Even though couples promise "forever" and "through the good times and bad," sometimes they'll do something to their partner that is so deeply hurtful that their partner cannot imagine forgiving them or trusting them again.
Because how could someone love someone else and betray them like that, criticized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor JuggernautNo901 thought she had a good, loving husband, but when it was time to give birth, he vanished to take a nap, claiming he was preparing to care for the baby.
But when he was gone for two hours, and the Original Poster (OP) had to go through multiple birthing complications alone, she wasn't sure if she could ever forgive him or believe in their marriage again.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for not forgiving my husband after he left me alone for two hours during childbirth?"
The OP's husband was quick to make her first childbirth about him.
"I gave birth to my first child this summer. Beforehand, I was clear with my husband that I needed him present."
"After we arrived at the clinic, he started complaining that his chair was uncomfortable."
"He told me he wanted to go home (we live 10 minutes away from the clinic) to take a pillow, have lunch, and take a nap."
"I told him that I wanted him here with me and that he could go home to grab a quick lunch and take a pillow back, but no nap, and I was hoping he could be back as soon as possible."
"He left and only came back two hours later. He had called his family and his friend (not my family or friends, though), had lunch, and napped on the sofa."
The OP had to do multiple things alone that she wanted support for.
"I was fine when he was away. I had the epidural. But at some point, the baby's heart rate plummeted. Midwives made me switch position, and it came back to normal."
"A couple of minutes after he was back, I had incredibly strong contractions without rest between them. He really was incredible and helped me a lot through them. But it was lucky it didn't start just minutes earlier."
"One hour later, the baby's heart rate plummeted again. But this time, it was not coming back up. The doctors were called in, and I had an instrumental vaginal delivery that was very intense."
The OP couldn't look at her husband the same way after he stepped out.
"I now have the most perfect baby boy, but I have a hard time letting go of what happened during his birth, and it is still a bittersweet moment for me."
"I want to forgive my husband. He said he is very sorry, and it was a mistake. But I can't actually forgive."
"I think there are two things that really anger me:"
"The 'What if' my baby's heart rate dropped when he was away. If it didn't go back to normal, I would have required an emergency C-section, and he wouldn't have been here to welcome our son."
"The second is that I have a hard time asking for help. In my most vulnerable time, I was able to verbalise what I needed (and I'm proud of myself for that), but he still chose to ignore it."
"Am I overreacting by not forgiving him? Even if he is an amazing and very present dad?"
"AIO?"
The OP also edited the post to include this clarification:
"Editing to add: I just want to add a bit about his thought process on it, even if it doesn't excuse his behaviour."
"He was SO convinced that labor was going to last 24 hours that he wanted to rest to be fresh and ready for us on the finish line."
"But I needed him now, and it was already the finish line."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were infuriated by the husband prioritizing his comfort over the OP's during delivery.
"He was uncomfortable? HE was uncomfortable!?" - draynaccarato
"It is infuriating that he was worried about HIS comfort and energy levels when she was in labour."
"OP's edit doesn't help. Even if he was genuinely convinced labour would be a full day, she told him that she needed him there as support. And anyone who has spent more than 5 minutes learning about childbirth knows that complications can happen at any point."
"I honestly don't think I could get past this. I would be so filled with contempt and anger at him for abandoning me for a d**n nap. It would be incredibly difficult to ever trust him again."
"I'm not necessarily saying this is divorce-worthy. But he would have to f*cking grovel. And even a genuine apology, he would need to accept the consequence that it could take years of consistently stepping up before I might trust him again." - thoughtandprayer
"No one, not the mom, the midwife, the baby, or god above, knows how long labor is going to last. Wonder where husband got that 24-hour figure from. Probably HIS A**." - floofienewfie
"Labor is uncomfortable for him? Who even knew he might feel uncomfortable or need to sleep!"
"My diagnosed narcissist ex-husband was there for me, fully present, with a catcher's mitt. (Because he wanted to play with his baby. I was the means to that end, and he did appreciate that. It's ironic how he seemed like such a great partner. There were so many men like OP's husband that they made my ex look angelic.)"
"I don't care if he thought it was going to take a long time or if his back hurt. He should have been there in case something happened, and guess what: it did, and he wasn't there for you when it mattered. NOR until the cows come home, and even then." - Mundane-Currency5088
"NOR. He didn't make a mistake; he did exactly what he wanted, despite his wife, in the hospital, laboring to deliver their child, saying she needed him beside her, and also expecting him back within 30 minutes, rather than two hours."
"He intentionally ignored her wishes and let her watch the clock waiting for him because he wanted a nap, despite labor being a moment when her needs and comfort ought to be centered and his focus, especially, prioritised over his desire for a nap."
"He was selfish in a way he knew would hurt his wife because they had talked about this, and he knew she expected him back earlier. His apology doesn't address this, and so it's not genuine. He probably just wants her to stop complaining about it, especially since he's making excuses and there's no mention of him doing anything to try and make it up to her or show he'll put her needs over his own."
"Trust would be very hard to restore, and it doesn't even sound like he's trying... Poor OP." - Two-Theories
Others pointed out that it wasn't an accident or misunderstanding that caused the husband to not be there; it was his choice.
"NOR. It was not a mistake; it was a choice. Selfish, lazy, reckless choice, completely disregarding you. I would not be able to forgive or forget, so I am not judging you." - Impressive-Union6961
"As a guy who also has two children, your husband is unbelievable. Does he know it's not the 1800s anymore? This wouldn't have even crossed my mind as a possibility. I'm honestly mind blown by the selfishness." - IncomeFew624
"I can't even fathom a spouse wanting to leave their partner who is in active labor to take a nap. I can't even believe he would go home for a pillow and food. I would find it really hard to ever trust that this person loved me and our child if I were abandoned like that."
"1000% NOR." - DangerLime113
"He has the audacity to complain about an uncomfortable chair when his wife is literally about to push a human out of her body. What a manchild."
"NOR, and actually, OP needs to react more to this!"
"I also want to say that it would be interesting to know how much he looked after OP and baby after the birth, as he was 'fresh and ready,' or if OP is doing the lion's share while husband is being a second child she has to care for."
"What is the point in being 'fresh and ready' when you're about to go through severe sleep deprivation and exhaustion looking after a new baby. Like I'm sure a two-hour nap will turn him into Superman..."
"Stories like this are why I'm single and child-free because I'm too aware how hard it is and couldn't cope if my husband started pulling antics like this. He'd be out the door."
"Stuff like this is just a symptom of his true behavior, and his behavior is a major red flag. Hoping OP starts to see husband for who he really is."
"Again, AGAIN, NOR." - nicj_29
"I have strong suspicions that it will only get worse from here and that your husband is going to be 'napping' through a lot of the struggles in your life. It's up to you to decide whether you'll settle for that treatment."
"NOR." - LissaBryan
The subReddit was resoundingly disgusted by how the husband treated the OP, and they collectively agreed that they would struggle to ever forgive and trust the OP's husband again, if they deemed that as a possibility at all.
For most, it was too glaring an offense, too selfish, and far too indicative of the life that was to come.
If the husband was prepared to walk out during the birth of his first child, there was no telling what other moments, important and complicated alike, that he'd just as willingly dip out for.
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