People unnecessarily commenting on women's bodies and bullying them is nothing new, though it is harmful.
It's worse, however, when the comments come from people who are supposed to be family, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Aromatic-Salt-5079 was a young woman who expressed herself partially by dressing in alternative clothing, though none of it was particularly revealing.
When her brother-in-law and his wife complained about her clothes showing too much of her body and complained about her not visiting them enough in the same breath, the Original Poster (OP) thought the reason why was pretty obvious.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being upset when my brother-in-law told my husband that I had 'too much boob'?"
The OP didn't feel accepted by her brother-in-law (BIL) and his wife.
"I've (22 Female) never been particularly close with my brother-in-law (30 Male) or his wife, but my husband (23 Male) is very, very close with them, as they lived together for around seven years."
"He feels indebted to them as they rescued him from a difficult household situation involving other family members and substance abuse, which I understand."
"However... I get the sense that they never really approved of me. They are religious and traditional, and I dress alternative/dye my hair. In fact, one of the first things BIL ever said to my husband when we started dating was, 'You like that hair?' It was pink at the time."
u/Aromatic-Salt-5079/Reddit
While the OP's husband used to defend her look, he surprised her when he agreed with recent comments.
"I tolerate most of their comments, but recently, my BIL had my husband meet him at a restaurant for a 'talk.'"
"My BIL told him that he and his wife had had a discussion and decided that I have 'too much boob' (his exact words, according to my husband), and they don't like the way I dress."
"They also do not want me around their eight-year-old daughter if I dress like that, because they don't want her to 'think that's okay.'"
"When my husband came home and told me about this, I was so embarrassed, I started sobbing."
"My husband got annoyed with me because he can 'understand where they're coming from' and thinks it wasn't unreasonable to say."
"My BIL also told him that they were upset I didn't seem to want to come around very often, so I told my husband that stuff like this is exactly why I don't feel comfortable around them, and he got angry and left the room."
u/Aromatic-Salt-5079/Reddit
The OP wasn't sure what she should do about the complaints.
"I have DDDs. I can't exactly help the amount of boob I have because no matter what I wear, they will be there! I don't want to start wearing turtlenecks or a binder every time I have to see them."
"And I've never dressed inappropriately around them on purpose, ever! I added some pictures of my outfits for reference."
"Am I overreacting for being upset, both at BIL for saying that and at my husband for taking their side?"
u/Aromatic-Salt-5079/Reddit
The OP wasn't sure what to expect from them anymore.
"I've seen BIL and his wife in person since then, and they always act super nice to my face and never mention the way I dress or anything, which makes me feel even weirder that they forced my husband to say that to me and then act like it never happened."
"I almost would've preferred they just say it to my face. Just being around them gives me so much anxiety now because I feel like they're judging everything I do."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were suspicious that the brother-in-law (BIL) was trying to shift blame onto the OP when he was the one with conflicting feelings.
"NOR. These people suck, and you have super cute, appropriate dresses. There's nothing inappropriate about any of those photos."
"Big boobs are ALWAYS prominent (spoken from experience). Turtleneck and the like seem to highlight them even more than the dresses in the photos (how is that even possible? I think it might be devil magic, lol)" - sparksgirl1223
"NOR. I have a 30G/H, and it doesn't matter whether I wear 'modest,' loose clothing or whether I wear more form-fitting clothing. It is always obvious that I have a large chest. What tf is OP supposed to do about something she has no control over?"
"If my assumption that they're Christians is correct, then according to what should be a part of their beliefs, OP's body was made perfect in the eyes of God, including her chest, and that she shouldn't be ashamed of it."
"If they actually practiced their religion, then they wouldn't judge her by saying she has 'too much boob,' because they should believe that this is what was given to her by God."
"But of course, in typical religious nut fashion, they conveniently forget the whole 'made perfect in God's image' part and judge people based on immutable characteristics." - shrimp_sticks
"NOR. She doesn't look overtly sexual to someone with a normal brain and no personal issues. Do her boobs look good, absolutely, but that's very clearly in the 'good boobs in cute outfit that they add to the beauty of' kind of way rather than 'this person is definitely trying to turn me on' way."
"I'm a bisexual woman, and while I definitely appreciate her beauty, I don't feel like my attention is in any particular way guided to them; boobs just kinda exist, and while they look good, they are in no one's face intentionally, perfectly tasteful."
"I suspect BIL is turned on by OP's overall beauty and cannot deal with it, so is trying to shift the blame on her." - No-Hovercraft-455
"Ask your BIL WHY he’s checking you out and WHY he thinks that’s appropriate? Put the creepiness back where it belongs."
"Starting with her husband. 'Do you see that the creepiest, most inappropriate part of this situation is when you were talking critically with your brother about my body?'"
"Lurking in the background of our text, here, is that the brother-in-law has surely first conversed about this with his wife. Maybe she put him up to the whole thing? You think? Beneath the smothering religiosity, there are some seriously 'toxic' instincts happening here. Time for OP to create a fire break." - Attentions_Bright12
"Tell him that if his eyes are causing him to sin, Jesus told him what to do. He'll know what I mean."
"People can hold their own beliefs about modesty, but at the point it is used to control others, it’s no longer about their views but how other people not following them make them feel."
"I bet the BIL wants those boobies, and your SIL is jealous because she too is sexualizing what she views as causing her husband to have impure thoughts. Or maybe she’s having a little just as well if she’s that repressed!"
"There’s a reason they’re both worried about your boobs and not focusing on their own lives and how they choose to live it."
"NOR. They are a**es. Your outfits and your body are lovely. Turn it up a notch around them just for fun and then see how they handle it."
"Then tell your husband that you and your body are not his to control, and you never want an opinion on either unless you ask. If he isn’t okay with that, then go flaunt yourself elsewhere and find someone who both treats you amazing and is happy to have a smokin’ girlfriend or wife!"
"Also, given your handle, I assume you both may be into gaming? I guarantee you there are a lot of gamers in this world who would be kind, sweet, and love your body!" - EmmerdoesNOTrepme
Others also called out the OP's husband for not standing up up for her against the judgmental couple.
"Why did your husband see fit to TELL you this?? NOR." - luckyartie
"So they want you to dress and act exactly the way they like and start negging when you are simply existing and enjoying your life? Hmmmmmmmm."
"Why did your husband marry you in the first place if he agrees with your style being too much or inappropriate?"
"That loser should back you up, not tear you down. Da**it."
"Also, your BIL should mind his own business. It’s your body, your life. Go enjoy it! You deserve better, hun. NOR." - j9_reddit
"Girl."
"'My husband got annoyed with me because he can 'understand where they're coming from' and thinks it wasn't unreasonable to say.'"
"Your BIL isn't the problem here. Your husband is. You're underreacting to the fact that your husband effectively agreed with his BIL on his f**ked up view of you. You don't need this s**t. Have some self-respect." - delinaX
"I bet he was trying to neg OP in some way and lower her self-confidence, and probably he expected special thanks for tolerating her while his brother would not have, and it backfired because Op wasn't pathetic enough to lap up the intended guilt."
"I can find zero reason why a good man with no malicious intent would put his partner down while parroting insulting crap from other men that she is not dating and doesn't intend to date."
"The whole thing smells of an attempt to drag her down and make her feel less than so she's in her rightful place and easier to control by the whole family and him." - SquirrelLuvsChipmunk
"He told her because he agrees with them. So instead of backing her up and telling them to get over themselves, he doubled down on HER."
"She doesn’t have an in-law problem; she has a husband problem. I could not be with someone who didn’t support me. My bras shouldn't be more supportive of me than my partner." - OperationSeveral3756
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Hello everyone! First off, I wanna say I did not expect the sheer amount of responses."
"A lot of you were so kind, and I really appreciate all the support and the genuine concern for my well-being, especially from other women who have been in my situation!"
"I feel much less alone, and I definitely don't feel crazy for being upset anymore. I saw some requests for an update, so here's a small one."
The OP and her husband came up with some solutions.
"I talked to my husband about everything. The first thing he did was apologize. He feels really bad about how he reacted in the moment and recognizes that what he did was wrong."
"He told me that he knows we're supposed to be a team, and if anything like that happens again, he promises to defend me. He also reassured me that he loves my body and the way I dress, and he's not ashamed of it."
"He was never an advocate for me covering up all the time, just around BIL's family. That's the part that seemed 'reasonable' to him. He even said if I want to show off more next time, he'll be supportive! Hahaha."
"So I am not going to divorce him, sorry to disappoint. I saw a lot of people saying I should, but we haven't even been married for a year yet! And this is his first offense, so to speak. He did defend me from the pink hair comment when that happened!! Sorry if that wasn't clear."
"Like I said in some comments, we got MARRIED young because I'm chronically ill and needed the stability of someone with a consistent job and health insurance. But that's not why I'm WITH him. I would still be with him regardless, because I love him!"
"He has a lot of really good qualities and always makes an effort to take care of me no matter what. He works an eight-hour physical job, he cleans, he helps cook, he indulges all of my whims, and buys me flowers often."
"He also is a human being (we're also both young, and I was his first relationship), and human beings make mistakes. He apologized multiple times, and I believe that it's genuine. I even showed him my original post after we talked, and he wasn't upset. He agreed everyone had made a good point and promised to do better."
However, the OP was prepared to stand up for herself if needed.
"That being said... I'm not going to ignore the advice I saw. If he goes back on his word, or if something like this happens again and he does not defend me, then I'm not going to put up with it. I will leave."
"I'm not wholly dependent on him. I have a great relationship with my family and could always go live with them again for a while if I needed to."
"I will also never stop dressing the way I like or ever EVER change my style/appearance for someone else! I'm happy with the way I look."
"As for my BIL and SIL... My husband explained a bit more about the incident to me. They did not meet for lunch JUST to discuss my boobs!! They were just meeting to catch up, and that's something that came up. Which is still a little weird to me."
"But my husband said that my BIL had mentioned it out of concern (in a Catholic way) for my husband to make sure he was okay with how I dress (which is kinda nuts), on top of the concern about me influencing my BIL's daughter."
"My husband also told me that BIL hadn't said this with the specific instructions for him to go and tell me about it... But my husband didn't wanna keep it a secret from me, so he told me everything, which he also feels bad for doing in the blunt way he did."
The OP felt less nervous about seeing her in-laws again in the future.
"I'm going to see BIL and SIL this weekend. I don't think I'm gonna confront them about this then, as I've already seen them a couple of times since, and I feel like that would be an awkward thing to mention at a party! Especially now that I know it wasn't specifically said with the intention to reach me in that way."
"But if something else happens, I will stand up for myself, and if it's really bad, I'll update again."
"Thank you again to everyone who took the time to respond and check in. I appreciate the well wishes, and I feel so much better now! I'm really glad my husband and I were able to get on the same page."
"Next time my In-laws are rude to me, I'll have the courage to stand up to it, and that's all thanks to you guys!"
Not only did the subReddit reassure the OP that what she was wearing was fine, but they were also extremely concerned about the company the OP was keeping, especially given the current political climate.
Just because her husband defended her hair when they started dating did not mean that he would support her in the present; it could easily be one of those situations where he revealed himself and his values slowly enough to convince her to marry her, only confirming who he really is once she was "trapped."
