Sometimes when people hear that a person is a stay-at-home parent, they'll assume that the parent is lazy or that they have an unrealistic, even enviable, amount of free time.
But scope creep is real, especially for stay-at-home parents and work-from-home employees, who have little to no division between their responsibilities to others and their responsibilities to themselves and their home, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit. For these individuals, it can be really easy to miss out on sleep and other basic necessities.
Redditor Affectionate-Ant3473 was a new mom, and she recognized that she and her husband were still adapting to new parenthood, but she felt less than supported by her husband.
Because she was becoming increasingly exhausted, and because her husband refused to give her a chance to sleep in, the Original Poster (OP) dared to admit that she felt abandoned by her husband.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by feeling abandoned and betrayed by my husband because he won't let me lie in [sleep in]?"
The OP was in desperate need of some rest.
"My (34 Female) husband (40 Male) and I have an almost one-year-old son, who is just a really sweet and happy baby and has been (aside from a few sleep regressions) a pretty good sleeper."
"Every day, my son wakes up between 5:30 AM and 6:30 AM, and I wake up with him and start my day."
"My husband usually stays in bed until he needs to get up for work (7:45 AM) during the week, and on weekends, he can stay in bed until somewhere between 10:30 and 11:30."
"I’m feeling really exhausted, and although I love the time I get to spend with my son, I’d really like a rest occasionally."
The OP's husband rarely helped her get time to herself.
"I’ve asked him to let me sleep in before, and he has a total of three times allowed me to sleep until 9:00 AM sharp."
"Then when I have been moaning that I’ve not lost any weight since my son was born and that I can’t work out properly while watching him, my husband agreed to get up with my son if I want to work out at 6:00 PM."
"He did do it a few times but just decided he was too tired after that, so I still don’t get that time for myself."
The OP lashed out at her husband about his double standards.
"Here’s where I think I am overreacting for a few reasons."
"Firstly, I lost my job in December while I was on maternity leave. I spend every nap time and as much of my evening as I can job hunting, but other than that, I have assumed the duties of a stay-at-home mum until I can actually find a job and send my son to nursery."
"So, if I’m a stay-at-home mom, I probably should be getting up with the baby every day, as that is my job, even if it wasn’t my choice."
"Secondly, last night my son woke up at about 02.30. When I got up to check on him, I found my husband getting ready for bed in the bathroom. I was surprised he was still up, and when I asked him about it, he snapped and said he was an adult and could do what he liked (he’s on annual leave today, so he doesn’t need to be up for work)."
"I snapped back and said that it didn’t seem fair that he could assume he gets to stay in bed whenever he likes when I can never assume I will get a break."
"I am completely burnt out, and he knows that, but he still thinks that staying up all night playing games is more important than giving his life partner a break."
The OP felt conflicted about the support she was receiving.
"Part of me wonders whether I’m just being tired and emotional; I know having children is hard, and lots of families have dynamics like this."
"On the other hand, I can’t help but feel like my husband is being selfish and doesn’t see my needs or care about them."
"What do you think?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some agreed with the OP that she should be able to rest when she needed to.
"'So, if I’m a SAHM, I probably should be getting up with the baby every day, as that is my job, even if it wasn’t my choice.'"
"Does your husband work seven days a week, over 16 hours a day? I doubt it. You shouldn’t have to, either." - jemison-gem
"I firmly believe that a stay-at-home parent should generally handle weekday overnight and early mornings, nearly all regular domestic tasks during working hours… But come evenings, responsibilities like dinner, dinner dishes, bath/bed time are shared."
"Weekends, the working parent gets to get up early at least one day a weekend and handle any remaining domestic chores just like they would if both parents were working out of the home."
"I’ve seen a few people on this thread and many others suggest that the SAHP should only work a 9:00 to 5:00 and then the rest of the time should be a perfectly equal split. I do not think that is reasonable if they are leaving a significant amount of domestic tasks undone during their 'SAHP working hours' and their partner is working."
"Obviously, there should be times where the working parent fully steps in while continuing to work… when the SAHP is sick, goes out of town for a little breather with friends, is preparing to host a major holiday for the family, etc." - TheCa11ousB***h
"NOR. You know your limits. You are asking for help."
"Sounds like you guys are both stressed out. But, I never understand when one parent doesn’t help the other primary caregiver when they can. Being overwhelmed with childcare is not something that you should look over."
"People make mistakes when they are overwhelmed. He is putting you and the kids' safety second if he’s ignoring you asking for support." - ABDLPwincess
"NOR. You deserve a break, and your husband needs to step up and help. He’s acting like a child while you’re raising one." - mostlyinpain_
"NOR. As a fellow man and soon-to-be husband to my beautiful fiancée, the way you just described what your husband does sounds like something a bloody teenager would do! He needs to man up, take responsibility, and remember to actually take care of his wife!"
"We’re currently trying for a baby ourselves and I’ve made it perfectly clear to my partner that we’re going 50/50 on everything such as rotating nights, who gets to sleep in etc because it genuinely disturbs me the amount of times I see men pretty much leave their partners to do everything with their child and use work as an excuse or the 'your the woman it’s your job' excuse."
"It’s actually concerning how rare it is for partners to stand up for their partners' needs. While I understand certain circumstances ie some men are working constantly to provide for the family and literally don’t have the spare time to chip in and help but the majority just don’t chip in because they just see it as the woman’s job and it’s wrong." - MrTalalaa
Others questioned if this was the kind of husband the OP wanted to stay with forever.
"Your husband is not carrying his weight in the relationship, period. And even if he was, you have said you need help, and he is not helping. Absolutely NOR. He needs to grow the f**k up." - FringeAardvark
"Your husband doesn’t care, I would question if you were the one always doing everything for him and he just did the basics?"
"Because here you are with a husband who doesn’t give a crap about your well-being. Because once there is a baby, both partners have to go beyond basics at this point." - Admirable_Chest_1905
"Doing everything alone while single is a million times better. You're not taking care of an ungrateful man-child that demands sex and disregards your feelings."
"You're not resentful that the person who vowed to love and care for you is perfectly fine watching you drown and can't be bothered to toss you a life jacket."
"Your home, while you're single, will be brighter, lighter, and happier when you finally see him for the septic dead weight he is."
"I was in your place a decade ago, and walking away was the absolute best decision I've ever made." - Only_Hour_7628
"That's a very common problem, actually, men thinking that their sleep is more important than their partners."
"I think, during the week, you both got your duties, and it makes sense that the get-up time is how it is. But weekends should be 50/50%. He can sleep as long as he wants on Sundays and you on Saturdays; that'd be fair. The other person takes care of breakfast, etc."
"He's definitely allowed to go to bed late, as long as he does his job (kids are also a job!!!). It's his business if he's tired or not. That he only agrees when you do fitness is ridiculous! That just tells me he wants you to 'get your body back' but doesn't care about your needs, only his needs and specifications."
"NOR. Get your mental load and sleep straight, he's exploiting you." - Giantstella
"NOR. You have two children. Except one, you can divorce."
"I speak from years of experience raising kids and a husband. It’s easier to be alone when you’re actually alone." - cupcakelyfe
Everyone could empathize that the OP and her husband were both new parents, both still figuring things out, and both still trying to find their stride within parenting, home, and work.
However, when a relationship involves a stay-at-home parent, the subReddit argued that the at-home parent's role should be treated like the working parent's role, with the boundary of "working hours" intact. Though their child would have needs at all hours of the day, there needed to be some "shaerd" hours where both parents were responsible and during which the OP could get some rest.
Just like a working adult could take a personal day, a sick day, or a mental health day, sometimes at-home parents will need one of those, too, and their kids will be so much better off when they receive it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp