The danger of keeping a secret is that the longer you hold it inside, the more it will grow.
Possibly resulting in the anger from those you are withholding information from growing with each passing year.
True, not everyone you know needs to know everything about you.
But the closer you are to someone, the more confused they tend to be by the fact you would hide anything from them.
Redditor Dangerous-Traffic-11 was in a three-year relationship with their girlfriend.
Thankfully, the original poster (OP) got along quite well with their girlfriend's parents.
However, at a recent get-together the OP revealed something about themself that took their girlfriend's parents by surprise.
Something their girlfriend was furious they withheld in the three years they were together.
Unsure if they had done anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not telling my GF's parents that I speak their language for almost 3 years because they didn't ask?"
The OP explained why their girlfriend was angry with them for keeping a secret:
"My girlfriend's parents speak Russian."
"I also speak Russian."
"Nothing about me would hint at that."
"My great grandpa picked it up as a POW, gave it on to his children and so did they."
"I took a Russian course ages ago to make the most out of my random rudimentary Russian and just kept listening to and watching Russian content now and then and kept it at what I would say is a decent conversational level."
"My english is much better and my french and Italian are better as well."
"Therefore, never any reason to show that off."
"Never thought much of it."
"Met my gf and she has Russian roots but doesn't speak Russian."
"It never was a topic."
"Her parents are native Russian speakers but also speak perfect german, which is my language."
"You couldn't tell they weren't born here."
"Those two do however have some short comments, back-and-forths in Russian sometimes."
"Nothing delicate, nothing the rest of us wouldn't be allowed to hear."
"We always speak german and it's no issue for anyone."
"Their upbringing is almost never a topic apart from some funny anecdotes here and there about life as a kid back then."
"Nothing deep."
"The other day a family friend of them, also Russian, came by."
"Nice evening as always."
"As older generations sometimes do, they were mocking my generation in a light hearted banter joking kind of way."
"The friend at one point said something about how much tougher they are compared to us."
"In an equally joking banter kind of way (100% that was the tone, I am certain I didn't overstep on accident) I said, not literally, what would best be described as 'Well, b*tch, i hope you're not scared to put your money where your mouth is'."
"In Russian."
"Shocked silence."
"Rough language is normal, they wouldn't be offended over a bit of banter, promise."
"Later my GF said that they were really disturbed that I was fluent in Russian (wouldn't say that I am but that's besides the point) and just left them in the dark about it."
"Thing is, they never asked."
"It was never a topic."
"They knew my great grandpa was a POW in Siberia."
"I told them that when it was actually the topic."
"And we joked about it because some of the mother's family were locked up there at about the same time as well."
"'Haha, they were cellmates' kinda thing."
"But the language thing never came up."
"And I just didn't think much about it?"
"Nothing of any gravity ever happened in Russian in the household."
"Half their family doesn't speak it."
"We all speak german to each other. I don't see how this matters?"
"I wasn't eavesdropping either, they never shared a secret in Russian while I was there."
"I would have said something if that was the case but it only ever was some random BS."
"So."
"Now they are crossed because apparently I kept a major secret from them."
"I am confused because nobody cared about that before, it wouldn't have changed a thing."
"We understood each other fine and still do."
"My GF if stressed because she can see both sides but also thinks the drama is annoying and pointless."
"Am I guilty?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they mostly had trouble sympathizing with the OP for withholding the fact that they could speak Russian to his girlfriend's parents.
Some didn't think the OP necessarily did anything wrong, but also understood why the OP's girlfriend and her family were unhappy that they kept the fact that they could speak Russian from them.
"NAH, but after three years, I get why they found it weird."- Longjumping_Good2624
"TBH if I were them I’d probably assume that you were deliberately not saying anything so you could try to eavesdrop on their Russian conversations, and idk try to catch them out or something."
"I guess NAH, but it’s weird that it never came up once."
"Like when they said they speak Russian you didn’t even say, 'hey, cool, I also speak a bit of Russian!'”
"Or your girlfriend never said something?"- zalmentra
Others, however, simply couldn't understand why the OP kept the fact that they spoke Russian from a family of Russian speakers for three years, and felt the way the OP revealed they spoke Russian was fairly tactless:
"So on one hand you’re saying that you’ve actively developed and maintained your Russian - taken a course, watched Russian content - but that when you had prime opportunity to practice with native speakers you chose not to for three years?"
"It’s a bit of a stretch to accept that as pure happenstance."
"I would have thought that other people in the house speaking a language would be the perfect happenstance opportunity to bring it up."
"As these were comments between a married couple I can see how that’d be a little awkward in the moment."
"But that’s also exactly why letting it sit for 3 years is a bit on the AH side - you let them think you didn’t understand them while they spoke that language around you for years."
"They haven’t said anything sensitive yet, but what if one day they had to, and only afterwards found out?"
"Also, what if your GF ended up in a position where she needed to tell them?"
"The longer you left this the weirder it was going to be for everyone."
"With that in mind, I’ve got to say YTA - not for the situation arising, but for letting it build up for years before doing something."-Starcomber
"YTA."
"Not once in 3 years did you even consider saying 'thanks' or 'good day'?"
"You gotta jump straight to 'beeetch….'”
"What a weird power play to keep in your back pocket until you could embarrass them, but congrats on accomplishing just that."
"If you actually liked your gf and her family you would have wanted to bond with them more, finding out you share more than 1 common language is a way to do so, not use it as a tool to embarrass others."
"And honestly the 'they never asked' defense is what a 12 year old would use."- Sweet-Lobster9977
"YTA, it’s pretty weird that in 3 years you never mentioned it."
"It feels like it was intentional."- bourbonandcustard
"Here's the thing."
"I'm willing to bet that her parents have spoken to each other, in Russian, about you and their daughter."
"Probably not in front of you since you think you would have heard and understood."
But privately, to each other."
"And now they aren't sure they never said anything negative about you, in Russian, to each other when you were present."
"They thought they were having a more private conversation in Russian."
"And you were listening in the whole time."
"Doesn't matter that they didn't say anything to each other that couldn't have been shared with the whole group."
"They weren't given the option to share it with you or anyone else."
"And that has been happening for THREE YEARS."
"At best, this is very poor manors."
"Worse, YTA"
"You need to apologize."
"And tell them that you never really thought anything about it since you were all speaking German most of the time and that you weren't really paying any attention if they had little asides to each other in Russian (even if it's a lie, tell them you weren't paying attention)."- ChicagoNormalGuy
The biggest question is why the OP felt compelled to withhold the fact that they spoke Russian.
Particularly as it might have been something over which they could bond with their girlfriend's family.
One can only imagine what else the OP has been withholding from their girlfriend and her family.
Something all of them are probably wondering too...
