In the immortal words of William Shakespeare, "the course of true love never did run smooth."
Indeed, as wonderful as it is to find the love of your life, it also comes with numerous challenges.
The biggest arguably being one's in-laws.
While some people are lucky and love their in-laws as much or more than they love their partners, not everyone is so lucky.
And they are anything but excited to spend time with them.
Redditor Majestic-One6602 had recently gotten married.
Not long after her wedding, the original poster (OP) learned somewhat unexpectedly that her in-laws were coming for a visit, and a long one at that.
A discovery that did not sit well with the OP, leaving her to ponder making alternative plans for herself.
Having some doubts about her decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"Would I be the a**hole here (WIBTAH) if I went to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks because my husband's family planned a 5-6 week stay in our 2BHK without asking me?"
The OP explained why her in-laws' upcoming surprise visit was not a pleasant surprise:
"I (29 F[emale]) got married in December (less than 3 months as of today) after being with my husband (29 M[ale]) for almost 7 years."
"One thing I've always been very clear about with him, both before and after marriage, is that I need my space and that decisions about people staying in our home should involve both of us."
"Recently I found out that his sister, her husband, their child, and my in-laws have all booked tickets to come stay with us."
"That's about 5-6 weeks. I would be more than happy to host them for 1-2 weeks but 5-6 weeks seems too overwhelming at this stage."
"The part that really upset me is that no one asked me beforehand."
"I only found out after everything was already booked."
"That too when it was asked that how long they were planning to stay."
"We live in a 2-bedroom apartment in is an extremely hot climate, and this will mean 7 people total in the house in peak summer."
"My husband will be at work most of the day, so I'll be the one at home with everyone."
"There are also lifestyle differences."
"My in-laws are strict vegetarians (they won't even let us make eggs at home), while my husband and I both eat non-veg as a staple diet."
"I already know I'll have to adjust what I eat at home, what I wear around the house, and generally how I live for that entire time."
"What hurts more is that this isn't the first time we've discussed boundaries."
"For years my husband told me he understood that I need space and that he would handle these things with his family."
'This was the one deal breaker from my end but he always assured me he would make sure I never have to be put in situations like this."
"But when I brought this up again after finding out about the visit, his response was basically: 'What do you want me to do, everything is already booked?'"
"For context, I also moved away from my own family and friends to live where he works, so this house is pretty much my entire world right now."
"At this point I'm honestly feeling really hurt and disrespected."
"It feels like decisions about my own home were made without me."
"I'm considering going to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks while they're here just to get some space, but they live on the other side of the country so it's not a small trip, and I'm not sure spending that much would be financially advisable."
"Also to add, his parents keep coming to visit us for 7-10 days every other month anyways."
"This was also not discussed with me but in good faith I adjusted."
"How would you handle something like this?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP had every right to stay with her parents while her in-laws were visiting.
Everyone agreed that the OP's anger and frustration were more than justified, and her husband should not have sprung this on her, with many even urging the OP to consider if staying in this marriage was a good idea:
"As someone who's lived in a 2BR for 20 years with my partner, if he sprung all my in-laws on me in this manner, I'd pack my stuff and GTFO."
"If he can't stand up to the leading parent's entitlement (in my case it would be my MIL) then he would never stand up for me in the first place."
"I'm feeling vicarious rage for you right now."
"Clearly NTA."- oh_hell_know
"NTA."
"This is truly the most Desi shit I've ever heard."
"As an Indian woman married into a Pakistani family, I 100% understand this whole ridiculous situation."
"I've been married 15 years now, and my advice is to shut this sh*t down quickly in the beginning."
"Have the big fight and arguments with your husband and insist on keeping your boundaries, or you will spend your whole life suffering and coming last to his family."
"Go and stay with your family for the five weeks."
"Hopefully, your husband will learn the hard way and apologize."
"Do NOT stay in your home with all of them while he is gone to work every day; you'll become their servant 100%."
"I would frame it to him as 'I'm giving you space to enjoy one-on-one time with your family. I'll be back when they've all gone back home'."
"We are not our mothers' and grandmothers' generation."
"We absolutely should not be putting up with husbands who do disrespectful sh*t like this."
"Stand up for yourself now or it will only keep getting worse."- Silky_pants
"NTAH."
"You have a husband problem."
"He needs to fix this; if he doesn't, it shows how little he respects you and your wishes/needs."
"This probably won't get better."
"You need to decide if this is something that you can live with for the rest of your married life, because it looks like your husband will allow this to continue to happen."- ApprehensiveAd2149
"Wait, 'Also to add, his parents keep coming to visit us for 7-10 days every other month anyways'."
"This on top of a 5-6 week stay?"
"Do these people not have jobs?"
"I would NEVER inconvenience anyone with this extended stay!"
"You have only been married for three months, and this is how your husband respects your home and boundaries?"
"Sweetie, with all the kindness in my heart, I am telling you to draw the line and be firm!"
"Tell him either they make alternative plans, either by staying only one week, or you're going to be making alternative living plans."
"Yes, I know it's all been booked, but that's the price they have to pay for not checking with you first."
"I GUARANTEE if you let him and then disrespect you, they will continue to do so for the rest of your marriage."
"You two need counseling."- imartie
"Don't have a baby."- Pattysthoughts
"NTA."
"Tell your husband he can tell his family you (as a couple, not just you making you the bad guy) aren't abIe to host them."
"Or I'd be staying elsewhere the entirety of their trip."
"Let him do all the work of hosting while also working."
"Maybe he'll stop being ok with the long/frequent visits when he's the one inconvenienced."
"You get that you weren't told exactly, so your husband can say they're already booked everything, right?"
"Also it's sounding like this only started after your marriage."
"You know when you're already locked in to the relationship."
"Sounds like he's finally let the mask down and you're now learning who he really is."
"You need to have a serious discussion on why he's trampling your boundaries."
"His response will tell you if the relationship might be salvageable or not."- ApprehensiveBook4214
"It's not a deal breaker if it doesn't break the deal."
"They need a place to stay for 4 of those weeks."
"He either figures that out or you file for an annulment."
"You realize he waited until you were legally bound before breaking the deal, right?"
"That he waited until the plans were made to tell you so you felt trapped, right?"
"That he waited until you lived in a place far from your support system, right?"
"He did this on purpose and will likely construe this as you being inflexible or hating his family or blah blah blah."
"He's showing you who he is, believe him."- brainybrink
Even those who don't have 'boundary issues' as the OP openly admitted she does, would still deserve a heads up that their in-laws were coming.
Seeing as this seems to be an ongoing pattern, it's hard to imagine it will change.
Leaving one to seriously wonder if this marriage is sustainable.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.