Not all families get to go on luxurious vacations.
So that's why it can feel like a miracle when one falls into your lap.
But just because it's free doesn't mean everyone will love the location.
Some people just aren't keen on certain destinations.
Case in point...
Redditor appleatchaash wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for calling my husband selfish for not wanting to go on vacation with us?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (37 F[emale]) and husband (37 M[ale]) have been married for 10 years and have 3 children."
"Every summer, my family takes a vacation to the beach."
"I'm not a huge beach fan, but our kids LOVE it, plus my mom pays for me and my siblings and our families, so it's almost a free trip (excluding travel there, which usually isn't a huge cost)."
"Some years only some of my family makes it, but a few years ago my entire family (50+ people) went on a last trip with my grandma."
"Husband HATES the beach but reluctantly went with us."
"His behavior was HORRENDOUS."
"He wouldn't leave the condo, bailed on previously booked activities that made the cost go up for others, and didn't help AT ALL with our kids."
"It was basically like he wasn't there, and when he was, he was complaining the whole time."
"I was so embarrassed."
"My whole family gave me the pitying stares the whole time and tried to help me as best they could, but it was just a miserable time."
"Our daughters begged him to play on the beach with them, and he just wouldn't engage at all."
"Since then, he hasn't accompanied us back."
"In fact, he will only go on vacations with us if it is a place of his choosing."
"Which is usually hiking."
"Don't get me wrong, I like to hike, but I'd also like to do other things."
"And so would the kids."
"Now, on to the part where I called him selfish."
"We are now planning our trip for this summer to the beach, and once again, he says he will not go."
"The kids are devastated again because they want him to go so they can swim together and build sandcastles together."
"He says he just hates the beach, and there's no changing his mind."
"I got frustrated and called him selfish because he never wants to do anything that the kids enjoy."
"He said I was being a jerk, and there's nothing I can do that will make him like the beach."
"I told him it's not about liking the beach; it's about spending time with his family."
"He says we could skip it and go hiking instead if we want to spend time together."
"So I said we won't be going on any more of his vacations."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Now I feel guilty since that was the one thing he would do with us. AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Is he 5?"
"The point of the trip is to make memories, and it's going to happen whether he likes it or not."
"Unfortunately for him, he is nailing in the memory for his kids as they grow up that he does not value them and actually doesn't really consider family time important if it doesn't involve something he directly chose."
"Kids will remember who was there and built those memories."
"I agree he's being selfish but I'd also take on a whiney child."
"I also don't enjoy the beach, but my family also has a similar trip and I just man the items while everyone swims."
"He has to find the joy in it - one being that his family is there and that should matter." ~ its_batgirl
"My ex was also like this, with emphasis on X."
"He hated camping, the beach, kids activities in general, etc."
"He came to the beach once and sat there in a foul mood wearing jeans and sneakers during a heat wave."
"My kids also remember this and grew to know fun wouldn't be had with him around anyway, so they preferred not to spend time with him."
"They're 20/25 now and have a pretty non-existent relationship with their dad, and it's entirely his loss."
"OP- your husband is being selfish, don't feel guilty for pointing it out to him."
"He either gets it or not, but you go have fun with your children and make those memories!" ~ ripleygirl
"NTA. I'm so curious about whole-a** adults (with children!) who, apparently, never got the 'sometimes you have to do things that you don't like and be a good sport about it' lesson growing up.'"
"He sounds like a child. I'm sorry for those kids that he refuses to try and suck it up every so often for them."
"My dad was like that, put me in a weird mindset where I decided what I liked wasn't worth anything if everyone else wasn't on board."
"Needed to do lots of therapy to figure that out." ~ DeadGodJess
"NTA. I don't like Peppa Pig, but I put up with the whingey little twerp!"
"I really don't like playing Barbie but I sure as hell put on the stupid voices and played Barbies Dream House I don't like football and I hate wet muddy fields at 9 am on a Sunday morning but I stood there in the pissing rain and cheered my kid on!"
"You do things you don't like because that's what being a parent is!!"
"Keep being a top mum and let your kids grow up with no good memories of dad doing things they like with them because he is indeed a selfish pillock." ~ Abject-Strawberry525
"NTA. I HATE the beach, I would much rather be up in the mountains."
"But my kids love the beach, so summer is the beach, winter is the mountains."
"It's called compromising."
"He could even say he goes every other year."
"His kids are going to remember him not wanting to do what they want, but they are forced to do what he wants." ~ amzi95
"NTA. My mother doesn't ride roller coasters."
"She gets motion sickness even from driving down a hill too fast, never mind coasters."
"But my brother and I loved them."
"Most summers, we would go to a theme park on our family vacation."
"My dad would take us on the rides, and my mom would sit, and people watch or bring a book."
"When I was a teenager, I would ask, isn't this boring for you?"
"Wouldn't you rather be doing something you enjoy?"
"But she would say something along the lines of, summer vacations are for making fun memories for my kids, not for me to do only what I want to do."
"My mom is older and from a different school of thought that expected a full sacrifice of selfhood from parents, so I'm not necessarily saying that this is the model everyone should be following."
"What I am saying is that it's extremely immature and obnoxious for your husband to behave the way he has on the previous trips and refuse to go on any others, even when his kids are craving his attention and involvement."
"Parenting is sacrifice, and one of those sacrifices is that family vacations aren't just about you anymore."
"I have wonderful memories with my mom from our vacations, and I remember almost nothing about riding the actual rides."
"The love I felt from my parents is what always rose to the top."
"NTA - He is obviously behaving like an AH, but I'm curious what his perspective here is?"
"Is there anything more than just him hating the beach?" ~ jrm1102
"NTA. Having kids means you have to compromise and do things you wouldn't normally do for their sake."
"They are young only once, so he needs to take every opportunity he can to bond with them and make their childhood better." ~ IrrelevantManatee
The OP came back with an update.
"I'm not going to deny my kids the yearly beach vacation."
"They look forward to it all year long."
"But they are quite literally the only ones there without their dad present, and they've noticed."
"My whole extended family does not go every year."
"We don't spend the entire time together."
"There is plenty of downtime and time to be alone."
"I have suggested new places before and have been vetoed."
"His family has also wanted to do a beach trip (they love the beach), but he refuses."
"Also, he has no trauma."
"He just hates the heat and sand and says it's boring."
"We do go on smaller hiking trips throughout the year."
"Every other year, we take a long hiking trip in addition to the beach trip."
"We can only do that every other year as it isn't a free vacation."
"He has plenty of vacay time, so that's not an issue."
"He gets along with my side of the family."
"Also, in 10 years, he has only gone once."
"I didn't mind before kids, but I'd like him to go every once in a while with us."
"I do not expect every year."
"We do go on his hiking vacations multiple times a year."
"Hiking is literally the only vacation he will choose, so there is no 'compromising' on different locations."
"He has no trauma with the beach, he just doesn't think it's fun."
"I never badmouthed him in front of our children."
"I have no control over the location of this particular vacation."
"I don't mind him skipping some, but every once in a while would be nice."
"Thanks for all the comments."
"Thank you all. Have a nice day."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You have every right to be miffed with this situation.
All you want is for your family to be together on vacation.
Perhaps a conversation with a neutral third party could help? Or perhaps plan a hike along the way?
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp