Family trips can be great fun.
Though trips with your in-laws might not be at the top of your wishlist.
Which... fair.
One redditor turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Practical_Pizza6863 asked:
"AITAH for telling my in-laws they couldn’t come on my family’s annual trip?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My family does an annual family trip. This has been going on since we were kids. There’s 14 of us now. The trip consists of my parents, their 5 kids (me and my siblings), our 3 spouses and the 4 grandkids. My parents used to plan it, now us siblings plan it."
"It’s the yearly opportunity for us to get together, especially now since we’re all grown up, some married, and most of us live in different cities across different states."
"My in-laws don’t do any type of family trips or travel. When I first got married, I tried to organize similar trips with them, but their adult kids always made up excuses of why they couldn’t go, so eventually I stopped trying."
"This year, my family is doing a cruise. We have a whole thing planned and we’re going to eat all the meals together—we got restaurant seating, rooms next to each other, decor, a scavenger hunt, bunch of sightseeing things, and matching outfits—it’s obnoxious, I know, but we love it—and we have planned activities during the cruise."
"Anyways, after casually discussing it, my in-laws asked if they could join my family’s annual trip this year. Not as separate cruise guests, but as members of our group. I was taken aback by the ask, but immediately tried to shut it down."
"I didn’t just outwardly say no, because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, so I made excuses (hoping they’d get the hint). I said 'well if you guys come then my siblings would have to invite their in-laws too and it’d be a whole thing'."
"They were like 'oh you don’t have to invite their in-laws...just us'. I also said my siblings wouldn’t feel at ease with them because they don’t know them like that, and they said 'so they’ll get to know us, like this is how we’d get to know each other better...in our culture we blend families'."
"I was trying to find so many random excuses, hoping they'd get the hint. I didn’t say the truth which is that my family didn’t care to get to know them and we wouldn’t want them there. We want to enjoy vacation with just us."
"I live in the same city as my in-laws and I see them weekly. I see my family once a year all together. My family also has a very different vibe from my in-laws."
"My family is close, our conversations flow easily and we have a similar sense of humor, similar interests, and just have a good time together. We are loud and animated and big personalities. I truly enjoy my family’s company. I love them, but I also like them as people even if we weren’t related."
"My in-laws are different. They’re more quiet and reserved and it often feels like pulling teeth when trying to make conversation with them. When my husband and I visit, the conversations feel tense and forced."
"Or we sit at the dinner table and sometimes no one will talk the entire time and then they’ll go after dinner and watch TV and just want us to sit there and watch TV with them."
"My in-laws really want a relationship with my family, but my parents and siblings don’t care for the idea. My family has met them a few times and the overwhelming consensus is 'they’re nice, but we don’t vibe'."
"They interact when required and will be respectful and nice and happy during the visit, but it’s definitely not enthusiastic. It’s their way of being polite. They respect them and will see them out of respect for my husband, but it’s definitely not like they're enthusiastic about meet ups with them."
"Anyways, when I rejected the idea of them joining my family’s trip, they seemed really hurt by the fact. They kept saying it was weird that my family was gatekeeping our annual trip and that we were weird for not wanting to include them."
"There was a lot of scoffing and defensiveness. My husband was trying to defend me and say 'hey every family is different, this is just how they are,' but the whole situation got on my nerves, I wanted to say, 'hey guys, your own kids don’t want to vacation with you. Why would my family?'."
"This is a really rude, albeit true, thought, and I DIDN'T SAY IT, obviously, but I was just in awe at their lack of self-awareness. I did offer for us to do a separate family cruise with them."
"Anyways, I’m so off-put by the situation. Ultimately, they dropped it, but it created an icy air during dinner, and you could sense they weren’t happy."
"I don’t think I’m the a**hole, but I wanted to come on here and make sure. Is this normal? Are other families combining in-laws?"
"Reddit please let me know, AITAH?"
OP later added:
"For those asking where my husband was in all this, he was there, and he was helping me make excuses for why they couldn’t come. That’s where the scoffing was coming from."
"He was like 'hey this is how their family does it. The brother and sisters-in-law don’t know you like that. The grandkids want to see their grandparents, aunts and uncles—you guys are strangers to a majority of the group."
"But they kept scoffing going, 'well they need to expand. They should get to know us more. In our culture, families come together'."
"I just wanted to be like, 'hey, read the room; you are not wanted here; please don't make me say it'. If the situation was reversed and my sister invited her in-laws, who I’ve met a total of 5 times since their wedding and only seen at random major life events to a week long vacation, I would be frustrated too."
"I took PTO for and paid lots of money to see and hang out with my family. I don't want to spend that time catering to my in-laws."
"Before I met my husband, he’d never been outside the country. I've always been a traveler, so I took on trying to plan family trips for his family (his parents and siblings) because he’s good at everything at home, and also I really love my husband."
"He loves my family’s annual trips and has made several comments saying, 'I wish my family did trips like that,' and so, me being a lover girl, I was like, 'Aw, babe, I’ll plan them'."
"I planned a quick trip to the beach a couple years ago. We paid for everyone. Success. I planned a resort trip. His siblings backed out, so we just took his parents and paid."
"I’ve tried to plan a cottage trip, an East Coast trip, a cruise. Each time his siblings made excuses and his parents are like 'we want a big group', so now I’ve stopped and am over it."
"But I tried for 5+ years because I wanted my husband to have some happy family memories. Their own kids don’t want to vacation with them."
"My husband has a soft heart, but I’ve asked the other siblings to please take PTO, and one of them literally said, 'The max vacation I’d take with them is 3 days,' which is why the family vacations I tried to plan kept falling through."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"OP, just stop with all of the excuses. All you’re doing is giving them ammo to argue with. Just tell them no, they aren't invited and never will be." ~ troublerx1
"They keep saying it's about their customs. Tell them in your family, the custom is for only family and spouses to attend family trips. Since it's your family's trip, you'll be following your family's custom."
"Then tell them no, they aren't ever going to be invited to your family's trips. Then don't discuss it further. Quit trying to get people not interested in understanding to see reason. It'll never happen." ~ MMohawMais
"Just say no. It's a weird form of entitlement they have. I understand you don't want to create bad feeling, but sometimes you have to be the bad guy."
"Saying no outright instead of making up endless reasons that they can ignore or make you feel petty for saying just prolongs the agony." ~ Adelucas
"It’s very nervy of them to invite themselves on your family trip. I would just say, 'Sorry, in-laws, this is my family’s trip planned so my parents can spend time with their children and grandchildren. You should plan one with your family, and we would be happy to attend."
"Leave it at that. If they don’t like the answer, maybe they'll realize their own kids want nothing to do with them, so why should anyone else be stuck with them." ~ CuteTangelo3137
OP and her husband need to learn how to say no.
