My house, my rules.
That has always been a standard when discussing being a guest in one's home.
When we stay at another person's home we're obligated to not make them feel ill at ease.
They're doing us the favor.
Apparently some people lost that memo.
Case in point...
Redditor Princessleiawastaken wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for walking around in my underwear when my brother & SIL stay with me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (24 F[emale]) am an I[ntensive] C[are] U[nit] R[egistered] N[urse] working with patients suffering from a wide variety of communicable diseases (MRSA, C-Diff, COVID, etc)."
"It's inevitable that some germs get on my clothes so I take off my scrubs the minute I get in the house."
"I come in through a laundry room, take off my clothes down to bra and underwear, and put the scrubs directly in the washing machine."
"This week my brother (30 M[ale]) and S[ister] I[ln] L[aw] (30 F) are staying at my house because their landlord decided to redo the floors at theirs."
"It was inconvenient for the landlord to do these loud renovations because both my brother and SIL work from home and need to be on business calls."
"Staying with me has helped them a lot."
"However, there was an issue when I came home from work the other day."
"I took off my clothes in the laundry room like always and walked down the hall, past the living room, and into my bedroom in my underwear/bra like I always do."
"My brother and SiL looked horrified."
"When I got re-dressed and came out of my room my SIL had locked herself in her room and my brother was pissed off."
"He yelled at me for 'walking around naked' in front of them."
"I explained to him why and pointed out I was not naked, I was wearing a bra and underwear."
"My brother said that's the same as being naked."
"I said it's not, and the bra/underwear are less revealing than some of the bathing suits they'd seen me wear without complaint."
"He said it's 'different' when it's a bathing suit vs. underwear."
"I asked if the different fabric makes him uncomfortable, he told me not to be a smarta**."
"It's everyday non-sexy underwear."
"It's not like I was wearing lingerie."
"It's plain black underwear and a basic bra."
"My brother told me I should apologize to my SIL for making her uncomfortable and not do it again."
"He likened it to the crime of flashing!"
"I laughed because that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard."
"There was no sexual aspect."
"Would he rather I spread COVID around the house?"
"He told me to keep a change of clothes in the laundry room and get dressed in there."
"I told him this is my house, I'll do what I want."
"He told our parents."
"They sided with him."
"Saying it's too uncomfortable for a brother to see his sister in underwear."
"I pointed out that when we were teenagers he would walk around the house in just boxers all the time!"
"I was showing less skin than he was and I actually had reason."
"My brother said it's different because he's a guy."
"Tonight when I got home from work, I got undressed in the laundry room and walked through the house to my room in my bra/underwear."
"My brother stomped off."
"SIL is giving me the silent treatment."
"My mom is begging me to just change in the laundry room to placate them despite acknowledging that I'm not naked, it's nothing sexual."
"I'm the one who actually lives here, and it's a sexist societal expectation."
"I still think this is ridiculous."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. It's weird to me (and I'm in anesthesia) that ICU nurses don't get hospital scrubs like we do."
"I never launder my own - I pick them up at the locker room in the morning and dump them there in the evening."
"It's so much more hygienic - for staff and for patients."
"I definitely believe the OP that she buys and launders her own scrubs."
"Plenty of hospitals are like this and even ones with scrub services only include certain areas (like the OR)."
"I still think it's bad hospital policy for staff and patients and the public to have contaminated scrubs being worn to and from." ~ chzsteak-in-paradise
"Brother and SIL indeed have an issue."
"An issue where they think catching what is potentially on OP's workwear, or inconveniencing OP in her own home, is more acceptable than OP's comfort... in her own home."
"OP is NTA, and would still be NTA if she said to go sleep on Mom's couch until the renovations are done."
"The entitlement from brother and SIL is astounding here." ~ RedditKentiar
"Just for fun, I would buy the tiniest bikini I could find and wear it under my scrubs one day."
"When I got home, I would take off my scrubs and just walk around in my swimsuit for awhile."
"Because that's not offensive to them lolol!! NTA." ~ MyMurphy2018
"I was gonna say the same thing!"
"If she changes into clothes or a robe in the laundry room, they'll just have the same germs spread onto them."
"Plus, I know the annoyance of having to change in a different room than your bedroom that holds all your s**t."
"I HATE IT!"
"If I forgot to bring my clothes with me when I went to shower and had to walk the short distance to my bedroom with a big towel around me."
"My brother and SIL wouldn't freak out and self-isolate."
"Passive aggressive drama queen is what OP's SIL is, I can't stand that."
"I'd understand them being uncomfortable or awkward, even though when you go into it, it doesn't make much sense."
"I'm teaching my son and daughter the same things, and they're being raised with the same rules because f**k these double standards."
"But I can even understand why some would be uncomfortable because of what society has taught for so long."
"It doesn't give them the right to treat her like this, however."
"Especially considering she's doing them a favor and they're in her home."
"They're the AH for how they've acted, and how they've treated OP."
"I'd be uncomfortable if my SIL walked through the house in her underwear, but the reason behind it makes so much sense."
"I'd rather get a text for a heads up that she's home."
"And either not look or go in my room for a bit, than catch any of the crap that gets on those scrubs all day."
"If they can't deal and want to be this immature and disrespectful, they can go back to their own house."
"Or better yet, since brother wants to run to mommy because OP isn't caving to his demands, they can go crash on their parent's couch." ~ AsdefronAsh
"NTA. It's your house."
"You're doing them a favor."
"A huge part of your daily routine is NOT BRINGING MRSA INTO THE HOUSE."
"The house that you are letting them share."
"'Underwear is the name as being naked.'" [pause] "'Nakedness it is, then!'"
"If they'd been wonderful to you and phrased it as a timid request, I'd say 'What would it hurt to throw a bathrobe on?'"
"But they were so pushy and indignant that I want to come over and walk around in my underwear with you."
"Kind of do a pincer approach so no matter where they look there's a pair of ti**ies coming at them." ~ onmyknees4anyone
"Maybe start shouting 'naked lady on parade' right before you exit the laundry room so they can pull sacks over their heads or run and hide?"
"Oooo, or change into one of your more revealing bathing suits in the laundry room."
"And then go into the living area and chat like nothing was up.
NTA." ~ AdministrationThis77
"NTA. Your practice is very pragmatic."
"They are staying in your home."
"If they don't like it, they can look the other way."
"Plus, running to your parents to tattle is just silly."
"Your mom needs to mind her own business or take them in while their place is being remodeled." ~ sbh56
"I love how when you pointed out the boxer situation it's fine because 'he's a guy.'"
"Double standards are ridiculous.
"You need to tell them if it makes them that uncomfortable they can get a hotel room."
"It's your house and you're doing them a favor by letting them stay."
"They don't have to be there. NTA." ~ coxa8c
"Bless your heart."
"But regarding the clothing situation, tell them to fuck off."
"I'm an ICU nurse, also strip in my laundry room and walk through the house to my room."
"During the height of covid I stripped in my backyard before even coming in."
"It's your house, and it's not like you are walking through naked. NTA." ~ MountainTomato9292
First of all OP... thank you for doing the job you do.
Reddit is with you.
Your house, your rules... especially since it's for health safety reasons.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp