Timing is everything.
And sometimes, timing just isn't on people's side.
As they may have heard a joke that they found hilarious, but the next person they shared it with didn't find it remotely funny at all, as it struck a little too close to home.
Or when someone just received the happiest news they've gotten in ages, only to share their good fortune with someone who just received devastating news.
Of course, it's not usually anyone's intention in these situations to hurt the feelings of others or to ruin the overall mood, but both of those things tend to be exactly what happens.
A recent Redditor had been going through some very personal difficulties.
Difficulties the original poster (OP) shared with two of her closest friends.
With this in mind, the OP found herself taken by surprise when one of these friends announced some good news of her own.
Good news that the OP had been hoping she would receive for the past several years.
Having some guilt about her conduct, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not getting over joyed for my friend's pregnancy announcement?"
The OP explained why a friend's good news brought her to tears, and not tears of joy:
"I have had 2 miscarriages."
"My most recent was January."
"My husband and I have been back and forth to the fertility doctors, I finally got out of a deep depression and we are navigating our new life of fertility."
"One of my friends I have known for 20 years."
"Very close the entire time."
"The past couple of years, I have noticed her become less empathetic for others, especially when she thinks it's her moment."
"Example, a friend of ours broke their leg at her wedding and she was mad it ruined 45 minutes of dancing."
"Now, this friend knows my whole fertility journey."
"She knows about both miscarriages."
"She seemed supportive."
"Not checking up on me often or anything but supportive."
"Last night, me, my friend (friend A) and another friend (friend B) of ours got dinner."
"As we sit down, friend A blurts 'I'm pregnant!!!' I look up at her and notice her phone in our faces recording us."
"I felt absolutely sick."
"Friend B was stunned as well (she knows my journey too)."
"I quickly mustered up 'oh wow I had a feeling' I was grasping for straws because I was being recorded and felt tears coming."
"Friend B quickly took over the conversation."
"I was sickened that she recorded me knowing she was blind siding me."
'We spent the rest of the night listening to her talk about her pregnancy."
'Not ONCE did she ask how I was doing."
"That night once we left, Friend A texted Friend B 'I had so much fun tonight! I hope L (me) understands'."
"I was nervous to tell her but I didn't want to wait until another time since idk when I would see her again."
"I am soo excited!"
"But I do hope she is ok!'"
"Friend B texted back pretty bluntly she shouldn't have recorded it and told me in private and she thinks I'm upset."
"She got the response that 'L shouldn't be upset with me'."
"'It's a special moment for me and true friends are happy for you regardless'."
"I don't I have not heard from Friend A at all since I left dinner."
"I know she'll be texting me in the coming days asking why I'm upset and something about how my experiences shouldn't dull her moment."
"AITA for my reaction to her recording me being blind sided by her announcement?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community stood firmly behind the OP, agreeing she was not the a**hole for her reaction to her friend's pregnancy announcement.
Everyone agreed that even if the OP's friend had a right to be happy, despite the OP's fertility struggles, she also had no right to record the OP when she announced her good news... particularly knowing the hard time she had been going through:
"'AITA for my reaction to her recording me being blindsided by her announcement?'"
"You mean your reaction of saying you had a feeling, then through tears, sitting politely and listening to her talk about it for the entire dinner?"
"I would commend you for holding it together, actually."
"Your pregnant friend, however, selfishly lacked empathy for your situation."
"She could have shared her news in a more sensitive manner."
"Shoving a camera in your face was completely inappropriate."
"Honestly, I'd be reconsidering this 'friendship'."
"NTA."- apothekryptic
"As a person who has had 4 miscarriages and has lost friends over this exact reason, I am SCREAMING at my phone that you are NOT THE A**HOLE!"
"If you google search 'how to tell my friend who is going through infertility that I am pregnant', the first thing that pops up is to tell them via text so that they can process it."
"It's not that you aren't happy for them!"
"It's that you are f*cking wrecked about yourself."
"And you should NOT feel bad for feeling the way that you do."
"Infertility is something that people will never understand unless they go through it themselves."
"I do!"
"I understand the dark depression around it!"
"I understand the internal screaming every time you see a pregnant person or when somebody else announces their pregnancy."
"I get the absolute fear that overcomes you when you get a positive pregnancy test."
"When I finally did carry to term, I kept it completely hidden under baggy clothes and didn't tell anybody."
"I was terrified."
"I'm embarrassed at some of these comments because it is so clear that some people replying to you have never experiences what you and I have been through."
"Your friend is a HUGE asshole for not only telling you in public, but recording you."
"That is not a friend you should ever have to deal with ever!"
"Your feelings are completely valid."
"I am so sorry for everything that you are going through."
"One thing that helped me was seeking out therapy."
"My depression and grief turned to anger and hatred."
"Everyone told me I needed help, and when I sought out therapy, it was the most validating thing to ever happen to me."
"Miscarriage and infertility is trauma."
"There have been studies on it, and it has been proven that the stress of infertility is the same stress that a person being given a cancer diagnosis experiences."
"Sorry for the long message."
"I'm just so absolutely hurt for you."
"I have been there."
"And I have lost a lot of friends due to it."
"Sending you so much love."- Hillosaurusrex
"NTA."
"If she cared about what you're been going through she would have spoken to you calmly rather than yelling it at you with her phone in your face."
"The recording is the big tell, it doesn't matter what you felt, what mattered was that she got the reaction she wanted."
"If she was concerned about you after, she would have messaged YOU to ask, rather than B."
"Also, is she planning to post the video?"
"Because if you didn't have a positive enough reaction, I could see you getting a snotty little message a few days later complaining that you weren't 'happy enough' for her after she blindsided you."- Fiigwort
"NTA."
"Why the f*ck would she record you knowing you had a very recent miscarriage?"
"That's sick."
"I cried pretty much every day for months after mine."
"It's devastating, and while it's perfectly possible to be happy for pregnant friends, it still feels like a gut punch when you learn that other people have achieved so easily what has been so hard and traumatic for you."
"For anyone wondering the best way to let someone with fertility struggles know about a pregnancy, the general consensus is that it should be a text so the person has time to compose a reply and feel whatever feelings they need to in private."
"Recording someone in public is the absolute worst way to go about it."- bibliophile222
"NTA."
"Infertility journey aside, people aren't owed the reaction they expect people to have just cause they're excited about their situation."
"Sounds like you were polite and acted normal."
"She was inconsiderate, and you feeling hurt and blindsided is the consequence of that."
"Getting mad that someone isn't jumping for joy is a little ridiculous."
"Also, knowing thoroughly your situation, the lack of empathy is a great reason to reexamine if this is a friendship you have outgrown."
"I'm confused as to why everyone is saying 'you should be happy for your friend'"
"First of all, you should feel whatever you feel."
"Your feelings are valid but also, she never said she wasn't happy?"
"Just that she was very blindsided."
"It obviously brought up some sad feelings."
"Maybe if her friend would have considerately eased into it, she wouldn't have been smacked with such intense feelings and could have reacted better?"
"Also, aside from everything that happened, the pregnant friend started triangulating to the other friend."
"So she obviously knew what she was doing since she talked to the other friend about it."
"Sounds like kind of a drama starter?"
"Either way I still don't think op is an AH for being caught off guard and still remaining polite despite the sad feelings it brought up for her."- Total_Addendum_6418
The most frustrating thing about our emotions is our complete and utter inability to control them.
The OP's friend can't control how happy she is to be having her first child, while the OP likewise can't control how sad she is that she still hasn't been able to conceive successfully.
Regardless, it is never ok to record someone without their permission, mainly for reasons as self-congratulatory as the OP's
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp