Having a baby is a beautiful experience… and one of life’s most difficult experiences.
Being a caretaker, especially for an elderly, ailing parent draws stark similarities.
These two issues at once are a lot for anyone to handle.
So what does a family do?
Redditor braziestbaby wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA – 8 months pregnant, and my partner’s sister is pressuring me to take in their sick mom?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“AITA For not wanting the responsibility of taking care of my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]?”
“I’m 8 months pregnant, working from home, and living with my B[oy]F[riend] in a 3-bedroom townhome.”
“One room is ours, one is for the baby, and one is a guest room.”
“His mom is currently staying with another family member, but that person is no longer willing to care for her due to the demands of her illness and her difficult behavior.”
“Now, my boyfriend’s sister (who lives out of state and works full time in another state) is pressuring us to have their mom move in with us — claiming we have the space.”
“She’s not offering any real help, just insisting that their mom ‘has nowhere else to go’ and that we should step up.”
“The thing is, I’m about to give birth, and I’ll be responsible for a newborn basically alone most of the day since my boyfriend works outside the home.”
“My boyfriend has actually spoken to his sister multiple times and made it clear that this setup isn’t realistic — especially with a newborn on the way.”
“He’s been supportive and has stood up for me, but his sister keeps pushing the idea like we’re the only option.”
“I don’t have the capacity — emotionally, physically, or logistically — to care for a newborn and a sick adult who needs help with daily routines and appointments.”
“I’m not a nurse, and I’m not okay starting our new family and relationship with this massive responsibility suddenly dropped on me.”
“It feels unfair that I’m being cornered into this just because I’m nearby and working from home.”
“I want to be compassionate, but I’m also trying to protect my health, my baby, and the foundation of our future as a family.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole for feeling this way or for not wanting to have this responsibility?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. If a caregiver has already burned out because of the requirements of her care, she likely needs skilled care – something that you CAN’T give, even if you WEREN’T about to give birth, which you are!”
“You don’t mention if this is something she will recover from or if this is terminal or long term, but you physically can’t lift her, you mention difficult behavior so if she’s combative, she’s a risk to your pregnancy, and you do not have reserves to take care of someone that requires that much.”
“My grandmother was ill for two years, slowly dying at home, and it was exceedingly awful on the family (because none of her kids would put her in nursing care or increase her at-home care, which is what she needed).”
“Caregiving of that degree is hard on the body.”
“She expects you to barely sleep while 8 months pregnant?”
“Because it sounds like she needs round-the-clock care, that includes the middle of the night.”
“You are not an AH.”
“You are not in any way able to do this, and not after you give birth either.”
“No is a complete sentence.”
“Either the sister takes care of her, or the siblings find her skilled care.” ~ MissKQueenofCurves
“Absolutely this.’
“My wife and I just spent 7 months nursing her mom, who was dying of cancer.”
“It was a 24/7 job and nearly broke us.”
“I am positive if we had done it with a newborn, it would have.”
“Caregiving for a very sick and difficult person is exhausting, extremely stressful, and unforgiving.”
“My wife and I lost tons of sleep.”
“My wife had to miss so much work taking her to and from appointments.”
“We couldn’t leave her mom alone on weekends for more than an hour or two at a time, meaning we had no couple’s time to go on dates or have fun outside the house.”
“There were days at a time when her mom was overnight in the hospital that my wife and I would see each other for five minutes before bed.”
“And that isn’t even factoring in the emotional and mental stress of taking care of every aspect of another adult human’s life and watching your mom die.”
“A baby is most of that as well, except you can take a baby with you (my MIL was bedridden) and can have many moments of joy (there were virtually none with MIL).”
“OP is absolutely not NTA for recognizing this and putting their foot down.”
“They may have the space in their home, but they do NOT have the capacity to care for the mom.” ~ Has-Died-of-Cholera
“NTA. She should either hire a home healthcare provider to take care of her mom or put her in a skilled nursing facility.”
“You’re going to have your hands full with an infant within the month.” ~ SomeoneYouDontKnow70
“Not the slightest bit of an AH.”
“You’re about to bring a whole new life into the world, your plate is already overflowing.”
“It’s wild how people assume ‘working from home’ means unlimited time and energy.”
“Your priority right now is your health, your baby, and maintaining some peace in your home, not taking on a role that’s basically a full-time caregiver.”
“If the sister’s that concerned, she can start looking into proper care options or step up herself.” ~ Impressive-Ad7453
“NTA ‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
“Tell her under no circumstances will you be taking care of her sick mother and will no longer be entertaining this conversation.”
“She wants you to because she doesn’t want to but a newborn is a lot of work and you have sleep deprivation to contend with, it’s just not fair on you or the sick mother who will not be properly cared for because you won’t have the capacity.” ~ yameretzu
“This is what my mother did to me!”
“She swore my disabled sibling was just coming for a few days to ‘get out of the house,’ ‘do something different and fun with you’ and ‘they’ll enjoy seeing their niece and nephew’ but the sibling never left.”
“I already was taking care of them from a distance cause I had my own job and kids, but once I and my ex-husband broke up.”
“I got my own place and my custody schedule figured out she essentially dumped my sibling on me.”
“I am their full-time caregiver and already had burnout from what I was doing, but now?”
“Full-blown burnout.”
“NTA OP.”
“You’re still going to be working and can’t be expected to take care of her, especially when work may want a babysitter for your newborn.” ~ Genybear12
“I’d also like to add onto your last point – there’s an adage in social services I’ve heard that goes, ‘If you aren’t the right person to help, you’re the right person to cause harm.'”
“As in, if you are not the right person to take care of somebody struggling with something – such as chronic or terminal illness, addiction, mental health struggles, etc. – then the capacity for you to cause harm, especially inadvertently, is extremely real and should not be ignored.”
“Caregivers, especially family caregivers, should feel equipped to handle only up to their skill level and bandwidth, and nothing more.”
“Preventing caregiver burnout is a huge problem, as well, especially as we have more elderly adults than ever before, and often overlooked.”
“It’d be bananas for my sister to expect OP to be a skilled nursing facility even if she weren’t pregnant.”
“Definitely NTA.” ~ aigret
“NTA. First, you’re very pregnant and will soon have an infant to care for.”
“Second, you’re not married, this isn’t your problem, it’s up to your husband’s family to figure it out, or get her into a care facility.”
“Third, if this lady is being difficult, it will destroy your relationship with your boyfriend once the pressure of a newborn is real.”
“Tell your boyfriend’s sister that it’s not your responsibility, and she and your BF need to come up with a solution that is not her moving in with you.” ~ OldSaggytitBiscuits
“NTA… it is audacious that sister is clearly trying to volunteer someone who isn’t even related to her mother to be mom’s full-time unpaid carer.”
“It’s not like her brother can quit his job to be the one to do the caretaking.”
“An absurd request.” ~ shelwood46
“Unless you are working from home, as a self-employed business owner you are risking enough by trying to keep the baby at home.”
“Ask your boyfriend if he’s willing to lose your income and add THREE expenses to your life.”
“Set this boundary.”
“If your name is on the lease this should be a non-issue because you aren’t even married.” ~ Anothercitykitty
“NTA. As a new mom-to-be, of course, you don’t have the capacity to care for an adult with health needs.”
“Sounds like she needs to be in an adult family home, or a situation where her needs can be met.”
“I recommend encouraging the sister to contact local aging and disability services in your city or county for resources.”
“Hold your ground mama!”
“Glad your partner is supportive!” ~ EwwDavvidd
“Nope. Don’t do it.”
“You will have way too much on your plate to do this.”
“You aren’t the only option.”
“There’s care homes for this reason.”
“Stick to your guns.” ~ Nervous_Resident6190
OP returned to chat…
“I appreciate everyone’s response!”
“Additional details I’d like to add.”
“My boyfriend and I have been looking into home care for her.”
“Along with facilities to put her because nobody in their family is stepping up.”
“We are waiting to talk to her doctor.”
“The mom lives about an hour and a half from us.”
“She expects us to take her to appointments despite us living this far.”
“The mom visited us this past weekend, and having her here for 2 days only was a lot of work.”
“We have a two-story place. She couldn’t even walk up the stairs!”
“She has certain dietary restrictions.”
“Overall, I’m glad everyone agrees with me.”
“I feel more strongly to stand on the answer ‘No.'”
“I have to think for me and my baby!”
Reddit has your back, OP.
It’s a sad situation.
But it sounds like she needs more care than you all can provide.
You’re doing what’s best for your family and… for her.
Good luck & congrats on the baby!