Choosing between friends and spouses is an eternal struggle.
You love everybody, of course.
But once in a while, one person is going to matter more.
How do you choose?
Case in point...
Redditor Acceptable-View-4318 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for going to my best friend's wedding instead of my wife's birthday party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife is turning 30 and has planned a big birthday party with her friends and family, unfortunately, my best friend has also got his wedding on the same evening."
"I have picked my best friend's wedding as we are very close and I do not get along with my wife's family."
"My wife is now furious with me and demanding that I do not go to the wedding, but I can't go back on the commitment I made to my best friend."
"The birthday has been planned for a few months now, invites have been sent and the venue has been booked, I got the wedding invite this week."
"So, am I the a**hole for going to the wedding anyway?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"I guess if you want to be divorced, it's fine to go to the wedding." ~ iluvfupaburgers
"Yeah, maybe his friend will miss his wife's birthday for OP's next wedding."
"Honestly she's turning 30 and has been planning for months."
"OP only just got the RSVP, I would go with the wife and send the friend a good gift." ~ LillyLing10
"Weddings usually don't give last week notice to attendees, unless it's like the bottom of the bucket list invitations to fill up seats."
"That means this friend he is so willing to risk his marriage for, doesn't think the same of him." ~ iluvfupaburgers
"I have a friend who I've known since elementary school."
"We are not best friends... but we are friends."
"When she got engaged, she told me the month and year they were looking at because she wanted me there."
"I got the save the date and invite at least a year in advance."
"When people truly want you there, they don't make it an afterthought."
"OP is screwing over his marriage for someone treating him like an afterthought." ~ Careful-Lion3692
"Exactly. Two of my friends got married in consecutive years."
"I'd have to travel to different continents for both weddings."
"One I'm very close to and the other not so close."
"Both gave me over a year's notice."
"I was told when they got engaged and the general month they would get married."
"By the time it was a week 3 months away I had everything booked."
"Another friend from my country got married and told me over 6 months before the date."
"We were in the same city."
"This guy doesn't seem to understand the basis of priorities." ~ docasj
"He calls the groom his best friend."
"The groom must not feel the same way."
"Anyway, OP is major YTA."
"His wife was having not just any birthday, but a milestone."
"I'd be furious too." ~ Loves_Jesus4ever
"If he's really this dude's best friend, why isn't he in the wedding party, and why didn't he know the date sooner?"
"Sounds like he's either in denial about this friendship, or intentionally playing it up as an excuse to avoid spending time with his wife's family."
"Either way, the wife comes first. YTA." ~ Predd1tor
"Damn you guys are harsh!"
"But yeah, OP is being a jerk for even considering this."
"OP's excuse is that he doesn't like his wife's family but we all gotta put up with people we don't like sometimes."
"Not a valid excuse. YTA." ~ EmeraldBlueZen
"Hopefully it won't lead to divorce, but YTA my man."
"Come on, you know you're in the wrong here."
"You promised to go to wife' 30th birthday party and she made all the arrangements."
"You just got BFF's wedding invite?"
"OF COURSE you have to go to the birthday party."
"Dude, why are you even asking? YTA." ~ EmeraldBlueZen
"Yup. He has known of his wife's plans for MONTHS, and he just now gets an invite for the wedding and is willing to drop his prior commitment to his wife for it?"
"My man… it sounds like you are married to the wrong person. YTA." ~ bvibviana
"YTA... simply because you accepted an invite that you received a week ago while she's been planning this for months."
"Usually I'd say the wedding is more important but you already have a commitment for that day and decided it wouldn't be as fun for you and that's f**ked up."
"The only compromise I can think of is to attend the wedding and skip the reception for the party." ~ Hannaconda420
"OP sounds like a last-minute C list invite - far from a best friend."
"An invite a week before is a seat filler invite."
"To cancel on the wife's party, which had been planned for months, for an invite he got a week before is foolish and AH move."
"Imagine intentionally hurting your spouse and potentially damaging your marriage for the last-minute wedding invite for someone else..."
"Edit: I reread, and I now realize it is unclear when both events are happening."
"Either way, OP is foolish and an AH." ~ Electrical-Date-3951
"THIS is a reasonable solution."
"BUT let's face it, OP doesn't want to go to the party at all, he doesn't like his wife's family."
"I'd say this is a very convenient excuse as he wasn't likely wanting to go to the birthday party anyway. YTA." ~ EmeraldBlueZen
"How important of a friend can you be if you get the invitation only a few days in advance?"
"And if that guy really would be your best friend, he'd know your wife's birthday is at that time so you might have other plans, especially as it is a zeroing birthday. YTA."
"Edit: my bad, I misinterpreted the arrival of the letter."
"But the YTA stands." ~ FalconJaeger
"YTA."
"I can't go back on the commitment I made to my best friend."
"You've known about your wife's party for months."
"You were going. Why is it okay to renege on that commitment?"
"And if you're really that close to your friend, why are you only just finding out the date of the wedding?" ~ embopbopbopdoowop
"YTA. Your partner's longer-term planning wins out, sorry to say."
"She can't have known your best friend was going to throw his wedding that same day, and you have to know this is a make-or-break kinda thing."
"Your wife is unlikely to forgive this easily." ~ tosser9212
"YTA. It doesn't matter if you don't like your wife's family."
"Do you like your wife?"
"Because it's about her, not them."
"You knew the date of your wife's birthday party BEFORE you knew about the wedding date and had an invite for her party first."
"Why can't you go back on the commitment you made to your best friend but were more than willing to go back on your commitment to your wife?"
"30th birthdays are big to a lot of people and she is your WIFE."
"You're her partner... Do better." ~ thoog93
"You can go back on the commitment to your wife, but not your best friend's last-minute invite? YTA." ~ hotcheetopuffdaddy
"I'm going with YTA."
"She's turning 30."
"A big deal to some and you've known about it for quite some time."
"Sounds like you'd really just like to skip out on seeing her family."
"I doubt she plans parties every year."
"Personally, I'd be pissed for a super long time if my husband pulled the same stunt." ~ SeasonalCitrus
"YTA. If you had been invited to the wedding earlier, I'm sure she would have planned her party for another day."
"You made a commitment to go to her party first, and your friend has to understand that a week is a super short notice for a wedding." ~ ReplacementFar7102
"YTA your wife should be your first Priority."
"I am sure she isn't crazy about your family but goes to events with them because it's important to you."
"But good news is if you skip this birthday party you will no longer have to put up with your wife because you will be divorced and who could blame her." ~ evillittleperson
"You didn't know the date of the wedding until you received the invite?"
"I don't think you are as good of friends as you think you are."
"I let my close friends know the date of my wedding as soon as I booked the venue, and send Save the Dates."
"You committed to your wife's party first, it's rude to decide not to go just because something you would rather do came up. YTA." ~ photosbeersandteach
"YTA. I look at it two ways, and both ways you are in the wrong."
"1) Spouse trumps friend."
"2) Milestone birthday party has been planned and set for months and that was the commitment you had on your calendar first."
"It doesn't matter whether you like your wife's family or not, you made your commitment to HER first and you don't break that commitment."
"Shame on you!"
"Maybe someone will gift her a retainer fee for a divorce lawyer for her birthday if you don't attend her party." ~ Ellie_Reads_Romance
"So... let me get this straight."
"You prefer honoring the commitment you recently made to a best friend over the commitment you made weeks before to your wife??"
"Your wife, who, by the way, you made a lifelong commitment to??"
"Yeah, OP, YTA." ~ amaliasdaises
Well OP, Reddit is not really agreeing with you.
You may want to have another round of thought with this decision.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp