Timing is everything.
And sometimes, timing just isn’t on people’s side.
As they may have heard a joke that they found hilarious, but the next person they shared it with didn’t find it remotely funny at all, as it struck a little too close to home.
Or when someone just received the happiest news they’ve gotten in ages, only to share their good fortune with someone who just received devastating news.
Of course, it’s not usually anyone’s intention in these situations to hurt the feelings of others or to ruin the overall mood, but both of those things tend to be exactly what happens.
A recent Redditor had been going through some very personal difficulties.
Difficulties the original poster (OP) shared with two of her closest friends.
With this in mind, the OP found herself taken by surprise when one of these friends announced some good news of her own.
Good news that the OP had been hoping she would receive for the past several years.
Having some guilt about her conduct, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not getting over joyed for my friend’s pregnancy announcement?”
The OP explained why a friend’s good news brought her to tears, and not tears of joy:
“I have had 2 miscarriages.”
“My most recent was January.”
“My husband and I have been back and forth to the fertility doctors, I finally got out of a deep depression and we are navigating our new life of fertility.”
“One of my friends I have known for 20 years.”
“Very close the entire time.”
“The past couple of years, I have noticed her become less empathetic for others, especially when she thinks it’s her moment.”
“Example, a friend of ours broke their leg at her wedding and she was mad it ruined 45 minutes of dancing.”
“Now, this friend knows my whole fertility journey.”
“She knows about both miscarriages.”
“She seemed supportive.”
“Not checking up on me often or anything but supportive.”
“Last night, me, my friend (friend A) and another friend (friend B) of ours got dinner.”
“As we sit down, friend A blurts ‘I’m pregnant!!!’ I look up at her and notice her phone in our faces recording us.”
“I felt absolutely sick.”
“Friend B was stunned as well (she knows my journey too).”
“I quickly mustered up ‘oh wow I had a feeling’ I was grasping for straws because I was being recorded and felt tears coming.”
“Friend B quickly took over the conversation.”
“I was sickened that she recorded me knowing she was blind siding me.”
‘We spent the rest of the night listening to her talk about her pregnancy.”
‘Not ONCE did she ask how I was doing.”
“That night once we left, Friend A texted Friend B ‘I had so much fun tonight! I hope L (me) understands’.”
“I was nervous to tell her but I didn’t want to wait until another time since idk when I would see her again.”
“I am soo excited!”
“But I do hope she is ok!’”
“Friend B texted back pretty bluntly she shouldn’t have recorded it and told me in private and she thinks I’m upset.”
“She got the response that ‘L shouldn’t be upset with me’.”
“‘It’s a special moment for me and true friends are happy for you regardless’.”
“I don’t I have not heard from Friend A at all since I left dinner.”
“I know she’ll be texting me in the coming days asking why I’m upset and something about how my experiences shouldn’t dull her moment.”
“AITA for my reaction to her recording me being blind sided by her announcement?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community stood firmly behind the OP, agreeing she was not the a**hole for her reaction to her friend’s pregnancy announcement.
Everyone agreed that even if the OP’s friend had a right to be happy, despite the OP’s fertility struggles, she also had no right to record the OP when she announced her good news… particularly knowing the hard time she had been going through:
“‘AITA for my reaction to her recording me being blindsided by her announcement?'”
“You mean your reaction of saying you had a feeling, then through tears, sitting politely and listening to her talk about it for the entire dinner?”
“I would commend you for holding it together, actually.”
“Your pregnant friend, however, selfishly lacked empathy for your situation.”
“She could have shared her news in a more sensitive manner.”
“Shoving a camera in your face was completely inappropriate.”
“Honestly, I’d be reconsidering this ‘friendship’.”
“NTA.”- apothekryptic
“As a person who has had 4 miscarriages and has lost friends over this exact reason, I am SCREAMING at my phone that you are NOT THE A**HOLE!”
“If you google search ‘how to tell my friend who is going through infertility that I am pregnant’, the first thing that pops up is to tell them via text so that they can process it.”
“It’s not that you aren’t happy for them!”
“It’s that you are f*cking wrecked about yourself.”
“And you should NOT feel bad for feeling the way that you do.”
“Infertility is something that people will never understand unless they go through it themselves.”
“I do!”
“I understand the dark depression around it!”
“I understand the internal screaming every time you see a pregnant person or when somebody else announces their pregnancy.”
“I get the absolute fear that overcomes you when you get a positive pregnancy test.”
“When I finally did carry to term, I kept it completely hidden under baggy clothes and didn’t tell anybody.”
“I was terrified.”
“I’m embarrassed at some of these comments because it is so clear that some people replying to you have never experiences what you and I have been through.”
“Your friend is a HUGE asshole for not only telling you in public, but recording you.”
“That is not a friend you should ever have to deal with ever!”
“Your feelings are completely valid.”
“I am so sorry for everything that you are going through.”
“One thing that helped me was seeking out therapy.”
“My depression and grief turned to anger and hatred.”
“Everyone told me I needed help, and when I sought out therapy, it was the most validating thing to ever happen to me.”
“Miscarriage and infertility is trauma.”
“There have been studies on it, and it has been proven that the stress of infertility is the same stress that a person being given a cancer diagnosis experiences.”
“Sorry for the long message.”
“I’m just so absolutely hurt for you.”
“I have been there.”
“And I have lost a lot of friends due to it.”
“Sending you so much love.”- Hillosaurusrex
“NTA.”
“If she cared about what you’re been going through she would have spoken to you calmly rather than yelling it at you with her phone in your face.”
“The recording is the big tell, it doesn’t matter what you felt, what mattered was that she got the reaction she wanted.”
“If she was concerned about you after, she would have messaged YOU to ask, rather than B.”
“Also, is she planning to post the video?”
“Because if you didn’t have a positive enough reaction, I could see you getting a snotty little message a few days later complaining that you weren’t ‘happy enough’ for her after she blindsided you.”- Fiigwort
“NTA.”
“Why the f*ck would she record you knowing you had a very recent miscarriage?”
“That’s sick.”
“I cried pretty much every day for months after mine.”
“It’s devastating, and while it’s perfectly possible to be happy for pregnant friends, it still feels like a gut punch when you learn that other people have achieved so easily what has been so hard and traumatic for you.”
“For anyone wondering the best way to let someone with fertility struggles know about a pregnancy, the general consensus is that it should be a text so the person has time to compose a reply and feel whatever feelings they need to in private.”
“Recording someone in public is the absolute worst way to go about it.”- bibliophile222
“NTA.”
“Infertility journey aside, people aren’t owed the reaction they expect people to have just cause they’re excited about their situation.”
“Sounds like you were polite and acted normal.”
“She was inconsiderate, and you feeling hurt and blindsided is the consequence of that.”
“Getting mad that someone isn’t jumping for joy is a little ridiculous.”
“Also, knowing thoroughly your situation, the lack of empathy is a great reason to reexamine if this is a friendship you have outgrown.”
“I’m confused as to why everyone is saying ‘you should be happy for your friend'”
“First of all, you should feel whatever you feel.”
“Your feelings are valid but also, she never said she wasn’t happy?”
“Just that she was very blindsided.”
“It obviously brought up some sad feelings.”
“Maybe if her friend would have considerately eased into it, she wouldn’t have been smacked with such intense feelings and could have reacted better?”
“Also, aside from everything that happened, the pregnant friend started triangulating to the other friend.”
“So she obviously knew what she was doing since she talked to the other friend about it.”
“Sounds like kind of a drama starter?”
“Either way I still don’t think op is an AH for being caught off guard and still remaining polite despite the sad feelings it brought up for her.”- Total_Addendum_6418
The most frustrating thing about our emotions is our complete and utter inability to control them.
The OP’s friend can’t control how happy she is to be having her first child, while the OP likewise can’t control how sad she is that she still hasn’t been able to conceive successfully.
Regardless, it is never ok to record someone without their permission, mainly for reasons as self-congratulatory as the OP’s