Uninvited houseguests are a pain.
Uninvited guests who expect to be wined, dined, and chauffeured around are the worst.
A husband turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after his wife's family decided to use his home like a fee all-inclusive resort a second time.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Cute_Mendokusai asked:
"AITAH for refusing to cater to relative-in-law's expense-free vacation?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I am now 'the a**hole' in my wife's family, but am I…? I feel justified."
"My opinion: I don't think anyone should ever invite themselves to stay at someone else's home. You only stay if you are invited, and then if you stay, you bring gifts and pay for meals etc..."
"The story: Over the course of our 30-year marriage, we have hosted many family members at our house. Recently, my wife's cousin contacted her and said she would like to come out to visit the family. My wife's mother and sisters live nearby. The three of them always bully my wife into getting their way."
"My wife and her sisters work, whereas I just retired, so I'm elected to pick the cousin up at the airport. I've never met or seen pictures of this person, so I'm told to hold a sign like a chauffeur."
"On the way home, the cousin said she was starving, and asked if we could get something to eat. We stopped at a nearby restaurant and ordered food. I ended up paying the bill and thought it was strange she didn't offer to help, but ok, maybe she'll contribute later."
"Every following breakfast, lunch, and dinner was paid for by me. Even at the family picnic where everyone was chipping in money, she didn't contribute a thing. Her entire 4-night stay was free! I never even heard a Thank You. And I drove her to and from the airport and everywhere she wanted to go while she was here."
"A few days later, this cousin's sister emailed my wife and said they heard all about her sister's trip and how much fun she had. So now, that cousin and her other two sisters want to bring their mother for a surprise visit for my mother-in-law. That's four more strangers who just invited themselves to my house."
"I lost it and said, 'NO F'ING WAY!, They can stay in a hotel!'."
"If they were close family, I would have no problem with this, but I have never met them, and my wife hasn't seen them since childhood, except for at a reunion 20 years ago. AND, a close cousin told us - that branch of their family is known for being moochers."
"My wife feels like she's caught in the middle. I told her she can tell them that I'm being an a-hole and I insist they get a rental car and stay in a hotel. My wife's sisters live together in a small condo so they cannot host and they don't see a problem with us hosting since we have a house. They said they would contribute money towards food, but to me it's more than that."
"Four more people I have never met, invited themselves to stay in my house and expect me to chauffeur them wherever they want?"
"NO F'ING WAY!, Get a rental car and stay in a hotel!"
"I'm not the host of expense-free vacations…"
"But I lost... The sisters always get their way. So now this is where I've become the a**hole to my wife's family."
"I'm taking the dog and going camping while four strangers invade my home. I truly feel violated. Next time I hear the phrase 'We don't want to put you out' I will think of this! YES, YOU ARE LITERALLY PUTTING ME OUT!"
"Am I justified in my 'a-holiness'?"
"Or should I dedicate a week of my time to entertain, cater to, and pay for a group of strangers that I will never see again?"
The OP later added:
"The only reason I caved the first time was to respect my wife's wishes.
"The wife who sides with her family every time in order to get their long-awaited approval. A wife who doesn't have a backbone because she's too worried about hurting someone's feelings. Her mother, who makes her feel like she's a disappointment. And her sisters, who manipulate her to get their own way."
"I was very clear and upfront. I was clear before, during, and after the first visit."
"My wife didn't want to host either, but she didn't have the backbone to say NO because she didn't want to hurt her cousin's feelings. She also didn't want me to confront her cousin, so I supported her wishes."
"I'll also defend myself in having been VERY supportive of my wife's decision. That's what started this whole freeloading thing in the first place."
"And having been so clear in the first place is what causes me to not support my wife's decision to host a second time."
"Since she didnt respect my wishes not to host, I can't support her override in deciding to host. Hence, I left her the responsibilities that come with her decision."
"My wife doesn't want to host this time either, she just doesn't have the backbone to tell them, and will not allow me to hurt their feelings."
"We've both agreed that this will be the last time. But as she did not respect my wishes not to host again, I told her I would not support her in hosting. Now she has to take on all of the responsibilities that come with her decision."
"Because I'm going camping!"
"In my defense, I was forbidden to say anything to my wife's cousin because my wife didn't want to hurt her cousin's feelings. I am a direct person, so I was all in on confronting the cousin's actions, but I felt it was better to respect my wife's wishes."
"I told my sister-in-laws afterward that no one else was invited to stay at my house without an invite, and told them to tell their cousins to get a hotel. Once they all ganged up and disrespected my wishes, the only respectful thing I can do is leave them with all of the responsibilities. I'm going on vacation!"
"Some said I got myself into this situation by not enforcing the boundaries. I'm not sure what that looks like in your mind when I'm forbidden from hurting cousin's feelings."
"Keeping the peace with the wife is an important part of a long-term marriage. We'll have a discussion about her not respecting my wishes later. In the meantime, I have to be respectful."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to say no, then bail once his wife and her sisters decided to say yes anyway.
"Man has a wife problem. Nothing more. She is refusing to set these boundaries. So if OP does not want to deal with this...he should solve his wife'problem first. He is NTA, but he needs to solve the real issue if he does not want to deal with this in the future." ~ Usual-Canary-7764
"'I lost...', no, you didn't. You gave in. If it means that much to him, OP needs to stand by his boundary. Tell his wife if they turn up, he's ringing the police to have them removed. The house is as much his as it is hers, so why should he leave it?" ~ Hoplite68
"It's not JUST the cost. Are they contributing to the mess? How about the clean up? Cost of electricity and water, food, beverage, GAS, heating? How many dishes get used but are not washed up? Are they using your bathroom supplies?"
"Someone's home is not a hotel. At a hotel, you literally are paying for the services of people cleaning up after you, your rate includes all the expenditures of running the property."
"I have, on a few occasions, hosted people whom I didn't necessarily invite, but was willing to host because of a relationship and more because they made significant 'gifts' in return for my largesse. It's why I saw 'Cats' on Broadway 6 times in one year—really had to convince the last people that I did NOT need to see it again, so they took me to 'Stomp' instead."
"They bought all food for the week, bottles of wine or other housey gifts, so it was a fair trade as far as I'm concerned. But there is not a chance in hell if someone came to visit me upon their request that I would let the dinner bill for their request to stop to eat be handed to me- unless I handed it right across the table to them. 'I assume you're buying?'."
"And I don't care how free you think your host's schedule is, you have no right to demand that they chaiffer you around or cater your calendar to them. I've had family visit on their tikeline, but I was still hoing to work."
"They understood that they were to be considerate of my life, not coming home loud and drunk at 3 am when I need to get up at 5 am, and not eating all my food when I won't be joining them for fancy meals all over the city. You're welcome to stay to lower your cost, but only to the point that it doesn't interfere with my regular routine beyond what is absolutely necessary."
"If you want free rein over your accommodations and hosts, that's why you PAY FOR A HOTEL."
"OP: NTA. Except where you caved anyway. You own the house too; your wife's family does not get to vote you off the island. Saying no, but giving in is not ACTUALLY 'no', it's putting on a show and then letting them do exactly what they wanted to anyway."
"If your wife is such a doormat, stand up for her. Don't pick them up, refuse to let them in, and if they try to push their way in, call the cops. Lean in to the AH vibe, because you lost and STILL got called the AH, right? What did you gain?"
"Wife's family: multiple layers and levels of a**hole."
"Wife: Needs to grow a spine instead of letting her relations far and wide treat you both like garbage. But since she seems you'll cave in the end also, maybe she's picking the right side- at least she wont be hounded by them because you did a song and dance for nothing?" ~ NYC-WhWmn-ov50
OP said he'd speak to his wife about boundaries.
But based on track record, it seems more like he'll be doing a lot of camping while his wife runs their home/hotel.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp