Sometimes when people hear that a person is a stay-at-home parent, they'll assume that the parent is lazy or that they have an unrealistic, even enviable, amount of free time.
But scope creep is real, especially for stay-at-home parents and work-from-home employees, who have little to no division between their responsibilities to others and their responsibilities to themselves and their home, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit. For these individuals, it can be really easy to miss out on sleep and other basic necessities.
Redditor Affectionate-Ant3473 was a new mom, and she recognized that she and her husband were still adapting to new parenthood, but she felt less than supported by her husband.
Because she was becoming increasingly exhausted, and because her husband refused to give her a chance to sleep in, the Original Poster (OP) dared to admit that she felt abandoned by her husband.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by feeling abandoned and betrayed by my husband because he won't let me lie in [sleep in]?"
The OP was in desperate need of some rest.
"My (34 Female) husband (40 Male) and I have an almost one-year-old son, who is just a really sweet and happy baby and has been (aside from a few sleep regressions) a pretty good sleeper."
"Every day, my son wakes up between 5:30 AM and 6:30 AM, and I wake up with him and start my day."
"My husband usually stays in bed until he needs to get up for work (7:45 AM) during the week, and on weekends, he can stay in bed until somewhere between 10:30 and 11:30."
"I’m feeling really exhausted, and although I love the time I get to spend with my son, I’d really like a rest occasionally."
The OP's husband rarely helped her get time to herself.
"I’ve asked him to let me sleep in before, and he has a total of three times allowed me to sleep until 9:00 AM sharp."
"Then when I have been moaning that I’ve not lost any weight since my son was born and that I can’t work out properly while watching him, my husband agreed to get up with my son if I want to work out at 6:00 PM."
"He did do it a few times but just decided he was too tired after that, so I still don’t get that time for myself."
The OP lashed out at her husband about his double standards.
"Here’s where I think I am overreacting for a few reasons."
"Firstly, I lost my job in December while I was on maternity leave. I spend every nap time and as much of my evening as I can job hunting, but other than that, I have assumed the duties of a stay-at-home mum until I can actually find a job and send my son to nursery."
"So, if I’m a stay-at-home mom, I probably should be getting up with the baby every day, as that is my job, even if it wasn’t my choice."
"Secondly, last night my son woke up at about 02.30. When I got up to check on him, I found my husband getting ready for bed in the bathroom. I was surprised he was still up, and when I asked him about it, he snapped and said he was an adult and could do what he liked (he’s on annual leave today, so he doesn’t need to be up for work)."
"I snapped back and said that it didn’t seem fair that he could assume he gets to stay in bed whenever he likes when I can never assume I will get a break."
"I am completely burnt out, and he knows that, but he still thinks that staying up all night playing games is more important than giving his life partner a break."
The OP felt conflicted about the support she was receiving.
"Part of me wonders whether I’m just being tired and emotional; I know having children is hard, and lots of families have dynamics like this."
"On the other hand, I can’t help but feel like my husband is being selfish and doesn’t see my needs or care about them."
"What do you think?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some agreed with the OP that she should be able to rest when she needed to.
"'So, if I’m a SAHM, I probably should be getting up with the baby every day, as that is my job, even if it wasn’t my choice.'"
"Does your husband work seven days a week, over 16 hours a day? I doubt it. You shouldn’t have to, either." - jemison-gem
"I firmly believe that a stay-at-home parent should generally handle weekday overnight and early mornings, nearly all regular domestic tasks during working hours… But come evenings, responsibilities like dinner, dinner dishes, bath/bed time are shared."
"Weekends, the working parent gets to get up early at least one day a weekend and handle any remaining domestic chores just like they would if both parents were working out of the home."
"I’ve seen a few people on this thread and many others suggest that the SAHP should only work a 9:00 to 5:00 and then the rest of the time should be a perfectly equal split. I do not think that is reasonable if they are leaving a significant amount of domestic tasks undone during their 'SAHP working hours' and their partner is working."
"Obviously, there should be times where the working parent fully steps in while continuing to work… when the SAHP is sick, goes out of town for a little breather with friends, is preparing to host a major holiday for the family, etc." - TheCa11ousB***h
"NOR. You know your limits. You are asking for help."
"Sounds like you guys are both stressed out. But, I never understand when one parent doesn’t help the other primary caregiver when they can. Being overwhelmed with childcare is not something that you should look over."
"People make mistakes when they are overwhelmed. He is putting you and the kids' safety second if he’s ignoring you asking for support." - ABDLPwincess
"NOR. You deserve a break, and your husband needs to step up and help. He’s acting like a child while you’re raising one." - mostlyinpain_
"NOR. As a fellow man and soon-to-be husband to my beautiful fiancée, the way you just described what your husband does sounds like something a bloody teenager would do! He needs to man up, take responsibility, and remember to actually take care of his wife!"
"We’re currently trying for a baby ourselves and I’ve made it perfectly clear to my partner that we’re going 50/50 on everything such as rotating nights, who gets to sleep in etc because it genuinely disturbs me the amount of times I see men pretty much leave their partners to do everything with their child and use work as an excuse or the 'your the woman it’s your job' excuse."
"It’s actually concerning how rare it is for partners to stand up for their partners' needs. While I understand certain circumstances ie some men are working constantly to provide for the family and literally don’t have the spare time to chip in and help but the majority just don’t chip in because they just see it as the woman’s job and it’s wrong." - MrTalalaa
Others questioned if this was the kind of husband the OP wanted to stay with forever.
"Your husband is not carrying his weight in the relationship, period. And even if he was, you have said you need help, and he is not helping. Absolutely NOR. He needs to grow the f**k up." - FringeAardvark
"Your husband doesn’t care, I would question if you were the one always doing everything for him and he just did the basics?"
"Because here you are with a husband who doesn’t give a crap about your well-being. Because once there is a baby, both partners have to go beyond basics at this point." - Admirable_Chest_1905
"Doing everything alone while single is a million times better. You're not taking care of an ungrateful man-child that demands sex and disregards your feelings."
"You're not resentful that the person who vowed to love and care for you is perfectly fine watching you drown and can't be bothered to toss you a life jacket."
"Your home, while you're single, will be brighter, lighter, and happier when you finally see him for the septic dead weight he is."
"I was in your place a decade ago, and walking away was the absolute best decision I've ever made." - Only_Hour_7628
"That's a very common problem, actually, men thinking that their sleep is more important than their partners."
"I think, during the week, you both got your duties, and it makes sense that the get-up time is how it is. But weekends should be 50/50%. He can sleep as long as he wants on Sundays and you on Saturdays; that'd be fair. The other person takes care of breakfast, etc."
"He's definitely allowed to go to bed late, as long as he does his job (kids are also a job!!!). It's his business if he's tired or not. That he only agrees when you do fitness is ridiculous! That just tells me he wants you to 'get your body back' but doesn't care about your needs, only his needs and specifications."
"NOR. Get your mental load and sleep straight, he's exploiting you." - Giantstella
"NOR. You have two children. Except one, you can divorce."
"I speak from years of experience raising kids and a husband. It’s easier to be alone when you’re actually alone." - cupcakelyfe
Everyone could empathize that the OP and her husband were both new parents, both still figuring things out, and both still trying to find their stride within parenting, home, and work.
However, when a relationship involves a stay-at-home parent, the subReddit argued that the at-home parent's role should be treated like the working parent's role, with the boundary of "working hours" intact. Though their child would have needs at all hours of the day, there needed to be some "shaerd" hours where both parents were responsible and during which the OP could get some rest.
Just like a working adult could take a personal day, a sick day, or a mental health day, sometimes at-home parents will need one of those, too, and their kids will be so much better off when they receive it.
