Family extends beyond blood relations. Those we consider family might not necessarily be those we're related to, but rather those we can trust.
A sad number of people might even trust their chosen family more than their blood relations.
Redditor Ok-Income9731 had a somewhat fraught relationship with her sister.
Eventually leading her to more or less cut off contact with her, despite the original poster (OP)'s mother's attempts to reconnect them.
However, when the OP's mother shared information with the OP's sister that she never wanted to reach her ears, it was her relationship with her mother that may have been permanently impacted.
Concerned she may have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTAH for changing my baby's name after my mom secretly told my sister I was pregnant?"
The OP explained why she found her perception of her mother possibly forever changed:
"I (39 F[emale]) have always had a difficult relationship with my parents."
"A lot of it comes from how they handled my older sister (44 F), who was verbally and physically abusive to me growing up."
"They never protected me from her, and she was always very clearly the golden child."
"Even as adults, the pattern has continued."
"For example, my mom left to visit her when I was making a special trip to see them, even though I was driving 15 hours."
"Over the last 10 years, I have tried to rebuild my relationship with them, partly because my husband has a healthy family and encouraged me to."
"Things seemed to be getting better with a lot of effort from me and some from them."
"Now I'm pregnant after struggling with infertility for a long time."
"Early on, I was very private about the pregnancy because I was afraid of miscarriage."
"I was especially clear that I did not want my sister to know, because she has used vulnerable things against me before and has been cruel about my infertility in the past."
"When I first told my parents, I told them not to tell anyone."
"Later, when I was more comfortable sharing, I told them they could tell others, but not my sister."
"I repeated this boundary at least three separate times, and I have text messages documenting it."
"Both of them agreed."
"I recently found out that my mom told my sister anyway, and apparently did so right away."
"Then she lied about it for around three months."
"She only admitted it after I explained how much it meant to me that my sister not be included in my pregnancy information."
"This really hurt me, not just because of the pregnancy itself, but because it feels like the same old pattern of my sister's feelings mattering more than mine."
"Since this incentive, I've gone LC with my mom."
"Before this happened, I naively planned to give my baby my mother's first name as her middle name."
"For me, it was a testament to our growing relationship, and I honestly thought we turned over a new leaf, especially with the baby coming."
"I had even already shared the plan for the baby's full name with our whole family (both sides)."
"Now I don't want to do that anymore."
"Every time I think of using her name, I feel upset instead of happy."
"So WIBTAH for changing the middle name?"
"My mom will absolutely be hurt, and there will probably be tears and drama."
"Part of me feels guilty because I know this will look retaliatory, especially since I had already announced the name."
"But another part of me feels like honoring someone in my child's name should mean something, and right now I don't feel like honoring her."
"...if you have any ideas for minimizing the fallout of doing this, I would greatly appreciate it."
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was justified in wanting to change her baby's name after her mother broke her trust.
Just about everyone agreed that if the OP's mother has never once shown any concern towards her feelings, that she needn't concern herself about her mother's:
"No need to minimize the fallout."
"Use another middle name."
"Your mother does not deserve the honor."
"All the best for you!"- NixKlappt-Reddit
"'Over the last 10 years, I have tried to rebuild my relationship with them'."
"Stop."
"Stop doing that."
"Doesn't matter what your husband encourages you to do."
"He doesn't know, because he was from a stable family."
"Stop putting in all this effort and getting almost nothing back."
"Surround yourself with people who do care: friends/colleagues/neighbors or perhaps even people you meet at pregnancy gym."
"Stop having these expectations from your family."
"NTA if you change the name."
"Don't let them argue with you about it."
"Call less."
"Visit less."
"Stop updating your mom."
"You minimize the fallout by not being available to let them argue with you."
"So don't pick up the phone."
"If they text, be slow to reply etc."- Trailsya
"Why are you so concerned that what you do might hurt her, when your mother has never had the same concern with you, her daughter?"
"Put your well-being before hers for once."
"Don't use your daughter to earn approval from your mum, now or ever."- Discombobulatedslug
"'My mom will absolutely be hurt'- which she richly deserves under the principle of FAFO."
"If I were in your position, I would go no contact whatsoever and keep these vile people out of your child's life for keeps."- PurpleEmotional1401
"NTA."
"Change the name, cut contact with your sister, go no or low contact with your mother."
"They don't respect you, and this will probably continue with your child."
"Protect your future kid and yourself from the stress they cause you."
"Good luck!"- MinkyMoth
"NTA at all."
"And it wouldn't be retaliatory."
"Actions have consequences, and parents aren't immune."- Pastaaaaaaaaaaaaa1
"NTA and honestly I'd just go nc at this point, she has literally proved that she will go as far as sacrificing your child themselves just to enable your sister."
"She literally cannot be trusted at all!"
"Stand your ground and good luck, OP."- Silvermorney
"Your sister can name her baby after your mother."
"And if your mother asks, just tell her it was her behavior that changed your mind."
"If she says you're being petty, remind her of everything."
"And tell her she doesn't deserve to have your child named after her, but that honor goes to your sister and she can name hers after your mother."
"Since you were an afterthought, regardless."
"Also, be prepared to go no contact."
"NTA!"
"She ditched you to go see your sister, regardless, why on earth would you even?"- psykorean5
"My gosh, you really need to stop this BS of trying so hard to have a relationship with your mother when it has caused nothing but pain."
"You are almost 40."
"When are you going to realize that your family dynamics are not going to change?"
"Giving your child your mother's name is another way you are trying to somehow justify that there is a relationship there."
"From what you wrote, there is not."
"She does not respect you."
"And here you are 'trying to minimize the fallout'?"
"Do not give your daughter your mother's name."
"Go LC."
"Start living for yourself and not this constant beating yourself up thinking you can change things."
"BTW - big time congratulations!"- Not_the_maid
"You are trying to buy your mother's affection with this name."
"It isn't going to work; she will continue to hurt you."
"NTA."- Monday0987
"NTA and don't let them treat your child the way they treated you....because you know they will."-MechanaGoddess
"You're not a child who still needs mommy's approval."
"You WANT your mother's approval, but that's different from needing it.'
"She continues to exercise control over you -- as she has for 39 years -- by making her love unpredictable and conditional."
"No way in hell does your baby deserve your mother's name as her middle name."
"I wonder if you even plan to send them a birth announcement."- National_Cover_3655
"Honey, your husband is the AH for thinking because he grew up with a good family that you could manifest one with sheer willpower."
"That is not how it works."
"He royally sucks for pushing you to set yourself up for disaster."
"People who have never lived in abuse and neglect can't understand it."
"They need to listen to and respect those who have."
"Your parents enabled your abuse and therefore were a party to it."
"You were neglected by them."
"They don't care about your feelings."
"They do not respect you as a person."
"They are liars and manipulators."
"They are not a positive to your life."
"Quit trying to make them be something they are not capable of being."
"Drop the rope, drop contact, and get yourself into therapy."
"You have to heal yourself so you can be the mom your baby deserves and live the life you deserve."
"If your husband can't respect that, that is a big issue to address in couples therapy."
"Do not promote bad parents who are neglectful and a party to abuse to grandparents."
"Cut contact and change the name."
"You are not their doormat."
"You are not her punching bag."
"You are a person worthy of love and respect."
"You are soon to be a mommy."
"Take care of yourself."- Dachshundmom5
A parent's one and only responsibility is to love their children.
While it's understandable that the OP's mother clearly wishes she and her sister got along better than they do, her methods will in no way improve their relationship.
If anything, her behavior only further displays how much she prioritizes the OP's older sister.
Costing the OP's mother a commemoration all grandparents dream of...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp