Most of us are taught to speak respectfully of the dead.
Depending on the individual, however, this might be challenging.
As some people did not leave a particularly happy legacy behind them when they left this earth.
Most of the time, this is not a secret, though on some occasions, their poor behavior on earth comes as a shocking discovery to others.
Redditor honorthecrones recently went on a cruise with her sister.
While at dinner, the original poster (OP) disclosed some less than flattering information on a deceased family member.
Information the OP's sister did not appreciate her sister sharing.
Wondering if she stepped out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for not preserving the family image?"
The OP explained why her sister accused her of making their recent cruise "awkward":
"I’m (71 F[emale]) on a cruise with my sister (66 F[emale])."
"We were having dinner and drinks in a dining room with several other people."
"Conversation moved to our childhood."
"I mentioned, in response to a question that I didn’t learn to drive until I was in my 20s, because my father didn’t believe women should drive."
"Someone expressed surprise and I elaborated that he was very conservative and had strong opinions on the role of women in society and especially in our family."
"I added that I got my driver’s license 2 weeks after he died."
"My sister is now shaming me for outing a family secret."
"That since he’s dead, there is no reason to bring up our 'embarrassing past' among strangers."
"Our father was an arrogant, misogynistic, violent drunk."
"I wasn’t sharing childhood trauma stories but simply, participating in the conversation."
"She’s convinced that I’ve now 'made it awkward' for her going forward with the rest of the cruise."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community agreed that the OP did nothing wrong by exposing her late father's misogyny.
Everyone agreed that the OP's father was not immune from facing consequences despite being no longer alive, nor was the OP tarnishing anyone's reputation, as the people the OP was talking to had no idea who he was:
"If he didn't want bad things said about him, he shouldn't have done those things."- Secret-Papaya5344
"NTA."
"Family secrets is how abuse is hidden and perpetuated."- Eckieflump
"A lifetime has passed since the driving issue happened."
"Most people realize that times change and there's no need for embarrassment over something that occurred 50+ years ago."
"NTA Your sister is being overly sensitive."- BlueSkyMourning
"NTA."
"Respectfully, nobody cares except your sister."
"Your dad passed 50 years ago and you were talking to strangers."
"There is no scandal here."
"A 40-50 year old man in the 1960's/70's having sexist beliefs is not a surprise."- Buck_98
"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."
"Women need to be reminded that we are not even 100 years into being taken seriously as independent human beings with rights separate and apart from our fathers and/or husbands."
"NTA."- Lazy-Instruction-600
"Remind your sister that you are 71 and she is 66, he died a long time ago, and things have changed since then."
"You have grown up and no longer have to live by your father's outdated and stupid opinions, and if it bothers her NOW, then she can eat somewhere else."
"Women need to start stepping up no matter the age and voice their right to speak their minds; you have 71 years of experience, and your sister needs to grow up and understand your father was an ass and doesn’t deserve her or anyone else’s respect."
"Let them know the POS he was and hold your chin high!"- cricklemethis
"NTA."
"First, you told your truth."
"Your sister was not complaining that you lied."
"Second, your sister does not have the right to demand that you censor yourself because of how she thinks it might make people think about her."
"Tell her to get over herself."- Freyjas_child
"It's YOUR story."
"You chose when and where you tell your story."
"Let's stop sacrificing ourselves to protect the reputations of abusive men."- Enraged-Elk2284
"NTA."
"A**hole parents should be remembered as such."- sapperbloggs
"'My sister is now shaming me for outing a family secret'."
"NTA."
"She is."
"Why is your sister upset that you said this?"
"Did she have a different/better relationship with your dad?"
"This is along the lines of, but not nearly as bad as, when a child says during a family gathering that Uncle Jim touched her inappropriately and the child's mother gets upset at the child for disturbing the peace rather than getting enraged at the Uncle."
"It tells you everything you need to know about these kinds of people."- SANcapITY
"The family image that your dad was no different from 80% of the rest of his generation regarding women’s roles?"
"Your sister is insane."
"NTA."- Ok_Mousse_6218
"Your sister could do with therapy to unpack that reaction."- Dry-Huckleberry-5379
"NTA at your age; I am sure it was more common than most people think for women not to drive in certain areas of the country."
"You didn't shame anything, just spoke a simple truth."- IntroductionQuiet755
"A bit confused why at 71 you ask strangers if you're the a**hole, but it's your sister so I kinda get it."
"You're definitely NTA, especially because he is dead. Because he isn't here to be embarrassed or have hua reputation tainted, why keep a secret?"
"And frankly, even if he was alive, in this age these kinds of views are something people should be embarrassed about."-Cr4ckshooter
"Your sister has an overinflated ego and an outdated mind."
"NTA."- desertboots
"NTAH."
"Tell your sister you're not wearing her rose-colored glasses regarding your father."
"You can talk about whatever you want."
"You're an adult, and your dad was an a**hole."
"Those are the facts."- Shoesietart
"I just wouldn’t even entertain a conversation about it with her; it’s such a non-issue."
"She just wants to stir sh*t up"- Chaotic_Natbot
"How in the heck is this a family secret?"
"'Things were different 50 years ago" is no secret. Neither is 'our family members share the same kind of flaws as other people;."
"Imperfection, past, present or future is no secret."
"Nor shameful."
"NTA."- fuzzy_mic
"NTA."
"It's your history and so your right to share it if you wish."
"I'm surprised your sister thinks strangers care enough to worry about it."
"They're just exchanging small talk out of politeness."- BG3restart
"NTA."
"Nothing you said was scandalous."
"It was quite normal."- metatus
"NTA, you told your past, you aren't responsible for your sister's feelings about that."- Sparklingwine23
"NTA."
"It sounds interesting, and a nice story about how you knew your worth and rights even when told you were 'less than'."
"Not sure why this particular story about getting your license it has anything to do with your sister?"- OldConfusion825
"NTA."
"Hell, with the current rise in popularity of the ‘tradwife’ and the far right pervading every corner of society it can, openly sharing what it was like for you growing up may well be a helpful reminder that we are not far removed at all from a time in which women could not have a bank account or own property, and worker’s rights differed on the basis of sex."
"Not to mention that where we are today is the best it’s ever been, and that many of the women who saw the changes happen in real time are still alive and watching as their erasure is being advocated for."- b00kbat
"Tell your sister you're an adult and can say what you want, plus at this point no one cares what your dad did, said or was."
"Sis can $TFU and from now on, vacation separately."
"NTA."- warriorwoman534
"It's not even yours or your sister's embarrassing past."
"It's solely your dad's embarrassment and deserves to be ridiculed."
"NTA."- Idcwhoknows
"If people don't want to be spoken badly of, they shouldn't be a**holes when alive."- Feycat
"No."
"Just apologize."
"Tell her you didn't realize she was sensitive to these issues."
"If the rest of the cruise is awkward for herr, she will be the one making it so."
"Seriously, does she really think that the people you talked to are going to be obsessed the rest of the cruise by locating her to point fingers and embarass her?"
"GEESH!"- Puzzled-Award-2236
It would be wrong if the OP was spreading false information about her father, no matter the people she was spreading it to.
However, that doesn't seem to be the case, as the OP was simply sharing factual stories from an unhappy childhood.
While it's understandable to be inclined to respect and honor her dead father, it's a bit surprising that the OP's sister isn't more interested in helping her still-living sister through the years of pain she suffered.
