Sometimes we really know inviting someone to our special day—whether it be a wedding, a birthday, or other event—is a bad idea.
We have to make the choice on whether or not to include that person in our celebration knowing they may actively make it worse.
Reddit user Quackers4Crackers found herself in this situation, along with her fiancé, after seeing a social media post that raised several red flags about this person they had invited to their wedding.
Wondering if dhe’d made the wrong choice by disinviting this person, she went on the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” for feedback from objective strangers.
She asked:
“AITA for uninviting someone to my wedding?”
Our original poster, or OP, has been mulling over this circumstance for the last few days.
“Hi everyone, This is something my fiancé (male, 25) and I (female, 25) did a couple of days ago, and I’ve been questioning whether it was the correct decision since.”
“One of the guests invited to our wedding was the husband of one of my fiancé’s friends. He (m38) is very religious (evangelical Baptist, I believe), which is completely fine with us.”
“The problem is that his religious views meant that he’s heavily anti-lgbtq+, anti-abortion and anti-catholic (it will be a Catholic ceremony).”
“In person, he isn’t too aggressive about these views, but his Facebook feed is incredibly aggressive and cruel towards these people and issues.”
“He’s also an anti-vaxxer/covid conspiracy theorist and posts about this daily.”
OP and her fiancé decided to disinvite him for the sake of the other guests.
“We decided to uninvite him because we have friends coming who are lgbtq+, also, one of my bridesmaids had a very upsetting abortion when she was 18, and we don’t trust he will follow covid regulations leading up to the wedding.”
“We decided to send a message, rather than call, as we didn’t want to put him on the spot/embarrass him (it’s how I’d feel if i was the recipient of this call!), telling him he’s uninvited and why.”
“We also contacted his wife explaining what we’d done and telling her she was welcome to come but we’d understand if she didn’t want to.”
But after their reaction was horrible, OP wondered if she’d done the right thing.
“Understandably they were both really upset, and told us that he wouldn’t have been hateful towards anyone in person. The husband also told us he would rather we spoke to him about it.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Everyone agreed OP most certainly acted in the best interest of her wedding.
“NTA. ‘i’m uninviting you because i’ve just learned you regularly spread hate towards a community that includes some of my other guests and i don’t want to risk having any possible conflict at my wedding’ is perfectly reasonable.”
“Social media isn’t some fantasy land where your opinions disappear into the void, his hateful posts are very much real and he should have known there might be consequences.”-dirtamen
“NTA. It’s your wedding and you handled it the least stressful way for you.”
“People need to understand that their social media hate posts have consequences IRL, and this guy just learned it the hard way.”-Weskit
“NTA. It sounds as if he’s not even someone you invited directly, but rather a plus-one of one of your fiance’s friends. (Husband of a friend of your fiance.)”
“Including plus-ones on invitations is generally polite, but it does leave you in a bind if someone chooses a plus-one who isn’t appropriate.”
“Anti-Catholic to a Catholic wedding and COVID denier in the middle of a pandemic? Some people should not be taken out in public at all.”
“Plus-ones mean that you lose control over your guest list, and the only way to regain control is to veto plus-ones who are egregious.”
“As for claiming he won’t be hateful to another person – he already has been hateful, on his Facebook page.”
“He may not be directly rude, in person at a wedding, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t be, even unconsciously, engaging in microaggressions that would make the wedding uncomfortable for other guests.”
“Also, if having anti-LGBT words and actions is an issue for you, then you may want to consider whether a Catholic wedding is something that will fit your values.”
“I’ve been to several Catholic weddings where the priest has said, during the service, things that are downright hostile, such as lengthy asides about how ‘marriage is the union of a man and a woman.'”
“That will be a slap in the face to any guest who is in a same-sex relationship or supports others in their relationships.”
“It’s a lot to ask a guest to attend a wedding where the officiant makes a point that the guest’s marriage isn’t real.”
“It seems a bit hypocritical to exclude a plus-one for views that are the official policy of the church where the wedding is hosted, although the added COVID-denying may be what is pushing this guest beyond the pale.”
“I point this out because the values that make you want to exclude this guest could mean that the words and actions of the priest may wind up being inappropriate to you as well.”
“This is something you may want to address with the priest in advance, rather than having to deal with insults to your guests coming up in the middle of the ceremony.”-Jazzlike_Humor3340
“NTA. It’s your wedding, you want to enjoy it and not have drama. Although you don’t ‘owe’ it to anyone, you don’t want your guests to he upset by this man.”
“Moreover – do you even want to be friends with him at all? I understand that we can be friends with people who have different views, but you don’t sound cool with this dude anyway.”-librarianknight
People noted it was OP’s wedding and she could make whatever choices she wanted with it.
“NTA. It’s your wedding. You have no guarantees on what might happen and there was a risk one guest would upset many of the others.”
“At my friends’ wedding, they’re lesbians, my one friend told me she didn’t know if her anti lgbtq dad might show up, but she asked me that if he did…. could i sit at his table and if he tried to make a commotion to bounce him. You chose to avoid a situation like that.”-GatoMcwitch
“NTA. I absolutely do not trust that ‘wouldn’t have been hateful towards anyone in person’ wouldn’t either: A) be violated at the first chance, and/or B) have him arguing that he ‘wasn’t being hateful’ (unrelenting religious types love to hide behind ‘speaking out of love’ or ‘concern’).”
“And once he does upset someone at the wedding, that’s it—he’s done it. Better to not give him the opportunity than to spend time after apologizing to your guests.”
“You might have some explaining to do if they decide to kick up a fuss about it with any mutual friends you may have.”
“However, they probably already know full well about the guy and probably wouldn’t blame you or your guy for making him take a pass.”-12h34m
“NTA. It’s YOUR wedding and you can have anyone you want and this person sounds toxic as hell. Funny how they were quick to say how he’d not be hateful towards anyone in person.”
“You probably should have called them. I believe messaging is the easy way out, but it’s already done. Hopefully your other friends appreciate you standing up for them.”-FormerChange
“NTA. ‘[He] told us he wouldn’t have been hateful towards anyone in person.’ Not having a screen to hide behind doesn’t stop a bigot from being a bigot.”
“It probably would have been better not to invite him in the first place but you’re not the AH for uninviting someone like this from your wedding.”
“Not just because of his views on your LGBTQ+ guests but because he is anti-Catholic and you are having a Catholic ceremony and you are worried that he wouldn’t follow the Covid regulations, which might put your guests or even you and your fiancé in danger.”-asphodel2020
And there is no guarantee this man would have been on good behavior at any point.
“NTA. Most of my family are evangelical Baptists- I was raised that way myself, but saw the light as I matured.”
“It can be really hard to deal with them. They genuinely think they’re doing good in the world when they spread their hate.”
“You’re being a good friend by protecting your friends from that treatment. Unfortunately, the uninvited dude will never understand that.”-CharityCat
“NTA. You invited this man without knowing how hateful he is to people with whom he disagrees.”
“When you found out he is homophobic to a huge degree, vocally anti abortion and anti Catholic (at a Catholic wedding) and an anti-vaxxer, you decided to uninvite him.”
“While that usually isn’t done, in this case I don’t think you had a choice.”
“He may not say anything but he’s still at the wedding thinking all his hateful thoughts at anyone he disagrees with. He’s still a bigot. You really couldn’t risk it.”-No_Proposal7628
“NTA – My wedding is coming up in September and I’ve already had to uninvite someone for similarly not feeling like I can trust them to compose themself at the wedding.”
“I don’t need everyone on their best behavior, I just don’t want people there that are going to be on their worst behavior (when initially invited he was fine, but now he’s inconsiderate and problematic to put it plainly).”
“It’s your day. Obviously that doesn’t mean you get to be some dictator about everything and everyone, but you sound well within reason to be able to do what you did.”
“People like you described, I don’t trust simply because I don’t know when they’ll slip up and say something hurtful. It’s happened before and I definitely don’t want to see it happen at my wedding.”-SpectreX10
“NTA. That man is mean and full of hate. If he’s anti Vax / anti mask, he’s likely risked exposing his wife to the virus as well, on the chance that he gets infected leading up to the wedding.”
“It’d probably be best if she didn’t go either out of an abundance of caution for the rest of the guests, particularly the older or immunocompromised ones.”-StupidLeafsFan
While it was a difficult situation to be in, Redditors agreed OP ultimately did the right thing to make sure everybody else at the wedding was safe and comfortable.
And their thoughts about the bigot?
Perhaps he shouldn’t have been so openly bigoted if he wanted to remain on the guest list.
People often ask what they can do to combat bigotry. This is what they can do.
In their own circle of friends and family, stop tolerating bigotry. Name it, shame it, shun it.
You may not change the bigots mind, but you can give them pause about spewing their hatred publicly.