As sad as it is to think about, not all relationships are meant to last forever. Sometimes people grow apart or, as cold-hearted as it sounds, grow tired of their current relationship and want to look elsewhere.
But it seems evilly timed to break up with someone right after they had a baby, when they likely already had suspicions that they wouldn't want to stay together with her in the long run, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor aelewis92 had been with her partner for more than a decade, had married him, and had a baby with him, only for him to grow abusive and distant while she was pregnant, and to end their marriage after the baby was born.
Feeling lost, heartbroken, and alone, the Original Poster (OP) at first tried to make the relationship last, before realizing that she might be better off single than with her estranged partner.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by blocking my husband's number after leaving me and our seven-month-old baby?"
The OP's husband left her when he wasn't interested in their marriage anymore.
"I (33 Female) am a new mom to a beautiful seven-month-old baby."
"Unfortunately, I'm navigating deep heartbreak as my husband and the child's father (33 Male), someone I've been dating since I was 19 and who I've been married to for two years, chose to leave 'because he's not feeling it anymore.'"
The OP's husband started being abusive and distant during the pregnancy.
"Don't get me wrong, there were signs. During my pregnancy, as I got bigger, he seemed to resent my requests for help around the house."
"At one point, when I asked for help taking the garbage out, he said, 'If you want something done, do it yourself.' I fell twice taking the garbage out and was shocked at his callousness."
"This is a man who was happily in love with me for our relationship and through our wedding, and who I've moved across the country with multiple times, and with whom I share three amazing animals with, and now a baby."
"Since giving birth, he's made allusions to my weight gain and hormonal fluctuation, which has made me very emotional."
"All of this has led to his decision one month after the baby was born to leave me because 'he's not in it anymore.'"
"He moved out, and I am the primary caretaker, with him visiting sometimes after work or on his off days."
At first, the OP hoped that the relationship would heal and continue as normal.
"For months, I've plastered a smile on my face and hoped and prayed that he would realize what he's losing and want to shape up."
"That's not the case. I asked this week to go to couples therapy, which he is refusing to do because, 'it won't fix anything.'"
The OP finally decided to take the next step for herself and for her baby.
"I accept that he doesn't want me in his life, but my loved ones around me are urging me to take control and stop letting him walk all over me."
"As such, I've blocked his number and told him that if he wants to see his baby, we can meet at a fixed location (my dad's) so I can avoid the heartbreak and anguish of seeing him at our house."
"He thinks I'm overreacting and doesn't understand why we can't handle this amicably."
"What everyone else sees is an overwhelmed, scared, heartbroken mother who's been forced into single mom-dom."
"Am I overreacting by blocking his number and having him see his child only if it's at my dad's house? And am I overreacting for wanting to protect myself by speaking with an attorney instead of an unbiased mediator?"
"I'm deep in postpartum depression and am seeking counseling, but wanted more unbiased opinions as I've seen fellow heartbroken moms post here about similar situations."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some agreed with the OP's family and urged her to fully move on.
"NOR. He's a sack of sh*t for stepping out on you. Also a major d*ck for being extremely unhelpful during your pregnancy."
"Keep doing what you're doing. Don't attempt to work things out with this man." - Fearless_Friend7447
"NOR. His version of "amicable" is walking all over her. By blocking him and meeting in a more neutral location, she is actually doing things the amicable way while respecting herself."
"She needs to get a lawyer and go after him for anything she can get. She's a brand new single mom with three pets, and he thinks he can leave every responsibility behind and put it all on her, including his own child, and just act like a single dude again? Nahh." - ThrowRA_iiidk
"NOR, it sounds like he's been cruel and dismissive from the start, even when you were at your most vulnerable. Blocking him was a way of protecting your peace and your baby's stability. He walked away, so it makes sense you'd draw firm boundaries now."
"Keep focusing on you and your little one. You're making the right call here." - xStarryBella
"Don't try to work things out with him. A man who walked out on his wife and newborn is not someone you want to fix things with. Ever. Never get back with him."
"And that sounds hard now, because you still have feelings for him, and you're grieving, and he's made you feel unsure of your own ability and decisions. But you've got this!"
"You're going to get legal counsel and a court-ordered co-parenting plan and a therapist, and you're going to be fine!" - inkfoibles
"Make yourself a playlist of all the 'Dumped Him and Better Off for It' movies and songs you can find. Get a mantra. Forget about the counseling and focus on your own therapy..."
"Whatever it takes not only to NOT go back to him, but to get to you a place where you're disgusted by the idea of it and wonder how you ever thought it was an option. Because it isn't one."
"What. An. A**. Is. He. NOR." - Depth_Vegetable
"A woman will never forget how a man treated her when she was at her most vulnerable, and how dare he put down the same body that gave him his child. NOR." - SleepyCupcakeDreams
Others urged the OP to hire an attorney to navigate the divorce and coparenting details.
"TAKE HIM TO COURT!! The thing that'll hurt him the most is court-ordered child support and set visitations. Do NOT deviate from orders! Good luck, Mom!" - Pencil122127
"Lawyer up. Get child support and a court-ordered visitation schedule."
"I hope you have a lot of his comments in texts; if so, print them out. He is a major a**hole and I think already has a new honey."
"Don't let him visit when he wants to, but if you do, make sure your Dad is there to witness it all. Your husband is a stranger to your child. This is so sad." - lovenorwich
"He wants you to handle it amicably, by which he means you should have no feelings, and he should have no consequences, just because he abandoned his wife and infant child."
"Oh h**l no. You need a lawyer, and now. Seeing the baby at a third location without whining about it is the very least he should do." - PomegranateZanzibar
"Insist on a coparenting app for all communication with him, so you can keep him blocked everywhere else. And arrange for supervised visitation with the baby, but with your in-laws or your parents, not with you, so that you won't have to be in his presence. I'd cut him out of your life completely."
"He only wants to stay unblocked so he can be updated about your life. All discussions about your baby should be done through a coparenting app, and any other conversation topics, you should grey rock him."
"He made his decision, so let him live with it. It's hard being a single mom, I know (single mum of six for many years), but once you get used to it and step into your stride, you'll be glad to be alone. Good luck!" - damebabyz56
"OP, please do what you can to take care of yourself. It's an incredibly fragile time even without having to navigate a divorce."
"If you're nursing, the stress can affect your supply, so be prepared for that and have a backup plan. Keep taking your prenatal vitamins. Sleep as much as you can. Get outside in the sunshine. Find a therapist who will allow you to bring your baby if you need to. Join a mother's group."
"Take advantage of any resources you can, like WIC, and reduced cost YMCA. Most YMCAs will have free childcare for members. I used to put my baby there and just sit in the lobby and read a book for an hour."
"I credit that with literally saving my life sometimes. If family and friends offer vaguely to help, have specific things you can ask for. People really do want to help, but don't often know how. Ask them to make you a freezer meal, or just meet for coffee in the park."
"I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your baby. Unfortunately, I know several women in my social circle with alarmingly similar stories. I hope you will come through this stronger and more resilient than ever."
"Sending you and your baby so much love and strength." - Runny-Yolks
"You can't just destroy someone else's life and say you want to have amicable relationships. They were married and she was pregnant, he knew what sacrifices she had made for him and how she was struggling during some things like garbage during pregnancy."
"She should not have to deal with him at all, and it can go through mediation."
"And he better be paying child support before seeing the child at all. NOR." - Live_Angle4621
Though the subReddit could understand a relationship not lasting forever and two people growing apart, the fact that the OP's husband waited until right after they had a baby to decide that he "wasn't feeling" their relationship anymore felt uniquely deplorable.
It was important for the OP to see her ex's lack of respect, love, and care for what it was and realize that she deserved much better in the form of a genuine support system that would set her single mom life up for success, starting with staying close to her family and finding a good attorney.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp