Caring for a sick relative is never easy.
It can be especially stressful when there is money involved.
Large inheritances and control of an ailing person's finances can stir up a lot of issues.
Not everyone can be trusted with the financial power.
Redditor Bananickle found themselves in a personal dilemma regarding their ailing grandmother's financial estate, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
"'AITAH for not backing down after my Aunt apologized and returned the money after she took $40k from my Grandma with Alzheimer's?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I am feeling really conflicted about this and want some impartial people's opinions."
"If I am in the wrong on this, I am open to accepting it."
"I recently discovered my Aunt had taken $40k from her mother's/my grandmother's investment accounts to pay for a personal court settlement."
"She did not tell me in advance that she was doing this; I discovered it on an account statement."
"My aunt has power of attorney and is co-trustee, and my Grandmother has late-stage Alzheimer's, so she cannot think for herself in any capacity."
"My Aunt has a history of poor financial decision-making, and I have had issues with her doing things in the past that I believed were not in the trust's best interest, but nothing as blatant as this."
"I initially confronted her via text about this, told her it was a breach of her fiduciary duty, and that she needed to return the money."
"She replied, saying, 'As co-trustee, I can loan myself money as I see fit,' and refused, saying that she would have the money she took come out of her eventual inheritance."
"I then immediately hired a lawyer and had them draft a letter saying that she had breached her duty, committed elder abuse, and that unless she..."
"1. Returned the money..."
"2. Paid my attorney fees, and..."
"3. Stepped down as co-trustee and power of attorney and appointed an independent third party instead."
"I would file a suit."
"I have not yet filed an actual suit."
"She then immediately returned the money and offered to pay 1k of attorneys' fees, but refused the final point."
"She sent a multitude of texts apologizing and claiming she did not know that she couldn't give herself the money in this manner, and that this would never happen again, and to please meet to discuss without lawyers, that we could solve this as a family."
"I refused, saying that if we met, I wanted my lawyer there to ensure that any solutions we discussed would be legally justified."
"She said that if I did not let this go, she would have to withdraw more money from the trust to pay for her lawyer."
"She then hired her own lawyer using trust funds, and since then they have outright refused to consider either appointing an independent third-party fiduciary, or adding me as co-trustee and co-power of attorney (I am listed as a successor trustee already, so this is not completely out of left field), stating that they believe it will unnecessarily damage trust assets and that now that my aunt knows her fiduciary duty there is no need."
"They have agreed to continue providing monthly statements for all her accounts."
"I am now considering filing a suit."
"My question is, am I taking this too far?"
"My aunt apologized and has promised she won't do anything like this again, but she has said as much in the past, and it did not prevent this behavior, so I have a hard time dropping this without some kind of actual protection against another abuse."
"Or have I already gotten enough to protect the estate, and should I let this go?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So… AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA, file the suit, or your aunt will continue to abuse her mother." ~ ThatWhichLurks782
"The estate, for which OP is acting with an eye towards fiduciary responsibility, can hire itself legal representation."
"That means that OP gets the lawyer, and Aunt has to pay out of her own pocket unless the court agrees with her after taking this all in front of a judge."
"Depending on where OP is located (and the grandmother), some jurisdictions would have zero issues with assigning OP or someone else in an intermediate role while the case goes before a judge."
"Given that court-appointed P[ower]-O[f]-A[ttorney]s have a history of behaving badly, finding some local lawyer or C[ertified] P[ublic]- A[ccountant] who handles trusts might be worth the little bit of research time."
"The estate WILL be paying for their services."
"And the legal fees!"
"That's money coming out of the aunt's and OP's inheritance, so it behooves them to figure this all out quickly." ~ 2dogslife
"This is 💯 spot on."
"Get with your lawyer and sue her."
"An abuser can and will always find a way to abuse their victim for their own gain."
"Don't let it continue. NTA."
"ETA- OP, you're seeking permission to crucify her legally."
"If you're asking us, it's because you're more than angry."
"And you should be."
"Permission granted." ~ StripedCat404
"Your aunt stole from your dying grandmother."
"Nothing she says can be trusted anymore."
"Her begging you to do this without a lawyer present, and then immediately lawyering up herself, tells me she was planning to take advantage again."
"File suit and leave this sorry woman to pay for more court fees. NTAH." ~ Key-Buyer7130
"She's already continuing to do it by taking money out of the trust to pay for her lawyer."
"That is illegal."
"If you don't file the suit, that money will be gone from the trust for good." ~ Bellatrixkat
"Let me get this straight, your aunt stole from the trust, paid it back, swore she wouldn't do it again."
"But in fact did do it again to pay her attorney."
"File the suit and make sure she has to pay court costs, your attorney fees, and her attorney without funds from the trust." ~ Life-Wealth-3399
"In my opinion, she is very clearly taking advantage of your incapacitated grandmother."
"People who struggle with financial decisions do not change overnight for any reason whatsoever, and this is coming from someone with family members who have made the same promises about my grandfather's inheritance."
"A tiger never changes its stripes 🤷♀️."
"NTA at all." ~ altaccount45112
"NTA. My dad went through hell with his brothers after their dad died."
"Brothers threw my grandma in a home and immediately started trying to sell her house."
"It was awful."
"Families become monsters when someone’s on their deathbed." ~ bookiebee
"NTA. Do not speak to her anymore."
"Go ahead and file the suit."
"Also, speak to your lawyer about whether she can be criminally charged."
"Document everything."
"She had her chance, and she is still financially abusing your grandmother." ~ PDK112
"NTA. You protect your grandmother FIRST."
"SHE'S LUCKY SHE'S NOT IN JAIL."
"SHE'S LUCKY SHES NOT GOT A CRIMINAL RECORD."
"Get her removed asap."
"There is zero reason she has to not step down, except panic about not being able to 'loan herself more money,' stepping down silently, she can always say, 'it got to be too much, so she stepped away.'"
"It's in her best interest to do so."
"I'd have the lawyer do a heavy forensic accounting investigation in addition."
"I'd bet good money this isn't the first time."
"I'd let it go to court."
"Let it be public record."
"She's a criminal, 40k, not pocket change."
"She could and would do it to someone else."
"She's only learned to be sneakier by getting caught."
"She can never be in a position of trust like that again." ~ YoshiandAims
"If your Aunt was able to immediately repay the money, does it not suggest that she already had these funds in her own right?"
"If so, there was no real need for removing the funds - just theft."
"Keep going down the legal path for the benefit of your Grandma and her intended beneficiaries."
"Good luck." ~ RobB_4
"File the suit."
"That money is to ensure your grandmother's care and goes to the estate."
"Also, at this point, I ask for a forensic accounting on top of everything else."
"I believe she knew her fiduciary duty prohibited her from taking money from the trust for her legal fine(s). NTA." ~ MorriganNiConn
"NTA. Aunt should have known her fiduciary duty when signing the power of attorney."
"If she doesn’t want to consider appointing an independent third-party fiduciary, then she can consider appointing counsel for the lawsuit."
"She’s done it once; if she really had any remorse, she would agree to some limit." ~ buntopolis
OP came back to chat...
"Thanks for the honesty in the replies."
"I have not communicated with my Aunt directly since hiring the lawyer, and all decisions I make are discussed with them in advance."
"I'm not using Reddit to make any decisions for me, but mostly to reassure myself that escalating this is the proper move."
"I know it seems obvious to you guys, and in many ways it is, but I have known my Aunt since I was a child, and it is difficult to view this impartially."
"It's pretty obvious based on the comments how most people feel."
"She's in the wrong, and I'm an idiot for even asking."
"But when you're caught in the middle of it, it's hard to have that perspective."
"I think I just needed some strangers to shout at me that I'm in the right on this. Thanks."
This is some messy family drama.
Reddit is with you, OP.
Keep an eye on this Aunt.
If she did it once, she'll do it again.
Good Luck.
