People who choose to breastfeed can attest to the benefits, such as sharing a unique and physical bond with their baby and increasing their baby's immunity.
"Wet nursing" used to be a more acceptable and prevalent option when breastfeeding moms were either decreasing in milk supply or were ill or hurt and could not feed their baby.
But that's not the same as providing a baby with a pacifier or using the human body as one, criticized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor MenuFit4296 was visiting with her husband's family when his aunt asked her if she could breastfeed her baby so that she could "bond" with the baby, and she explained she'd done the same with other babies in the family.
Since the aunt was older and had adult children, the Original Poster (OP) was alarmed and immediately refused to let her husband's aunt have that "bonding experience" with her child.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to let my husband's aunt breastfeed my baby 'just to bond'?"
The OP was visiting with her husband's family.
"So this is… weird. I (27 Female) gave birth to my daughter about two months ago. She's happy, healthy, and nursing well."
"My husband (30 Male) comes from a very tight-knit, Southern family. Most of them are sweet, if a bit overbearing."
"But his aunt, Pam (yes, real name changed), is on another level. She's in her late 40s, has two grown kids, and is kind of obsessed with babies. Like… too obsessed."
During the visit, the OP's aunt-in-law asked an alarming question about her baby.
"We visited his family for the first time with the baby last weekend. Everyone was excited to meet her. Pam held her, rocked her, and then casually asked, 'Do you mind if I try to breastfeed her? It helps with bonding.'"
"I legit thought she was joking. I kind of laughed and said, 'Wait, what?'"
"And she said, totally serious, 'I did it with my niece when she was a baby, and it calmed her right down. I've always had a strong maternal instinct. It's completely natural.'"
"Um. WHAT??"
"I told her absolutely not."
"She kept insisting, saying I was being 'uptight' and that women have shared breastfeeding for centuries."
"I don't care if this was normal in like, ancient tribes; it's not happening with my baby. I told her no again, very firmly."
"She got super offended and walked off."
The husband's family totally enabled the aunt and her behavior.
"Now I'm getting messages from other relatives saying I overreacted, that Pam was just being 'nurturing,' and I should've let her 'try' because the baby was crying at the time."
"My husband backed me up at first, but now even he's like, 'Maybe it wouldn't have been a big deal.'"
"No. I'm not letting someone else's boob near my child. Full stop."
"But now I'm wondering, was I really that out of line? I know wet nursing is technically a thing, but I didn't ask for one. And it's not like I'm struggling with supply or needing help."
"AITAH for shutting it down?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that this didn't qualify as "nursing" since Pam wasn't even lactating.
"NTA. Sure, wet nursing is a thing, but I'm pretty sure your husband's aunt isn't lactating. What she was doing was offering her boob as a pacifier. Weird and creepy at best." - ResolutionSafe6898
"Hey OP, this is exactly what you need to tell your husband and any family member who reaches out to shame you, 'She's not lactating, what she was doing was offering her boob as a pacifier.'"
"I don't care how close-knit a family is, an older lady who isn't lactating doesn't offer up her dry f**king tit to a baby that isn't hers, under the guise of 'bonding.' No aunt needs to bond with her niece or nephew that that level."
"NTA." - Nikkita8223
"I would also thrown in a and why the f**k would i want to let her use my kid to stimulate her nipples, she can get an adult romantic partner who can legally consent to do that."
"If she is going to be a creepy weirdo, f**k it, really drive that point home and make everyone look at her sideways because they need to."
"Breastfeeding and wet nursing are not sexual. Aunt Pam is a creepy weirdo. Women can be sexual predators, too. They just aren't caught as easily because of stereotypes, and well, typically there aren't the same kinds of physical injuries because of anatomical differences between the sexes."
"NTA." - throwawtphone
"It's also very bad for the baby, they rely on things being pretty black and white. Breast equals milk, but when you then decide to give a breast that doesn't give milk, that's VERY confusing."
"Also, my baby gets so angry when my boob is empty. And I think more babies will be so so so angry. It is like giving an empty bottle of water to a person that is very thirsty."
"Also, it is just weird to do when you don't even lactate. Yes, breastfeeding is a bonding experience. But it is for the mom and baby only." - Pollythepony1993
"Even if she WERE lactating (which... she definitely isn't), there's so much that can be transmitted through breast milk, it's a HUGE trust ask and an ask that should be initiated by the parents, not a random family member."
"My sister offered to nurse my newborn. She was still breastfeeding my niece, but no thanks. I'm trying to establish my own milk supply and form a bond with my newborn, born 36 hours ago. Stay in your lane. We're not living in the Middle Ages here." - Illustrious_Leg_2537
Others said there were many other, far less cringey ways to bond with nieces and nephews.
"As an aunt, my first thought was HOLY F**K, WHAT. Never in a million years would I have thought that this was a thought that should be even thunk, much less said out loud!"
"Absolutely not. I will bond with niblings without utilization of my tits. You know. Normally." - ellasaurusrex
"I watched a kid while the mom was on a drunken bachelorette wine tour for a friend."
"We're both well endowed up top and she thought I was the best person to feed her child bottles of her breast milk because of the boobage and I even wore her smelly shirt. Indeed, he was pretty happy nestled into my fully-clothed boobs drinking from his bottle."
"So yeah, boobs are awesome and comforting to a kid. But THIS? This is gross as f**k."
"And yo, I was absolutely covered in drool, her breast milk, and totally sticky. It was disgusting. But that baby passed out cold on me every time I fed him, so I did a decent job. I took a long-a** shower though…I smelled like cheese." - CantHandleTheThrow
"There are much more fun, non-freaky ways to bond with niblings! Some of which can also torture your siblings, like introducing the wonders of slime to the four-year-old…"
"(My sister-in-law is still salty about it...)"
"…or getting the noisiest, creepiest baby toy…"
"(My sister can't handle Furbies, so obviously, her little one needs three or four)." - Nikkita8223
"She could have offered to bottle feed the baby with mom's breast milk? There are healthier alternatives? Even if she was lactating, no telling what the diet of the aunt is? I would not allow someone to feed my child something unknown?" - marbles1129
Some urged the OP not to let her husband's family babysit, as they were fine with Pam's behavior.
"No babysitting from aunt again, and if someone lets her do breastfeed your child, then you are filing for divorce and taking the baby." - Jepsi125
"No babysitting for that whole side. I would also make it VERY known that you would consider someone else breastfeeding your child (especially a NON lactating aunt) assault and you will absolutely press charges." - invisibleconstructs
"OP, be careful with your husband's access to the baby as well. I don't like his response. Sounds like he'd have no issues if she did it now, behind your back." - Lopsided_Turn4606
"OP, please remind the family backing up Creepy Aunt that, 'Parents bond. Relatives visit.' Auntie has zero need to bond with the child via suckling (eww)." - CherryblockRedWire
"I say for the time being, the OP needs to be in close proximity to her baby at all times unless they're home and baby is asleep, she needs to be very close, like not let baby out of sight."
"Her husband needs a reality check, maybe with the pediatrician, maybe with a nurse, maybe with a couple's therapist or a therapist of his own, but until OP can say without a shadow of a doubt her husband has her back and understands and fully agrees with her outrage and decision, he can't be trusted to not take baby 'for a quick visit.'" - Newgirlkat
"Breastfeeding is not a sexual act, so don't come at me for that. It does become highly inappropriate and unacceptable when a mature woman who no longer has supply insinuates that children need her nipple in their mouths in order to bond with her."
"In what world is this ok? OP, NTA. Keep this woman as far away from your baby as possible. I'd also like to have a few words with your husband. If he does not back you up on this, he is showing you a massive red flag. Do not ignore this one. This is a deal breaker." - AnneLavelle
The subReddit was deeply disturbed by what they had read and assumed the worst about the OP's aunt-in-law. It was doubtful that she was still lactating at an advanced age when her children were all grown up, which meant that she wouldn't be breastfeeding or "wet nursing" at all.
There were implications attached to this act that are not associated with the calm necessity of feeding a baby, and none of them were good.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp