Friendships are ever-changing relationships.
Even though you might meet someone who you think will be your best friend for the rest of your life, the passage of time might end up causing some unexpected distance.
Some friendships are so strong that no matter how much time is spent apart, it seems as if no time has passed at all when reuniting.
Other times, however, you might one day find yourself questioning why you were ever friends with someone in the first place.
Redditor SufficientFly5044 had recently reconnected with a friend from her high school days.
This resulted in the original poster (OP) inviting this friend to her bachelorette party.
Unfortunately, over the course of the party, the OP began to feel her bond with this friend grow weaker and weaker.
Resulting in rescinding another invitation.
Having some doubts about her decision, the OP took to the subreddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for uninviting someone from my wedding after she just spent $2k on my bachelorette?"
The OP explained how her high school friend became persona non grata at her wedding:
"I had my bachelorette party last month—an international trip with 13 girls."
"Most live in City 1, where I grew up but no longer reside."
"I now live in City 2, a short flight or 6-hour drive away."
"One of the girls, 'Rachel'," was a high school friend I reconnected with two years ago after getting engaged."
"She recently started dating someone new—he's in City 2 (my city), and she spent the entire trip FaceTiming him."
"At events, the club, the beach, the yacht, while getting ready, even in the shower."
"Worse, she dragged other girls into her calls, even though they barely knew her, let alone him."
"She also FaceTimed while people were changing or while she herself was fully nude."
"At one point, she got into an argument with her boyfriend and handed the phone to her roommate, Jamie—who had never met him—forcing her into the fight. Jamie, fed up, hung up and later asked to switch rooms."
"When she wasn't FaceTiming, she was talking about him nonstop."
"At dinner, she kept blurting out, 'I'm moving to City 2, we're gonna be neighbors!'"
"But when I asked about her kids, she vaguely said she'd fly or drive home every weekend."
"This is a mom of 2, with 2 different dads, moving for a boyfriend of 1 month."
"One night, during a private chef dinner, the power went out, and Rachel's phone died."
"Everyone withheld their portable chargers."
"She then booked a hotel on someone else's phone, packed her bags, and left to charge her phone."
"Mandy, being too nice, walked with her."
"On the way, Rachel suddenly desperately needed to call her kids—which was hilarious since she hadn't mentioned them once."
"Unfortunately, the power came back, so Rachel did too."
"Later, while we were playing bachelorette games, she blurted out racial slurs during Mad Libs."
"I snapped, and the room went silent."
"We had a shared photo album for group pics, Rachel uploaded hundreds of selfies, thirst traps, FaceTime screenshots, texts about how her boyfriend was 'the one', and even mirror selfies from a store where she was trying on clothes without underwear."
"One dress had a slit, and her hooha was showing."
"My fiancé was getting updates from some of the girls."
"He even asked Jamie to talk to Rachel, and he himself sent her messages about being more self-aware and to stop FaceTiming this guy."
"Nothing changed."
"After the trip, I sent Rachel a message thanking her for coming but making it clear her behavior was completely unacceptable."
"I also told her she was no longer invited to my wedding."
"She read it and never responded."
"Some friends think I was harsh since she spent time and money to celebrate me."
"To be clear, I'm not cutting her off because I didn't feel like the center of attention, LOL."
"This is about how deeply uncomfortable she made everyone."
"Since I got back, I've heard even more crazy stories that the girls kept from me because they saw how upset I was."
"AITA for uninviting her?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for disinviting Rachel from her wedding.
While not everyone felt the OP handled things as well as they could have and felt her bachelorette party sounded overly extravagant, many agreed that Rachel's behavior merited being disinvited from the wedding.
"NTA."
"Except having your friends spend $2k on a bachelorette party."- FringeAardvark
"NTA."
"But I have a hard time being sympathetic to someone who has an international trip with 13 people for a bachelorette."
"You don't have 13 close friends."
"If you wanted a meaningful occasion, you should have kept it intimate."
"Going on vacation with a big group you aren't close too is asking for this kind of trouble."- Infinite_Slide_5921
"Nah, NTA."
"Especially after the racial slurs, but chances are she would make your wedding all about her relationship, and I don't really blame you after her behavior."- PhilosophyCareless88
"NTA."
"In my mid 20s went on a girls trip with a group of friends (this predates facetime cell phones etc)."
"One HS friend had been dating a guy for 2 weeks."
"To this day I remember his name was Bill because the ENTIRE freaking trip all we heard about was Bill."
"How she missed Bill, how she had to buy Bill a souvenir, how she wondered what Bill was doing now, blah blah blah."
"That was annoying enough I'd have probably thrown her off the cruise ship if she'd done what your friend did."
"No big shock 3 weeks later Bill broke up with her."
"I refused to vacation with her for 20 yrs."
"For her 50th birthday, we invited her on another girls' trip, hoping with time, maturity would come."
"Nope, all she talked about was her idiot husband, called him, FaceTimed him, talked about him, etc."
"Goes home and finds out he's been cheating on her and literally invited his GF over to dinner with their kids while she was gone."
"Maybe I'll try again when she turns 70."
"Some people never learn and you can't teach them, all you can do is distance yourself."- twinmom2298
"NTA."
"Girl, this is insanity."
"I would have made her cut that sh*t out from day 1."
"I hope your wedding is incredible and that you find your peace and don't look back!"- LindaTonta00
"NTA."
"That kind of behaviour is just so annoying and self-centered."
"I'm sorry you had to go through that during YOUR bachelorette."
"I would've done the same thing, tbh."
"Ignore all the hate and be confident with your decision."- Phblastoise104
"NTA."
"Yikes."
"You made the right choice, she was causing way too much stress and there's a high chance she would have ruined your wedding anyway."- teriwella
"NTA."
"Just because someone spends money on your bachelorette doesn't mean they can behave badly."- Jaded-Permission-324
"NTA."
"She was dropping racial slurs during mad libs, face-timing her man while others were changing, wanting her roommate she doesn't know to fight with her man for her, and posting a picture of her cooter in a shared picture album, in what world would you be the AH for not wanting to deal with that anymore?"
"She also didn't spend money to 'celebrate you'."
"She seems to have spent that money to get pictures and video for her own posts to flex to her new man."
"She then read your message and didn't respond, so I'm guessing she doesn't actually care about going to your wedding either, so I would just move on and forward."
"I also feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading some of these comments."
"It's okay to have 13 people you consider good friends, just like it's okay to only have three people you'd consider good friends."
"No one is wrong for either, but it's weird to be judged for having that many friends."
"It's also weird to think anyone was required to have spent $2000."
"Most people are cool if you say 'thanks for the invite but I can't afford that'."
"But if people are willing to spend that, admittedly ridiculous, amount of money, there's nothing wrong with that."
"I personally would never, but if I was invited on a trip like this I would just assume we're in different tax brackets and wish you well on the trip from my own couch."
"lol."- exactoctopus
A few, however, had some trouble sympathizing with the OP for not confronting Rachel herself during the bachelorette party even if they agreed that Rachel deserved to be disinvited from the wedding.
"Honestly, you should have shut it down there, not afterward."
"And I would've made things clear that she needed to act differently at the wedding instead of kicking her out."
"She also seems to be in a really desperate mental state and probably needs some support."
"ESH."- monagr
It did seem like Rachel caused more than a bit of unnecessary drama at the OP's bachelorette party.
However, there was no way this drama could come to an end unless the OP told her so.
The OP certainly deserves a drama-free wedding, but there is a chance she could have still had one with Rachel there had they had a conversation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp