One of the first joys that a person will have on their journey to parenthood is choosing the name they will give their baby.
Sometimes, parents go back and forth for months, exchanging ideas before they find one that feels right for their child. It's absolutely something that should come to an agreement about, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor throwRA_Tonight401 had been with his girlfriend for the past five years and welcomed his first child with his girlfriend into the world six months ago.
But despite their shared history, the Original Poster (OP) was strongly considering leaving his girlfriend, because she selected a first name for their baby without him.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for breaking up with my girlfriend and just coparenting with her after she named our daughter without me?"
The OP and his girlfriend made an agreement about how to name their future daughter.
"I (28 Male) and my girlfriend (27 Female) have been together for five years. We had our daughter six months ago. I need to know if I’m overreacting."
"When we found out she was pregnant, we made a mutual and clear agreement, no baby names unless we both like it. We both said it out loud multiple times."
"That was the deal; I kept giving her names all throughout the pregnancy. She didn’t like any of them. Every time, she’d say, 'It doesn’t fit our daughter.' That was it. No other reason. I’d ask what would fit, and she’d say she didn’t know yet."
The OP's girlfriend ended up breaking their baby-naming agreement.
"Our daughter was born six months ago. In the hospital, a few hours after birth, while my girlfriend was filling out the birth certificate paperwork and still on pain meds, she wrote down her grandmother’s name."
"I told her I didn’t like it. It sounds old, like Mable, Eleanor, or Mildred."
"She said if I vetoed it, then she wouldn’t give our daughter my last name. She didn’t want to argue right after giving birth, so she just said that and kept filling it out."
"I didn’t want to make a scene in the hospital with nurses there and coerce her, because then I’d be a hypocrite. So I signed."
The OP couldn't look at his girlfriend the same way after that.
"I lost a lot of romantic feelings after that."
"I lost faith in her because she violated our agreement and basically threatened me into agreeing."
"I’d already bought a ring last year because I decided I wanted to marry her while she was pregnant. The plan was to propose in January, for our anniversary, our daughter was already born by then."
"After the hospital, I couldn’t see myself proposing. I don’t see a future anymore."
The OP was debating what his next steps would be.
"Now we’re both back at work. I still have six weeks of paternity leave I haven’t used, and I can use leave for six more months before it expires. I’m thinking of using that time to move out, and then we just coparent."
"I’ll be there for my daughter 100%, but I don’t trust my girlfriend anymore, and I don’t respect her as I once did."
"Before this, I would have communicated any problem with her. Now I know I can’t, and I don’t even want to tell her the real reason for the breakup, because she’ll play victim to our families and try to use them to get back with me. It’ll just cause more problems."
"So would I be overreacting if I just broke up with her, and we coparent?"
"I feel like I’m not overreacting because she lied about me having a say and coerced me when I couldn’t really fight back."
"But it’s been six months, and part of me wonders if I’m holding onto this too hard for the sake of our daughter."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some had a very negative perspective on the turn this relationship had taken.
"Her whole plan is for him to just give in, give up, and then she wins and gets what she wants."
"I would never be able to let that go even if I genuinely tried." - LostBoysTillDeath
"Sorry, but 'agree or baby isn’t getting your last name' is straight up manipulation." - Dabbles-In-Irony
"There isn't really any 'making it right' in this situation, and he's already said he fears that if he tells her the real reason for the breakup, she'll play victim to their families and use them to try to force him to stay with her. So if he brings it up and it doesn't go well and then he wants to coparent instead, he might've backed himself into a corner." - insnowmotion
"She knew what she was going to name the child before then. That's why she kept rejecting names. And she knew he'd hate it. That's why she didn't tell him. She also lied to him that they both needed to agree before she ever gave birth." - dangerspring
"He was talking to her and offering names for six months of her pregnancy, all of which she vetoed without offering alternatives, and then at the very last minute chose her grandmother's name without his agreement?"
"This whole situation feels like she knew the whole time she was going to pick her grandmother's name, but she didn't want to give him the chance to disagree with it, so she waited until it was going to be too late and then threatened him to get her way." - Late-Jat-9144
Others understood why the OP was upset but hoped he would have a conversation with her before ending things.
"You’re right to feel hurt. She broke your agreement and pressured you, which damaged your trust. But ending a five-year relationship without one honest, calm conversation might turn something fixable into a permanent split."
"It’s more balanced to tell her clearly how it affected you, see if she takes responsibility and is willing to rebuild trust, and then decide. If she can’t or won’t, then separating and co-parenting is reasonable... but deciding now (without trying to repair things) may be coming more from hurt than a fully thought-out conclusion."
"Talk to her. I hope this helps, OP." - Global-Pop-5601
"You are valid in your feelings, and if it was that serious for you, then that’s fine."
"But you definitely need to at least try to have an honest and open conversation about this before you break it off to try and work it out with her, as she deserves at least a chance to make it right, as she most likely was not thinking clearly at all in the moment."
"But also, you owe it to your daughter to at least try to give her a stable home with both of her parents."
"If she stands by what she did 100% and doesn’t see your side at all, then you know to just go ahead like you're planning, but maybe she will understand and work with you."
"Best of luck, man. I’ve been with my lady for 12 years now, and there have been probably two points I was feeling kinda the same, but I gave her the chance and told her what I needed, and we were able to work it out and just recently got engaged last June." - UTtoPRT
"OP's gotta realize it's not about him anymore. Leave her if you want, but the readiness to just dip out so quickly and talk about paternity leave like it's your escape plan makes it seem like she's the one dodging a bullet here." - 0fluffhead0
"Conditional NOR. If you lost feelings, you lost feelings. But this is the mother of your child. Maybe try couples counseling before leaving."
"But you would be wrong if you used your paternity leave to leave her only a few months postpartum. I feel like you should have already used it to support your family right after she gave birth. Maybe if you had, you would be more of a team rather than being at odds with one another. Use your time to be a parent." - cruddypoet00
"I don’t know. Women who have just given birth and are besieged with paperwork, postpartum hormone bombs, and plain ol’ exhaustion aren’t really known for their thought-out plots and manipulation. They’re better known for needing to wear diapers and leaking milk."
"I’m saying YOR if you haven’t spoken to her about any of it at all. I see no indication that OP has even attempted to talk about how terrible it’s made him feel." - deepstatelady
One Redditor offered a measured response, trying to consider all of the information they had available to them.
"Let’s reframe this a different way."
"Firstly, did your partner mess up, yes absolutely."
"Had she just gone through labour, contractions, the accumulation of nine months of pregnancy and high on pain meds, also yes."
"Does this excuse the mess up? Kind of yes, but even if you don't agree, it is a d**n good and forgivable explanation."
"Your solution, 'I’m hurt, I’m leaving, I’m not going to tell her or anyone why because they might be annoyed at me. No solution is good enough. After watching my partner do all this, see my child come in to the world, admit my partner was out of character and high, I can no longer love her because she chose a family name I don't like.'"
"You also wish to use your parental leave to slip out into the night. The time your employer is paying you to be at home with your child, you want to leave your partner holding your child, asking why you are leaving, and you just shrug and walk out fully paid."
"You want to be a good parent and think you will then co-parent 50/50. I’m sure you think and expect that after walking out on your partner postpartum, without explanation, whatever she has done, she is going to greet you with a smile, ready to discuss co-parenting with you."
"And to be clear, she doesn’t know she messed up because you haven’t told her."
"And you, as someone who cannot even communicate why you are leaving to her, for doing something that you yourself has said was out of character whilst post labour, believe you can communicate effectively in order to co-parent. And she and everyone are just going to be fine with that."
"You DO also realise that children grow up?. And they like to question things, like why mummy and daddy are not together? One day, she might ask mum, but she doesn’t know; she will just say you walked out, and so she goes to you."
"I expect you will communicate with her not dissimilar to your partner and tell her ‘I’m not saying’ and you expect, because you are her father, to be okay with that (and by the way, she won’t be) or you will lie, or you look your daughter in the face and say, 'I used my parental leave to walk out on your mum because your mum picked a name I didn't want and felt betrayed.'"
"All your daughter will hear is 'dad doesn't like my name'. Is that your fault, no; again, your partner messed up. But here's the thing, without communicating it to your partner, there is no opportunity for mum to take some responsibility, offer solutions, and then it is because of your actions that your kid has to find out that way."
"You are living in a fantasy avoidance world. This is not going to go how you think."
"Lastly, you seem to be offended at the idea that your child might not have your last name or her saying she might choose hers? What if she hated your last name? Would you still expect your child to have it? Or are names only out if you don't like them? You still have 50% of you childs name, but you expect 75%." - staticspuds
While the subReddit could all understand why the OP was upset about not being involved in this decision, they were much more divided over what to do about it.
There were some who believed that this was a sign of a much bigger problem in the relationship, suggesting that the girlfriend was controlling or did not hold an ounce of appreciation for her partner.
But most believed that she either wanted to avoid a tough conversation while pregnant or that all of the dealings of being pregnant had impacted her decision, leading her to go about this in a way that she may have not while not pregnant.
Either way, it sounded like the OP needed to have a conversation he didn't really want to have before making any final decisions.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp