The passing down of secret family recipes is an intimate experience.
It can be a generational tradition that many take quite seriously.
Others may be a little less formal about it.
However, certain people are chosen for certain reasons.
And those reasons may never be revealed.
And that can rub a lot of other family members the wrong way.
Case in point...
Redditor pajamagirl83 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to share a recipe with my S[ister] I[n] L[aw]?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My beloved M[other] I[n] L[aw] passed away recently."
"She had a few signature recipes that she always brought to family gatherings."
"One of them is a very unique dessert."
"I asked her for the recipe for years, and she would never share it."
"She finally passed the recipes down to me not long before she passed away."
"And I made all of them to share with friends and family at the repast meal after her funeral."
"I also made the dessert one other time to bring to a family gathering my SIL was hosting."
"My SIL loves the dessert."
"She keeps calling it 'her dessert' and demanding I share the recipe with her every time we see each other."
"I feel like if MIL wanted her to have it, she would have shared it with her."
"And the fact that she's already claiming the dessert as her own instead of calling it the name my MIL assigned to it is disrespectful to her memory."
"MIL did not specifically mention whether or not she was ok with me sharing said recipes."
"She did also share the recipes with my stepdaughter (15) and one other grandchild (19)."
"Both agree that I should not share the recipes with my SIL."
"My husband thinks I'm being a little petty, and it's not something I should start a family feud over."
"This is his brother's wife and his mother's recipes, so I do feel his opinion also matters."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You made the argument: if MIL wanted your SIL to have the recipe, she would have given it to her."
"That alone is reason enough to keep it to yourself." ~ WolfGoddess77
"Also, the fact that two other family members (granddaughters) agree as well. NTA." ~ SomeoneInQld
"Maybe she died before she could share it with her."
"We don't know if she was never going to give it to her."
"Edit: Since OP made an edit saying the SIL treated MIL horribly, I do think that changes things, and maybe she didn't want her to have the recipe, but I still think keeping recipes secret is a bit weird."
"My mom shares her recipes for everyone to enjoy, including the family she isn't on the best terms with."
"Because it is something that brings back those happy memories of when we would gather together at our house when my grandma was alive and lived with us."
"Those recipes are passed down to her grandchildren, which would be the SIL's kids."
"I don't know how bad she was treated to act this way over a recipe, but it must have been truly horrible because either way."
"This is kind of petty especially if MIL never said not to share them." ~ Rosalie1778
"If MIL had wanted everyone to have them, she'd have shared them with everyone instead of picking three specific people."
"Now, if, later in life, one of those three people -- especially someone directly related to her -- decides that it's time and shares them with the whole family."
"That's their right and their decision."
"But if I were one of the trustees and I wasn't directly related, I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing the recipes unless I was nearing an end-of-life moment."
"In that case, I'd pick three people, same as before."
"And for the record, I'm typically against recipe gatekeeping, but my beliefs on someone having a say in their own legacy are much stronger." ~ ronearc
"YTA Gatekeeping family recipes is petty and childish."
"Does it make you feel important somehow?"
"I don't get this, people post this topic frequently."
"I think you're being rude and on some kind of power trip."
"It's not very nice." ~ Caffeinated-Princess
OP came back with a few updates...
"I do feel the need to add a little context here."
"1)This is NOT my MIL's daughter." It's her daughter-in-law."
"2) I wasn't bringing my stepdaughter and niece into it as support for my argument, but as proof the recipes have already been handed down to the next generation by MIL herself."
"And I am not the only person who has it."
"3) My sister-in-law was not at all close with my MIL because she treated her horribly, which is most likely the reason she didn't give her the recipes."
"4) I did get one reply here that was actually constructive and I may change my mind about sharing the recipe eventually."
"I do realize it's not MY recipe."
"I feel it does belong to my husband's family."
"Typically I'm not a recipe gatekeeper."
"I have shared my own late mother's recipes far and wide, including with the SIL in question."
"I just didn't like the way she demanded to have it and claimed it as her own instead of putting due respect on my late MIL's name."
"It's also incredibly ironic that OP admits she asked MIL for the recipe for YEARS and was refused."
"Now SIL wants to know and is getting blocked just the same."
"Feels very childish to deny the husband his mom's own recipes when his wife can make them for him as well."
"Not sure what is gained here, especially when OP wasn't welcomed into the recipe inner circle, to begin with." ~ probbutletsaskanyway
"This. All of my grandparents are gone."
"Both grandmas were happy to share quite a bit because cooking is how you show you love your family."
"To start a big family rift over SIL being weird by not giving credit is just so not worth it."
"On my dad's side, my grandma had a very popular jello salad thing that is DELICIOUS."
"But while she's gone, it is known to us as 'the orange sh*t' because well, we don't remember the actual name and it's funny."
"ETA: this recipe, in particular, was given from Grandma A to my mother, who is her F[ather] I[n] L[aw], and my grandmother made my mom's life hell often."
"She still gave it to her."
"Judgment for OP is YTA." ~ Ok-Buddy-7979
"I think the bigger issue here was SIL not giving credit where it's due."
"If this was an art piece, a written story, or many other things where a person took time and worked on it, then it was plagiarized, stolen, and claimed as someone else's we'd be criminalizing that person."
"But somehow making recipes is seen as less than other forms of work?"
"So it's OK to steal this from the memory of the MIL?" ~ Psychotic_EGG
"NTA. MIL shared the recipes with three people."
"She wasn't one of them." ~ Emotional_Bonus_934
OP came back once more...
"Final edit: I'm going to answer a few questions and try my best to set a few things straight, then I'm gonna turn notifications off."
"First of all thank you to everyone who gave constructive feedback!"
"Also, thank you to the people who understood the sentimental value of these recipes."
"Some of you gave me some good ideas for how and when I want to share the recipes, and yes, I do plan on sharing them."
"First of all, yes, my niece (19) is SIL's stepdaughter."
"BIL, SIL, and 19 are on a timeout right now."
"I will not go any further into that than to say it doesn't relate to this post."
"SIL is well aware of the name of the dessert and who all the recipes were shared with."
"I have not clearly communicated how offended I am over her claiming the dessert as her own, but I do plan on having the conversation privately."
"That said, my SIL is not a terrible person."
"I actually do love her too, and have shared many many recipes with her and she with me."
"Water under the bridge between her and MIL had nothing to do with me."
"My husband is reading this thread also and wanted me to make it clear that we don't hate each other!"
"We honestly believe she was given a difficult choice to make, but she did the right thing, even though it was hurtful to MIL."
"She wound up where she was supposed to be!"
"He also would like for it to be known that his mother was sometimes intentionally difficult."
"In case that wasn't obvious! Lol!"
"He says that he believes she ultimately left the decision up to me because she trusted me to do the right thing."
"I believe sharing the recipes the right way could be a wholesome way of healing some generational trauma, and maybe the best way to honor her legacy of love."
Well, OP, it sounds like, in the end, you have it all under control.
Reddit was clearly glad to be of assistance.
Hopefully, some healing is on the horizon.
Sorry for the loss.
Enjoy future meals... here's hoping they bring the whole family together.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp