They say it takes a village to raise a kid.
Any help a person can give to parents is usually welcomed.
But some help can come with strings attached.
Not all family members understand boundaries.
So this can lead to villagers being more of a hindrance than a help.
A mom-to-be found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]'s behavior; so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Redditor Active-Performer-410 asked:
"AITA for telling my MIL we are never moving to Virginia?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I met in college."
"I'm from Queens, NY."
"He is from Virginia."
"When we graduated and were deciding what we wanted for our futures, I made it clear I was living in New York, my life is here, and that's where I want to be my entire life, so if he wanted to move back to Virginia, we should end it."
"He said he wanted to live in NY too, so we moved to Queens and have been here for almost 10 years."
"His mom was not happy about it and has never gotten over it, but has mostly kept her mouth shut."
"Flash forward to now, I'm pregnant with our first (a boy), and we went to visit his family for Thanksgiving. "
"The entire visit, his mom kept making comments about how sad she is that she won't be able to see her grandson grow up, and how there is so much more family in Virginia, and how my family is so small."
"For context, yes, my family is small, just my mom, my cousin, her two kids, and an aunt and uncle, but we are extremely close and see each other multiple times a week."
"We ignored the comments at first, but she kept going."
"Finally, she said outright, it's only fair that we move to Virginia now, since we lived in New York for me for 10 years."
"She said our baby would have so many cousins, aunts, and uncles that our village would be stronger there, that Virginia is safer, that we could afford a big house with a yard, and that she's retired so she could watch the baby all the time."
"At that point, I had had enough."
"I told her flat out we are never moving to Virginia, our lives are in New York, and there's zero chance that's changing."
"My husband agreed immediately and said he's lived in both places and genuinely prefers New York."
"She shut up after that, but my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] told me I was too harsh and I could at least consider it and listen to what she had to say."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"Tell SIL you've already had 10 years to consider it, and the choice is obvious."
"It's time for MIL to accept reality. NTA." ~ ComprehensivePut5569
"SIL saying they should consider it and let her say her piece."
"Like yes, we made those considerations 10 years ago when we chose to live in NY (and the 10 years of living there to really think about the pros and cons of their choice, including now with the baby on the way)."
"Also, did she not just let MIL say her piece 1000 times during this trip without engaging?" ~ unloadingmyhead
"Not to mention the friends, support groups, and careers both OP and her husband have built in NY."
"To be sure, yes, the MIL can lightly bring it up and having a HELPFUL family to assist with kids is nice, but once they say no(ideally diplomatically), it should be the end of the conversation."
"Moving forward, the husband needs to stop any more messages like this before reaching OP." ~ 2ways2bay
"As someone who grew up in the deep south - I also haaaate the roundabout communication style that OP's MIL has."
"It forces the other person to either be direct to the point of stepping on toes or just cater to the other person's feelings."
"It's so common in the Belt, I've just started walking away from family that does it - mid sentence or not." ~ FourGuysOneFence
"NTA. Some people need a reality check."
"Live your best life." ~ HamRadio_73
"If she is retired, why can't she come visit in New York more often?"
"There are so many options with which to do so."
"As for moving, she is out of line."
"Her primary duties in raising you are finished."
"She needs to let you start your own family and be a supportive grandma."
"She doesn't get a vote on where you live as long as you and your boyfriend are united."
"NTA. Your directness was needed."
"Anything less, and she would have kept on until she got her way."
"The sister might need a dose of that fire, too." ~ sevenfourtime
"Exactly. My family is from the Bible belt, and my daughter is pregnant with our first grandchild in NY."
"I love it there and visit her every month."
"I'm grateful she lives somewhere so much nicer than the Deep South."
"My grandchildren will have excellent medical care (not to mention the good prenatal care she is receiving) and a good education." ~ cloversagemoondancer
"NTA. The message has been clear for 10 years."
"Your SIL, a total AH by the way."
"I empathize."
"Wife and I moved to New England in '98 (we both grew up in Philly) and still, to this day, get 'when are you moving home' from various folks every time we visit."
"Happy you are happy where you live."
"Keep doing that." ~ _oldhead
"NTA. I know how this feels."
"I relocated with my partner after he was given an amazing job opportunity on the East Coast, and I had to deal with my mother having a fit for months."
"I finally told her that she was selfish for not wanting me to go and have better job opportunities and to be with my partner, and that shut her up."
"Sometimes, family needs to learn boundaries." ~ AttackOnTightPanties
"Just had this argument with my SIL."
"She just had her first baby and wants us to move back to the Midwest, so all our kids can grow up together."
"Had to tell her flat out there is nothing for us job-wise, and we have to take care of our special needs kids."
"The two states their families live in are in the 10 worst states for special needs and autistic kids."
"Getting to be around cousins doesn't mean s**t if they can't have the therapy and support they need in school."
"But I'm the bad guy." ~ PreparationPlus9735
"You are not required to 'consider' every crazy idea that comes out of your MIL."
"We do not base our lives around grandma being afraid of New York."
"Personally, it sounds like having a few states between you is great. NTA." ~ mela_99
"NTA! I can't believe how many people are saying you are."
"It's perfectly reasonable for your family to express that they miss you and they'd love it if you ever wanted to move closer a time or two."
"It's not okay to hassle you about it every time you get together."
"That's not a healthy relationship."
"I know I don't want to spend time with people who don't take no for an answer."
"Even over little things, I'd be so annoyed if I were constantly being pressured to uproot my whole life."
"Hell, I cut ties with someone because they wouldn't stop pressuring me to buy a bicycle."
"They like to ride bikes and wanted someone to ride with."
"Told them it's not my thing."
"Literally every time we got together, it turned into 'Come on, I'll take you to the bike shop right now and help you pick one out.'"
"NO! No means no."
"I don't want to spend my limited free time going on a bike ride."
"Give it a rest."
""They wouldn't."
"We don't talk anymore."
"They still don't f**king get it."
"We don't bully people."
"Not into bike riding."
"Not into moving."
"Not into anything." ~ First_Departure8072
"NTA. Good on you for being straightforward and firm."
"That needs to start early on with mothers-in-law so they learn that you run the show in your home." ~ California_Lemons
"NTA, people often mistake directness with being rude."
"Your MIL is having to confront the fact that her little baby and his wife are NOT going to suddenly realize that they have been struggling in the big city for ten years and need to move back home now that they have a baby on the way."
"She's had this plan for you and her son for 10 years, where you'd live in the city for a bit, get a taste of independence, then you'd run home to her the second things got difficult."
"But you didn't because you're capable adults."
"She's always had it in the back of her mind that surely, surely, when you started a family, that would be the trigger to send you both home to her."
"And now she's realizing that that isn't going to work the way she's been praying it would, and she doesn't know what to do with her feelings of disappointment." ~ Berylldama
"WHY would SIL think you hadn't considered it?"
"You did and decided against it 10 years ago."
"MIL has nothing else to offer."
"People are so damned stupid. NTA." ~ grayblue_grrl
"NTA - oof I've been here."
"Finally telling my MIL that no, we will never be moving to her state finally made her drop her incessant and quite frankly strange campaign about how her state is the best state." ~ REDDIT
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your MIL's behavior is out of bounds.
You and your husband have made the decision to stay in NY.
That is all she needs to know.
Don't let anyone make you feel guilty.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp