It's always a challenge when parents separate.
Making it all the more important that, despite no longer being romantically attached, these parents work hard to maintain a healthy and stable environment for their children.
Most work hard to do this, putting any harm or pain aside, only thinking of their child's best interests.
Others, however, have trouble letting go of their anger and animosity, with some even going to great lengths to make life as difficult as possible for their former partners.
Despite being separated, Redditor No-Stay8551 and their partner seemed to have a stable arrangement when it came to caring for their daughter.
Things got a bit more complicated, however, when the original poster (OP)'s ex-girlfriend got a new job, resulting in her requesting the OP to make significant changes to their own life.
Changes the OP was completely unwilling to make.
Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here?" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"My ex girlfriend has taken a new job 100 miles from home and is planning on commuting...AITAH for not changing my work arrangements to suit her?"
The OP explained why they were not willing to make professional adjustments to accommodate their ex-girlfriend:
"So basically, my ex girlfriend and I separated 7 years ago, we have a daughter together while I have 2 daughters from a previous relationship."
"We have both moved on with our lives (I'm due to marry in 18 months and she got engaged last Christmas) and we have shared custody of our daughter 50:50."
'On the days I have my daughter, I have to collect and leave her to school and she would organize the other days, which means I have to leave work early on days and arrive late on days."
"Thankfully my employer has been very understanding and has accommodated my situation as long as hours are made up, which would involve me being available on weekends for emergencies."
"Not an ideal situation, but it works."
"Anyways, the ex has taken up a job 100 miles away and her plan is to commute daily."
"I have my opinions on that, but not my monkey, not my circus."
"She had arranged for her dad to collect daughter on her days and what seems like a noble idea and a great solution, reality has set in and he finds his days are restricted either collecting daughter or leaving to school, and the novelty has passed and has pretty much told her that he won't be as available as he promised."
"Now this leaves her pretty much up sh*t creek as she has no one else to call upon to collect and leave to school."
"She has asked me to work from home 3-4 days per week which would allow her to continue her role 100 miles away and ensure daughter is collected on time each day."
"This isn't an option for me, and in telling her that I can't accept these changes, she's accusing me of clinging to the past, being bitter about the break up and doing my best to sabotage and stifle her career."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community vehemently agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to adjust their work schedule to accommodate their ex-girlfriend.
Everyone agreed that the new work schedule of the OP"s ex ultimately wasn't going to be fair to anyone, herself included, with some urging the OP to reevaluate their custody agreement:
"None of this is a you problem."
"It is moronic to drive 200 miles a day, also, FFS."
"NTA."- bonniemick
"Time for a formal custody agreement approved by a judge."
"NTA."- spiritoftg
'Dude you know very well you’re NTA here.'
'This is an INSANELY ridiculous request."- HUNGWHITEBOI25
"NTA and I'm not sure everyone here understands how custody arrangements work.'
"She is responsible for getting kiddo to school on her days, leave that responsibility with her."
"Since you aren't obligated to arrange for childcare or pick-up/drop off arrangements on her days, I would just politely say that unfortunately you are not able to change your work schedule."
"Hopefully she can figure it out with the money she's making from her new job haha."
"Don't let her try to make you feel bad!"
"You keep doing right by you and your kid & let mom be bitter about her choices all she wants."- alie_ns
"'This isn't an option for me'."
"NTA."
"That's all you need to say."
"If she doesn't like that, she can try and go to court to modify the custody arrangement, but I can't imagine a judge would be very sympathetic to the person who decided to take a job 100 miles away and try to commute daily with it."- Thistime232
"NTA."
"She made a choice that complicated everything for everyone, including herself and your child."
"I understand that she thought she had all the bases covered, but it wasn't your decision, and her consequences are now becoming everyone else's problem."
"If her fiancé is available & able, why is he not stepping up to help?"
"He's about to become the child's Step-Father."
"There are services that will handle after-school babysitting/transportation."
'If an appropriate one is affordable, and you genuinely can't help, she needs to foot that bill and make it happen."
'It sounds like she hasn't faced the facts that you have fewer options available to you when you're a Single Mom."- Leevamark
'She can hire someone to babysit and pick up from school."- Garden_gnome1609
"NTA."
"She has changed the conditions under which your custody arrangement was set."
"Suggest you go back to family court to have the custody arrangement changed to better meet the needs of your child."
"Also, is there before- and after-school care that could be used?"
"On her days, she may need to pay for that as a service, or see if there is another paid service she can use for morning drop off and afternoon pickup."- Grand-Fun-206
"'She has asked me to work from home 3-4 days per week, which would allow her to continue her role 100 miles away'."
"If OP working from home is such an easy ask, why doesn't SHE ask to work from home?"
"No 100 miles commute for her!"
"She knows it's unreasonable to ask, but she's doing it to blame OP for the problem she created."
"NTA."- bythebrook88
"NTA."
"And don't allow her to gaslight you into thinking you are."
'As you said, not your monkey not your circus."- brianSIRENZ
"It's an unreasonable request."- RainbowSherbert-2035
"NTA."
"She needs to arrange care for her child on the days she is responsible for her."
"Sucks that her dad went back on his word, but that's not your problem."
"Most schools that I've worked at have some sort of before/after care program."
"She should look into that."- blackivie
"NTA."
"Your ex made a dumb decision without really thinking it through."
"Considering her dad bailed due to the 'inconvenience' sounds like 'not thinking things through' is an inherited trait."- ComprehensivePut5569
"NTA this takes a 3-sentence reply:"
"'What you do in your life is your business'."
"'What I do in my life is my business'."
"'Please do not assume you can rely on me changing my life and routine to accommodate your life'."
"Good Lord, some people are purely Takers, and suck the energy out of others in order to cope with life."
"She needs reminder of her child responsibilities and priorities."- justcallmeteegee
"She chose to take a job 100miles from where she lives."
"It’s not your responsibility to adjust your life to support her poor decisions."- Mhunterjr
"NTA."
"Divorced Dad here with 50/50 split custody."
"While I'm happy to pick up the kids on occasion when it's her week to have them because something unexpected came up, that's the exception, not the rule.'
'She needs to figure out her life without expecting you to pick up her slack, and you need to let her sink or swim in her own."
"I know it's hard sometimes, especially if it's negatively affecting your daughter, but unless it's causing her major problems you need to be hands off until it rises to that level."- throwaway47138
If the welfare of their children should be their top priority, it is also important for separated parents to take care of themselves and move on with their lives.
Something one imagines will not be helped by a 100-mile commute.
Hopefully, the OP's ex will take some time to stop and consider the toll this job is already taking on her entire family, and whether or not it will be worth it in the end.
