Uninvited houseguests are a pain.
Uninvited guests who expect to be wined, dined, and chauffeured around are the worst.
A husband turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after his wife’s family decided to use his home like a fee all-inclusive resort a second time.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Cute_Mendokusai asked:
“AITAH for refusing to cater to relative-in-law’s expense-free vacation?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I am now ‘the a**hole’ in my wife’s family, but am I…? I feel justified.”
“My opinion: I don’t think anyone should ever invite themselves to stay at someone else’s home. You only stay if you are invited, and then if you stay, you bring gifts and pay for meals etc…”
“The story: Over the course of our 30-year marriage, we have hosted many family members at our house. Recently, my wife’s cousin contacted her and said she would like to come out to visit the family. My wife’s mother and sisters live nearby. The three of them always bully my wife into getting their way.”
“My wife and her sisters work, whereas I just retired, so I’m elected to pick the cousin up at the airport. I’ve never met or seen pictures of this person, so I’m told to hold a sign like a chauffeur.”
“On the way home, the cousin said she was starving, and asked if we could get something to eat. We stopped at a nearby restaurant and ordered food. I ended up paying the bill and thought it was strange she didn’t offer to help, but ok, maybe she’ll contribute later.”
“Every following breakfast, lunch, and dinner was paid for by me. Even at the family picnic where everyone was chipping in money, she didn’t contribute a thing. Her entire 4-night stay was free! I never even heard a Thank You. And I drove her to and from the airport and everywhere she wanted to go while she was here.”
“A few days later, this cousin’s sister emailed my wife and said they heard all about her sister’s trip and how much fun she had. So now, that cousin and her other two sisters want to bring their mother for a surprise visit for my mother-in-law. That’s four more strangers who just invited themselves to my house.”
“I lost it and said, ‘NO F’ING WAY!, They can stay in a hotel!’.”
“If they were close family, I would have no problem with this, but I have never met them, and my wife hasn’t seen them since childhood, except for at a reunion 20 years ago. AND, a close cousin told us – that branch of their family is known for being moochers.”
“My wife feels like she’s caught in the middle. I told her she can tell them that I’m being an a-hole and I insist they get a rental car and stay in a hotel. My wife’s sisters live together in a small condo so they cannot host and they don’t see a problem with us hosting since we have a house. They said they would contribute money towards food, but to me it’s more than that.”
“Four more people I have never met, invited themselves to stay in my house and expect me to chauffeur them wherever they want?”
“NO F’ING WAY!, Get a rental car and stay in a hotel!”
“I’m not the host of expense-free vacations…”
“But I lost… The sisters always get their way. So now this is where I’ve become the a**hole to my wife’s family.”
“I’m taking the dog and going camping while four strangers invade my home. I truly feel violated. Next time I hear the phrase ‘We don’t want to put you out’ I will think of this! YES, YOU ARE LITERALLY PUTTING ME OUT!”
“Am I justified in my ‘a-holiness’?”
“Or should I dedicate a week of my time to entertain, cater to, and pay for a group of strangers that I will never see again?”
The OP later added:
“The only reason I caved the first time was to respect my wife’s wishes.
“The wife who sides with her family every time in order to get their long-awaited approval. A wife who doesn’t have a backbone because she’s too worried about hurting someone’s feelings. Her mother, who makes her feel like she’s a disappointment. And her sisters, who manipulate her to get their own way.”
“I was very clear and upfront. I was clear before, during, and after the first visit.”
“My wife didn’t want to host either, but she didn’t have the backbone to say NO because she didn’t want to hurt her cousin’s feelings. She also didn’t want me to confront her cousin, so I supported her wishes.”
“I’ll also defend myself in having been VERY supportive of my wife’s decision. That’s what started this whole freeloading thing in the first place.”
“And having been so clear in the first place is what causes me to not support my wife’s decision to host a second time.”
“Since she didnt respect my wishes not to host, I can’t support her override in deciding to host. Hence, I left her the responsibilities that come with her decision.”
“My wife doesn’t want to host this time either, she just doesn’t have the backbone to tell them, and will not allow me to hurt their feelings.”
“We’ve both agreed that this will be the last time. But as she did not respect my wishes not to host again, I told her I would not support her in hosting. Now she has to take on all of the responsibilities that come with her decision.”
“Because I’m going camping!”
“In my defense, I was forbidden to say anything to my wife’s cousin because my wife didn’t want to hurt her cousin’s feelings. I am a direct person, so I was all in on confronting the cousin’s actions, but I felt it was better to respect my wife’s wishes.”
“I told my sister-in-laws afterward that no one else was invited to stay at my house without an invite, and told them to tell their cousins to get a hotel. Once they all ganged up and disrespected my wishes, the only respectful thing I can do is leave them with all of the responsibilities. I’m going on vacation!”
“Some said I got myself into this situation by not enforcing the boundaries. I’m not sure what that looks like in your mind when I’m forbidden from hurting cousin’s feelings.”
“Keeping the peace with the wife is an important part of a long-term marriage. We’ll have a discussion about her not respecting my wishes later. In the meantime, I have to be respectful.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to say no, then bail once his wife and her sisters decided to say yes anyway.
“Man has a wife problem. Nothing more. She is refusing to set these boundaries. So if OP does not want to deal with this…he should solve his wife’problem first. He is NTA, but he needs to solve the real issue if he does not want to deal with this in the future.” ~ Usual-Canary-7764
“‘I lost…’, no, you didn’t. You gave in. If it means that much to him, OP needs to stand by his boundary. Tell his wife if they turn up, he’s ringing the police to have them removed. The house is as much his as it is hers, so why should he leave it?” ~ Hoplite68
“It’s not JUST the cost. Are they contributing to the mess? How about the clean up? Cost of electricity and water, food, beverage, GAS, heating? How many dishes get used but are not washed up? Are they using your bathroom supplies?”
“Someone’s home is not a hotel. At a hotel, you literally are paying for the services of people cleaning up after you, your rate includes all the expenditures of running the property.”
“I have, on a few occasions, hosted people whom I didn’t necessarily invite, but was willing to host because of a relationship and more because they made significant ‘gifts’ in return for my largesse. It’s why I saw ‘Cats’ on Broadway 6 times in one year—really had to convince the last people that I did NOT need to see it again, so they took me to ‘Stomp’ instead.”
“They bought all food for the week, bottles of wine or other housey gifts, so it was a fair trade as far as I’m concerned. But there is not a chance in hell if someone came to visit me upon their request that I would let the dinner bill for their request to stop to eat be handed to me- unless I handed it right across the table to them. ‘I assume you’re buying?’.”
“And I don’t care how free you think your host’s schedule is, you have no right to demand that they chaiffer you around or cater your calendar to them. I’ve had family visit on their tikeline, but I was still hoing to work.”
“They understood that they were to be considerate of my life, not coming home loud and drunk at 3 am when I need to get up at 5 am, and not eating all my food when I won’t be joining them for fancy meals all over the city. You’re welcome to stay to lower your cost, but only to the point that it doesn’t interfere with my regular routine beyond what is absolutely necessary.”
“If you want free rein over your accommodations and hosts, that’s why you PAY FOR A HOTEL.”
“OP: NTA. Except where you caved anyway. You own the house too; your wife’s family does not get to vote you off the island. Saying no, but giving in is not ACTUALLY ‘no’, it’s putting on a show and then letting them do exactly what they wanted to anyway.”
“If your wife is such a doormat, stand up for her. Don’t pick them up, refuse to let them in, and if they try to push their way in, call the cops. Lean in to the AH vibe, because you lost and STILL got called the AH, right? What did you gain?”
“Wife’s family: multiple layers and levels of a**hole.”
“Wife: Needs to grow a spine instead of letting her relations far and wide treat you both like garbage. But since she seems you’ll cave in the end also, maybe she’s picking the right side- at least she wont be hounded by them because you did a song and dance for nothing?” ~ NYC-WhWmn-ov50
OP said he’d speak to his wife about boundaries.
But based on track record, it seems more like he’ll be doing a lot of camping while his wife runs their home/hotel.