Dating people with complicated exes and kids can burden a new relationship.
Breakup stories have so many sides.
When someone is the new love... how can one be sure they're telling the whole truth?
Leave it to a bestie to find out.
Redditor wq2uoh2k wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for checking my friend's B[oy]F[riend]'s public court documents?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"One of my (27 F[emale]) close friends (27 F) got into a relationship last year around April."
"She told me that he (37 M[ale]) had 2 young kids with an ex. "
"Never married. split up."
"Moved out (all confirmed; all recent events at that time)."
"As someone who has dated men who have gone through divorces/splits and custody battles, I understand how messy these situations can get."
"I always try to approach them with as much clear judgment as possible."
"I do my best to trust the person I'm with when they share their version of events, but if info about the situation is publicly available, I don't see anything wrong with doing my own research."
"I have always been transparent about this too to my previous partners, and I’ve never had a partner react negatively."
"My friend had explained to me that he was in the process of filing for custody, and I told her these things are public info and she should take a look at them to make sure that what he said lined up."
"She told me she would wait a bit for him to open up more about the situation before doing that."
"I had this convo with her early on when they were still in the ‘talking stage,’ so I agreed with her, and we left it at that."
"As of today, they live together, and they have been dating for about a year."
"Sadly, no one in our circle likes this guy."
"At first I thought it was just me, so I kept my mouth shut."
"I thought it was an inner judgment issue that I needed to work on, but when our other friends started approaching me with similar concerns that his stories related to his family, career, finances, etc. weren’t really adding up, I felt like I had to say something."
"I spoke to her briefly in June of this year about my own personal concerns, and she dismissed it."
"Specifically regarding the child custody case."
"She said he told her he was paying $500 a week in child support, in the process of communicating with a lawyer to get custody, and that 'the ex is crazy because she keeps avoiding him so that she doesn’t get served with the custody filing.'"
"I asked her if she looked into the court documents to see if this was all true, and she said no."
"She didn’t want him to think that she didn’t trust him."
"She had no reason to believe that he was lying."
"Wanting to protect my friend, I looked instead."
"According to the finalized custody order that his ex had filed in June of 2025, he was the one who was avoiding her."
"He was found and served."
"He did not attend any of the 3 court dates (one of them was on the same date that he took my friend on a trip out of town too)."
"He never filed a counterclaim…"
"I told my friend about my findings recently."
"I made sure to be as kind as possible with my approach."
"I wasn’t trying to put her down about the situation either."
"She continued to defend him, saying that she wasn’t going to ask or look into this because she has no reason to not trust him, and she was really upset that I even looked and said anything."
"I was only doing it with her well-being in mind, but now I’m overthinking it."
"I really don’t know what to think, but I feel like an a**hole."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, publicly available knowledge is a fair game." ~ LynxPuzzleheaded9336
"Totally. If it’s public record, it’s not like you’re hacking into his phone or crossing a boundary."
"You were just looking out for your friend."
"NTA anyday." ~ velxyrion1
"NTA, but probably none of your business."
"I doubt that your friend was ever going to listen to the truth."
"Not your circus, not your monkeys, OP." ~ Curious_Figure5143
"NTA. She's upset that he lied to her and is taking it out on you."
"With a side of she suspected he was lying and didn't want to know." ~ beldin37
"NAH, you are legally able to look up documents, and you did."
"Proved your gut right."
"As a friend, you felt the need to share this with her."
"All in all, it's a behavior."
"Now let it go."
"She is a grown woman and can make decisions for herself."
"Yes, they look like bad relationship decisions, but they are hers to make." ~ Sufficient-Produce85
"It's easier to hear the lie you want to hear than it is to hear the truth you don't want to hear."
"She's ignoring you because she put her trust in the wrong guy; she knows she did, but she doesn't want to admit it out loud."
"There's really nothing more that you can do besides be there for her when it blows up in her face." ~ hjo1210
"NTA - Your findings are concerning as they appear to contradict everything he has told your friend."
"I am left to wonder where the $500/week is going and if your friend is not unwittingly paying or subsidizing something."
"You cannot force her, but you can certainly arm her with information." ~ Deep-Evidence-4962
"NTA. She knows his story wasn't making sense, but she intentionally wanted to give herself plausible deniability. "
"She's angry at you for removing the blinds and not giving her an excuse." ~ LionessStephanie
"NTA, but a reality check: your friend either already knows or simply doesn't care."
"She's infatuated, and the only thing you're doing to do here is push her away."
"And that's fine -- it's okay to not stay friends with people based on their own actions or behaviors -- but that's a choice you need to make for yourself."
"There will always be women simping for trashy men." ~ DeniedAppeal1
"NTA. Your friend has shown you who she is, though."
"Up to you what you do with that."
"I would he distancing myself from her." ~ Cerasinia
"NTA. Sadly, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."
"She's in the fog".
"The only thing you can do now is be there for her, if you choose, after she gets out of the fog." ~ Buffalo-Woman
"Documents are publicly available, so NTA."
"Hopefully it doesn't turn into a bad situation, but it sounds like your friend wants to live in her fairy tale." ~ Sensitive-Union-3944
"If he tries to isolate her from the friends who see through/call out his b.s., make sure to tell her that you hope it doesn’t, but if anything goes sideways, she can reach out to you all for help."
"She may not be in a place to help herself right now, but there may be a time in the future when she’ll really wish for some kind of escape plan/support line."
"I’m sorry."
"It’s really, really tough to see someone you care about make decisions you know are going to hurt them."
"That doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it."
"That doesn’t mean you have to stay and watch the situation go bad. Your mental health is important too."
"But if you can, reminding them that you’ll be there when/if things change can be crucial if they need it in the future." ~ reddoorinthewoods
"NTA - your friend made a bad judgment call, didn't check something easily verifiable, and is now blaming you instead of her lying boyfriend."
"You might be better off without both; I don't think I'd want to be friends with a man who tries to avoid child support or a woman who shoots the messenger instead of looking at the person who is actually at fault." ~ Anonymous_Sad_Person
"I'd give her a little time to process things."
"People aren't perfect, and she's enmeshed now, but she might come around."
"I don't think her friend was very smart, possibly willfully, about simply believing this man."
"But still, she has the info now."
"Give her a bit to process it."
"Step back from the situation; the ball is in her court now."
"And if she makes no changes after some time period, then yeah, I would be re-examining what kind of person they are that is ok with this." ~ ambergresian
"NTA. It's not like you hired a private investigator."
"You looked up public info."
"Frankly, your friend is a fool for not looking herself and an even bigger fool for continuing to say she has no reason not to trust him when you just handed her proof that he is lying to her."
"Your friends can stage an intervention where you all lay out your concerns and reasons for not liking him, but after that, it's on her."
"She will reap the consequences of her own lack of sense." ~ QuickSloth4710
"I once got all the court documents proving to a friend that her fairly new boyfriend (a couple of months) lied about his charges and why he was really on the sex offender registry."
"She didn’t care."
"Some people are just desperate to be in a relationship, even if it’s with a terrible person, and won’t listen to reason or evidence."
"We stopped being friends until it went bad and she left him. NTA." ~ Steavee
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
You were trying to help a friend.
She may be taking her frustration and shock out on you.
It was an unorthodox approach, but your intentions were good.
Good Luck.
