There is no doubt that children are easily influenced.
Which is why many parents are quick to place strict rules on what their children can and cannot do, and can and cannot eat.
Many parents believe that introducing children to fat and sugary foods can put them on a downward spiral, and lead them to an unhealthy lifestyle.
Redditor throwRA123334 was one of those parents, and was very concerned about a recent dinner with her sister-in-law, who's eating style she does not approve of.
But when the original poster (OP) made a request to their sister-in-law about her eating choices in front of her daughter, it resulted in an outburst.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my sister in law not to add a slab of butter to her hotdogs in front of my 7 year old?"
The OP gave an idea of what their sister-in-law's eating habits are like, and how they worried about their daughter taking after them at a family barbecue.
"My sister in law call her Barb, has a habit of putting butter and mayo on her food."
"Like it's not uncommon when she eats a white sauce pasta she will add a half a stick of butter to her plate and have it melt in or if she is eating biscuits from Popeyes to dip it in melted butter as well."
"My daughter is now 7 and we don't want her to pick up any unhealthy habits."
"My husband was making hot dogs and I know Barb was going to add butter to her hot dog buns."
"My husband already adds some and toasts them but again she was going to add A LOT More.
The OP made an attempt at avoiding this situation, and greatly upset their sister-in-law as a result.
"I pull her to the side and I am like 'hey Barb, do you mind adding the butter to your hot dogs in the kitchen, I don't want Emily [my daughter] to start doing it too'."
"She then is like, 'you are putting your 7 year old daughter on a diet?'"
"I am like 'no, we know that she likes to copy people especially adults and we would rather not have her do that'."
"Barb is then like 'why? so she won't become fat like me?!' and starts raising her voice."
"She says that there is nothing wrong with being fat, and that I am giving my daughter an eating disorder by restricting her."
"She then brings up the fact that she is a nurse, and that she knows more than doctors."
"And guarantees me the anxiety and depression I am creating by preventing her from eating what she wants is way more harmful than whatever cholesterol a little bit of butter would give her."
"And that she, Emily, should be able to make her own decisions that if she wants to eat hotdogs with butter she can eat hotdogs with butter."
"I am like 'Barb, if you have kids and want to teach them to do that, that is fine, but please respect my wishes'."
"Barb gets angry and confronts my husband."
"My husband talks to Barb, and eventually she just packs some of the food from the grill and leaves."
"Was I wrong here?"
"If my daughter was 10, I wouldn't mind at all but these are crucial ages."
" And I just asked her to do it in the kitchen, not to not do it at all."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
While there were some divided opinions, the Reddit community largely agreed that the OP was not the a**hole in requesting that Barb add her butter and condiments in the kitchen.
Most agreed that it was fine for the OP to ask Barb to add butter in the kitchen, and pointed out that she didn't tell her not to do it at all, or made any remarks about her eating habits or body.
"NTA."
"NOBODY TOLD BARB NOT TO PILE TONS OF BUTTER ON HER FOOD."
"NOBODY."
"OP politely asked her to do it in the kitchen, so her impressionable child would not start imitating an unhealthy eating habit."
"THAT'S ALL IT WAS, IT WAS NOT A HATE MONGERING TIRADE AGAINST UNHEALTHY, DISORDERED EATING."
"It was a request not to make a display of it in front of a child."-AbbyFB6969
"NTA."
"You made this request in as polite a way as possible."
"Pulling her aside so as not to embarrass her, suggest buttering it in the kitchen, etc."
"I think it's not good to overly restrict kids diets but you are doing no such thing."
"You're just trying to model healthy habits."- Complete-Proposal729
"NTA."
"People have the right to eat whatever they want but she put you in a no-win situation."
"But seriously, who puts butter on a f8cking hotdog?"
"That seems like some straight up Honey Boo Boo sh*t."- Riots_and_Rutabagas
"NTA."
"It would be the same as if you didn't want her to watch someone smoking cigarettes, so she doesn't think it's healthy."
"It isn't."
"The adult smoking the cigarette has the choice to do so, but asking them not to in front of your kid isn't a bad thing."
"It's the same with unhealthy eating habits."- therenegadegoose
"NTA."
"First, nurses DO NOT KNOW MORE THAN DOCTORS."
"That type of thinking needs to stop."
"Second, if she truly is a nurse then she should know that unhealthy eating habits would lead to more than just getting fat."
"Having a heart attack because you arteries are clogged is not a good way to go."
"Third, keep your kid away from her."
"You're right in that she's an impressionable child that should not be allowed to be near people who do not take their health seriously."- kittylemewmew
"NTA."
"Assuming that your description of the conversation is accurate, you did not body shame."
"You are discouraging unhealthy habits in your daughter, like a good parent should."
"Your SIL is going to die of heart failure."
"Sooner, more so than later."
"That's not an issue of shame or judgement."
"She is deluding herself over her behavior, and honestly she should probably seek therapy to process what drives her eating habits and why she creates justifications for them instead of seeking to improve them."
"Adding a half stick of butter to your individual plate of food is not healthy, or even generally approaching normalcy."
"If you saw someone who couldn't stop themselves from taking drugs, you would intervene."
"If someone in your family was addicted to cigarettes, you might insist that they smoke outside."
"Your SIL is slowly killing herself with food."
"To anyone here that is saying it's her choice to eat how she wants, self harm is almost never a choice, but a symptom of psychological trauma."
"Eating the way this woman does is self harm."- the_one_54321
"Tricky one."
"Would SIL prefer you to explain why you don't want your kid to eat a load of extra butter, either saying because it's unhealthy for her heart or it will make you fat?"
"Letting her see something and then denying her of she wants it is more likely to give an eating disorder than not seeing it at all."
"Personally, I think NTA as you asked her to add the butter out of sight rather than outright asking her not to have it."
"I think her reaction is more a reflection of her own insecurities."- essres
"The power of suggestion is just too strong."
"There are many things I 'hide' from my grandkids."
"I'm a butter lover, too, but the kids don't need a loaded with fat sandwich."
"The dogs are unhealthy enough, I love those, too, without a tablespoon of fat on top of it."
"Your 7-year-old won't miss what he hasn't had."
"NTA."
"But the butter lady is..."- babylon331
There were those, however, who felt the OP was at fault, and should have told her daughter not to copy Barb, rather than tell Barb not to do it in front of her.
"YTA."
"It's on you to parent your kid, not on Barb."
"A lot of people have bad habits, it's on you to teach your daughter not to copy each bad habits she sees in other people."- Primary-Criticism929
It's easy to say that the OP should have realized she would upset Barb with her request.
But then again, she would have likely also upset Barb had she told her daughter not to copy Barb by adding extra butter to her food.
Nor did the OP do anything out of malice, but out of concern for her daughter's health.
It's also easy to imagine that the main reason Barb was upset was because she might be aware her eating habits are less than healthy.
An uncomfortable situation for all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp