Money changes lives.
Sometimes it changes lives for the good, and sometimes, it makes life more stressful.
Many people believe that when a person comes into wealth, it should be shared.
That thought process doesn't always go over well.
Redditor Important-Brain-2271 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for keeping inheritance from birth mother instead of splitting with adoptive siblings?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I just found out that my birth mother, whom I have never met, left me her whole estate ($180k)!"
"I was adopted at birth by a wonderful family with two other adopted kids."
"My siblings are now saying that it isn't fair I got everything when they also 'deserve' i,t being adopted as well."
"They want to split it three ways!"
"My parents are staying neutral, which I can tell is uncomfortable."
"The thing is, this was MY birth mother."
"She chose to find me and leave me this money."
"My siblings have their own birth families,s they could easily have a connection to someday."
"For me, this feels like my one connection to where I came from."
"Now, family dinners are awkward because my siblings barely talk to me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I being selfish keeping money that was legally left to me??"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - your siblings are entitled and irrational."
"It doesn't matter if they are adopted too - your birth mom (not theirs) left you something."
"It's yours - the only thing you'll have from a woman who birthed you and clearly never stopped loving you."
"Use this for something big - an education or towards a house."
"Don't squander it."
"Let it always remind you that the woman who conceived you never forgot you and always loved you." ~ Kami_Sang
"This. How can they remain silent?"
"This is clearly something they need to set them straight on."
"OP, NTA but your siblings are acting like profound, entitled AHs, and your parents are doing everyone a disservice by not speaking up."
"To them by not educating them, and if I were you, I'd feel betrayed." ~ Mamamamymysherona
"The adoptive parents might not be entirely happy about op getting this money and through it still having a connection to their birth mother."
"To be clear I think this kind of attitude from OP's parents is wrong but I could easily see their refusal to speak up as being some kind of passive punishment from them for accepting the money." ~ Iookingforasong
"You are certainly NTA."
"Your family is crude and greedy."
"Your inheritance is a beautiful gift."
"Your birth mother clearly loved you very much."
"For future reference, keep your financial information very private."
"Half the posts on this sub would be unnecessary if people would keep this kind of information to themselves."
"No one needs to know how much money you have or where it came from."
"I get it that you want to confide in your family but, trust me, that usually doesn't end well when it comes to money." ~ coldcanyon1633
"Please do not let your adoptive siblings bully you into sharing your inheritance."
"It is YOURS from YOUR birth mother... it wasn't meant for anyone else, and I feel your adoptive parents should say something to your siblings to help you."
"They should tell them that this money came from YOUR birth Mom and she chose to give it to you and if that were to happen to either of them, they would be keeping it for themselves as well."
"As others have said, do something worthwhile and great with your money."
"I got $30,000 one time from a job because someone pulled sexual advances on me and I was so young I did stupid stuff with the money and I squandered it quickly."
"Please don't do that... and do NOT let the siblings have it or borrow any." ~ IhavemyCat
"NTA. Your birth mother is not their birth mother."
"She made the choice to leave her estate to her child."
"Even if she had other children too, she made a will and it's legal and binding."
"She wants you to inherit her estate."
"Your siblings are absolutely not entitled to your inheritance."
"They're entitled, greedy, and jealous."
"Your biological mother has no connection to them."
"Just because they were adopted too, doesn't mean that everything you get is supposed to be split equally."
"Your parents are doing you, and their other children, a huge disservice as parents by not intervening on your behalf."
"They should be supporting you, and teaching or reinforcing their lessons that their other children are not entitled to everything everyone else gets or has."
"Staying neutral is not helping the situation and only causing unnecessary animosity, anger, resentment, stress and conflict." ~ Bluntandfiesty
"NTA. This was left to you by YOUR birth mother, who wanted to give you what she could to better your life."
"She did not want to give anything to your siblings who have no connection to her. I think it would be unfair to her to give them anything other than a slightly larger-than-usual holiday present IF you still feel like it after this grotesque behavior."
"I have to say, I don't think your parents are behaving well at all here."
"They should be firmly correcting your siblings. I suspect they have some jealous feelings themselves, that your birth mother was able to give you this." ~ Greenelse
"It would make absolutely no sense to split an inheritance from someone they're not even related to with them."
"It's weird that they're asking you to."
"If you wanted to give them some money just because you love them, that would be fine, but I don't think they have any right to demand it." ~ Brief-Hat-8140
"NTA. Your parents shouldn't be neutral at all."
"They should say, while maybe 'unfair' in their eyes, they aren't entitled to other people's money or possessions."
"It was your birth mother's money."
"It was your birth mother's choice to leave you her estate."
"She felt that pull to you and she has ZERO relationship or reason to have that split among your siblings."
"It was never intended for that. What was once her's is now yours."
"If you want to share a little bit with them, that's your choice."
"But you have no obligation to do so."
"If you decide to keep it all for yourself to set your future on a strong path forward, then you enjoy that path."
"Life can be very unfair at times, unfortunately, and we have to learn to just deal with it the best we can."
"I would love to have been born into a wealthy family or have a supermodel body... but I am very happy with who I am and where I've gone with my life." ~ CheeSupreme1743
"Your siblings seem to have gotten it into their heads that this is, like, compensation for being adopted rather than what it is: a person who has a connection to you and not them made a decision about how to spend their own money."
"The only people being selfish here are your siblings."
"I don't think much of your adoptive parents either."
"As the parental figures of these leeches, it is their job to teach them good values."
"Like that they are not entitled to things that don't belong to them."
"'Staying out of it' isn't good enough. NTA."
"As a side note, $180K might feel like a lot of money, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a modest sum."
"Like, set against the expenses of modern life."
"However, there is a lot of potential here if you manage it right."
"I strongly advise that you go to your bank and talk to a financial advisor about what's possible." ~ DemureDamsel122
"NTA. They are NOT and will never be entitled to it."
"The valuable lesson you just learned is that they value money over their relationship with you."
"Which means they are not good people. Keep that money safe and away from vultures."
"Sorry, but the only thing you can really do going forward is spend less time with them and be evasive."
"And be wary of them apologising and asking you for money, thinking they've softened you up - people can get manipulative when it comes to money." ~ Upper-File462
"NTA, that money was meant to go soley to you."
"Your birth mother didn't know your adoptive siblings, just you, and wanted you to feel set."
"Not to mention all the legal stuff that goes along with it."
"You might not even get to access it until you're older! Your adoptive parents should be shutting down your siblings and telling them to stop."
"Your siblings are being greedy." ~ cupcakemon
"NTA. Your adopted siblings have no claim to your inheritance."
"They are just being jealous and greedy."
"And, to be honest, your parents should be shutting this down instead of being cowardly and staying neutral."
"It was your birth mother's choice to give you this."
"If she had wanted you to split it with any siblings, she would have said so in her will." ~ bamf1701
"NTA, I'd like to know how your adopted siblings found out about the inheritance?"
"If it's because you're a minor, I could understand it getting out somehow due to adoptive parents inadvertently spilling the beans."
"Lesson learned: If people don't know about the money you have, they can't ask for it."
"There is a lot less drama in life that way, just my opinion." ~ Sure-Victory7172
"NTA. This is your money from your birth mother."
"If they inherit money from any birth family in the future (parents, grandparents, whatnot) then that's their money."
"If you wanted to share a bit with them, that's up to you, but they're not entitled to a cent of your money."
"Just because you're all adopted doesn't mean they have a claim to this inheritance." ~ AltruisticCableCar
"NTA - Your adoptive parents really should be shutting this down."
"Because how DARE they try to take money from someone they're not connected to, nevermind YOUR birth mom." ~ Squaaaaaasha
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is your money, from your mom.
You have no obligation to share this blessing.
If you want to be generous, that's up to you.
But your siblings are out of line.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp