There is such a thing as too many chefs, too many hats.
Wanting to help and be of assistance in the kitchen is one thing.
Playing backseat chef and doing things behind people's backs is another.
Nowadays, it can be nearly impossible to make everyone happy with a meal.
There are so many dietary restrictions and preferences.
This is why going rogue with ingredients for carefully planned dinners can lead to some big dust-ups.
Case in point...
Redditor Wide_Competition9367 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for screaming at my husband and his sister to get out of my kitchen?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband's sister (38) lives with us and our kids."
"I'm well beyond fed up with her being here because of food issues."
"That's the only reason."
"So, basically, every single time I make food, his sister will come in and 'doctor up' the food I'm making to her liking."
"Like I made steak and shrimp the other day (like Applebee's), and she waited until I left the room to put a full stick of butter in my shrimp- that was already done- and when I came back in, she goes 'I'm pretty sure that's the taste you were looking for' and completely ruined it."
"It was trash."
"Or whenever I make spaghetti, she will start dumping sugar into the sauce, to a point of sweet spaghetti that I and my kids outright refuse to touch because it's nasty."
"Every single time that she can get away with it, she's doing something to the food."
"Anyway, my husband has started doing the same thing."
"I went to make homemade Mac last night and cheeseburgers."
"I went to the basement to the chest freezer to grab the veggies I needed, and when I came back upstairs, my husband was putting canned chicken into the Mac 'n Cheese."
"He knows the kids absolutely hate the taste of that."
"And his sister has pushed blocks of blue cheese into the partially cooked burgers."
"I asked what the f**k they thought they were doing (because I've told them SO MANY TIMES to stop f**king with the food), and neither of them had any good excuse, other than 'we were just helping.'"
"I flipped out and told them to get the f**k out of my kitchen."
"Both of them told me I was overreacting, etc etc."
"The thing is, I've openly asked my S[ister] I[n] L[aw] to cook several times, and she won't."
"But she won't stop f**king with the food I'm making."
"My husband cooks often, and I don't care if he screws with the food he makes, but it royally pisses me off when my cooking is messed with, and he knows that."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Especially considering they're just making your job harder by making your food inedible for your kids."
"Your sister-in-law has overstayed her welcome." ~ Laniekea
"Ooooh… yes. Yes."
"Get the kids on Kitchen patrol ASAP."
"Especially the AIR HORN!!"
"You're my kind of people."
"Please Take this award 🏆."
"If hubs and SIL mess with the food, OP and kids drop everything, leave the food in the kitchen, and walk out."
"No discussion. NTA!" ~ MizPeachyKeen
"And husband and SIL get to finish cooking AND cleaning."
"OP is NTA."
"I would quite literally gag on a burger stuffed with blue cheese."
"I also HATE sweet spaghetti sauce."
"And WTF is with canned chicken in the Mac 'n cheese?"
"These people are way off base." ~ Gullible-Mine8214
"SIL AND husband have overstayed their welcome." ~ bbw-princess-420
"My guess is that husband has reverted to 'siblings having a running joke together' and is overlooking that he is damaging his relationship with OP."
"And possibly his kids as well, since he's adding things that they hate." ~ calling_water
"I don't know, it sounds like it's their childhood cooking, and he probably likes it that way."
"Unfortunately for him, the rest of the family are not fans!" ~ Anteaterpoo
"NTA- If they don't kick her out, OP needs to make a rule that she will only cook for her and her children."
"The husband and sister are on their own."
"I would definitely look into kicking out the sister, if not both, though." ~ BestAd5844
"OP, tell your husband it's time his sister moves out."
"Tell him that you two need to come up with a date that she moves out and stick to it."
"And the next time she touches your food, she needs to be out that day."
"This then needs to be communicated to her."
"Tell him the two of you need to get into therapy."
"Obviously, there's a huge lack of respect and no communication."
"The next time he touches your food, he does all household cooking moving forward."
"Make it clear that if he even adds a sprinkle of salt, you're done." ~ crystallz2000
"NTA. Tell them that if they hate the food so much, they need to cook for themselves, and stop cooking for these people."
"Get your SIL out of your home while you're at it." ~ OtherThumbs
"NTA. Going forward, cook only for you and your kids."
"Do not leave the kitchen during this."
"Then leave them to their own devices."
"When they ask what's going on, tell them they can make their own meals. Be very calm."
"When they protest, tell them you will cook for them ONLY IF they leave your cooking alone."
"And tell dear old sis she is responsible for making dinner once a week." ~ PokerQuilter
"If I was OP, I'd start planning a quick, simple backup plan for her and the kids."
"Then, once the SIL or husband mess up the food, I'd make sure it's doubly messed up by adding lots of salt so it tastes vile."
"Then just cook enough of the quick food for the kids and OP."
"Then dish it all up at the same time."
"SIL and husband could be making the food taste unpalatable to others deliberately so that they get to eat more of the food."
"As if they find the food palatable, but they know others don't, it's a great way for them to ensure they get a bigger share while being able to claim that they are being helpful."
"That way they don't feel or look greedy or selfish, but really it's a form of abuse."
"As my abusive ex did a similar thing by buying only food he knew I didn't like, but kept offering it to me, knowing he'd get it all." ~ Rockpoolcreater
"NTA - The proverb 'Too many cooks ruin the broth' comes to mind."
"I would gather all my ingredients beforehand, then not leave the kitchen until the meal was complete, but in the real world with children, it's pretty difficult to monitor a dish into completion."
"So your only recourse might be just making simple dishes for yourself and the children and letting hubs and SiL fend for themselves."
"Tell them until your work is respected that you are 'slow quitting.'" ~ False-Importance-741
"This is correct, if they cannot keep their paws out of the food you are cooking, then they need to have their own food to destroy."
"Tell them to make their own dinners and the next time you see a hand going towards your food then they will draw back a nub."
"That would make me crazy that I spent time making something delicious and someone sabotaged it behind my back. NTA." ~ Crafty_Dog_4674
"NTA. When they ruin a dish, set it aside in the fridge."
"Then when they ask 'what's for dinner' tell them they can have whatever dish they ruined."
"Then take your kiddos out to eat or have takeout ready for them." ~ ProverbialWetBlanket
"My mom has a rule."
"If you touch the food she is cooking, even just to lift a lid and see what it is, you are now in charge of the whole meal."
"She will tell you that you are now in charge and will not go back into the kitchen until the food is ready."
"This is how she dealt with people messing with her cooking." ~ nobodysgirl333
"THIS. The second either of them makes a move to doctor your food, immediately turn off the stove, gather the kids and leave the house."
"Make it clear that this will happen every time that they do this."
"The second issue - you don't have a SIL problem. You have a husband problem."
"Give sis 1 week to leave, and tell the hubs if he doesn't back you up and support this, your next out-of-the-house appointment will be with a divorce attorney."
"This is the height of disrespect."
"I'd be hard-pressed to keep from pouring the food in the trash when they modify it (or flinging it across the kitchen at them, but that might be a bit overly dramatic)." ~ Tarik861
"NTA, she sounds unhinged, and why is your husband not only enabling her but actively participating?"
"They both suck, she needs to go asap, and you and him need a long talk." ~ LeBlancTheDeceiver
"NTA. The fact that your husband has joined in on this feels like they've teamed up against you."
"How about not making dinner?"
"Maybe you can get takeout just for yourself and the kids for a week or so?"
"Husband and SIL are not only insulting your cooking; they're turning your food into something the kids don't enjoy, either." ~ TemptingPenguin369
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You've tried to be nice.
You've tried to be polite.
You exploded. Who wouldn't?
It sounds like it's time for a big family talk.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp