A lot of people have experienced being ghosted by a friend whenever they're dating someone new. Suddenly their significant other is their only focus and priority.
It sucks, but sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don't care, but because they don't.
Things aren't quite so simple when the person with changed priorities is a parent. And their children are still children.
An adult daughter with younger siblings turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her mother's shifted focus.
Brilliant-Aside3626 asked:
"AITA for telling my mom she'll regret picking her husband over her children?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (23, female) and my husband (22, male) moved in with my mom over the summer to help my mom with her bills and to help take care of my three younger siblings."
"The main reason for this move was because I did not want her to get back with her 'boyfriend' that she had been dating on and off for the past 7-8 years. Not long after we moved in, she starts talking to him again after repeatedly telling me she was never going to get back together with him."
"She then goes on to marry him and since then has taken on this mentality that she is his wife and has responsibilities towards him so she has to be with him 24/7. Which in turn meant to me and my siblings that we would see her less because he does not live with us."
"Ever since she got married, she goes directly to him after work and the only time my siblings see her is in the mornings when she takes them to school, she's not even home during the weekends."
"My husband fortunately does not mind since he hasn't really taken the role of 'dad'—he is more of an older brother to them. His only issue is the obvious stress and disappointment my mom's absence has caused."
"Recently this past weekend, me and her ended up arguing over text because my siblings miss their mom and wanted to see her."
"She then chooses to instead of coming to see her kids to call them and tell them that she is too busy to see them and that when she was there that all they did was play video games, but now that she's with her husband they suddenly 'miss her' and want to 'spend time with her'."
"This made my siblings sad which naturally made me step in and tell her off. I told her she can't be serious right now and that obviously her children are going to miss her."
"That even though they might have a roof over their heads and food, that doesn't mean they don't still need their mother's presence more than just a few minutes in the morning when they're going to school."
"I told her she can't seriously be picking a man that has literally shown he does not care about her over her children who do love her."
"She responded by telling me the same thing she told my siblings—that when she was with us that my siblings didn't appreciate her and that they just spend their time playing games."
"I'm like be so for real you're resenting them as if they're not literally children where's that energy with that man that has literally done nothing good for us. She's like oh so I'm a bad mom, okay that's fine you'll regret your words one day."
"She then hangs up on me and refuses my calls and texts my sister telling her she's not going to talk to me. So I texted her and told her the one that's going to regret her words is you and you'll be sorry for picking a man over your children."
"The day you learn to not put a man on a pedestal is the day you'll get your blessings. It's a serious mental problem to be so attached to a man."
"That I love her but I know she's not okay by doing what she's doing. She's now no longer talking to me and only contacts my siblings."
"AITA or was this a reality check my mom needed?"
The OP later added:
"Since I didn't include their ages in the original post, my siblings are 10, male; 13, male; and 15, female. In case you're wondering my mom's age, she's 40 and her new husband is about 50/60, I'm not entirely sure his exact age."
"Her husband and my siblings do not get along and he refuses to come live with them."
"Like I mentioned in the post, they were in an on/off relationship for many years and most of those years he would use my siblings as a reason for not doing more for her saying they're messy and don't listen (they were 3, 6, and 9 when they first started dating)."
"Their dad is 38. For those wondering where their dad is, he is still in the picture, but he also has a new partner. He comes to visit them once or twice a week sometimes and buys them food and clothes."
"He is supposed to be giving my mom child support, but he's not always very timely about it. I also want to acknowledge my mom does contribute financially to them still, the only issue is she is not here physically with them as often as she should be."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I told my mom she'll regret picking a man over her children. Which is mean and not something you should say to your mom."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Your mom has abandoned her children. You need to get Child Services involved."
"If you are willing and able to care for them, they won't have to go to foster care, and you'll be able to access healthcare and dental, as well as receive a stipend for their care."
"Your mom should be in jail. It's time she faces the consequences of her actions." ~ PettyLabelleOtheBall
"So you move in to help her take care of the bills and children, and she takes off? She needs to grow up and take responsibility."
"You're already helping her out. How dare she make you the main caretaker of her children! NTA."
"Call CPS today, get legal custody of the children, and get her on child support. She how fast she stops being a selfish good for nothing." ~ jojo_jones
"NTA. This sounds like mom planned this all out, the fake 'breaking up' to get you/husband to move back in and take care of her home and her minor-aged children; now she can freely go live with her new husband, coz YOU are now running everything."
"You should not be helping take care of bills AND raising siblings with YOUR money. She should be paying you child support."
"If this were me? I'd tell dear old mom that you/husband are moving back out, you have sent all of her communications between you and the children to Child Protective Services, and she needs to handle however this all falls out."
"How were these minor-aged children being taken care of before you moved back in? Who was watching them, food, needs, homework, doc appts, etc then?"
"Or tell her that you are taking her to court, using this history and her communication texts as a LEGAL primary caregiver for those 3 underage siblings, you will be taking her to court for general home costs, utilities, child support, etc..."
"Makes me wonder what kind of home life these kids had before you moved in, sounds like child neglect to me." ~ NCKALA
"As a social worker hearing this, I would report it as abandonment. Your siblings aren't old enough to take care of themselves and you're not their primary caregiver."
"Your mother has a responsibility to her underaged children, and as others mentioned, I'd remind her of that." ~ Nicolozolo
"It's a CPS story waiting to implode. Parents, especially custodial parents, are expected to reside with their minor children."
"It's so beyond an argument, it's criminal negligence. NTA." ~ 2dogslife
"OP you are NTA. Parenting is a thankless job. But your mom doesn't get to just pawn off her kids because they aren't as grateful and attentive as she would like."
"They don't owe her undying fealty, she isn't their sovereign lord. They are human beings who have their own thoughts, feelings, and interests and are behaving how normal teens and pre-teens act."
"They want mom around, but aren't going to want attention 100% of the time. If she wants someone to worship her and pay her ego constant attention, she should get a dog." ~
"The mother has been raising kids since she was 17 and it sounds like she's just decided she's done with it. These kids need a long-term solution. NTA." ~ Aylauria
"I bet this was Mum's plan the whole time. Moved in with another adult so she could ditch her kids. What a vile person. NTA." ~ crankygingerninja
"The children's primary caregiver is hardly in the same house as them. That is a huge safety issue worthy of calling CPS."
"The primary caregiver is the one who's supposed to have all the kids' medical info in the event of an emergency. If your mom has physically, mentally, and emotionally abandoned these kids while giving you no legal authority to act as their guardian, those kids are in danger."
"NTA, but stop enabling her, report her to CPS. Don't let the youngest suffer eight more years of neglect." ~ I_wanna_be_anemone
"I agree with calling CPS on her. Tell them you need (if you & hubby are on the same page) legal custody for school and medical emergencies."
"You also want child support for all 3 until they are 18. Mother also needs to sign the house over to you if that is where she wants kids to live."
"If not, tell her as soon as CPS makes their decisions, you will be moving kids where you want to be. Keep your siblings informed. If they don't like your decisions, then they need to step up and tell them so."
"When your mom complains to everyone how unfair you are calling CPS on her, ask them what they would do in a medical emergency, and mom was too busy with her new husband to answer the calls. As soon as the house is gone, and she has to pay child support, the husband will run." ~ Ok_Resource_8530
This situation is not just upsetting for the OP and their siblings.
It may also be illegal.
Finding out might be the OP's next best step.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp