If we learned anything from 2020, it's that working from home is entirely different from working in an office, and for those who had to, working alongside children is essentially three or four jobs in one.
But even now, some refuse to appreciate the added responsibility, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Though Redditor lastsheltersurvivor understood her sister was pregnant and could use extra help while attending her OBGYN appoints, she did not want to watch her sister's kids while working from home.
But when her sister questioned her reliableness for future visits with the children, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being too close-minded about her work arrangements.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for refusing to babysit while working from home (WFH)?"
The OP had special plans in place to assist her pregnant sister.
"My (30 Female) sister (32 Female) is heavily pregnant, due in one to two weeks with her third child (Male), and as such is attending regular doctor's appointments one to two times a week."
"I'm part of her birth plan and will be taking 1-2 vacation days and watching her kids while she and her husband are in the hospital when she's giving birth."
"She chose me because she knows our parents, her husband's parents, and our older brother won't respect her wishes about quarantine and safety, and she also asked me to quarantine ahead of time because I can work from home (WFH). I spoke with my boss and he agreed. All is okay so far."
But to the OP's surprise, his sister hoped she'd start babysitting earlier.
"Last week, with my boss' permission, I started WFH prior to Thanksgiving. I didn't take any vacation because I only get three weeks total for the year and needed to save for when she's in the hospital."
"She had an appointment last Tuesday at her OBGYN and needed someone to watch her older two kids."
"Her husband makes good money as a Truck engine mechanic and is working OT (overtime) currently to get money for the baby and account for lost income while my sister is on FMLA / Maternity leave. (He's in the shop away from customers and is doing 6-feet-apart/masking at her request) so he couldn't."
"And she didn't want my parents, his parents, or our older brother/sister-in-law watching them because they aren't quarantining."
But the OP felt the need to decline.
"So she asked me to watch them, thinking that I could just set them up while working, and I told her no."
"I understand she is under a large amount of hormones and stress right now, so her reaction was understandable that she panicked, said she was worried about my reliability when she has the baby, etc."
"Being aware of her current mental stress, I kindly explained that there is a difference between WFH and vacation, and that my boss often does impromptu zoom calls."
"I kindly explained that if it were just the three-year-old, I could probably set them up with a tablet or something, but the one-year-old would have no idea that I'm working and would need constant watching and attention as my house isn't babyproof as I'm child-free."
"She eventually accepted it and decided to have our aunt, who is retired, watch them, as both she and her husband never leave the house."
"She's still mad at me, though, and thinks I should have just watched the kids for a few hours while WFH."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some sympathized and were concerned about the sister taking advantage.
"NTA, that's what you get for giving an inch, I guess." - RatioNo1114
"If you gave in and said yes to this, she undoubtedly would continue to come to you and expect you to babysit while working from home. Best to nip it in the bud now!" - cats4life100
"NTA."
"It is actually good that you set this boundary now. If you had done it this time, then she would have expected you to do it whenever you worked from home and she needed a break or whatever. Inevitably you would have had to take a vacation on short notice to babysit."
"The other way you could have handled it would be to explain you are giving her X days of YOUR vacation toward her pregnancy, and ask if she wants you to deduct a half-day from the remaining total." - 1962Michael
"I only have so much sympathy for her. She decided to have two kids after the onset of the pandemic, and she has some pretty rigid requirements for doing her a favor by watching her kids."
"It's not really anyone's responsibility but her husband's to reorganize their life to meet her needs and standards."
"She instead should be appreciative of the days you are willing to put your own life on hold and watch her kids. Her 'wants' don't supersede others' jobs and personal lives." - worshipperofdogs
"You're NTA for sure, you can't watch two toddlers while working from home, but I think other comments are a bit harsh about your sister. It's really scary to have small children or be pregnant right now with the RSV/flu/pandemic virus triple crisis. I'm about as far along as your sister, and I feel more than halfway out of my mind all the time right now."
"Definitely hold your boundaries, but I think it's very kind that you're giving her some grace. It sounds like you two have a generally good relationship and she's clearly under a lot of stress." - fight-like-a-girl
"NTA. She wouldn't ask you to take her kids with you into the office and set them up in an empty meeting room unsupervised."
"A one-year-old needs supervision and care on-demand. You can't do that on an hour-long conference call with a webcam." - Andrew5329
Others pointed out that some people seemed to refuse to understand what "WFH" means.
"I worked what they now call hybrid for years. I dated a guy who worked rotating shifts, he would think if I was working from home on a day he had of, I could just hang around all day, stay in bed, go out for coffee, etc. He didn't understand that I had 8 hours of work to complete."
"I have noticed the large number of people who seem to think working from home means playing all day."
"Now my job is permanently remote and I do have some flexibility, but I still need to get all my work done and attend all the meetings. No cousin, I can't drive across town midday to pick something up for you. No niece, I can't babysit your toddler all next week."
"NTA." - Rude-Dog2559
"NTA."
"If you are babysitting babies and toddlers, you will not be able to focus on work. Many jobs have requirements for babysitting and childcare while WFH for a reason. You are not as productive." - mishka1776
"So many people see 'working from home' as not really working, you can slack off as much as you want, watch TV, etc. There are some WFH jobs that are more flexible but many/most involved meetings, phone and video calls, deadlines, etc. That means the job is the same as being in the office."
"And so much work can involve getting deep into concentrating on something, and any small random interruption can totally ruin your chain of thought. So many people just do not get this. Good that you have set boundaries from the start." - TheZZ9
"NTA."
"Work from home is still working, and speaking from experience, it is incredibly difficult to manage a toddler while trying to work let alone an infant. Not to mention the fact you said your boss does impromptu zoom calls from time to time. You trying to watch them while working is just a bad idea all around."
"Just tell her that company policy also prevents you from being home with children under 10 without additional adult supervision (a real policy that many of the WFH jobs I managed had)." - BenReillyDB
"NTA. Working from home is still working, and you have the kind of job where your boss will give you the time off you need for a vacation to take care of things when she has the baby, as well as let you go work from home assuming that you're going to be doing just as good from there as you are from your office."
"I would also not risk this by deciding to do something like babysitting while I'm on the clock." - TheHighKingKeo
While the subReddit appreciated the OP helping her sister out as much as she could, including sacrificing some of her vacation time to take care of her niece and nephew while her second nephew was born, they also agreed the OP needed to set some limits with her sister.
Working from home is often a useful arrangement, but it still means working, though in a different environment. It's unacceptable in many companies for children to be a part of an employee's workday, let alone an added participant in an impromptu Zoom call.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp