Expanding families after divorce can be very complicated.
It can be especially difficult for children of divorce.
Melding an old family and a new family can be a delicate situation.
But some parents just like to drop bombs.
Redditor phoenixpanda101 found themselves in a dilemma regarding their Dad's new family dynamic and how he announced it, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
"AITAH for blowing up at my dad for tricking me and my brother into meeting his 'side' family?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My parents divorced when I was very young."
"When I was 5, my dad moved back to his home country and left my mom, brother, and me behind."
"He paid minimal child support, and I only saw him every few years when he came back on business trips."
"When I was 16, my dad told my brother and me that he was moving back to our country."
"He was excited and bought us plane tickets to come visit him."
"He talked about how we'd finally be able to spend more time together now that we lived in the same country."
"My brother and I were thrilled."
"It was my first time flying, and I hadn't seen my dad in years."
"After we landed and met him, he took us to a cafe and dropped a bombshell: while living abroad, he had remarried and had another child."
"He had never told us any of this before."
"Not only that, he had already brought them to our country and planned a vacation with all of us together."
"Basically, he got us to fly across the country under false pretenses and expected us to immediately meet and bond with a family we didn't even know existed."
"At the time, I stayed calm because I felt trapped and didn't want to ruin the trip."
"His wife and son were perfectly nice, and they had known about my brother and me the whole time."
"Still, after the trip, I realized how unfair and manipulative the situation had been."
"If he wanted us to meet them, he should have told us years earlier, not surprised us after we'd already arrived."
"Fast forward about 10 years."
"I was talking with my dad when he said something like, 'I was so smart with how I got you guys (me and my brother and his new family) to meet. I'm a genius.'"
"That comment made me snap."
"I told him what he did wasn't smart; it was selfish and disrespectful."
"I said he never considered how my brother and I would feel and that lying to us to force a meeting was a terrible way to handle it."
"My dad got angry and said he was only joking and that I took it too far."
"Personally, I think even if it was a joke, it was in terrible taste."
"I also suspect he only claimed it was a joke after I called him out."
"We never really resolved the argument."
"A friend recently told me they could see my dad's side, which surprised me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Was I the a**hole for blowing up at my dad for this, or was it justified?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA. What he did was dishonest and manipulative, and you can tell that he knows how manipulative it was by the manner in which he's bragging about it." ~ SamJSchoenberg
"NTA. Your father is not joking, and he's really proud of scamming you and your brother."
"He deserved to hear what his manipulation made you feel." ~ IceSeeker
"NTA. Not only was it selfish and disrespectful, but it was a stupid idea."
"What if you and your brother had reacted poorly?"
"Would he have just shipped one or both of you back home?"
"Would he get a hotel and stay there with you or expect you to stay there alone?"
"Would he have kicked his new family out?"
"So many things could have gone wrong, and he took no one but himself into consideration when he chose to do that." ~ Thriillsy
"NTA. You were totally justified."
"You don’t just hide a secret family and then push them on someone in a way that gives you a way to escape."
"What he did was not smart but cruel." ~ NeitherStory7803
"NTA, I don’t understand why your friend can’t see this honestly."
"What your father did was extremely disrespectful."
"And you handled it with a lot of grace at such a young age."
"The man is lucky you’re still willing to meet with him and have a relationship with him, because honestly he doesn’t deserve this."
"It’s emotional manipulation mixed with not having empathy." ~ conancas
"NTA. Your father wasn't joking; he was bragging."
"He probably felt it was safe to do so years later, as there was no reaction from you or your brother at the time."
"That's down to how well your mother brought you up." ~ Nozza-D
"NTA. He owes you an apology."
"Many apologies."
"I am not saying you should disrespect him, but you are trying to be the perfect person for a 'man' who abandoned his family, and it is not necessary."
"You told him the truth, and he tried to make you out to be the bad guy." ~ Illustrious-Serve-49
"NTA. I met a cousin I didn't know existed at a beer garden I had no idea he would be at."
"My aunt blindsided me."
"No idea she had any kids."
"I'd never seen any."
"I know what happened and why as an adult, and I understand her situation."
"No judgment from me."
"But a whole lot of judgment for springing a full-grown adult cousin without any warning."
"He's a great person."
"Don't get me wrong."
"But that was nowhere near okay." ~ Fallenthropy
"You're NTA, but your dad sure is."
"Of course you're upset about being ambushed that way."
"Especially when he didn't prioritize you and your brother enough to share what was going on in his life, or to include you in it."
"I'm guessing it probably felt like a huge slap in the face."
"It sounds like he's still as selfish and disrespectful as he was back then." ~ Tamstrong
"No, you are NOT an ar*ehole!"
"However, your father is!"
"Your father is also a liar, a sneak, and a coward who is more than likely cheating on your Mother."
“'Minimal Child Support?'"
"Was this minimal child support just a pittance that he decided on?"
"Or was it the minimum amount of child support that the Court (Judge) could determine for two children?"
"Did your Mother know about your father’s Secret Family?"
"How old is your Half-brother?"
"I’m aware that you stated, 'While living abroad, he remarried and had another child.'"
"Are you sure of the timeline?"
"Exactly how old is your half-brother?"
"In my experience, when a person keeps such huge secret/s… He or she only exposes as much of the 'secret' as they absolutely have to!"
"Meaning, did he leave your mother because he impregnated another woman while he was married to your mother?"
"That certainly would explain the 'minimal amount of child support!'"
"He was also providing for a second secret family!"
"As for the 'friend' who could see your father's side of it… is this friend a friend of yours or your father’s?"
"If I were you, I would rethink my friendship."
"I’m sorry this happened to you." ~ WarLiving6406
"NTA. The problem isn’t just what he asked you to do; it’s that he deliberately deceived you to get you to agree."
"You’re allowed to be upset when someone manipulates you into doing something you never would have accepted otherwise." ~ EffortPrimary6100
"NTA - that's shocking."
"My dad introduced my brother and me to one of his partners once out of the blue (and her daughter) at a pub on one of his weekends post-divorce."
"We just got used to that sort of thing!"
"Didn't make it right." ~ Nervous_Revenue_9331
"Your father is a dreadful individual, and your reaction was more than justified."
"Fancy thinking that tricking your own kids to meet his side family was a genius move."
"Appalling behavior." ~ No_Shine_7224
"ESH. He was super weird and dishonest by telling you about them before you met."
"You are calling them a ‘side’ family when your parents were divorced before they ever met."
"They didn’t do anything wrong."
"Your father is just a weird dude with zero empathy or self-reflective skills." ~ Greenelse
"I don’t think you’re wrong for blowing up after being tricked."
"Your dad could have been honest about what he wanted instead of misleading you."
"Even if he had a good reason, that doesn’t make the deception okay." ~ Physical-Cut-3391_
"NTA. He only got so mad because he knew you were right." ~ SpecialistAlone962
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your Dad is mad because he was called out.
This is a tough scenario.
Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Good Luck.
