No one has maintained exactly the same weight throughout their entire adult life, and sometimes, gaining or losing weight can be really hard to accept.
While it’s important to have an understanding and unconditionally loving partner, we aren’t always ready to hear that they’ll love us “no matter what,” agreed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Comfortable-Toe-2689 had noticed that their girlfriend had started to gain weight, and she recently started complaining about how her clothes were fitting, and she blamed the dryer for shrinking them.
Rather than allowing her to assume it was the dryer’s fault, the Original Poster (OP) pointed out that she was actually gaining weight, and they were surprised when she didn’t take this well, even though they’d reassured her that they would love her at any size.
They asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for telling my girlfriend that her clothes aren’t shrinking and that she’s gaining weight?”
The OP had noticed that their girlfriend was gaining weight.
“I’ve been with my girlfriend since around September. Her body has changed a lot since then, and for a while she was losing weight, but in December, she started to gain weight again.”
“She’s been claiming that the dryer keeps shrinking her clothes, and she’s in complete denial that she’s actually just gaining weight.”
The OP’s girlfriend did not take it well when they were honest with her.
“I thought she was just making excuses to me about it, so I told her that it’s okay if she’s gaining weight, and she doesn’t need to blame it on her clothes.”
“This really set her off, and she said I was calling her fat.”
“Now she and her whole group of friends think I’m an a**hole, when I was just trying to be supportive and letting her know I don’t care what size she is.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they weren’t an AH, but they also pointed out that the OP was oblivious if they expected this to blow over without consequences.
“Not an a**hole but a dumba**. YAD.” – Floppydogjohnson
“NTA, and I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but I did something similar years ago after watching too much Bill Cosby stand-up. I was getting ready to go out clubbing with my then-friend-with-benefits, and he was trying on a mesh shirt and asked if it made him look fat.”
“Without thinking about it too much because I thought it was a ‘bit,’ I immediately said, ‘No, it’s the fat that makes you look fat.'”
“We’d been watching a LOT of his stand-up together, so I thought he’d get it, but he definitely did not. I think a piece of his soul died, and I felt so incredibly awful.”
“At least I learned from my mistake. Guys also don’t like honest assessments from their friends. And also, don’t take any examples from Bill Cosby.” – shmooboorpoo
“She’s expressing frustration that her clothes are tight and thinks it’s the dryer because it hasn’t landed for her yet, that she’s gained weight. It will.”
“People tend to be sensitive about weight gain. He’s a dumba** for calling attention to it, but NTA.” – NervousAlfalfa6602
“I’m gonna say that your tone probably had a lot more to do with it than the truth of the statement… and also that you probably should have just let this one go.”
“Her clothes can be shrinking while she is growing, it can be both.”
“It probably seemed like you were telling her she’s ignorant, dumb, and fat when you decided you knew and she didn’t, and you said what you said, how you said it.”
“She probably DOES know she is gaining weight, this doesn’t reduce the validity of her claim that you’ve just decided was an ‘excuse.'” – potatoeeater95
“If someone is in denial that they’ve gained weight (particularly women, because we are raised to believe our worth is tangential to our weight) and someone they love comes in and says, ‘Hey, so, our dryer is fine; you’re just putting on weight,’ their denial isn’t going to hear that and just suddenly be like, ‘OH, okay, I’m getting fat, cool cool cool.'”
“They’re going to think their partner is calling them fat and very likely feel judged for it. I know in my younger years, this would have sent me into a personal spiral. I’d assume they saw me gaining weight, thought I was fat, thought I wasn’t attractive anymore, and therefore, didn’t love me or want to be around me anymore…”
“What’s true and real is almost irrelevant here. She hasn’t recognized the real cause, and until she does, she’s going to continue to deny the facts, and in this case, put the blame on the OP for it until she’s ready to accept the reality of it.” – Lmb1011
But others valued honesty in a relationship over subtlety and white lies.
“I do not think he is a dumba**. He was trying to be honest and let her know, and not in a menacing way.”
“I think she is the one who is the dumba**, or being immature by then getting her friends to all hate on him. Honestly, I am really hoping she is not an adult, or this is really sad.” – Sixth-Round
“Sorry, but I’m not gonna keep up a stupid charade that the dryer is shrinking the clothes when it’s pretty obvious what’s happening. Lying to your partner about an obvious fact is an a**hole move and isn’t helping them, their health, or their happiness.” – TravelBug87
“I mean, when someone is deluding themselves, and you care about them, it’s not an unreasonable impulse to just tell them the truth, in my opinion. You’re trying to help take care of them.” – itsmelorinyc
“NTA. You told her it’s okay and it seems that you accept her the way she is, but you didn’t let denial take over.”
‘Also, dryers don’t consistently shrink clothes. Some materials, yes, but if someone tries to explain to you that the same clothes that have been going in the dryer for the 10th time are now magically shrinking….. NTA.” – Admirable_Ad218
“I really feel like the approach is what pushes it towards AH territory, even if he’s still in the clear.”
“If someone is confused about something that is clear to you, insinuating that they are being willfully ignorant or untruthful is never the right way to approach it. You should take them at face value and gently bring up your perspective.” – anxious_spacecadeH
Some assumed that the girlfriend hadn’t realized her weight gain yet, and the OP putting it so bluntly was jarring for her.
“I went through this recently and genuinely believed all my clothes were shrinking. One day, I looked in the mirror, and it just… clicked.”
“We see ourselves every day, and it can be difficult to tell when our bodies are changing.”
“It’s a very difficult and sensitive experience, and I think you didn’t handle it with much tact. She probably truly has no idea and doesn’t see or feel it yet. She’s confused, and your comments probably offended her.”
“But I don’t think you knew this. I think you were just being honest based on your own observations, and that doesn’t make you an a**hole.”
“NAH.” – fatpikachuonly
“I took a picture with a friend at their wedding and just stared at it for about 15 minutes.”
“How did I gain this much weight and not notice?! Sometimes it’s hard to tell, because we see ourselves every day. I even yelled at all my friends and family for not telling me I got fat, LOL.”
“Then I started eating better and exercising, and got back down to my normal weight now, but it’s crazy how it can just sneak up on you. I potentially wouldn’t have realized until much later if it weren’t for that photograph.” – Hazy_Hippo
“Hold up, hear me out.”
“I’ve been obese most of my life. In my mid-20s, I started a job loading trucks and lost about 80 pounds through the sheer activity I was doing. But I didn’t really change much about my diet. As a result, when I left that job for one that does a lot more sitting than lifting, I started to rapidly gain weight.”
“Plus, if she’s short, a few pounds looks like a lot more than if she’s tall. My younger sister is a shorty, and when she loses five pounds, it’s immediately noticeable. She really may have not noticed yet and thought something was going on with the dryer, especially if they were new clothes that she wasn’t sure how they would respond to the dryer or if the dryer is on the older side.” – Th3Fak3FatSunn33
“I gained 20 pounds fairly quickly a couple of years ago and didn’t even notice until most of my jeans didn’t fit me anymore. Then I really looked closely at my appearance and was like, ‘Wait! I have a butt now? Where’d that come from?'”
“I asked my partner and my mom, and they both confirmed that they’d already noticed I’d gained weight.”
“Sometimes that 10 to 20 pound range is just enough that your clothes don’t fit, but not enough that you personally realize how much your weight has changed if you’ve been avoiding the scale. Especially if you tend to wear tight-fitted clothes!” – jasperdarkkk
“Ehhhh, I can see it. Even a 10 to 20 pound loss can make your clothes loose and be noticeable. If she had a sudden lifestyle change that cut out something like soda or a fast food habit, you can drop weight fast.”
“But the slide backward is fast and easy and can be quick. Most people gain faster than they lose.”
“Not ruling out a potential medical issue because I have PCOS and have that issue if I’m not careful and have to take meds to keep my body in line.”
“But it’s reasonable she could have yo-yo’d in a few months.”
“THAT ALL SAID, those are realities she needs to come to terms with on her own. It would have been okay for you to confirm, ‘No, I think the dryer’s okay. Did you maybe dry your clothes twice?’ or ‘Are you sure that those clothes can go in the dryer?’ There’s an actual possibility that her clothes are shrinking WHILE she’s also gaining weight, setting virtually two things ‘against her’ at the same time.”
“But don’t be a third thing that’s working against her. She doesn’t need or deserve that, and she doesn’t need to feel like you won’t be there through the highs and lows, and that your love is conditional, and you very well might teach her that if you insinuate that her questions about the dryer are her being stupid, wilfully ignorant, or in denial about her fatness.” – pillowcratesman
While the subReddit could appreciate that the OP was trying to be reassuring, they were much more divided over how the OP approached this situation.
Some did believe that honesty was the best policy, but for most, the OP’s tone and phrasing likely had a lot to do with the girlfriend’s upset, not to mention the fact that there really might also be an accompanying issue with the dryer.