They say it takes a village to raise a kid.
Any help a person can give to parents is usually welcomed.
But some help can come with strings attached.
Not all family members understand boundaries.
So this can lead to villagers being more of a hindrance than a help.
A mom-to-be found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]’s behavior; so she turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Redditor Active-Performer-410 asked:
“AITA for telling my MIL we are never moving to Virginia?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I met in college.”
“I’m from Queens, NY.”
“He is from Virginia.”
“When we graduated and were deciding what we wanted for our futures, I made it clear I was living in New York, my life is here, and that’s where I want to be my entire life, so if he wanted to move back to Virginia, we should end it.”
“He said he wanted to live in NY too, so we moved to Queens and have been here for almost 10 years.”
“His mom was not happy about it and has never gotten over it, but has mostly kept her mouth shut.”
“Flash forward to now, I’m pregnant with our first (a boy), and we went to visit his family for Thanksgiving. “
“The entire visit, his mom kept making comments about how sad she is that she won’t be able to see her grandson grow up, and how there is so much more family in Virginia, and how my family is so small.”
“For context, yes, my family is small, just my mom, my cousin, her two kids, and an aunt and uncle, but we are extremely close and see each other multiple times a week.”
“We ignored the comments at first, but she kept going.”
“Finally, she said outright, it’s only fair that we move to Virginia now, since we lived in New York for me for 10 years.”
“She said our baby would have so many cousins, aunts, and uncles that our village would be stronger there, that Virginia is safer, that we could afford a big house with a yard, and that she’s retired so she could watch the baby all the time.”
“At that point, I had had enough.”
“I told her flat out we are never moving to Virginia, our lives are in New York, and there’s zero chance that’s changing.”
“My husband agreed immediately and said he’s lived in both places and genuinely prefers New York.”
“She shut up after that, but my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] told me I was too harsh and I could at least consider it and listen to what she had to say.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“Tell SIL you’ve already had 10 years to consider it, and the choice is obvious.”
“It’s time for MIL to accept reality. NTA.” ~ ComprehensivePut5569
“SIL saying they should consider it and let her say her piece.”
“Like yes, we made those considerations 10 years ago when we chose to live in NY (and the 10 years of living there to really think about the pros and cons of their choice, including now with the baby on the way).”
“Also, did she not just let MIL say her piece 1000 times during this trip without engaging?” ~ unloadingmyhead
“Not to mention the friends, support groups, and careers both OP and her husband have built in NY.”
“To be sure, yes, the MIL can lightly bring it up and having a HELPFUL family to assist with kids is nice, but once they say no(ideally diplomatically), it should be the end of the conversation.”
“Moving forward, the husband needs to stop any more messages like this before reaching OP.” ~ 2ways2bay
“As someone who grew up in the deep south – I also haaaate the roundabout communication style that OP’s MIL has.”
“It forces the other person to either be direct to the point of stepping on toes or just cater to the other person’s feelings.”
“It’s so common in the Belt, I’ve just started walking away from family that does it – mid sentence or not.” ~ FourGuysOneFence
“NTA. Some people need a reality check.”
“Live your best life.” ~ HamRadio_73
“If she is retired, why can’t she come visit in New York more often?”
“There are so many options with which to do so.”
“As for moving, she is out of line.”
“Her primary duties in raising you are finished.”
“She needs to let you start your own family and be a supportive grandma.”
“She doesn’t get a vote on where you live as long as you and your boyfriend are united.”
“NTA. Your directness was needed.”
“Anything less, and she would have kept on until she got her way.”
“The sister might need a dose of that fire, too.” ~ sevenfourtime
“Exactly. My family is from the Bible belt, and my daughter is pregnant with our first grandchild in NY.”
“I love it there and visit her every month.”
“I’m grateful she lives somewhere so much nicer than the Deep South.”
“My grandchildren will have excellent medical care (not to mention the good prenatal care she is receiving) and a good education.” ~ cloversagemoondancer
“NTA. The message has been clear for 10 years.”
“Your SIL, a total AH by the way.”
“I empathize.”
“Wife and I moved to New England in ’98 (we both grew up in Philly) and still, to this day, get ‘when are you moving home’ from various folks every time we visit.”
“Happy you are happy where you live.”
“Keep doing that.” ~ _oldhead
“NTA. I know how this feels.”
“I relocated with my partner after he was given an amazing job opportunity on the East Coast, and I had to deal with my mother having a fit for months.”
“I finally told her that she was selfish for not wanting me to go and have better job opportunities and to be with my partner, and that shut her up.”
“Sometimes, family needs to learn boundaries.” ~ AttackOnTightPanties
“Just had this argument with my SIL.”
“She just had her first baby and wants us to move back to the Midwest, so all our kids can grow up together.”
“Had to tell her flat out there is nothing for us job-wise, and we have to take care of our special needs kids.”
“The two states their families live in are in the 10 worst states for special needs and autistic kids.”
“Getting to be around cousins doesn’t mean s**t if they can’t have the therapy and support they need in school.”
“But I’m the bad guy.” ~ PreparationPlus9735
“You are not required to ‘consider’ every crazy idea that comes out of your MIL.”
“We do not base our lives around grandma being afraid of New York.”
“Personally, it sounds like having a few states between you is great. NTA.” ~ mela_99
“NTA! I can’t believe how many people are saying you are.”
“It’s perfectly reasonable for your family to express that they miss you and they’d love it if you ever wanted to move closer a time or two.”
“It’s not okay to hassle you about it every time you get together.”
“That’s not a healthy relationship.”
“I know I don’t want to spend time with people who don’t take no for an answer.”
“Even over little things, I’d be so annoyed if I were constantly being pressured to uproot my whole life.”
“Hell, I cut ties with someone because they wouldn’t stop pressuring me to buy a bicycle.”
“They like to ride bikes and wanted someone to ride with.”
“Told them it’s not my thing.”
“Literally every time we got together, it turned into ‘Come on, I’ll take you to the bike shop right now and help you pick one out.’”
“NO! No means no.”
“I don’t want to spend my limited free time going on a bike ride.”
“Give it a rest.”
“”They wouldn’t.”
“We don’t talk anymore.”
“They still don’t f**king get it.”
“We don’t bully people.”
“Not into bike riding.”
“Not into moving.”
“Not into anything.” ~ First_Departure8072
“NTA. Good on you for being straightforward and firm.”
“That needs to start early on with mothers-in-law so they learn that you run the show in your home.” ~ California_Lemons
“NTA, people often mistake directness with being rude.”
“Your MIL is having to confront the fact that her little baby and his wife are NOT going to suddenly realize that they have been struggling in the big city for ten years and need to move back home now that they have a baby on the way.”
“She’s had this plan for you and her son for 10 years, where you’d live in the city for a bit, get a taste of independence, then you’d run home to her the second things got difficult.”
“But you didn’t because you’re capable adults.”
“She’s always had it in the back of her mind that surely, surely, when you started a family, that would be the trigger to send you both home to her.”
“And now she’s realizing that that isn’t going to work the way she’s been praying it would, and she doesn’t know what to do with her feelings of disappointment.” ~ Berylldama
“WHY would SIL think you hadn’t considered it?”
“You did and decided against it 10 years ago.”
“MIL has nothing else to offer.”
“People are so damned stupid. NTA.” ~ grayblue_grrl
“NTA – oof I’ve been here.”
“Finally telling my MIL that no, we will never be moving to her state finally made her drop her incessant and quite frankly strange campaign about how her state is the best state.” ~ REDDIT
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your MIL’s behavior is out of bounds.
You and your husband have made the decision to stay in NY.
That is all she needs to know.
Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty.