Working from home has its challenges, and one of those is definitely setting boundaries between work, the home, and our relationships.
One couple found themselves struggling with this recently on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Amita4580631 found herself feeling the weight of her husband's work as well as her own.
But when she angered her husband by establishing a new boundary, she wondered if she was wrong for doing so.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for yelling at my husband that I'm not his secretary?"
The OP and her husband had an arrangement until recently.
"My ([Female] 33) Husband ([Male] 37) works full time. I'm a Stay-at-home-mom. It's a decision I had to make because of medical problems."
"He'd help with the kids and house chores like cooking and cleaning."
"Nothing changed but He recently started working from home. He's very committed to his work."
The OP's husband started asking for help.
"However, he started asking for my assistance a few times a day."
"Like making him coffee or bringing him a file he left on the couch."
"I was fine with that but he started asking more and more. Several times an hour. During the time I'd be busy cooking or having guests over and I'd have to excuse myself several times to go see what he needs."
"I found myself doing what secretaries do, like arranging appointments with his clients. Copying papers and reports. Bringing him files. Spending time to entertain his clients when he's in the bathroom or getting dressed."
"He brought a 2-line landline as a way to ask me to do things for him instead of shouting my name in front of his superiors and clients."
"Talking to him did nothing."
Then the OP's husband went too far.
"Yesterday. I was having my friend over. She went through a loss (a son) and wanted to spend time with me."
"We were sitting in the backyard. He was in his office."
"Suddenly I started getting texts from him. My friend was crying when it happened, so I couldn't reply to him."
"The texts kept coming with him asking me to look for a file he left somewhere in the house."
"I was mad. I turned my phone off til my friend left."
The OP's husband started an argument.
"My husband walked out of his office looking p**sed, asking why the h**l I had my phone turned off and ignored his texts."
"I snapped, reminding him that I already told him about my friend visiting and needing my support."
"Besides that, I already said I won't be taking any more requests from him."
"I flat-out yelled, telling him I'm not his secretary and asked whether he's trying to turn me into one."
"He said, 'No no no of course not, silly, why would you think that?'"
"After arguing back and forth, he yelled that he was in the middle of an important meeting and didn't want to leave but had to, so he could find the file he asked me to look for, and it took him a long time, which was unprofessional of him."
"Then he went on about how he's trying to focus on his job and maintaining a professional working relationship with his superiors to be able to continue to provide for his family and his kids."
"And there was nothing wrong with me helping out with his work, since he helps out around the house."
"He then said he didn't want to argue and wanted to resolve this democratically but I left him no choice. Then left after that."
"He's been quiet ever since the argument."
"Did I overreact here? Was I wrong?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out the inequality in the OP's relationship.
"Unless he's willing to be on call when you need him, at the drop of a hat, to help with kids, household tasks, errands, etc, then it seems like your roles aren't being valued equally."
"Because you have to drop your job when he needs the slightest thing. So either he leaves a meeting to help you with meal prep, or he does his own job and you do yours."
"An occasional hand is one thing. But he's taken advantage of you and needs a course correction. NTA." - twotreesofvalinor
"Next time you're in the middle of something - cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. - and he interrupts you for whatever file or thing he needs, stop doing what you were doing."
"When he asks later why there's nothing prepared to eat, or clean clothes, or the house isn't cleaned up, tell him it's because he keeps interrupting you and demanding you to shift your time and attention to doing his job for him, so you can't take care of the things you usually do when he treats you like his d**n secretary." - Redundant_fox221
"He's using you as free labor and resentful you're not OK with it."
"I've managed to wfh (work from home) and run my own small business for a while now and wouldn't dream of asking my (disabled, so he doesn't work) partner to do what your husband is asking you to do. My business has grown enough that I'm going to hire someone to do administrative work."
"He's not preparing for work like he would in an office and expecting you to do part of his job for him."
"Not to mention, I have NDAs with my customers, as your husband likely has for his job, and they don't make accommodations for telling your partner."
"He could lose his job simply because he's not organizing his work-life well enough to manage on his own." - eresh22
"NTA. You are not there to be his assistant. You are there to take care of your children and manage the house."
"My dad always told me 'lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine'. In short, handle your own s**t." - queenoreo
Others stated how unprofessional they thought the husband was.
"So he has a phone on which he can call you and assign tasks.....but he says you're not his secretary?!"
"IMO your husband is failing to be organized. E.g. having the right files for the right call. He's relying on you to help organize his work, which is a secretarial role."
"He shouldn't ask you to pick up the slack for his poor admin skills." - ShutUpMorrisseyffs
"That what I kept thinking. Who tf is so important and good at their job but doesn't plan ahead of important meetings to have the needed files with them?"
"I mean, you're basically employed as his assistant in your explanation and unless he's self-employed, his company could end up with problems for you 'working' without pay or authorization." - legal_bagel
"Seriously. This is way unprofessional. OP isn't an employee, so doesn't have the duty of care or confidentiality. Plus any guests or other clients could come across the files he's leaving around."
"I wouldn't trust someone who handled my info in such a lackadaisical way to actually have care while doing the work. I wonder how many clients are shopping for a replacement." - Splatterfilm
"And what's unprofessional is him not having that file for the meeting ready before it started."
"OP, maybe sit him down and ask if there is anything unusual going on at work, and if he is ok. Yeah, he's being a jerk about this, but if this is new behavior, maybe there's trouble at his workplace and he's feeling some stress as the financial support for the family?"
"If not, use the convo as an opportunity to set some boundaries between your job and his." - Seeker131313
"So, your husband is so unorganized that he is still getting dressed when clients show up, leaves work files all over the house (which depending on what he does for a living could be a serious breach of professional ethics), and needs you to be taking care of scheduling, filing, copies, etc?"
"Wow. Most companies have serious rules about who is authorized to even hold a file and usually they want that person to be an actual employee." - Thriftyverse
The sub was definitely in agreement on this one: the OP's husband very well could be compromising his job by putting so much pressure on his wife.
Like others who now have to work from home, the husband will have to figure out what worked for him in a corporate office and how he can emulate that in the home.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.