Losing a beloved pet is an emotional blow for many people. But is it a reasonable excuse for missing work?
Some people believe so, but others do not.
A volunteer at a community radio show turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after a dispute over time off for his pet.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Philastotle asked:
"AITAH for wanting to quit my unpaid co-host role after being told I couldn’t cancel when my pet was dying?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (33, male) am a co-host on community radio show focused on men’s mental health. It’s unpaid and something I do as a hobby, but it’s a pretty big commitment. I drive about 3 hours each way every week to be there. On top of co-hosting, I also manage the show’s social media and Spotify (editing, uploading, posting, etc.)."
"Recently, one of my pets became seriously ill and had surgery. The morning of the show, I found out things weren’t looking good and there was a real chance we might have to put him down that day. I messaged the main host to let him know I couldn’t make it. Background, he works in the mental health space and has a bachelor in health science."
This was the exchange:
Me: 'Hey man, can’t make it to the show tonight, one of the pets is really sick at the vet and we might have to put him down tonight. Was really hoping for some good news this morning after his operation but unfortunately not :('."
"Him: 'We have one rule, you cannot cancel on the day'."
"Later he also said: 'I hope this is not an April fools joke'."
"I responded: 'I’m not joking. I get you have your rules but this is an emergency and a pretty distressing situation. I was a bit taken aback by the response given the circumstances and considering you work in mental health. A simple "I’m sorry, hope he’s okay, I’ll handle the show" would have been fine'."
"He replied: 'It doesn’t stop me being honest' and also: 'I think we have a different view on death… I get over things pretty quick because life still carries on… when you have lost as many things as I have it gives you a very different perspective… I do apologise for that'."
"This whole interaction really didn’t sit right with me. I understand having rules, but this felt like a complete lack of empathy for a genuine emergency."
"Now I’m seriously considering quitting. It’s unpaid, I travel 3 hours each way, and I also handle a lot of behind-the-scenes work like social media and uploading/editing content. I actually don’t even know what to say to him yet."
"AITA for wanting to quit over this?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to step away (NTA).
"Quit immediately. Driving 3 hours with today’s gas prices is an obscene ask for an unpaid role. Also, ZERO concern for your mental health." ~ No_Durian_3730
"NTA... I would have quit on the spot after the first message, I hope he doesn't have any clients relying on him for mental health assistance, his lack of empathy is out of this world!" ~ Super-Candle2432
"I would have been sorely tempted to immediately say, 'I completely understand. Since I cannot abide these rules today, it is best I resign effective immediately and you find someone else. My real job has let me off work today, so I can rest assured it is best I leave here, (my unpaid, volunteer job, Mr AH 'boss')'." ~ Traditional_Fan_2655
"NTA. I would’ve also quit on the spot. And don’t worry about the a**hole host, he’ll bounce back in no time! When 'you’ve been through as many things as he has, you have a very different perspective!'."
"In other words, he centered himself during OP’s loss and showed himself to be a colossal f*cking a**hole. OP, I’m sorry for all you’re going through. Please be kind to yourself." ~ lottieslady
"I would quit and put it out on all the show's social media exactly why I was quitting." ~ DevilsAdvoCaticorn
"He works in mental health because it's the easiest manipulation high, not because he cares about people." ~ Inevitable-tragedy
"NTA. This is the most ironic situation. Men's mental health is so important, that you get blasted for having emotions over a pet's death?
"Why don't you try just getting over death, man? There are more important things than grief—things like discussing men's mental health."
"Wait a second..." ~ Hightechzombie
"The most passive aggressive 'I guess I just forget people are over emotional about things like losing loved ones. Because I am just so above all that since I have had bigger emotions in the past'." ~ More-Pizza-1916
"Like what do you MEAN you're running a men's mental health show and you're pulling this on a man in distress. Like absolutely go f*ck yourself. I hope OP puts them on blast for clearly being a fraud. 'When you lose as many as I have' go get therapy and gain some empathy you emotionally stunted spoon." ~ RobinHarleysHeart
"NTA. This person shouldn’t not be doing a show in mental health. A true mental health professional would tell you to look at your codependency that has you giving up this much time for free every week especially when you are getting treating disrespectfully." ~ MovieLazy6576
"Basically telling OP to suck it up like he does because he doesn't care about death anymore is toxic masculinity which is very harmful for other men and boys." ~ melli_milli
"A bachelor's degree in health science does not make someone an expert in mental health at least not from what I can find. All I can see is that it is now related to physical health. His behavior proves he doesn't know a thing about it." ~ holymacaroley
The OP provided an update:
"I just want to say thank you to everyone who responded. I didn’t expect this kind of support, but reading through your comments genuinely helped me feel seen and validated during a pretty difficult time. It gave me a lot of clarity and confidence in how I was feeling. The Reddit community is amazing."
"I ended up deciding to step away from the show. After thinking about it more, the lack of empathy in that situation and the overall lack of respect just didn’t sit right with me, especially given the focus on mental health."
"For those asking, this is what I sent: 'Hey, I’m stepping away from the show effective immediately'."
"'Your response when I told you my pet was likely going to be put down was unacceptable. That was a real and distressing situation, and instead of any basic empathy, you chose to prioritise a rule and make dismissive comments. That’s not something I’m willing to tolerate'."
"'Mental health is something I take seriously, which is why I was involved in the first place. The way you handled that situation showed a lack of understanding and respect that doesn’t align with the values you claim to represent'."
"'I was contributing a significant amount - driving 3 hours each way, managing social media and Spotify, and doing it all unpaid. I did that because I believed in what the show stood for. This experience made it clear that belief isn’t shared'."
"'For clarity, my pet did pass, which makes your response even more inappropriate'."
"'I value my time, my effort, and how I’m treated, and this situation fell well short of that'."
"'I won’t be continuing'."
"He replied almost instantly and his response really solidified my decision, I am actually in shock and not sure how to react, any suggestions would be appreciated. I am in shock that a 46-year-old male can behave like this."
"Him: 'If that is how you feel than that is your choice, but I go on patterns and the last three times you chose not to come in was because of a sick pet, and all three times you cancelled on the day, if I am to respect you it would be nice to get the same respect back, and hey if this is all it took instead showing the show the respect it deserved than you have been looking for a way out which just takes honesty courage and a conversation, thank you for your time'."
"'You talk big about respect, yet you could not follow the only rule the show had'."
"'Can you please forward the Spotify details. How we upload it'."
"Correction: this was only my second time canceling ever out of the 60 + shows we have been on and on the day, obviously, because of an emergency with another pet."
"Unfortunately, we went to 3 different vets, he had 2 surgeries, it was brutal, he was only 4 months old too, just a baby. We tried so hard and so did he, but the vet said he could not be cured, his ureter had ruptured and to put him down."
"Was honestly one of the most heartbreaking things I have experienced. Thanks for the love, though. I appreciate it."
This situation didn't feel like a good fit for the OP or their colleague.
Walking away is probably best.
