One of the first joys that a person will have on their journey to parenthood is choosing the name they will give their baby.
Sometimes, parents go back and forth for months, exchanging ideas before they find one that feels right for their child. It's absolutely something that should come to an agreement about, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor throwRA_Tonight401 had been with his girlfriend for the past five years and welcomed his first child with his girlfriend into the world six months ago.
But despite their shared history, the Original Poster (OP) was strongly considering leaving his girlfriend, because she selected a first name for their baby without him.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for breaking up with my girlfriend and just coparenting with her after she named our daughter without me?"
The OP and his girlfriend made an agreement about how to name their future daughter.
"I (28 Male) and my girlfriend (27 Female) have been together for five years. We had our daughter six months ago. I need to know if I’m overreacting."
"When we found out she was pregnant, we made a mutual and clear agreement, no baby names unless we both like it. We both said it out loud multiple times."
"That was the deal; I kept giving her names all throughout the pregnancy. She didn’t like any of them. Every time, she’d say, 'It doesn’t fit our daughter.' That was it. No other reason. I’d ask what would fit, and she’d say she didn’t know yet."
The OP's girlfriend ended up breaking their baby-naming agreement.
"Our daughter was born six months ago. In the hospital, a few hours after birth, while my girlfriend was filling out the birth certificate paperwork and still on pain meds, she wrote down her grandmother’s name."
"I told her I didn’t like it. It sounds old, like Mable, Eleanor, or Mildred."
"She said if I vetoed it, then she wouldn’t give our daughter my last name. She didn’t want to argue right after giving birth, so she just said that and kept filling it out."
"I didn’t want to make a scene in the hospital with nurses there and coerce her, because then I’d be a hypocrite. So I signed."
The OP couldn't look at his girlfriend the same way after that.
"I lost a lot of romantic feelings after that."
"I lost faith in her because she violated our agreement and basically threatened me into agreeing."
"I’d already bought a ring last year because I decided I wanted to marry her while she was pregnant. The plan was to propose in January, for our anniversary, our daughter was already born by then."
"After the hospital, I couldn’t see myself proposing. I don’t see a future anymore."
The OP was debating what his next steps would be.
"Now we’re both back at work. I still have six weeks of paternity leave I haven’t used, and I can use leave for six more months before it expires. I’m thinking of using that time to move out, and then we just coparent."
"I’ll be there for my daughter 100%, but I don’t trust my girlfriend anymore, and I don’t respect her as I once did."
"Before this, I would have communicated any problem with her. Now I know I can’t, and I don’t even want to tell her the real reason for the breakup, because she’ll play victim to our families and try to use them to get back with me. It’ll just cause more problems."
"So would I be overreacting if I just broke up with her, and we coparent?"
"I feel like I’m not overreacting because she lied about me having a say and coerced me when I couldn’t really fight back."
"But it’s been six months, and part of me wonders if I’m holding onto this too hard for the sake of our daughter."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some had a very negative perspective on the turn this relationship had taken.
"Her whole plan is for him to just give in, give up, and then she wins and gets what she wants."
"I would never be able to let that go even if I genuinely tried." - LostBoysTillDeath
"Sorry, but 'agree or baby isn’t getting your last name' is straight up manipulation." - Dabbles-In-Irony
"There isn't really any 'making it right' in this situation, and he's already said he fears that if he tells her the real reason for the breakup, she'll play victim to their families and use them to try to force him to stay with her. So if he brings it up and it doesn't go well and then he wants to coparent instead, he might've backed himself into a corner." - insnowmotion
"She knew what she was going to name the child before then. That's why she kept rejecting names. And she knew he'd hate it. That's why she didn't tell him. She also lied to him that they both needed to agree before she ever gave birth." - dangerspring
"He was talking to her and offering names for six months of her pregnancy, all of which she vetoed without offering alternatives, and then at the very last minute chose her grandmother's name without his agreement?"
"This whole situation feels like she knew the whole time she was going to pick her grandmother's name, but she didn't want to give him the chance to disagree with it, so she waited until it was going to be too late and then threatened him to get her way." - Late-Jat-9144
Others understood why the OP was upset but hoped he would have a conversation with her before ending things.
"You’re right to feel hurt. She broke your agreement and pressured you, which damaged your trust. But ending a five-year relationship without one honest, calm conversation might turn something fixable into a permanent split."
"It’s more balanced to tell her clearly how it affected you, see if she takes responsibility and is willing to rebuild trust, and then decide. If she can’t or won’t, then separating and co-parenting is reasonable... but deciding now (without trying to repair things) may be coming more from hurt than a fully thought-out conclusion."
"Talk to her. I hope this helps, OP." - Global-Pop-5601
"You are valid in your feelings, and if it was that serious for you, then that’s fine."
"But you definitely need to at least try to have an honest and open conversation about this before you break it off to try and work it out with her, as she deserves at least a chance to make it right, as she most likely was not thinking clearly at all in the moment."
"But also, you owe it to your daughter to at least try to give her a stable home with both of her parents."
"If she stands by what she did 100% and doesn’t see your side at all, then you know to just go ahead like you're planning, but maybe she will understand and work with you."
"Best of luck, man. I’ve been with my lady for 12 years now, and there have been probably two points I was feeling kinda the same, but I gave her the chance and told her what I needed, and we were able to work it out and just recently got engaged last June." - UTtoPRT
"OP's gotta realize it's not about him anymore. Leave her if you want, but the readiness to just dip out so quickly and talk about paternity leave like it's your escape plan makes it seem like she's the one dodging a bullet here." - 0fluffhead0
"Conditional NOR. If you lost feelings, you lost feelings. But this is the mother of your child. Maybe try couples counseling before leaving."
"But you would be wrong if you used your paternity leave to leave her only a few months postpartum. I feel like you should have already used it to support your family right after she gave birth. Maybe if you had, you would be more of a team rather than being at odds with one another. Use your time to be a parent." - cruddypoet00
"I don’t know. Women who have just given birth and are besieged with paperwork, postpartum hormone bombs, and plain ol’ exhaustion aren’t really known for their thought-out plots and manipulation. They’re better known for needing to wear diapers and leaking milk."
"I’m saying YOR if you haven’t spoken to her about any of it at all. I see no indication that OP has even attempted to talk about how terrible it’s made him feel." - deepstatelady
One Redditor offered a measured response, trying to consider all of the information they had available to them.
"Let’s reframe this a different way."
"Firstly, did your partner mess up, yes absolutely."
"Had she just gone through labour, contractions, the accumulation of nine months of pregnancy and high on pain meds, also yes."
"Does this excuse the mess up? Kind of yes, but even if you don't agree, it is a d**n good and forgivable explanation."
"Your solution, 'I’m hurt, I’m leaving, I’m not going to tell her or anyone why because they might be annoyed at me. No solution is good enough. After watching my partner do all this, see my child come in to the world, admit my partner was out of character and high, I can no longer love her because she chose a family name I don't like.'"
"You also wish to use your parental leave to slip out into the night. The time your employer is paying you to be at home with your child, you want to leave your partner holding your child, asking why you are leaving, and you just shrug and walk out fully paid."
"You want to be a good parent and think you will then co-parent 50/50. I’m sure you think and expect that after walking out on your partner postpartum, without explanation, whatever she has done, she is going to greet you with a smile, ready to discuss co-parenting with you."
"And to be clear, she doesn’t know she messed up because you haven’t told her."
"And you, as someone who cannot even communicate why you are leaving to her, for doing something that you yourself has said was out of character whilst post labour, believe you can communicate effectively in order to co-parent. And she and everyone are just going to be fine with that."
"You DO also realise that children grow up?. And they like to question things, like why mummy and daddy are not together? One day, she might ask mum, but she doesn’t know; she will just say you walked out, and so she goes to you."
"I expect you will communicate with her not dissimilar to your partner and tell her ‘I’m not saying’ and you expect, because you are her father, to be okay with that (and by the way, she won’t be) or you will lie, or you look your daughter in the face and say, 'I used my parental leave to walk out on your mum because your mum picked a name I didn't want and felt betrayed.'"
"All your daughter will hear is 'dad doesn't like my name'. Is that your fault, no; again, your partner messed up. But here's the thing, without communicating it to your partner, there is no opportunity for mum to take some responsibility, offer solutions, and then it is because of your actions that your kid has to find out that way."
"You are living in a fantasy avoidance world. This is not going to go how you think."
"Lastly, you seem to be offended at the idea that your child might not have your last name or her saying she might choose hers? What if she hated your last name? Would you still expect your child to have it? Or are names only out if you don't like them? You still have 50% of you childs name, but you expect 75%." - staticspuds
While the subReddit could all understand why the OP was upset about not being involved in this decision, they were much more divided over what to do about it.
There were some who believed that this was a sign of a much bigger problem in the relationship, suggesting that the girlfriend was controlling or did not hold an ounce of appreciation for her partner.
But most believed that she either wanted to avoid a tough conversation while pregnant or that all of the dealings of being pregnant had impacted her decision, leading her to go about this in a way that she may have not while not pregnant.
Either way, it sounded like the OP needed to have a conversation he didn't really want to have before making any final decisions.
