Choosing a name for your child is never as easy as anyone hopes it might be.
Not helped at all by the fact that everyone will share their opinion on prospective names, even though they have no say in the matter.
Of course, when some people hear a truly ludicrous possibility for a name, they often can't help but express doubt.
Even if that doesn't guarantee the expectant parents will necessarily hear these concerns.
The son-in-law (SIL) of Redditor throwaway91023737 had a highly unusual name for his soon-to-be-born daughter.
A name neither the original poster (OP) nor her daughter was particularly in favor of.
However, a scary and unfortunate situation regarding the OP's daughter allowed
the OP's SIL an opportunity to give his daughter his first choice of name.
Until the OP interjected.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not letting my daughters husband see her after her birth?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to block her SIL from getting his way:
"I (47 F[emale]) have a daughter, (24 F) named Leila who just gave birth to her first child."
"I don't know much but I know that she and her husband Matt (27 M[ale]) have been having issues on what to name their child."
"Matt wants to name their baby a ridiculous name, which I won't specifically name here, but it's a month."
"And not something like June, May, or April."
"Something like October with a middle name that's color, and once again, not something like violet or Scarlett."
"Meanwhile Leila wants a more practical name."
"Because of all this, they have been in marriage counseling, which hasn't seemed to work."
"A week ago, Leila gave birth but had to stay hospitalized because of complications."
"Right after her birth, she was very out of it and wasn't in her right mind."
"Matt took advantage of this, and when I asked him what they were going to name their baby, he stated the name he wanted."
"I knew Leila wouldn't like this and that it was supposed to be a joint decision, so I didn't allow him to sign anything, which resulted in him not being able to legally sign off as her father."
"When Leila woke up, she thanked me for it, but Matt has been refusing to see their baby."
"What was supposed to be a beautiful phase in their life has been spoiled by his family bombarding her with texts and calls."
"Now I'm starting to think I may have gone too far since he hasn't seen his baby in weeks."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to let her SIL see her daughter after she gave birth, thus preventing him from giving her his name of choice:
Nearly everyone agreed that the OP was only thinking of her daughter's best interests, not even really having anything to do with her grandchild's name, but her daughter's safety and autonomy:
"There are two issues here that people keep focusing on."
"OP didn't tell the father where the hospital was, so he could not sign any paperwork."
"OPs daughter was medically incapacitated and unable to exert her own rights after birth, and her husband was planning on taking advantage of that to name the baby something she has firmly refused."
"Both of these are big issues."
"I can feel some sympathy for a father missing out on his child's birth, but the fact that he planned to take advantage of his wife at her most vulnerable moment just to get his way is frankly disgusting."
"Had he not done that, OP would have told him what hospital they were at, and the paperwork would already be done."
"This seems to me like a case of the father facing the repercussions of his own actions."
"He could've just acted with integrity and waited for his wife to recover to decide the name."
"And also, where is his concern for his wife in all this?"
"His first thought is not to worry about her condition but to win a point on the baby's name?"
"And now he's pouting and refuses to see her?"
"What a child."
"We don't have all the information, but overall, I'm with OP on this one."
"ESH to NTA, but if it were my daughter I'd probably do the same."- Last-Campaign-3373
"NTA."
"While a MIL shouldn't be interfering in this type of situation, you were not acting on your own behalf - you were advocating for a woman who had just given birth."
"It's hard to demonize someone standing between a man who wants to force his decision on someone currently bleeding from an internal open wound the size of a dinner plate."
"He declared his intention to take advantage of her vulnerable state to make a unilateral decision that he knew was not what the child's other parent wanted."
"You only make a decision for someone else when you know they would be ok with it, and a person's name is not something to be that immature with."
"And no, don't come at me with 'they could change the baby's name' that causes extra problems for that kid the rest of her life."
"I went to college with a girl whose mom changed the spelling of her name when she was a few weeks old, and its a hassle."- Kitastrophe8503
"I say NTA, but even if you were and should've stayed out of it, I don't think Matt is very mature or ready to be a parent."
"Refusing to see the baby because he was thwarted from naming his daughter behind his wife's back."
"Seriously?!"- Sneezydiva3
"NTA."
"He was planning on naming her while your daughter was out of it, although he is the father that shows he had no care for your daughter's opinion in the first place."
"I think there's a window for naming the baby, and it doesn't have to be done right away, and both parties should be present (and aware) of what their child is named."
"I hope my mother would stand beside me to make sure I was okay with everything my SO was doing if she even thought I'd have second thoughts."- Extreme-Mushroom9308
"NTA."
"He wasn't organized or in communication with his pregnant wife enough to be present at the birth, and you didn't do anything disproportionate, you just didn't provide information that would have let him name the baby before your daughter was able to be part of the conversation."
"How he reacted to that is down to him."
"Refusing to see the baby is selfish and petulant and will not help his relationship with his wife or his child, which already sounds fragile."
"The only thing that I can pick fault with is that you said that Matt took advantage of the opportunity of your daughter being very out of it."
"But I can't understand how."
"He wasn't present, didn't know where she was, and didn't get to even see the paperwork."
"So I suspect there might be part of this story that you are not telling us (or that it might not be true)."- mavenmim
"NTA."
"He was hours away when his wife gave birth. That's an issue."
"His wife didn't tell him what hospital she was at. That's another issue."
"He wanted to take advantage of a situation where his wife and mother of his newborn child was incapable of making a decision, that's an issue."
"When he didn't get his way, he pouted and took his anger out on an hours-old newborn."
"That's not someone who is ready to be a husband and father."- PsychologicalJax1016
"NTA."
"OP states it was AFTER the birth her daughter was incapacitated."
"If the daughter wanted the husband there she would have told him when she went into labor."-OkPresentation9971
"NTA."
"Your daughter thanked you for advocating for her when she couldn't do it herself."- notjimbelushi420
"NTA."
"How could you possibly be?"
"He's mad that you got in the way of him taking advantage of the state his wife was in."- mothwhimsy
"NTA."
"But he hasn't seen his baby in weeks?"
"Why is she not divorced yet."
"Document everything, his tantrum will definitely benefit your daughter in a custody battle."- Intrepid-Archer-4196
"NTA."
"Names are one of those two yeses, one no decisions."
"You advocated for your adult daughter when she was unable to advocate for herself, and she thanked you for it."
"Little 'October Ultramarine Throwaway' would probably thank you as well (and, if not, she can legally change her name in the future)."
"He can always be added to the birth certificate later as well."
"Matt has been refusing to see their baby'."
"He's being a terrible parent."
"You are not responsible for him deciding not to see his daughter."
"You are not responsible for the temper tantrum that he is throwing."
"Little 'October Ultramarine Throwaway' is NOT a weapon to be used to hurt her other parent!"
"I do wonder how he's explaining the situation to his family, though, and what they are saying to your daughter."
"I would be quite upset with my son if he was refusing to see his own daughter just because he didn't get to name her 'October Ultramarine Throwaway'."
"Like, boy, be for real and get OUT yourself!"- Sea_Peak_4671
Grandparents have no say as to what their grandchild should be named.
Including the OP.
However, considering the OP's Son-In-Law was nowhere to be seen during the birth of his child while his wife was incapacitated.
Leading one to imagine the OP wasn't even thinking of her grandchild's name during this ordeal.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp