When the children on the paternal side of my family were born, my Father’s Mother would come to stay with each of her daughters or daughters-in-law for the time just before birth and a month after—or longer if needed.
Grandma Sally helped out with the newborn baby, household chores, and caring for any older children.
She taught my Mother—a labor, delivery and maternity ward RN—the Lakȟóta way to swaddle a baby. Mum then taught her colleagues at the hospital.
The support and knowledge of the matriarchs are an important tradition in my culture. Many cultures around the world have this same tradition.
A woman looking forward to the birth of her first child turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Key_Ambassador_9307 asked:
“AITA for telling my mom she should stay with me post partum instead of going to see my sister-in-law (SIL) who is also due soon?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So I come from a culture where it is common for the woman’s mother to stay with her and assist her during the end of pregnancy, the birth, and the first few weeks after the baby is born until she fully recovers and is able to care for the baby unassisted.”
“My mom has always talked about wanting to do this for me. This is my first pregnancy, so while I am very nervous when I announced it, I knew my mom was looking forward to helping me through this phase as I am her only daughter.”
“My brother and SIL already have one child and she found out she was pregnant with her second and was due soon after me.”
“My SIL and I have a great relationship and when she had her first child, she chose to have it in our home country where her parents are. She had the same support from her own mother at the time and even extra support from other relatives including my mom.”
“Although I live in the US, I went to visit her and help in any way I could because she felt that was important (I did too). Since then, she and my brother have moved to the US for career reasons (me, brother and SIL are all citizens, but all of our parents live in our home country).”
“They decided to stay in the US to have their second child. We are both due soon and unfortunately, her parents had some visa processing issues and cannot come in time for the delivery or shortly after.
“My mom however got approved and was planning to stay with me as we had discussed before.”
“My brother asked my mom the other day if she could come help my SIL out for the delivery as her parents could not make it and she is expected to deliver 1-2 weeks after me.”
“When she told me I (under the assumption I would have already delivered by then) told her that I think it makes sense for her to fly out briefly for the delivery and the initial nights, but that she should come back soon after.”
“When my SIL heard this, she was upset and said that she doesn’t have any family here and my mom was the only family she had and that she should at least be able to stay for the same 1-2 weeks that she is expected to help me out post partum before my SIL’s due date.”
“I countered by saying that I feel awful that her parents couldn’t make it in time and that’s why I’m fine with my mother leaving for a few days to help her out, but that this is my first pregnancy and I always thought my mom would be there in the way that we have always wanted and that at the very least she has been around the block before.”
“Now my mom doesn’t know what to do and I think she feels guilty. She has a good relationship with both me and SIL and doesn’t want to upset anyone.”
“I don’t know if I’m being selfish here, so AITA?”
The OP later added:
“After reading some comments I want to clarify a few things:”
“Both SIL and I have supportive partners who will be taking time off regardless. It is not about that. In my culture and many others, childbirth is something where the women in our community come together to help.”
“After growing up and leaving your parent’s house, this is really one of the few moments you can feel like you need your mom again and have that bonding moment. I’m sure we both would manage if we only had our partners, but it’s not just about that for us.”
“If worst comes to worst and we both have difficult deliveries that require that kind of support, then my own MIL could be there for me then. In the scenario described above where one of us do not necessarily need my mom there more than the other, I would prefer to experience this phase with my own mother.”
“I do not have a bad relationship with my own MIL, but we have a good understanding of our boundaries and I would not feel as comfortable asking for the same things or being as vulnerable as I would be with my own mother, especially during a time where emotions are high and hormones are fluctuating.”
“For the people saying that both I and SIL are entitled or taking advantage of my mom, I want to stress that she WANTS to do this. Not just because of culture or an expectation, but because she is very passionate about pregnancy and childcare and has always told me she has been looking forward to having that moment with me when I have a baby.”
“Back in our home country she has done this for countless and more distantly related women in our community and feels empowered by it.”
“Our due dates are about 11 days apart, so I said 1-2 weeks to account for some buffer time. The people saying that either of us could deliver early or late are correct.”
“As of now, we are both having healthy pregnancies and expected to deliver close to the due date and what I told her was simply under the conditions that we do deliver 1-2 weeks within each other without major complications.”
“If the situation changes, I am open to changing my perspective.”
“It is tradition yes, but I partly do feel my mother being there will make a big difference.”
“I fully respect and applaud women who do it by themselves with only their partner there for support, but for me I feel that there are some things related to child birth and post partum both physically and emotionally that it takes another person who has gone through the same experience to support you and for me I prefer that to be my mom.”
“My partner has been quite helpful throughout this journey and I expect he will be a great father but it matters to me for my mom to be there during that transition period into parenthood.”
“My post was under the expectation that we delivery within a week or 10 days of each other. Of course if the gap between our deliveries is longer (either I deliver early or she delivers late) then I would be fine with her leaving.”
“Even in the case that I am recovering well but my SIL has a difficult delivery or something I could understand her staying longer in that scenario.”
“My feelings are just if we both have normal deliveries in a short span I feel she should stay with me longer and I don’t know if I am wrong for feeling that way.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I feel I may have been selfish when I told my mom not to spend as much time with my SIL for her delivery as she would have with me at that point because it is normal in our culture for a woman’s mother to help her throughout the pregnancy, delivery, and care of baby initially, especially if it is the first pregnancy.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) or there were no a**holes here (NAH).
“NTA I don’t think a lot of people on this subReddit are going to get the cultural aspect.”
“My mom still talks about how her mom stayed with her and my dad, she’d wake up when I cried, change me, clean me up and take me to my mom for feeding then put me back in the crib for her to maximize her sleep and handled all the cooking and just generally nurtured her (and me by extension).”
“Your mom’s first obligation in my culture at least would be to you, except that your brother is making a demand and your mom is probably used to giving him what he wants and expecting you to be the bigger person.”
“I’d emphasize to your mom that SIL has already had a child, she has parents of her own, and it’s not right that you shouldn’t get the benefit of your mom when you need her more than ever.”
“There aren’t a lot of perks in my culture for women, but mom helping with a new baby? That’s one of the very few.” ~ SnooPets8873
“This. Exactly this. Plus, SIL is demanding that she won’t miss a single day of traditional cultural support for her second baby, by withdrawing that support from first time mom OP. It’s appalling.”
“SIL is demanding that OP do without her own mother’s support for the first few weeks of her very first baby, so that SIL doesn’t do without for her second.”
“When Op’s mother leaves, SIL’s own mother would arrive to help with her second baby, while OP wouldn’t have her own mother around for weeks. It’s appalling that SIL would demand such a thing.” ~ Shdfx1
“I think this differs from culture to culture. In mine, we stay with the guys parents after marriage and if the relationship between the ILs and SOs are good, they treat each other as own parents/children.”
“That combined with the fact that they’re in a new country can lead to a lot of stress/being scared and wanting a motherly presence. I do agree with the statement that it’s the SIL’s 2nd pregnancy and OP needs her mother more based on that.”
“I’d still say NAH though. It’s understandable that the brother and SIL would want a motherly presence/help.” ~ EragonShadeSlayer18
“NTA, this is your FIRST pregnancy. This is sil second. You should take priority on this alone. Not because hers is any less important, but because you’re about to be a brand new mom, sil has a baby she has some idea as to what to expect, etc…” ~ steelemyheart2011
“NAH. I don’t think anyone is the a-hole here. I think you mom loves you and your SIL and wants to be there for you both.”
“She’s caught between a rock and a hard place and doesn’t know what to do. Hopefully the VISA issue will be resolved in time and your SIL’s mom will be able to come.” ~ Turbulent_Cow2355
“NAH. Your mom is going to do the best she can to support both her children and their families. Please don’t make her feel guilty for trying her best.”
“Ideally there would not be this overlap in postpartum weeks, but life happens.
“SIL will also have a young child at home with the new baby. She needs support just as much or maybe even more.”
“Those first weeks are a blur. She’ll be back before you know it. Best of luck.” ~ Suitable-Park184
“Brother and SIL can hire a nurse or a doula type person since this is their second child. Hell, brother can help out.”
“It’s his kid. I think brother is a jerk for putting their mum in this position given this is OP’s first baby and is the daughter.”
“NTA, and this shouldn’t be an issue. Her mum should be helping OP as part of their cultural mores. Besides, we don’t know when she’s giving birth, SIL is giving birth, and how well birth and recovery will go.” ~ sikonat
The OP and her mom are in a difficult position. Hopefully they can come to an understanding with her brother and sister-in-law.