Content Warning: Domestic Abuse, Enablers, Perpetuating Abuse
Many families have traditions that go back generations for naming their children, especially when it involves passing a name down from father to son.
But when a name becomes a reminder of abuse, it's important to know that traditions can be broken, as reassured by the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor mary_24marvin was no longer with her abusive ex and was looking forward to having her first child as a single woman, raising a child by another man.
When her mother kept insinuating that the child must be her abusive ex's, and that she should maintain the tradition of naming sons after their fathers, the Original Poster (OP) refused to entertain the suggestion or the reminder of what she'd been through.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for refusing to name my child after my abusive ex-husband?"
The OP stayed with her mother after getting out of a toxic relationship and also getting pregnant.
"I (25 Female) used to be in an abusive relationship. Luckily, I got out safely through a divorce. I used to struggle mentally because of that, but I’ve since gotten better."
"My mother is very aware of what happened, even though she found out after the abuse."
"A few months ago, since my pregnancy, my mother really helped me out. I stayed with her till I found a new place, and even then, she was still there for me."
"And after finding out it’s going to be a boy, we were both really happy."
When it was time to start thinking about a name for the baby, the OP's mother reminded her of their family's tradition.
"At some point, we started talking about potential baby names, and in our family, it is often seen as very good to name your first-born son after their father."
"But that never came into question for me, not even when I was married, and I thought my mother wasn’t really part of that tradition, because she only had daughters, none of them named remotely after their father."
"Then my mother suggested naming my child Will or Willy. My Ex’s name is William."
"At first, I thought she was joking or forgot what my Ex’s name was, or that they are very similar or more like abbreviations. Of course, I told her that wasn’t an option because of the similarity, but it seemed like she knew but still suggested it."
"She started pushing me, telling me that the similarity isn’t important, and that the names are very beautiful, and she really likes them."
"At some point, I really thought maybe she really liked the name and somehow saw it as an option. But one evening we talked about my Ex, and she called him Willy without realizing it, and then I realized she used to call him Willy all the time."
The OP was furious with her mother for continuing to suggest the name.
"Of course, I got really angry and confronted her, because in what world do you name your child after your abuser?"
"In my eyes, she doesn’t take what I went through seriously if his name even was an option for her."
"What makes it even weirder is I told her he isn’t the father, so why would you choose that name?"
"But I knew she didn’t believe me. I didn’t answer her calls and didn’t reply to her message, but I got a lot of messages from other family members the same family members that didn’t message me when I was going through h**l."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that no one but her should have any say in what name she gave her baby.
"So your mother loves your ex so much she wants to name another man's child by your ex? Luckily, it's your child, and you can name them as you see fit! NTA. This shouldn't even be up for discussion." - Thegoddessdevine
"NTA. Your mother gets no say in what you name your child."
"If YOU care about tradition, you can name the child after the child's actual biological dad, or a beloved male relative, or use your maiden surname (if it is something like Mitchell, Carter, Emerson, Jordan, Anthony, or Hunter (and so on) that also works nicely as a first name and won't constantly be mispronounced or misspelled), or look at a genealogy website and see if there is an even more distant relative with a male first name or female maiden name that YOU like."
"It is 100% your choice. You do not HAVE to pick a 'traditional' name at all."
"Your mother maintaining ties with your abusive ex while having the absolute gall to try to get you to name your baby after him would be enough for me to bar her from getting any more pregnancy/baby updates and from the maternity ward."
"I hope your baby will be happy and healthy and that your delivery will be easy and uncomplicated." - I_love_Britpoptarts
"NTA. You wouldn't be the a**hole for not taking someone's name suggestion even if there wasn't the context of the abusive relationship, but that makes it even more clear-cut."
"Your baby, your decision. You pick the name."
"You should definitely examine your mother's behavior, though, and consider whether she's someone you want to keep in your and your BABY's lives." - Old_Needleworker_207
"NTA... Luckily, you are the one who gets to name your son."
"Keep your mom far away from that paperwork and make sure the nurses when you deliver know she isn't allowed to make changes or decide anything." - CSILalaAnn
"Why are you allowing your mother any input into your baby's name?!"
"Tell her, 'Sorry, Mom, but I will be choosing my baby's name, and your input is neither needed nor wanted.'"
"And you need to really seriously consider how much contact and influence you want a person who excuses abuse to have with your child."
"NTA." - cat-lover76
"NTA! But your mom sure is."
"I have a relative that was in a similar situation. She was still trapped in the relationship when the baby was born and was pressured into naming the baby after the abuser. She finally left, but it is a constant reminder."
"Her abuser used to go by the nickname 'Bill,' but after she left, he started going by 'William,' because that is the name her son only goes by, and that jerk wanted to have 'a reminder of his son he misses so much.' He even got emails and social media pages made and made sure to have everyone stop calling him Bill and call him William."
"For your peace of mind, pick a name with no possible resemblance to your ex's name, and DON'T TELL ANYONE. Let everyone who mentions Willy know that it will never be his name/nickname, and if they do try to call him that, you will cut contact."
"Also make sure no one can access the name submission paperwork. People have changed the name that way, and then you have to legally change it. Make sure to return anything that comes with that name if it goes that far."
"When you speak with your mom, shut down any talk of that name as soon as it starts. Leave if you have to; let her know you will limit contact if she continues to ignore your boundary. Good luck." - rawanspride
Others agreed and urged the OP to reconsider how much contact she had with her mother, if any at all.
"Your mother should have zero say in what you name your child."
"Also, your mother is not your person. She is not in your corner. Please be careful. NTA." - boundaries4546
"NTA. Please don't let your mother have anything to do with your child. She showed great disrespect by wanting you to name him after your abuser."
"H**l no. If you let her in his life, she will always be calling him Willy. Block her and block those family members trying to manipulate you." - winterworld561
"NTA. Once you can get out of living with her, go VLC (Very Low Contact)."
"She's being cruel and extremely offensive. Never, never, never do you name someone the same name as a 'known to you' abuser... Especially the one who abused you."
"Is she upset you divorced? Wishes you had stayed with an abuser? Wants you back together? Is she in communication with your ex?"
"Ask her what her obsession with your ex is. There is zero justification for her opinion. And it is just that. Same with others who are pushing you."
"I'd stop talking to those people, and I wouldn't send photos, information, or an announcement to those people. I wouldn't even let them know that I've gone into labor."
"Unfriend (if on FB), and if you choose to announce it on FB, you can change your privacy settings for any post (there is a way to do 'friends but not Debbie, Brad, Trish, Beth, or Kevin'; I recommend you use that if you can't block just yet)." - Kimbaaaaly
"NTA. She is trying to muddy the waters of the paternity of your child. She probably cooked up this hair-brained plan with him and has been secretly on his side for years; any family or friends contacting you have probably been swayed to their side."
"Go low or no contact with those supporting this crazy nonsense." - GoodWin7889
"NTA. May I make a suggestion (as I too had an abusive ex who my mother sided with) that when you are ready, write your mother a letter (or text or email). (I suggest putting it in writing; this way she can't twist it or interrupt while you're speaking.)"
"Tell her that she hurt you by choosing to side with the man who chose to hurt you. Tell her that your son will not have his name, and because she is choosing your ex, you need to step back from this relationship, and she will NOT be meeting your son until YOU choose. Tell her that she is blocked everywhere, as is the family that is siding with the abuser."
"Then ask her what kind of crap mother and human chooses the person who intentionally hurt her daughter over her daughter."
"I'm sorry, OP. You and your baby deserve better." - Life-Wealth-3399
"How much do you trust your mother? Worst case scenario: she's in cahoots with your ex and is low-key trying to get you back with him because she thinks he's the baby's father."
"Second-worst case scenario: she thinks your ex is the baby's sperm donor, and is going to 'help' him get custody after birth."
"Best case scenario: your mum is a 'pick me' (with a lot of internalized misogyny thrown in) and thinks your ex is just the bee's knees! She's going to save his 'family' and prove what an excellent mother she is, to him."
"Yeah, I can't spin this in any direction that makes your mum look good here."
"Can you get your baby daddy to help? If not, you might be on your own. It sucks, and it's hard, but thousands of women do it, and you can, too."
"Obviously NTA." - Asteroid_Sugar5206
The subReddit was disgusted on the OP's behalf that she was being pushed to use a name that reminded her of a dark past.
They became so concerned that many questioned whether the OP should maintain a relationship with her mother, especially when it came to making decisions about the baby.
If given any access, this seemed like the kind of mother who would make decisions for her grandchild that the OP really did not like.
