"But for your sake, stop talking about it as siding with your mom."
"YOU don't want to name your daughter after your sister."
"Full stop."- Mushrooms24711
"NTA."
"Being reminded of your dead child every time you speak your grandchild's name is a cruelty I wouldn't wish on anyone."
"What the hell is up with your wife?"- sbinjax
"NTA, but you're an idiot."
"The point isn't really that it's not what your mom wants."
"The point is that it's not what you want."- BalloonShip
"Your wife is horribly disregarding your family's feelings."
"You are NTA."- Redmare57
"NTA."
"Yes, your wife is correct that you two choose the name, not anyone else."
"But that also means not choosing a name that will be traumatizing to your extended family."
"It would be one thing if your mom just didn't like the name or it reminded her of a coworker she dislikes."
"In that case, she'd have to just suck it up."
"But not wanting your grandchild named after your deceased daughter seems reasonable to me."
"And, to be fair, some people would love this."
"There's no right or wrong way to feel about it."- BurnedWitch88
"That's incredibly insensitive and self-centred."
"You're NTA."
"Your wife's attitude is very concerning."- Moose-Live
"NTA."
"But you need to frame this as YOUR decision, not your mom's."
"If you want the name, it's a yes."
"If you don't, it's a no."
"Baby names are always 1 no for a no."- Oatz3
"What's wrong with your wife?"
"Clearly, the name is associated with familial trauma. Why would she even want a daughter with a name that's so heavily attached to heartache?"
"She needs some sense and reasoning brought to her."
"What the fuck Clearly NTA."- anonalien-
"NTA."
"Your wife is being remarkably unempathetic about this."
"This isn't just 'some cute name'."
"There are literally millions of names she could choose."
"Heck, y'all could just make one up if you wanted."
"She's being selfish and short-sighted."
"She needs to let this name go."- loloannd
"NTA, this is a really reasonable ask from your mom."
"If you wanted to honor your sister, that would be something different, but it doesn't sound like that's what you want."
"Names should be a two yes-one no situation, and you don't want that name."- North-Perspective376
"NTA."
"Baby names are 2 yes decisions, no matter the reasons."
"You are deciding with your wife, you said no, there are thousands more to choose from."
"It's also pretty insensitive of your wife to get that worked up over a randomly chosen name, which is that painful for someone that will be in your life."- Pixichixi
"This is a two-yes, one-no situation."
"You've said no for a very good reason."
"She needs to move on."
"NTA."- Gigafive
"NTA."
"Explain to your wife that you are not taking your mom's side."
"It's just that your mother will never be able to connect with her granddaughter because every time she sees her, it will only remind her of her dead child."
"That grief never goes away, no matter how many years have passed."
"Ask your wife if anything happened to your son, would she be ok with a family member using his name for a child that she would see all the time?"
"Why doesn't your wife care about your mother's tragedy?"
"Is she always insensitive to other people's traumas?"
"Yes she has pregnancy brain, but that is even more reason why she should understand your mother."
"Stay firm."
"Depending on where you live, both parents have to sign the birth certificate."
"Let her know you will not sign off on that name because she is just being cruel."- Malibucat48
"NTA."
"I was ready to bring out the pitchfork and torch when I read the title, but wow, your wife."
"Her lack of empathy and selfishness are stunning."
"There are an infinite number of names you could name your child, and the name of your deceased sister doesn't need to be one of them."
"Why saddle the kid with the weight of family history like that. Is there a trusted family member or friend in her life that could talk her out of this since she won't listen to you?"- angelaelle
"NTA, this is not a typical case of some gatekeeping a name for a nonsense reason."
"There is realized trauma for you and your mother around that name."
"Baby names should be a two yes/ one no situation."
"Your wife is being unreasonable and kind of showing her a**."- EpicAcadian
"NTA."
"Maybe make it clear to your wife that you do not want the name either."
"That it is not just your mother's preference, but yours as well."
"She said herself that 'we', as in you both, get to choose the name."- lifrench
"NTA, there is a name that I love and want to use for a future daughter."
"However, if I were in a situation similar to yours and it was the name I love, I would not be using it."-RefrigeratorRare4463
"NTA names are two yes or one no decisions."
"You don't want to name your kid that name, so discussion over."
"Your wife knew it was a messed-up thing to do, which is why she asked your mom."-thenexttimebandit
It would be one thing if the OP's wife was specifically to honor the memory of the OP's late sister.
This was not the case, however.
While parents should be the first and only say on their children's names, it's also not unreasonable to consider whether a specific name might strike a nerve or bring up feelings in friends and family members.
Something the OP's wife will hopefully realize before their daughter is born.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.