It's very easy to judge how people parent.
Especially for people who don't have children of their own, and thus have no point of reference.
With this in mind, it is usually a good idea for people to keep their opinions to themselves.
Every now and again, however, these same childless individuals might notice some concerning behavior that doesn't require them to be a parent to have an opinion.
Redditor Possible_Struggle490 began to have growing concerns about her niece.
Concerns she felt stemmed from the way her brother and sister-in-law (SIL) were parenting her.
As she didn't want to overstep, the original poster (OP) had mostly kept her concerns to herself.
But as her concerns for her niece steadily grew, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA if I told my brother and SIL that they are ridiculously over feeding their child?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to intervene with the way her brother and SIL were parenting her niece:
"Hi all, I need some opinions on how to go about this."
"I have a niece that is 6 years old that is very overweight for her age."
"She already weighs over 125 lbs and she is about 4 ft. tall."
"My SIL has me watch her a couple days a week when she has to work."
"Now, I don't mind watching her except for the fact that this kid is ALWAYS hungry and asking for food."
"Her parents have pacified her with food her entire life."
"I have NEVER seen her eat a vegetable, and her parents do not make her eat them."
"Her mother is always saying, 'when she is ready to eat a vegetable, she will, it's her choice'."
"This kid is chocked full of chicken nuggets, fries, and pizza."
"Her growing belly is extremely concerning."
"Her mom jokes about how she throws up milk sometimes because she will drink too much of it."
"As if she is not the parent that has control over what she drinks, and how much."
"She refuses to try anything new, and her parents will make separate meals for her every time they eat."
"Not one of these meals has ever been healthy."
"I once watched them feed her, over the course of the day, those pancakes wrapped in sausage with a ridiculous amount of syrup."
"She ate the entire box of 10 in one day."
"And they always give her seconds with dessert because she begs."
"This is obviously a huge cause of concern for me."
"She is a wonderful little girl otherwise, and has told me about how much she is being bullied in school already because of her weight."
"She is in Kindergarten!"
"I hate to watch them ruin this little girls life because they give in to her every whim on what she wants to eat."
"It's clear she has an eating disorder at 6!"
"I made spaghetti for a group of people the other day, and this little girl, while I wasn't looking, scarfed down an entire loaf of garlic bread by herself."
"Garlic bread meant to be for the entire group."
"I checked the label, and this bread alone was 2000 calories."
"Never mind what else she ate that day."
"It is honestly taking a toll on me."
"I find myself getting irritated when she is constantly begging for food."
"Even after we just ate."
"I caught her telling her mom the other day that she was hungry when she picked her up, and she had just had two plates of food at my house."
"When I watch her, I try to get her to make healthier choices (she won't), and I'm not her parent so I don't know how they will react."
"Especially because they won't reinforce it at home."
"Both of her parents are thin, and I don't want a hard unhealthy life for this precious little girl that I think they are absolutely ruining."
"Kids are the worst when it comes to teasing."
"I don't know why they are setting her up for failure."
"So would I be the a**hole if I told her parents that they are feeding her incredibly too much?"
"I know this is a touchy subject, but I am at my wits end because I care about her."
"WIBTA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP would not be the a**hole for confronting her brother and SIL.
Everyone agreed that the OP needed to speak to her brother and SIL, as this seemed like a medical issue that a doctor should be notified of immediately, even though some encouraged the OP to proceed with caution:
"NTA."
"I've been obese my entire life because my parents didn't teach me moderation and let me eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it."
"I never felt 'full' and ate when I was bored, stressed, upset, instead of being taught how to regulate my emotions in other ways."
"It's been a struggle just to get down to 'regular' overweight and to teach myself how to eat well and in moderation as an adult."
"This poor kid is being set up for a lifetime of issues."- Various-Issue-2293
"NTA."
"Speaking as a former obese kid, please do something for her!"
"I was over 100 lbs by age 7."
"Mom criticized but didn't teach me to eat right, and Dad didn't just ignore it, he pushed adult-sized portions at me."
"Everyone criticized, and no one did anything to actually help."
"It sucks being the kid who stands out as different."
"It sucks not being able to keep up."
"It sucks shopping in the teen section before you're out of primary school."
"Talk to your niece."
"Talk to her parents."
"If all else fails, talk to CPS."
"This isn't just physically unhealthy, it is cruel and neglectful."- Narwen189
"NTA."
"But it could be a medical issue."- Deflated_Hypnotist
"NTA."
"Have the hard conversation."
"Let them know that you won't be able to babysit or help until you see proof that she is seeing a nutritionist."
"If you don't see proof that she is going on a care plan from the pediatrician (whether therapy, OT, nutrition) in two weeks, you will reach out to authorities."
"The pediatrician has probably already recommended it."
"Tell them you're worried about impacted stool from low fiber, early onset diabetes, everything."-hyperfixmum
"NTA."
"But it depends on how it is done."
"They likely can see she is big for her age but have not fully, consciously, accepted it as an issue and are likely to interpret any mention of it as an attack on their parenting, or on the child."
"This may well be a knee-jerk reaction, but no parent wants to hear there is something wrong with their child, especially when there is even the slightest suggestion it is their fault."
"NTA for being concerned, but be very, VERY careful how it is approache,d as they may paint you as the bad guy for what they perceive to be an attack on how they have parented their child."- Top-Relationship359
"NTA."
"Just approach it from a place of care for the bullying and potential health conditions, not in a judgmental way."
"I don't get the people here saying it's not your business."
"The parents aren't looking after her properly, so someone needs to advocate for her."- Glass-Cat8159
"NTA."
"But they will be upset."
"You just have to be okay with that."
"Instead of focusing on what they are doing wrong you may get further by saying you are concerned it's a thyroid issue etc and ask them if the doctor had tested for that."
"They may be more willing to go that route or listen to a pediatrician."- SipSurielTea
"NTA."
"But I think you need to call child services or something."
"If it's not what they're feeding or how much they're feeding her it's got to be an underlying medical issue."
"Either way they're neglecting her health, I might even call it abuse!"- Short-Complex-2410
"NTA."
"This is child abuse."
"I've never understood why it was ok to overfeed a kid, have them get obese with no consequences yet if you starve them then obviously and rightfully you'd get in trouble." - BB808BB
"NTA, someone has to advocate for her and I'm glad you are."- Melriel
"NTA."
"But I think you have to be careful how you approach this because if they feel attacked, they'll just get defensive and then nobody will be helped."
"I'd say maybe identify which parent will be most receptive to your concerns and talk to them."
"Don't fault them, maybe suggest discussing her eating habits with her doctor."- Ok_Signature3413
No parent wants their parenting choices put under scrutiny, particularly by people who don't have children of their own.
However, if the OP's niece continues these eating habits, they could have serious ramifications for her long-term health.
Something the OP's brother and SIL need to hear, if not from her, then from a doctor.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp