People process loss in many different ways.
Some grieve longer than others, and some grieving the loss of a significant other move on more quickly than others.
And, as we know, there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one.
But how does one know when they’re ready to move on… or, even as importantly, when they’re not.
A man on Reddit decided to postpone his wedding after his fiancée demanded that photos of her late husband be included in their wedding day festivities, so he turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
The Redditor asked:
“AITAH for postponing our wedding because my fiance wants to have pictures of her late husband in it?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My fiance and I have been together for about 3 years.”
“We got engaged 6 months ago.”
“We were doing some planning and she mentioned ‘Where do you think [late husband’s name] Pic could go?'”
“I was confused, and asked her to clarify.”
“She said she wants her late husband’s picture at the wedding, she went into more detail, at my request.”
“She wants one of the bridesmaids to hold his picture during the ceremony. As well as having his Pic on our table.”
“And when taking Pics, she wants to hold him in most pictures.”
“I told her that I didn’t want that, and while I understand he’s important to her, I’d feel uncomfortable with his pictures in our wedding, especially when they’re so prominent.”
“We got into a fight and she yelled ‘I can’t believe you’re jealous! He’s f**king dead! What, do you think I’m gonna f**k him at our wedding?'”
“I decided to postpone the wedding, and honestly, I’m thinking of calling it off all together.”
Redditors weighed in on the situation and overwhelmingly decided OP is not the a**hole (NTA).
Most believe that his fiancée is not yet over her late husband, and postponing – even cancelling – the wedding is the right move.
“Ok…I’m a widow of 12 years and this just isn’t right.”
“I understand she may want a memory of him with her but…pictures of him in pictures of you two is just wrong on many levels!!”
“There are many inconspicuous ways of having him with her.”
“You are 100% right for postponing your wedding and possibly canceling it too.”
“My thoughts are she isn’t ready to move on yet.”
“Why I don’t know she needs some counseling to find out or some deep soul searching.” – Kep63
“NTA- that is an extreme request.”
“It is way overboard.”
“She is not ready to marry you.” – DuePromotion287
“NTA.”
“A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of things to be, not of dead spouses.” – Nightwish1976
“NTA. This is weird.”
“We had a memorial table in the entrance of our reception for photos of deceased loved ones.”
“I don’t think it would be odd or disrespectful to have a memorial table and include her dead partner there.”
“But wanting his photo to be held by a bridesmaid, photographed in your couple’s photos, and placed at the head table is a lot.” – FactBearsEatBeetss
“NTA”
“She is not ready to marry you.”
“After 3 years, she may never be ready.” – gastropod43
“NTA.”
“I’ve heard of honoring dead parents but not dead spouses…” – NotShockedFruitWeird
“NTA… it’d be one thing to have a candle lit for him or something, but to make the start of your union be all about him is a huge red flag 🚩”
“The fact that she doesn’t care about your feelings in the matter is also a red flag… yikes” – WaryScientist
“NTA.”
“Call it off and thank karma for showing you this and GTFO.” – Free-Place-3930
“NTA. Please call this wedding off now.”
“Your fiance is obviously not over greiving her first husband and does not value your feelings.”
“Her insensitivity is staggering.”
“There are times and places to honour a lost love one, her wedding to another man is not one of them.” – Equivalent-Gap5844
“That’s honestly pretty f**ked up.”
“NTA.”
“I would be fine with his pictures in the house, time set aside to remember him, maintaining relationships with his family, all that, but a wedding is about… like… that relationship.”
“Not the old one.”
“The groom shouldn’t feel like the #2 man to anyone, let alone the dead ex.”
“I’d be hella uncomfortable.” – Longwinded_Ogre
“I have to add my 2 cents here… NTA.”
“My husband was the absolute love of my life, and he passed in 2016.”
“I have lived with my SO for 5 years now and I love him very much.”
“We plan to get married someday… But here’s the thing.”
“He respects my husband and my husband’s place in my life… just as I respect him and his place in my life.”
“I would NEVER do something like your fiance is doing… “
“She clearly doesn’t have any open space for you.”
“She is too consumed with her dead husband.”
“Calling your wedding off seems like your only option.”
“She needs to heal and find herself again before she can give herself to a new partner.” – Personal_Conflict_49
“Do NOT marry this woman.”
“She shouldn’t even be in a relationship with another man right now.”
“She needs time, healing, and likely therapy before she’s ready to be in a romantic relationship.” – Living_Programmer_61
“NTA. She’s not ready to remarry yet.” – Open-Incident-3601
“NTA. Til death do we part. They parted.”
“Your wedding day is supposed to be about saying to everyone you care about, ‘this is the one and only person for me’ not ‘these are the two people for me, but this is the only one I get to keep’ or ‘this is a photo of my first choice and here is my second choice in the tux.'”
“I would tell her that you would be happy to recreate a photo from her first wedding and then hang both photos next to each other in your house, but that while he is a part of her life, he is not a part of your wedding day.” – Big_Zucchini_9800
“I’m a Grief Counsellor, and this sort of behavior is one of the Red Flags we’re trained to watch for.”
“Your fiance is not far enough along in processing her grief to be ready for another serious relationship.”
“And since the two of you have been together for three years, she should be.”
“If I was dealing with your fiance, I would have referred her to a Therapist because she’s in need of serious help.”
“Her late husband should have no part in your wedding because if he was still around, you wouldn’t be getting married.”
“This isn’t about you being jealous, but about her not having let him go enough to move on.”
“Postpone, yes, but if she doesn’t get help, you’re going to have to cancel the wedding, or else you’ll be the third wheel in her relationship with the memory of her first husband.” – RevKyriel
“Pics, empty chairs, and memorials at weddings are for people you wish could have attended to celebrate with you both.”
“Late spouses do not fit into that category.”
“Asking for his picture there tells me she’s not ready to remarry.”
“Cancel the wedding and get into couples counseling.”
“You both need to be on the same page.”
“NTA. Weddings are not appropriate places to display pics of previous partners, late or otherwise.” – SpaceJesusIsHere
“Absolutely, move on.”
“She’s hung up on her dead husband.”
“You will never be able to match him.”
“Even in death.”
“Huge red flag NTA.” – Main_Laugh_1679
“So I’m not sure how much credit my post will hold, but I’m speaking from the viewpoint of a widow.”
“She’s not ready yet to move forward with her deceased husband.”
“I’m very much at that same point (husband died January 2024), and because I’m not ready to move forward yet completely, I refuse to put another potential love through that hell.”
“It’s not fair to them.”
“Remembering and keeping the old love is a good thing, but she needs to make it to the point I’m reaching.”
“Our old lives and loves are gone, away like a cool summer breeze.”
“We need to acknowledge that and know that the new love will be entirely different in so many different ways that will be needed in the healing process.”
“NTAH, but I wouldn’t call it off completely until you sit down with her and explain why this is hurting you and the fact she needs to walk forward WITH his memory, not remain chained to it for the rest of her life.”
“Trust me, I’m working through very much the same thing, save I’m doing it alone to save any potential relationships I make the pain of my grief.”
“Only a handful of truly good people in this world can handle people as broken as us” – TorJames2005
“I lost my first wife to cancer after six years of marriage.”
“I’m remarried now and would have never considered having an image of my first wife displayed during any part of the wedding.”
“We even had members of my late wife’s family at our wedding, but it was only our wedding and not a memorial.”
“As a small tribute to my late wife, I wore the wedding band she gave me on my right hand.”
“There is a ton of survivor guilt involved, and there are healthy ways to deal with it.”
“This is not it.” – shiny_brine
According to his fellow Redditors, it sounds like OP made the right choice by postponing the wedding and should not feel guilty for doing so.
Hopefully, OP’s fiancée finds a healthy way to manage and process her grief so she can be part of a healthy relationship again.