While bringing a child into the world is one of the happiest moments of future parent’s life, there are elements of pregnancy and the birthing process that people do not talk about enough.
More than anything else, there are moments when a person in birth will feel incredibly alone and isolated, and they might not have had a chance to emotionally prepare for that, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Anxious_Committee_42 was so excited to invite her baby to the world and clearly told her husband that she wanted him there for the birth of their child.
But when he not only changed his mind about being in the delivery room at the last minute, but also disappeared from the scene, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she could ever trust him again, as a husband or as a father.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for leaving my husband at the hospital after he refused to be in the delivery room with me?”
The OP and her husband were excited to have their first child.
“I (29 Female) and my husband, Jake (32 Male), have been together for six years and married for three.”
“We were both ecstatic when we found out we were expecting our first child.”
“Pregnancy was tough for me, though; I had severe morning sickness, gestational diabetes, and was generally miserable.”
“But Jake was supportive and sweet the whole way through, which made it bearable.”
“As we got closer to my due date, we discussed birth plans. I was adamant that I wanted Jake in the delivery room. I needed his support, and he’d always agreed.”
But then the OP started to notice changes in her husband’s behavior.
“However, a few weeks before my due date, Jake started acting strange. He was distant, distracted, and wouldn’t engage in any baby-related discussions.”
“I thought he was just anxious about becoming a dad, so I didn’t press him too much.”
“The day I went into labor, Jake drove me to the hospital but seemed off. He was quiet and kept checking his phone.”
“When we got there, he pulled the nurse aside and spoke to her privately. She came back and told me Jake wouldn’t be in the delivery room because he was ‘uncomfortable with blood and medical procedures.'”
“I was stunned. He’d never mentioned this before. I begged him to stay and told him I needed him, but he just kept saying, ‘I can’t do this.'”
The OP struggled through the birthing process alone.
“I was heartbroken and furious, but I didn’t have much time to dwell on it as my contractions were getting stronger.”
“Jake said he’d be in the waiting room and kissed me on the forehead before leaving. I was left alone, crying and feeling utterly abandoned.”
“Labor was long, painful, and traumatic. I was alone the entire time except for the medical staff.”
“When our son was finally born, I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. The nurse handed me my son, and all I felt was a deep sadness that Jake wasn’t there to share this moment.”
“After I was taken to a recovery room, I asked the nurse to get Jake.”
“She came back and said he’d left the hospital hours ago. I couldn’t believe it.”
“I called him repeatedly, but he didn’t answer. Finally, I sent him a text saying I was done and he could find his own way home.”
“I didn’t see him until the next day. He showed up at the hospital with flowers and an apology, saying he’d panicked and needed some air. He claimed he’d gone home to shower and change and fell asleep, which I didn’t buy for a second.”
The OP confronted her husband.
“I told him I didn’t believe him. I was overwhelmed with anger and hurt, and I told him he had let me down in the worst possible way.”
“He kept apologizing, saying he knew he’d messed up and he’d do anything to make it right.”
“I didn’t want him near me or our son at that moment, so I asked him to leave.”
“He tried to protest, but I told him I needed time to process everything.”
“He left, and I spent the rest of my hospital stay alone with my baby, trying to grapple with the enormity of what had happened.”
“Since then, Jake has been trying to make amends. He’s been taking parenting classes, attending therapy, and is constantly trying to be present and supportive.”
“But I can’t shake the feeling of betrayal. He abandoned me at one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. Every time I look at him, I remember being alone in that delivery room, terrified and in pain, wondering why the person who promised to be by my side wasn’t there.”
The family was divided over what Jake had done.
“My family is split. Some think I’m being too hard on Jake, that he made a mistake and is clearly remorseful. They say he’s a good father and partner otherwise, and I should focus on moving forward for the sake of our child.”
“Others think what he did was unforgivable and I should leave him. They believe I’ll never truly trust him again, and that’s no foundation for a marriage.”
“I’m torn. I do still love him, and I know he loves me and our son. But part of me wonders if I’ll ever get over this. Was it just a moment of weakness on his part, or a sign of something deeper that I can’t overlook?”
“Am I wrong for leaving him at the hospital and for now considering leaving him for good?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn’t imagine ever trusting the husband again if they were the OP.
“The thing is, where did he disappear to? He totally left the hospital. I don’t know if I’d be able to trust him again. What if a serious issue arises in the future, though hopefully not; would he abandon you then and just ‘apologize’ again?” – Charming_Opening8282
“What if you had died in labor is the main thing I keep thinking about in this situation. You could’ve ended up in a coma. It could’ve been an emergency c-section and he would’ve been gone for all of that, what could have happened? What excuse would he have then?”
“Just because you made it through fine (thank goodness) doesn’t suddenly give him an excuse for what he did.” – YeehawSugar
“NTA. I would never, ever be able to get past this. Ever.”
“He’s shown you that when push comes to shove, he thinks of only himself, not you and not your child.” – Devi_Moonbeam
“I think the part that disturbs me the most about this is that OP had no one else there.”
“If I somehow did need to go home during something like labor, I would at the very least make sure that someone else was there to pick up the slack and make medical decisions.”
“Her labor was long, traumatic, and painful; what would have happened if they needed to do an emergency procedure?”
“As a guy, I can’t imagine dropping the ball like this. She didn’t just need him there for emotional support, and I’m amazed some of her family doesn’t see that! Maybe this is too aggressive, but I’d start asking these family members if they would have forgiven Jake if OP died at the hospital.” – ConstructionNo9678
“What you tolerate now and accept will only be the new boundary that will get pushed and tested next time. And deep down, if you know what he did is wrong and accept it anyway, it will be harder to push back because you have damaged your self-respect and self-esteem. This is how abuse starts.” – 888_traveler
Others were certain that Jake’s change in behavior was a sure sign of an affair.
“Girl, it’s the checking out weeks before and being on his phone all the time for me.”
“I’m sorry to say it, but I bet dollars to donuts he was and is cheating. I think if you checked the phone records, you probably wouldn’t like what you saw.”
“This marriage would be OVER for me. NTA.” – meghonsolozar
“I hate to say this, and it’s rare for me to jump to this conclusion, but becoming distant like that is a sign of cheating. Most men who cheat do so when their partner is heavily pregnant or just gave birth.” – Queen_Andromeda
“Why did he keep checking his phone? That’s totally suspicious to me. I think there was more going on than showers and sleeping…” – its1966
“His not speaking and f**king off is the proof. He’s not talking to anyone because there’s no way he’d be able to cover up where he was, if really pressed.”
“You need to know one key thing, the first temporary order of custody in a divorce almost always dictates the rest of the divorce proceedings. Get a top-of-the-line divorce attorney to file for you immediately and slam the f**k out of your soon-to-be ex-husband while he’s still on the run.”
“Lock s**t down and use his behavior to get sole custody. A man who abandons his wife as she gives birth has proven he cannot be responsible for an infant. Get an attorney that will be aggressive out of the gate, don’t give your soon-to-be ex-husband any room to come back and ask for shared custody.”
“Hit while the iron is hot; judges hate a**holes like this, don’t give him time to rehabilitate his image.” – howigottomemphis
“OP, my son’s dad did something similar. Except I went into preterm labor at 20 weeks, he kept leaving out and coming back and not texting back. But he would be gone for hours at a time.”
“Turns out, he was leaving me to go cry to another girl about how hurt he was for getting me pregnant (and ended up having sex with her at the same time), and she was pregnant already, too.”
“He wasn’t upset about the fact we just lost a child but was upset that she found out about me being pregnant in general. When that was supposed to be ‘my man,’ but he was just playing both sides.”
“I only found all of this out later when the other woman ended up texting me, sending screenshots and all of that. And I was pregnant again by that time.”
“He came to me saying he wished he never got her pregnant and wished the baby she was pregnant with would die. He’s such a piece of s**t. He’s not in my living son’s life, period.”
“But I have the beautiful memory of knowing that while my heart was shattering holding my child who lived for an hour at 20 weeks, he was out making another baby he wished would die.”
“Save yourself the stress, OP. You are NTA.” – stayrealgleeful
No one in the subReddit had anything kind to say about the OP’s husband. Not only did he wait until they were in the hospital to spill the beans that he was “uncomfortable” being there for the birth, but he also went totally radio silent and did not answer the OP until the next day.
Even if he hadn’t been cheating, which seemed like a probable explanation, he still wasn’t there when the OP needed him. Even though she didn’t end up in an emergency, her birthing process was still long and painful.
All his actions did was cause trauma for the OP and teach her that she could not depend on the person she should be able to trust the most in the world. It’s hard, if not impossible, to come back from and heal that.