When two people commit to a long-term relationship or get married, the assumption is that they will stay by each other's side through the good and the bad, and share the responsibilities of the life they're building together, like splitting the bills and dividing the chores around the house.
But some people take advantage of their partner, as if they were an ATM or a live-in maid or both, which side-eyed members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor Conscious-Opening919 grew increasingly distrustful and resentful toward her husband, especially since she worked full-time, had a one-year-old child, frequently got sick, and didn't have a supportive husband to help her do it all.
When she even tested positive for COVID-19, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her husband's only concern was his ability to continue to go to work while she struggled to balance work, home, and childcare as her symptoms worsened.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by feeling like a single mom who happens to be married and feeling like something broke in me today?"
The OP's husband was more concerned about going to work than her worsening health.
"I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or just a reality check because I’m so angry right now."
"My husband and I have a 13-month-old. I work full time. I do almost everything at home."
"And I’ve also basically been sick on and off with respiratory illnesses since May."
"Today, I was at work and started wheezing badly enough that I left early and went to the ER."
"Before I went, I told my husband I was worried I might get admitted because I felt that bad."
"His response was, 'Well, tell them that wouldn’t be what’s best for our situation right now.'"
"I asked what he meant. He said he has to work tomorrow, so unless it was an absolute emergency, I really needed to come home."
"That alone really bothered me."
"Then I sat in the ER for hours. He never texted to ask if I was okay or how I was feeling. Eventually I texted HIM to say I was checked in and waiting for test results. His response: 'How long will that be?'"
"Eventually I found out I have COVID. I needed IV fluids and a breathing treatment."
"I texted him that I tested positive. His response: 'Do I have COVID?' That was it."
The OP didn't want to repeat a previous experience of being ill.
"When I got home, I asked what the plan was for tomorrow. He said, 'What do you mean?'"
"I said, 'I have COVID. Are you expecting me to have COVID and you just go to work like normal?'"
"The reason I asked is that we have already done this before. In June, I was extremely sick. I had a 102° fever and was wheezing so badly in my sleep that my husband complained that MY WHEEZING was keeping him awake."
"He still went to work. So I worked my full-time job from home while also taking care of our baby while I had a 102° fever."
"My mom eventually drove two hours to come help me because I was so sick. My husband was rude to her while she was here and made her cry, and that has been an ongoing issue between us ever since."
"So this time I don’t even feel like I can ask her to come help me again. We don’t have anyone else nearby."
"During that same illness in June, our baby was sick, too. One afternoon around 5:00 PM, I had a fever, and the baby was screaming. My husband technically gets off at 5:00 PM. I called him crying, with the baby screaming in the background, and begged him to please just come home."
"He told me he needed to finish some things at work for the next day."
"I said, 'I see what your priorities are.'"
"He was angry and cold toward me for FOUR DAYS afterward because I said that."
The OP didn't see the point of being married anymore.
"And this is where I’m starting to feel crazy. I genuinely cannot remember a single time during any of these illnesses over the last three months that he has asked me, 'How are you feeling?' or 'Do you need anything?'"
"Tonight, everything blew up into a huge argument when I called him out about his plans."
"And I finally realized that I genuinely don’t understand what the point of being married is if, when I actually NEED a partner, I’m still completely on my own."
"To be fair, he does contribute some things. He handles the yard work and trash. He gives our son his bath and puts him to bed most nights."
"But I do the overwhelming majority of the everyday household stuff. I cook dinner and clean the kitchen basically every night. I handle most of the cleaning and the mental load."
"Yesterday I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, cleaned out the refrigerator, cooked, cleaned the kitchen, took care of our son, and worked. Apparently, I had COVID while doing all of it!"
"A few nights ago, before any of this happened, I sent my husband a long message explaining that I was overwhelmed and felt like I was drowning and alone."
"When we eventually talked about it, one of his complaints about ME was that I 'go to bed every night and leave him to clean.' I’m still furious about that because his normal nighttime 'cleaning' is taking out the trash. Then he plays video games. Meanwhile, I cooked the dinner he ate and cleaned the kitchen before I went upstairs."
The OP felt like this was the final straw.
"I know this post is ridiculously long. I think I’m just at a breaking point. I don’t expect my husband to never go to work because I have a cold. I understand that adults have jobs and responsibilities."
"But I went to the ER today because I couldn’t breathe properly. I needed IV fluids and a breathing treatment. I have COVID."
"I told him I was scared I might be admitted to the hospital, and his immediate concern was essentially making sure I came home because he needed to work tomorrow."
"Not once did he ask if I was okay."
"And now I’m lying here wondering why I feel like a single mother when there is literally another parent living in this house."
"Am I being unreasonable? Because at this point I genuinely can’t tell anymore."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she was not overreacting and was right to feel hurt.
"NOR. My actual child would express more concern for me than this man-child." - StockTry4982
"When I was pregnant with my twins, my then almost two-year-old comforted me more than my EXXX did. If I lay down on the couch, my then almost two-year-old would cover me up with a blanket."
"He was so sweet; even now, as he’s 18, he’s still very sweet. She’s absolutely NOR. She’s underreacting." - No_Firefighter2273
"The fact that she had to call her mom two hours away because her own husband wouldn’t step up when she had a lot going on and was ill, and at some point you have to ask what partnership is actually being provided here…" - lllienne
"It sounds like you accidentally adopted an overgrown child instead of marrying a man. Would your mom let you and the baby move in with her? Sounds like it would be worth the drive."
"Get your accounts in order and don't look back. Seriously. You're NOR and, in my book, underreacting."
"If you did need to be hospitalized, would you trust him to care for your child?" - dinamet7
Others urged the OP to leave the marriage as soon as possible.
"NOR. You are underreacting. You are married to your second child. You know this is no good; you know he won’t change. Get out as soon as possible." - BugalugBird
"I think the biggest red flag is that she already tried telling him she was drowning and alone, and his response was basically to complain about the trash."
"She’s not asking for perfection; she’s asking for love, and I don’t think it’s hard to give at all." - silverXriver
"It’s better to be divorced and alone than married and alone."
"It sounds like you want him to see you, as his wife, mother of his child, and your suffering, and change into someone he is not. You are not asking for too much, but it is 'too much' for HIM."
"It seems like he sees you as a roommate and does not want to be inconvenienced or responsible for anything that doesn’t directly benefit himself."
"Start living your own life, care for your child, and start getting your plan together to get out."
"Plus, any man disrespecting your Mother, who came to help, that is a straight poor excuse of a man." - Medusa17251
"Have a modicum of self-respect and get out. Don’t put up with the disrespect this man has consistently shown. Do you feel like you deserve to be treated this way? Would you want your child to be treated this way by their partner?" - Not_today_nibs
"I was in your situation. I just stopped. I stopped cooking, cleaning."
"I took care of myself. If I had time, I cleaned. But things just didn’t get done."
"The dishes didn’t get done for four days. He had to do it. Don’t get mad. Just stop."
"Let him see how much you contribute. If he still refuses to see it and gets mad, he can divorce you and pay for the fees." - lonly25
The subreddit hoped the OP would listen to her own advice, already woven into the post, and actually make herself single in the way she felt she already was.
It sounded like the only thing the OP's husband cared about was working and then gaming at night after "cleaning." If he couldn't prioritize her when she was at her most ill, and didn't even step up when their baby was sick, too, there was truly no point in staying.
The "in sickness and in health" test had come and gone multiple times, and he'd failed every single time.
u/Dismal_Condition_824/Reddit